Help my heart be surrendered

[Happyhen]

Ladies,
Can you share your hearts here or with me privately?
I’m a first wife, with hubby considering a second. A very good friend of mine.
It seems like so many touches of divinity in the relationships here, in our story. However, it still just puts a gripping g sadness in my heart, in so any ways to think if him actually marrying her. For her to have the same relationship with my husband as I do. To be able to touch him, serve him, receive “those looks” from him and give him “those looks” and those touches freely, I hurt so bad inside just thinking about it.
Not all of the time. Sometimes I can try to imagine, and I actually can imagine, finding it a joy to see them love and care for each other.
I’m scared to trust myself that I could hold it together if they would marry. He won’t do it without my ok. He doesn’t want to deal treacherously with me. He loves me. But he loves her too. She doesn’t want to hurt me.
How do I deal with this hurt?
I know it’s biblically ok. But what do I do with my emotions, my heart?
Can those of you that have lived as the first wife, and then gave up the monogamous position of “the wife” to “one of the wives”, tell me how to become what I’m supposed to be now that my husband is in love with another woman? HOW do I deal with this heartache?
Does it feel like you have half a husband? Or that you are alone much of the time, to deal with the ache and disappointment of his heart being elsewhere? To learn to take your loneliness yo Jesus and find solace there?
I know this may be impossible for you to even answer. I’m aware there is Jolene.
But I know she is a rare specimen.
I have read enough to know that you are not all Jolenes. Share your battle strategy to overcoming if you will.
Or, if it’s still a battle years later, can you be vulnerable and share that too?
I just want to know IS it possible to completely eradicate jealousy and just that sense of “belonging to an exclusive oneness” with my beloved? Will I even still few a sense of belonging if he’s in the position to pour all of his passions into another?
My 50 years of a monogamous mindset is struggling to wrap my mind around this.
Thank you ladies for caring and sharing!

 

[NVIII's Babe]

But what do I do with my emotions, my heart?

As I've heard before and like to tell myself, haul your emotions to the foot of the cross and demand that they worship Jesus. I imagine it as an old school marm gripping the ear of a non-compliant boy and speed-walking him to the principals office. Maybe she has to yank that boy down the hall every day for months before he finally gets the picture, but diligently drag him she does.

Another illustration - the gardener pulling weeds. The weeds are going to pop up. The question is - what will you do? For one, a barren garden bed will seem to be a breeding ground for weeds. Some old timer gardeners like to say, "Nature will always cover bare dirt." Fill that bed with good, desirable plants! Fill it with the fruits of the Spirit. Choose love, joy, peace, patience, etc. That leaves less room for the weeds. Then, when you see that tiny, shallow-rooted weed pop up, yank it out. Don't let it grow any bigger. Don't water it! Don't put a hedge around it and protect it! Yank it out. And then tend those good plants so they will grow bigger and leave less room for the weeds. Will the weeds still find a place to germinate? Possibly it is a lifelong task - Paul's writings suggest it is so. But if you are diligent in pulling out the tiny weeds, it never becomes such a large task.

tell me how to become what I’m supposed to be now that my husband is in love with another woman? HOW do I deal with this heartache?

I'm not sure a person can do that themselves. I know I couldn't. I didn't see real, lasting change in me until I surrendered to God and quit trying to white knuckle my way through. I knew that I was not truly surrendered to His will for me in the beginning. I was simply painting those ugly weeds with pretty green paint and trying to pretend they were good fruits - like those stupid plastic neon flowers that companies glue to the tips of cacti at the big box stores to make them appear to be in bloom. But I knew and God knew what was underneath. I had to stop trying to *appear* OK and actually just BE OK.

Does it feel like you have half a husband? Or that you are alone much of the time, to deal with the ache and disappointment of his heart being elsewhere? To learn to take your loneliness yo Jesus and find solace there?

Of course it doesn't feel that way, although I recognize that fear. I hope my children don't feel like they only have ⅕ of a mother because they have to share me with their siblings! Love multiplies, it doesn't divide. Another baby means MORE love. Another wife means MORE love. Explaining that to a mother with one child who is fearful for her next is about as difficult as explaining it to a woman who is fearful over her husband's next woman.

His heart isn't elsewhere. It is one with each of his wives. It's more. It is bigger. God is the source of love and He fills our husbands with love to pour into us.

When I'm changing a baby's diaper, I am occupied and focused on one child, but my love for the rest is not absent from them in the meantime. I don't only love my children when I'm holding their precious faces in my hands. My husband doesn't only love me when he has his arms around me! God's love through him is still with me when my husband's physical body and attention is at work.

Will I even still few a sense of belonging if he’s in the position to pour all of his passions into another?

This all or nothing mindset is a stumbling block. I know it comes from monogamy-only culture. It is unhealthy and self-centered. From my experience, it's a problem in a relationship even if polygyny never comes up. If another woman doesn't catalyze these feelings to bubble up, it is something else - children, neighbors, friends, jobs, relatives, hobbies... a new wife hits really close because of the intimacy of the relationship, but it's the same yucky pus inside that needs treatment. It's easy to think that if he didn't have another woman in mind, everything would be hunky-dory. And maybe it would for a while. But *she* isn't the problem. The problem is in the thinking "me and no one/nothing else", "what about me?"

 

[Happyhen]

Thank you!
I think that I know these things, I just needed to see them in print, so I can go back to read them until it becomes more my default more consistently!
I was really struggling yesterday, spent time with Yeshua late last night and again this morning. He’s been reminding me of all these truths. It’s good to have the second witness of truth to my heart.
My husband is so good to me, I just don’t want our relationship compromised. He doesn’t either. It’s good to hear from someone who has walked the journey, especially when nearly everyone around us says it would be marital suicide and regret.

Bless you!

 

[Happyhen]

You are such a blessing!!

 

[julieb]

@NVIII's Babe definitely spoke truth; I am glad it is written down for you to read over and over, too.

I would just like to add that at some point first wives have to grieve their former idea of how they believed their marriage was always going to be. Look up the 5 stages of grief (denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and read about them. Pray about recognizing them in yourself, and then process each emotion intentionally as it comes up. Don't let the emotion rule you but acknowledge that you feel this way. Then ask God to show you a bit of His new plan for you. (Jer 29:11-13) What new "plants" need to be planted and nurtured, as said above. It might seem that so many things are being taken away from you right now but remind yourself of all the good things that are still true and trustworthy in your life. Gratitude is a powerful tool!

For her to have the same relationship with my husband as I do. To be able to touch him, serve him, receive “those looks” from him and give him “those looks” and those touches freely, I hurt so bad inside just thinking about it.

I might be reading into this, but the above quote makes me think that you believe you won't feel these things again with your husband if he marries another woman. Life WILL be different but that doesn't mean all your history with your husband will magically be forgotten because he has a "shiny new thing," as they say. I guarantee you that he will NEED your foundational history to be a good husband to this new wife. Don't forget he will have just as many adjustments to deal with as you will, if this happens. But I have to say, I think you both are ahead of so many families that are meeting new ladies for the first time. You have history with this lady, you have understanding of the good and the bad of this lady. You are so ahead of the pack!

God is a good Father, grow your trust in Him, and thus trust in your husband. He will provide all you need, and probably get rid of a few things you didn't ever need but are holding onto for some reason, in the process. One day at a time, that is all any of us can do. Be the best you can in this moment, and listen for His voice as he guides you, cares for you, and blesses you.

 

[Happyhen]

Thank you Julie!! Much wisdom here!

 

[MsPurple1]

I am a new first wife. My husband has taken a second wife about 4 months ago. What Julieb said is correct! I have been through almost all of those stages. I’m still working on them. Trust your husband as he trusts God. Your hubby will mess up sometimes, but just keep trusting him. Your love for him and God will keep you going.