Handling the What Ifs

[NVIII's Babe]

Early on in my polygyny journey, I often became overwhelmed with the What Ifs. My mind was occupied with all the horrible things that might happen, often leading to near-panic attacks. I was able to conquer that spiral of hell. Looking back, there were a few stages in that battle.

When I first decided, "No more, Lord, please," I fought those What Ifs with the Truth - the basic Truth that had kept me afloat in the very first days of my husband introducing me to poly. The three-pronged Truth I clung to repeated over and over any time my toe felt the earth crumble beneath me.

1. God loves me and I love Him.
2. My husband loves me and I love him.
3. God is always good.

I felt uncertain about much more than those few things, so I clung to what I did know. These three were demonstrable. I had personal, undeniable proof of all three.

When the What Ifs threatened to shatter my foothold on peace, I would repeat them. I did only that until I could walk right past that mental dark hole of What If Doom with a yawn.

At that point, I started to test myself and these pesky What Ifs. It felt a bit like playing with fire or inching ever closer to a bottomless pit to see how close I could get and how far I could peer in without tumbling down. I always remembered the Truth, in case I stepped too close.

This testing was flipping the coin. What if this horrible, terrible, awful thing happens? OK, but what if the opposite, totally wonderful, amazing, and unimaginably pleasant thing happens instead? I saw the Worst Case Scenario my mind wanted me to see... and raised it a Best Case Scenario.

What if this rainbow baby also dies in my womb? OK, but what if he doesn't and is the most robust and healthy child in the family?

What if my husband dies on his way to work tomorrow? OK, but what if he doesn't and you grow old and feeble and die together surrounded by almost incalculable blessing?

What if my husband enjoys my sisterwife's company, her laugh, her body, her personality more than mine and never wants to be around me anymore? OK, but what if he enjoys and appreciates each of your strengths to the absolute maximum while also helping you both to overcome each of your weaknesses and you get to see him filled to the brim with joy and thanksgiving to the Lord for decades to come?

If the Worst Case Scenario is possible, then the Best Case Scenario is also possible. It turns out, the devil doesn't much like me pondering all the wonderful possibilities that could result from joyful obedience to the Lord.

For a long while now, I've been testing my faith in a new way with this little mind game I've got going. The What Ifs lead into a deep, dark hole, but I've found that hole has stairs, too. I don't have to fall and flail, terrified, until I hit the bottom. I can creep down along the winding staircase, asking, probing, cautiously.

In this case, it is testing... what if the What If happens? What if the Worst Case Scenario does happen? We live in a fallen world. I am imperfect and make mistakes. My husband, to whom I submit my whole life, is imperfect and makes mistakes. Any potential future wives are imperfect and make mistakes.

So, What If? What if my husband does die on that next plane ride? What if one of my beloved children dies? What if my husband does enjoy another wife more than me, neglects me, ignores me?

What if? Well,

1. God loves me and I love Him.
3. God is always good.

Is that enough? Is God enough for me? If He allows that every source of happiness in my life is taken, will I still praise Him? Will I still obey Him with that as a possibility?

With His grace and mercy, I pray that I would. Mentally standing at the bottom of the pit of woe and despair, there is nothing left besides God. What would I do if those things happened? Obey God. I don't exactly know what obedience would look like in every situation, but I don't need to know now. His grace is sufficient for the day. His strength would be my strength and would uphold me and equip me to obey.

Now, I can climb in and out of that mental pit without losing my footing and grip on what's Real. The What If fears don't plague me. I am still watchful - I don't want to get lazy or prideful and think I can no longer be tempted by them. And I have other fears and worries to conquer. But the What Ifs don't nag at me like they did before.

 

[Bria]

Amen! Do you have advice on how to get your heart to follow your mind?



My mind will tell me these and other truths on occasion yet my heart and mind struggle with experiencing the consistent peace and Joy. Plus it's only on occasion, not an everyday thing. Some days I feel strong in the Lord like nothing can knock me down, other days or weeks I will find myself flirting with despair as it pulls me in closer.



I am thankful for truth, but I still feel so emotionally heavy and the exhaustion of the back and fourth is there too.



I am still trying to understand what Joy even feels like. I thought I had glimpses but I'm not so sure. So if you have any insight that would be helpful if not that's cool too haha thank you for
your post!

 

[NVIII's Babe]

Oh, I am not sure I can give advice about that without being a hypocrite! I can relate to everything you have written here, truly. I frequently call to mind these verses:

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”
Jeremiah 17:7‭-‬10 ESV

I know that my heart deceives me and thus, I should not submit myself to its whims. I have to take every  feeling captive and haul each to the foot of the Cross so that my entire being can submit to God.

In practical terms, here are some things that help me.

First, recognizing and naming the emotion can be a big help. Jealousy in particular is good at hiding. I try to say to myself, I'm feeling jealous or I'm feeling afraid or I am feeling prideful. Fear can manifest in so many ways. Self-doubt and self-pity are actually pride dressed up. Naming the emotion and admitting it to myself actually does a lot for me because then I can confess it to God. If I'm just praying a long tangent about "how could he" or "he never" or "I always", I get lost in the weeds.

And then, if appropriate, I bring the emotions into the light by sharing with my husband. Sometimes, I've handled the emotion, it's not plaguing me, so I might not tell about it. But if I need help, if it keeps popping up like a Whack-a-mole, or if I am struggling to label it or see how it is wrong or if it is wrong, then sharing is the best thing. Emotions hidden inside fester and balloon into much bigger problems. I still have a very hard time with it, but I am getting better.

Some days I feel strong in the Lord like nothing can knock me down, other days or weeks I will find myself flirting with despair as it pulls me in closer.

I completely know those two feelings. It does not happen as much anymore - I am more even-keeled as things relate to poly anyway. Consider if it is true for you as it was for me - I was not relying on the Lord on my "strong" days. Those days were me either white-knuckling obedience or covering up emotions "well". I felt strong in the moment but only because I was hiding the truth. I can't say if that's what you're experiencing, so disregard if I am totally off-base here!

I don't know if any of that helps at all. Youa re certainly not alone in how you are feeling. And I will pray for you.

 

[julieb]

If the Worst Case Scenario is possible, then the Best Case Scenario is also possible. It turns out, the devil doesn't much like me pondering all the wonderful possibilities that could result from joyful obedience to the Lord.

This is Gold! I love how you have described your journey to take captive your thoughts. And realize that if you do this and believe God is good and God loves you, then in the end it doesn't matter what happens, it matters that you have chosen to be in on the path God has asked you to be on. The only thing I would add would be that our "okayness" can't be dependent on what others do, it is dependent on what we do in growing our trust in our Heavenly Father to care for us no matter what scenario happens. Thank you for sharing such an impactful thing regarding your journey, @NVIII's Babe!

 

[WifeOfHisYouth]

Aw I love that, thank you for sharing. More recently I have found myself flipping the negative coin over to ponder the positives and it’s a game changer. I hadn’t thought of the coin analogy but I love it.

 

[NVIII's Babe]

This is Gold! I love how you have described your journey to take captive your thoughts. And realize that if you do this and believe God is good and God loves you, then in the end it doesn't matter what happens, it matters that you have chosen to be in on the path God has asked you to be on. The only thing I would add would be that our "okayness" can't be dependent on what others do, it is dependent on what we do in growing our trust in our Heavenly Father to care for us no matter what scenario happens. Thank you for sharing such an impactful thing regarding your journey, @NVIII's Babe!

Yes, that's true, too. Thank you for pointing that out.

 

[Joleneakamama]

Love the insights and the strategy of hanging on to what you know.
My husband proved his love for me over 21 years ago....beyond all doubt. It is very nice to have that as a sure element in your world.
I know God loves me....and my sisterwife loves me too. The rest of life is easier when you know people care....but seriously as I was sharing on this thread last year, emotions can be challenging.

I found an herbal that is for balancing hormones that seems to have made a big difference for me (once I doubled the dose to 6 caps a day)
I feel more stable and level emotionally, and have enjoyed a slightly longer monthly cycle. I'll take three more days a month gladly!
Once I realized I might be dealing with issues as I come up on 50 this year, I also quit taking my feelings as seriously.
Trying to evaluate your own emotional state internally is a bit interesting. Feeling the difference though can sure help!

 

[Bria]

I can relate to everything you have written here

haha! That is good to know, maybe I just need to get comfortable with the fact that this might just be a life long thing (The ups and downs, hills and valleys) and that yeah it might get easier over time but it may still happen.

I don't know your story, but I have been on the poly journey for almost 2 years now and God has shaped and changed both of my husband's heart and my heart tremendously. I wrote my question to you when I was in a low point around feeling rejected and disposable by people around us (we just moved to a new state and finding true solid fellowship has been hard) so that is more what I was refereing too. I didn't clarify at the time but maybe it would help a little with the advice aspect.

I appreciate what you wrote though just knowing I am not alone in this is helpful and also encouraging to me that you are finding things are getting easier so thank you for your response and prayers!

 

[Bria]

Self-doubt and self-pity are actually pride dressed up.

I will also keep an eye out for this, I do fall into self-pity often it's one of the main things I am trying to look out for but it is definitely sneaky and I never thought of it as pride in disguise so that is an interesting out look!

 

[NVIII's Babe]

@Bria ,

I don't have specific advice about maintaining or finding fellowship once on the poly journey. It hasn't been an issue... yet.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with rejection. I suppose it could happen over any individual topic, but poly seems especially divisive. I will pray more specifically for you over that. And at least you have this site, if that's an encouragement?

We are about 6 years into poly, and I still have low points. They are, however, less generalized than they used to be. It used to be extremely overwhelming; I had a very, very difficult time accepting the truth. There were several stages, and I'm still not "done", I feel. But there are fewer tough things, fewer low points, and when they come up, they're specific enough that they are easily addressed. I can't say your journey will be similar, but maybe, and so I hope that is encouraging to you.

Definitely test me on that about self-pity and self-doubt, and ask your husband. I think they are forms of pride; it makes sense in my mind. But I am no Bible scholar or expert!

 

[Rose of Sharon]

This is gold as julieb said. So much that I want to write everything that you said in my journal. I am so happy that you took the time to write this and share it with us. For years, husband and I had this high expectations and prayed that it would happen and now that my best friend and sister wife came on board, the “what if’s” just don’t stop with me. I became angry with him one day when we were snuggling all together and he couldn’t stop kissing her. Man, I really lost it. I told him that there will be no favoritism. He pulled me in the room and we had a discussion that if this was going to work, it had better be fair. I also told him that if he were to do the same to her, it would hurt her feelings. He finally realized how hurt I was and what he was doing and that was making me feel like a third wheel. It was not the first time either but after the second time, he knew that I was pretty upset. He told me that he was learning and he apologized for it. Men really need to think and decide that getting a sister wife is what they really want to do because it does take huge responsibilities on their part and to take into effect both wives. I have a wonderful man and he is now very attentive to both our feelings and concerns. And if I have any concerns, I am able to go to him and we work it out. If you read my last post, you would see that this has been very emotional for me through all this but a good man and husband, with the help from the Lord will smooth out those wrinkles.

 

[NVIII's Babe]

@Rose of Sharon , I'm glad you three have been able to work things out. I can only imagine "little" things like that and how difficult they will/could be. And I loved to see your praise of your husband at the end. The Lord is sufficient always, even or maybe especially when our husbands disappoint us. But what joy when they are good to us and treat us lovingly!

I'd caution against the "it had better be fair" argument. Fair doesn't mean equal. Fair treatment doesn't look like everyone getting the same thing. I don't want to equate wives with children, but children make an excellent illustration for fairness. A 10-year-old child may be allowed to play outdoors unsupervised. A 2-year-old child maybe shouldn't be allowed to do that (everyone parents differently, lives in different circumstances, etc, so I'm writing in general terms). It doesn't seem "fair" to the toddler that he can't do what his older brother can do. But it is fair treatment because the mother is treating each child according to their capabilities, age, needs, etc.

I don't think any man would want to be counting kisses, date nights out, sexual encounters, etc with his wives and keeping an even score! That sounds miserable to me - as it is unreasonable to keep score of hours awake with the baby versus hours mowing the lawn or dishes washed versus pieces of clothing folded. It is better, in my experience, to be gracious and generous, thinking less of myself and more of others.

However, I do think it was wise to bring that hurt to your husband, and it's a happiness that he understood your pain and made some changes. I have a fear of becoming a third wheel, or becoming the cook or maid, stirring or scrubbing away while other wives play and have fun with our husband. Logically, I believe that's an extremely unlikely reality, but I don't think men should inherently dismiss the possibility that they'd favor a wife over another in their attentions or think that the unfavored wife should just get over it. She should definitely pray and seek after something she may be doing to cause the disconnection with her husband and then approach him with gentleness of spirit to share her heart with him. It would be wise for a husband to be watchful of the possibility and prepared to hear from his wives with a soft heart, maybe even checking in privately with each from time to time and asking if they've been feeling left out. Communication goes so far in those situations, I think.

 

[Mrs.S]

@NVIII's Babe Thank you for sharing about your journey. I needed to hear that. While I definitely struggle with insecurities I have found the up ending of my Christian view point the most difficult. Like the rug being pulled out from under me. I am the daughter of a Baptist Minister and grew up in the church believing and following church doctrine. After marrying my husband he wisely challenged me on many of my view points leading me into a better understanding of God’s word. Then recently we started the polygyny conversation. With that has come the deepest uncovering of doctrinal inaccuracies in the Christian Church. These have some how been the hardest. I feel a bit like I’ve lost my footing. I so dearly want to know the Truth, God’s truth, and no longer live in bondage to cultural religious norms. In saying that, your list of 3 things you know to be true has put words to what I have been trying to come up with. This whole journey, Polygyny as it’s catalyst, has been incredible but scary. I have so many of those what if’s as well. I have to keep praying: Lord, beyond my feelings, what is the truth of this situation or those words. God has been faithful to answer, but I completely agree that the ups and downs just seem to be part of navigating the waves of this fallen world. I am just trying to keep my eyes above the storm to Christ. Easier said than done. Thank you again for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I am so grateful to be part of this community.

 

[NVIII's Babe]

@Mrs.S I hear you and I empathize with your fears. It is scary to begin the road of questioning everything you thought you knew. I did not grow up religious or spiritual or a Christian, so I have "only" had the pagan cultural indoctrination to combat, and even that has felt overwhelmingly impossible at times. I can only imagine the wall you're looking at having to climb with church doctrine added to all that!

I commend you for taking these steps, for not willing to be ignorant, to desire to know the truth. So many are not willing. They logically see a glimpse of the lies they live in and then take the other path. They harden their hearts, they shut their eyes and ears, they turn away and usually plunge deeper into falsehood. They are too afraid to step out in faith.

What a testimony you have to share! Praise God. I am nowhere near "arrived", I pray daily God will keep my heart soft and moldable to HIS will, and continue to peel layers of fear out of me.

I can promise you that God is faithful and God is good always!

 

[Joleneakamama]

I had a few thoughts the other day, but wanted to give myself some time to think about it before responding. I also don't at all intend to offend, and I realize I only have a tiny glimpse of the situation that I'm commenting on. There can be so much more, and many other aspects that factor in to these moments.

For years, husband and I had this high expectations and prayed that it would happen and now that my best friend and sister wife came on board, the “what if’s” just don’t stop with me. I became angry with him one day when we were snuggling all together and he couldn’t stop kissing her. Man, I really lost it. I told him that there will be no favoritism.

We talked about polygyny too for many years, probably over 20, and I hoped to get this chance to actually live it. One of my expectations from reading other's experiences (and remembering how life went) was that "my" husband was going to go through that new love stage with all the excitement and infatuation.....with someone else.
That new woman he loves, who is experiencing that crazy flood of emotion and desire with him and for him, cannot be expected to act like a 20 year married wife during this honeymoon stage of their relationship!

Maybe you could flip that emotion around and instead of feeling left out and hurt or even angry you could focus on the trust they must have in your love for them and acceptance of their relationship with each other.
They already have an extra element to keep in mind that you did not. When you and your husband started your relationship there was no one else there in those intimate moments. Neither of you had to consider the feelings of another, you could just get lost in each other as often as you found an out of the way corner. You both had complete freedom to express your feelings and love for each other.
To expect something different for them is to expect them to deny those impulses, put those ideas on hold, and allow your relationship to dominate theirs. It is a kind of reverse favoritism.

I also told him that if he were to do the same to her, it would hurt her feelings. He finally realized how hurt I was and what he was doing and that was making me feel like a third wheel.

I can relate to that feeling like a third wheel aspect ....and I'm sure you felt a bit left out or like an afterthought. This is normal enough. You really don't know how your sisterwife would feel though. She may be happy for you, or encouraged by seeing that you still are close and have a good relationship after many years together.

So much of life is how we choose to see it. I know of a man who almost got on a commercial flight that went down. He will no longer fly because he was almost killed. Instead he could choose to be fearless and focus on faith that God won't take him before his time.
My sis was dating a guy that almost died on our floor after taking painkillers that suppressed respiration....and sleeping crowded on his back. He was unconscious and barely breathing. She got scared by that and broke up with him. She could have seen that in the light that God preserved him and was with him.

In every situation you have a choice in how you respond. You can choose fear or faith, but you cannot do both. You can have faith in your husband's love for you....faith that the three of you will always care for each other, or you can fear you will somehow be left out.
The emotions may be real....but unchecked doubt will grow those feelings into monsters that will just overshadow and devour the positive in your life. Faith is like the light that when held up keeps the shadows small.

This is my two cents worth....and is as much me remembering and telling myself as it is me trying to tell anyone else. I sure hope it can be taken that way!

 

[Mrs.S]

@Mrs.S I hear you and I empathize with your fears. It is scary to begin the road of questioning everything you thought you knew. I did not grow up religious or spiritual or a Christian, so I have "only" had the pagan cultural indoctrination to combat, and even that has felt overwhelmingly impossible at times. I can only imagine the wall you're looking at having to climb with church doctrine added to all that!

I commend you for taking these steps, for not willing to be ignorant, to desire to know the truth. So many are not willing. They logically see a glimpse of the lies they live in and then take the other path. They harden their hearts, they shut their eyes and ears, they turn away and usually plunge deeper into falsehood. They are too afraid to step out in faith.

What a testimony you have to share! Praise God. I am nowhere near "arrived", I pray daily God will keep my heart soft and moldable to HIS will, and continue to peel layers of fear out of me.

I can promise you that God is faithful and God is good always!

Thank you for your words of encouragement. It’s so true. We have to be willing to go through that peeling experience in order to grow. And it can be painful, but the peace to be found when we humble ourselves before our savior and allow him to peel or prune us is one of the most soul quenching experiences I have gone through. It always seemed to me like sitting at the feet of my maker. Maybe that sounds weird but that’s about the only way I can think to describe it. I have, like most of you I’m sure, been through a good deal of pain and grief. And yet despite those moments that feel like you can’t survive them He is always present, holding us. So it causes me to think if he will hold me and make a way for me through grief of my own (or others) making, of course he will guide me on my journey to the Truth of who he is and his plans for my family apart from the cultural church we now find ourselves in; that’s for His glory. It gives me great hope. Please don’t misunderstand, there are many times that find me crying into a dish towel but the fact that He is beside me, leading my husband, and my family really helps to smooth out the ups and downs. It doesn’t always feel good, but I am learning to distance myself from my feelings and pay attention to the Truth. God is good, He loves me and I love him, and He has blessed me with an awesome husband who loves me and I love dearly. Thank you @NVIII's Babe! I am so enjoying this thread. It’s great to share and fellowship. We live in the boonies, homesteading off-grid so I don’t get much female conversation.

 

[Rose of Sharon]

I had a few thoughts the other day, but wanted to give myself some time to think about it before responding. I also don't at all intend to offend, and I realize I only have a tiny glimpse of the situation that I'm commenting on. There can be so much more, and many other aspects that factor in to these moments.


We talked about polygyny too for many years, probably over 20, and I hoped to get this chance to actually live it. One of my expectations from reading other's experiences (and remembering how life went) was that "my" husband was going to go through that new love stage with all the excitement and infatuation.....with someone else.
That new woman he loves, who is experiencing that crazy flood of emotion and desire with him and for him, cannot be expected to act like a 20 year married wife during this honeymoon stage of their relationship!

Maybe you could flip that emotion around and instead of feeling left out and hurt or even angry you could focus on the trust they must have in your love for them and acceptance of their relationship with each other.
They already have an extra element to keep in mind that you did not. When you and your husband started your relationship there was no one else there in those intimate moments. Neither of you had to consider the feelings of another, you could just get lost in each other as often as you found an out of the way corner. You both had complete freedom to express your feelings and love for each other.
To expect something different for them is to expect them to deny those impulses, put those ideas on hold, and allow your relationship to dominate theirs. It is a kind of reverse favoritism.

I can relate to that feeling like a third wheel aspect ....and I'm sure you felt a bit left out or like an afterthought. This is normal enough. You really don't know how your sisterwife would feel though. She may be happy for you, or encouraged by seeing that you still are close and have a good relationship after many years together.

So much of life is how we choose to see it. I know of a man who almost got on a commercial flight that went down. He will no longer fly because he was almost killed. Instead he could choose to be fearless and focus on faith that God won't take him before his time.
My sis was dating a guy that almost died on our floor after taking painkillers that suppressed respiration....and sleeping crowded on his back. He was unconscious and barely breathing. She got scared by that and broke up with him. She could have seen that in the light that God preserved him and was with him.

In every situation you have a choice in how you respond. You can choose fear or faith, but you cannot do both. You can have faith in your husband's love for you....faith that the three of you will always care for each other, or you can fear you will somehow be left out.
The emotions may be real....but unchecked doubt will grow those feelings into monsters that will just overshadow and devour the positive in your life. Faith is like the light that when held up keeps the shadows small.

This is my two cents worth....and is as much me remembering and telling myself as it is me trying to tell anyone else. I sure hope it can be taken that way!

You have not offended me at all. Thank you for your comment. Since my last post here, I have backed off. More than I should. Does it hurt? Yes it does but the jealousy is no longer there. I am starting to withdraw and that’s not a good emotion either, I suppose. I love them both so much and the emotions now run in my head is to just fade. This emotion started after she has been with him emotionally and take trips with him. He also works 3 days a week away from town so the last time that was actually spending time with him was last Tuesday. I am not used to being away that long from his presence. Yes, it is now the feeling of separation. The sad part if you want to know the truth is that I don’t feel the need to even eat.

 

[Joleneakamama]

It's hard to keep a "need you" feeling when you have time apart. You have to manage alone part of the time....and can get used to going it alone.
Try to communicate with your people. They can't read minds or support you if you don't let them know how you're doing.

 

[Rose of Sharon]

I wanted to let you all know that everything is good and wonderful.

 

[ChristinaB]

Early on in my polygyny journey, I often became overwhelmed with the What Ifs. My mind was occupied with all the horrible things that might happen, often leading to near-panic attacks. I was able to conquer that spiral of hell. Looking back, there were a few stages in that battle.

When I first decided, "No more, Lord, please," I fought those What Ifs with the Truth - the basic Truth that had kept me afloat in the very first days of my husband introducing me to poly. The three-pronged Truth I clung to repeated over and over any time my toe felt the earth crumble beneath me.

1. God loves me and I love Him.
2. My husband loves me and I love him.
3. God is always good.

I felt uncertain about much more than those few things, so I clung to what I did know. These three were demonstrable. I had personal, undeniable proof of all three.

When the What Ifs threatened to shatter my foothold on peace, I would repeat them. I did only that until I could walk right past that mental dark hole of What If Doom with a yawn.

At that point, I started to test myself and these pesky What Ifs. It felt a bit like playing with fire or inching ever closer to a bottomless pit to see how close I could get and how far I could peer in without tumbling down. I always remembered the Truth, in case I stepped too close.

This testing was flipping the coin. What if this horrible, terrible, awful thing happens? OK, but what if the opposite, totally wonderful, amazing, and unimaginably pleasant thing happens instead? I saw the Worst Case Scenario my mind wanted me to see... and raised it a Best Case Scenario.

What if this rainbow baby also dies in my womb? OK, but what if he doesn't and is the most robust and healthy child in the family?

What if my husband dies on his way to work tomorrow? OK, but what if he doesn't and you grow old and feeble and die together surrounded by almost incalculable blessing?

What if my husband enjoys my sisterwife's company, her laugh, her body, her personality more than mine and never wants to be around me anymore? OK, but what if he enjoys and appreciates each of your strengths to the absolute maximum while also helping you both to overcome each of your weaknesses and you get to see him filled to the brim with joy and thanksgiving to the Lord for decades to come?

If the Worst Case Scenario is possible, then the Best Case Scenario is also possible. It turns out, the devil doesn't much like me pondering all the wonderful possibilities that could result from joyful obedience to the Lord.

For a long while now, I've been testing my faith in a new way with this little mind game I've got going. The What Ifs lead into a deep, dark hole, but I've found that hole has stairs, too. I don't have to fall and flail, terrified, until I hit the bottom. I can creep down along the winding staircase, asking, probing, cautiously.

In this case, it is testing... what if the What If happens? What if the Worst Case Scenario does happen? We live in a fallen world. I am imperfect and make mistakes. My husband, to whom I submit my whole life, is imperfect and makes mistakes. Any potential future wives are imperfect and make mistakes.

So, What If? What if my husband does die on that next plane ride? What if one of my beloved children dies? What if my husband does enjoy another wife more than me, neglects me, ignores me?

What if? Well,

1. God loves me and I love Him.
3. God is always good.

Is that enough? Is God enough for me? If He allows that every source of happiness in my life is taken, will I still praise Him? Will I still obey Him with that as a possibility?

With His grace and mercy, I pray that I would. Mentally standing at the bottom of the pit of woe and despair, there is nothing left besides God. What would I do if those things happened? Obey God. I don't exactly know what obedience would look like in every situation, but I don't need to know now. His grace is sufficient for the day. His strength would be my strength and would uphold me and equip me to obey.

Now, I can climb in and out of that mental pit without losing my footing and grip on what's Real. The What If fears don't plague me. I am still watchful - I don't want to get lazy or prideful and think I can no longer be tempted by them. And I have other fears and worries to conquer. But the What Ifs don't nag at me like they did before.

Love this!!! Thank you