How did you do it?

[frederick]

Or, if you haven't done it yet, how will you do it?

For those who have more than one wife, how or what did you do to establish the place/position of the additional woman in your relationship?

Most of us are living in countries that have laws against bigamy, so we don't have more than one legal wife. Some of us probably regret the fact that we made the mistake of giving the government recognition in our first marital relationship. That aside, what's the means you have used to give formal recognition to an additional woman? Did you have a ceremony, write a contract or covenant, or something else?

The reason I'm asking is also to get some ideas as to what a woman has in mind that makes her the "wife" to her man. Security and the sense of belonging can be big issues for a woman. How did you women get to that place of feeling secure in your relationship?

 

[frederick]

Another thought that comes to mind; what gives you (the woman) the security and best sense of belonging in your marriage/relationship? What did you do, or do you need to have happen to feel like you now belong to your husband?

 

[NBTX11]

We did not have a ceremony. What we chose to do is I gave her a ring as a symbol of our marriage and my commitment. Not necessary, but she wanted one, so I gave her one. Actually gave her both an engagement ring when we decided to get married and a marriage band when we married. The day we married, I gave her the ring and we made promises to each other. We promised to be husband and wife for life. Then we sealed the marriage commitment with our bodies.

That is just what we did. We did not have a formal ceremony. It was informal between us.

 

[frederick]

We did not have a ceremony. What we chose to do is I gave her a ring as a symbol of our marriage and my commitment. Not necessary, but she wanted one, so I gave her one. Actually gave her both an engagement ring when we decided to get married and a marriage band when we married. The day we married, I gave her the ring and we made promises to each other. We promised to be husband and wife for life. Then we sealed the marriage commitment with our bodies.

That is just what we did. We did not have a formal ceremony. It was informal between us.

Great. That's just what I was wanting to know. Does your new wife feel secure with what you all did?

 

[Bartato]

Or, if you haven't done it yet, how will you do it?

For those who have more than one wife, how or what did you do to establish the place/position of the additional woman in your relationship?

Most of us are living in countries that have laws against bigamy, so we don't have more than one legal wife. Some of us probably regret the fact that we made the mistake of giving the government recognition in our first marital relationship. That aside, what's the means you have used to give formal recognition to an additional woman? Did you have a ceremony, write a contract or covenant, or something else?

The reason I'm asking is also to get some ideas as to what a woman has in mind that makes her the "wife" to her man. Security and the sense of belonging can be big issues for a woman. How did you women get to that place of feeling secure in your relationship?

Frederick, you have more than one wife. Would you mind sharing what you did?
I only have one wife, so I don't have anything to share.

 

[frederick]

Frederick, you have more than one wife. Would you mind sharing what you did?
I only have one wife, so I don't have anything to share.

You can share what you would do. Do you have a plan?

For me and my second, we discovered what God says in the Bible about polygyny, believed it, and acted on it. Because of the circumstances of her life (I'll not go into details here), there wasn't the need to involve any of her family. So, like @NBTX11, we made promises to one another and sealed the deal in bed. I gave her a wedding band, and we signed a Covenant document which is now framed and hung on the bedroom wall. The Covenant document is something we designed for ourselves, not something we found.

What has given my wives security is the repeated focus on what is clearly presented in the Bible about marriage. There is a huge amount of pressure that women seem to particularly have to face about marriage, so having them anchored on the Truth is essential for survival.

I'd be very grateful if any of the women on BF could share their perspective(?) I think this might be helpful for others to understand how to foster the confidence women/wives need.

 

[NBTX11]

Great. That's just what I was wanting to know. Does your new wife feel secure with what you all did?

Yes, she feels very secure. She was completely satisfied with this. On May 29th, it will be 6 months of marriage for us.

 

[frederick]

Yes, she feels very secure. She was completely satisfied with this. On May 29th, it will be 6 months of marriage for us.

That's fantastic. I hope others will find this helpful and encouraging. Cheers

 

[NBTX11]

One other thing. We refrained from sexual activity until our marriage day. We made the commitment prior to going to bed.

 

[Bartato]

One other thing. We refrained from sexual activity until our marriage day. We made the commitment prior to going to bed.

I would expect nothing less of you brother, as you are an honorable Christian man.

 

[FollowingHim]

You can share what you would do. Do you have a plan?

Hypothetically, my plan would be:

If she's never been married before, she has been looking forward all her life to a big wedding - every girl has - and I'd do what I could to make that happen, so she could feel honoured the same as my first wife, and not have the marriage begin with a disappointment that she would never be the bride wearing the white dress. Obviously such an event would not be as big as hoped and would be fraught with family strife, but I'd be attempting to give her the public recognition that should accompany a marriage. This would show I was serious about it, not only to her but also to her family, even (and especially) those who disagreed and refused to attend. It would be something to always look back on to show that this was not just a secret affair.

However, in practice, that may not be viable, so it's a desire rather than a plan.

Were I marrying a mature woman who had already been married in the past, there would be less of an emotional need for such a thing on her side, and I'd be far more likely to do things more casually as @frederick and @NBTX11 have described. And the reality is that this is far more likely.

 

[MarkH]

Hypothetically, my plan would be:
I would have a ceremony, if only between my first wife, the bride, and myself. If like-minded friends were available, I'd include some of them. I'd present her with a ring, we'd speak to our covenant, and we'd have our signature kiss. More than likely communion would be a part of that. I think a celebration meal is called for with the friends if included and a sending off of the newlywedded couple to the wedding night.
I personally believe ritual is important in marking special occasions.

 

[NBTX11]

Were I marrying a mature woman who had already been married in the past, there would be less of an emotional need for such a thing on her side, and I'd be far more likely to do things more casually as @frederick and @NBTX11 have described. And the reality is that this is far more likely.

My wife was 52 years old and was not looking for a big wedding ceremony. A private commitment was fine with both of us

 

[frederick]

However, in practice, that may not be viable, so it's a desire rather than a plan.

Reading it, it comes across as a fertile idea in your mind and one that covers many of the expected challenges.

And the reality is that this is far more likely.

When the rubber hits the road, I think you need to have some sort of idea as to how you will go the necessary direction to arrive at the desired location.

If she's never been married before, she has been looking forward all her life to a big wedding - every girl has - and I'd do what I could to make that happen, so she could feel honoured the same as my first wife, and not have the marriage begin with a disappointment that she would never be the bride wearing the white dress.

This could very well give her the sense of belonging and security.

I'm still looking out for that super-hot 18-year-old orphaned virgin girl for you. That way there won't be any family strife on her end to deal with.

 

[frederick]

Hypothetically, my plan would be:
I would have a ceremony, if only between my first wife, the bride, and myself. If like-minded friends were available, I'd include some of them. I'd present her with a ring, we'd speak to our covenant, and we'd have our signature kiss. More than likely communion would be a part of that. I think a celebration meal is called for with the friends if included and a sending off of the newlywedded couple to the wedding night.
I personally believe ritual is important in marking special occasions.

Thank you.

I would have a ceremony

Would any of the women on BF like to comment on this? For first time brides, is this important to you? For those who've come from situations where you've had the ceremony or whatever (no need to go into personal detail), do you want it again? Will it help to give you the sense of security in the new relationship?

 

[frederick]

My wife was 52 years old and was not looking for a big wedding ceremony. A private commitment was fine with both of us

Same, however my second was a little younger.

 

[NBTX11]

Same, however my second was a little younger.

@frederick my wives are 51 and 53. I’m 52, so we’re all essentially the same age.

 

[frederick]

@frederick my wives are 51 and 53. I’m 52, so we’re all essentially the same age.

OK, I'm 65 and my wives are 60 and 53.

 

[paterfamilias]

Or, if you haven't done it yet, how will you do it?

For those who have more than one wife, how or what did you do to establish the place/position of the additional woman in your relationship?

Most of us are living in countries that have laws against bigamy, so we don't have more than one legal wife. Some of us probably regret the fact that we made the mistake of giving the government recognition in our first marital relationship. That aside, what's the means you have used to give formal recognition to an additional woman? Did you have a ceremony, write a contract or covenant, or something else?

The reason I'm asking is also to get some ideas as to what a woman has in mind that makes her the "wife" to her man. Security and the sense of belonging can be big issues for a woman. How did you women get to that place of feeling secure in your relationship?

Annoyingly I had a phone issue while I was doing a quick read through to catch typos etc on my previous attempt to reply and was only able to recover part of my initial comments...but just assume they were brilliant and insightful as opposed to whatever I come up with now.

I have never been willing to accept the marriage license authoritarian grift, so my first wife and I were married in Ireland at a Cistercian abbey. Thereby neatly sidestepping the requirement.

So, second marriage was a private affair with friends and family with a qualified friend conducting the ceremony in a nice location. It was a nice day. It was also not endorsed by the state. See authoritarian grift.

With respect to how they feel secure in their new position.
That is hard and honestly more of a you and your family thing.
It is something that some will struggle with significantly. The thing is, lots of monogamous marriages struggle in exactly the same way. Read a figure recently claiming that just over half of mono marriages are done in 8 years or less. Have to think that the issue of feeling secure plays a role in that.
The only thing you can do is be open and make sure everyone is acting in good faith towards each other and putting the family above any individual.
I can say that how the ladies get on is important as can be.
We set up a council of wives (dunt dunt duuuuu...ominous musical fanfare) to get the ladies heads together re planning appointments, scheduling where the big oaf was sleeping on a given night, holiday or birthday plans and so on...all the normal family stuff.
I wanted them to be a team working hand in glove as friends, sisters and partners in their shared custody of the big silly ape.

Let's see...I/we thought it was a good idea to try to share as much of our life context as well as learn hers. The hope being for us to meld our respective life contexts into one bigger family story.

Could say more but I imagine you get the point.

 

[frederick]

Could say more but I imagine you get the point.

I hope you have a good imagination... I get the point.

The thing is, lots of monogamous marriages struggle in exactly the same way.

Exactly. But we all want to do better and not just be part of the "lots".

Thanks @paterfamilias. Your input here is much appreciated.