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How to accept plural marriage when you don't want that life

A

Autumn

New Member
Female
Hello everyone
I'm new here and have been a "lurker" for at least a year now. Well anyway let me explain. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and have 2 children and I'm currently pregnant with twins. My husband brought the idea of plural marriage to me about a year into our marriage. I was shocked and hurt and of coarse thought it was because i wasn't good enough I decided to research PM and realized it wasn't for me. For many reasons I didn't like it but my religion is a big reason why. I told my husband I wasn't OK with that he was upset but agreed he would not pursue PM.Also In response to me saying no he cheated on me with multiple women and had a long term affair that lasted 10 months. I was hurt and just felt awful my husbands excuse was " Well I still loved you when I was sleeping with other women". My husband has told me he IS going to sleep with other women if I don't let him have another wife and that I need to obey him.
Now I'm not judging anyone in a plural marriage I just personally don't believe in it.
I want to know how do I accept PM when I don't like it at all or want to live that way. When I bring up divorce my husband says "no it's not happening".
I'm sorry this is such a mess but how can I learn to accept PM?

Autumn
 
@Autumn , I will be praying for you. It does sound that you are in a tough situation. Your husband sleeping around is definitely wrong, particularly if it is vindictive.

The previous questions asked are a good place for us to start so we understand your and your husband's spiritual background and belief system.

And, a special blessing on the twins. Congrats.
 
Hrm.
Autumn said:
I want to know how do I accept PM when I don't like it at all or want to live that way.
Click to expand...
Autumn said:
I'm sorry this is such a mess but how can I learn to accept PM?
Click to expand...

I have no experience being a female being abruptly forced into PM, so consider the source. However, I have lots of experience being a man being strong armed into a great many duties and responsibilities that I vehemently did not want. So, I do know some precepts that are helpful.

The first step to emotional acceptance is intellectual agreement. Feelings don't need logic or reason to live, but they will sure as heck hide behind whatever you leave out there. As long as you 'don't believe' in PM, you're going to have a rough time accepting living it. You'll have to replace your current thoughts with more constructive ones that don't allow your feelings of resentment any place to grow.

Instead of "My husband is wrong/unfair/betraying my trust"; substitute "My husband is my husband and I am to submit to him in all things as unto the Lord"

Also you'll have to substitute "PM is wrong/sinful/not for this age/culture" with "PM is not accepted by the world but still quite biblical" (And this is probably THE best place for help on that particular point)

It's important to change your thoughts, because if your head won't process any assent to what your husband is doing, your heart won't pick up the heavier burden of learning to be 'ok' with it.

The second step addresses your actual feelings. Feelings don't always make sense, but they do have a certain rhythm. What you do changes the way you feel. A non-smoker may hate smokers and second-hand smoke, but after picking it up at a party and continuing with it for a while, their feelings on smoking have changed. When they finally quit smoking again they are either worse haters than before or more enlightened and tolerant to smokers, knowing how easy it is to start and how hard it is to quit. In any case, hypocritical as it may be, feelings are led around by the nose by actions. Also you will find that if you hate someone, that if you find a way to secretly bless them, (like leaving an envelope of money that they need in their mailbox or something) you will no longer hate them and will have difficulty viewing them as an enemy. Feelings don't care if it makes any sense at all, feelings have no loyalties. They are as powerful and dangerous as a charging bull, but a skinny dude with a red blanket can make them run any direction he wants.

Which is to say: If you want to change your feelings on PM, a really good way to change how you feel is to voluntarily take steps towards helping your husband achieve his goals. I can't give specifics because I don't know y'all at all, but basically the precepts are do something you really really don't want to do, without being told to do it. Like, don't just submit to what your husband has asked of you, but take it one step further without being asked. This will give your feelings at least some incentive to reverse course.

This is by no means all of my thoughts on your situation, but all of my thoughts that touch your actual question. I do think you would benefit greatly from association with some of the ladies of this forum, and your husband likewise may find some benefit to getting to know some of the fellas here.
 
@Autumn, I first really want to commend you on actually reaching out for help, and wanting to make this work. Many wives would simply run away in such a situation. You want to preserve your marriage and see that the best place for you to start is by changing yourself. I admire your attitude, it is excellent. Good on you.

I would also like to reiterate clearly that what your husband is doing, by sleeping around, is not ok. It is exactly what is described in Romans 13:13 as "chambering and wantonness". So whenever we say anything that encourages you to obey or support your husband, please don't read that as an endorsement of his behaviour. Nevertheless, whatever his behaviour, you are to submit to him in order to encourage him back towards a Godly path (1 Peter 3:1-2) - exactly as you are doing here.

Regarding emotions, I know when I first broached this subject with my wife she found the idea of me taking some other woman as a wife very upsetting. However, when I said "what if it were X" (being a mutual friend) she said "oh, that would be different"! Because a real person is less scary than an imagined one.

Now, if your husband has been sleeping with other women, depending on their availability biblically, he has been creating obligations for himself. These are not just impersonal sluts he has been using to hurt you - they are real, flesh-and-blood women he has been forming relationships with. It is sinful to abandon a woman. If your husband has been sleeping around, his biggest sin will be the trail of abandoned women he has left.

And the right solution to this, biblically, is for him to take responsibility for his own actions and marry them.

That can make it more difficult for you - or easier for you, depending on how you look at it.

Do you know who these women are, particularly the "long-term affair" or whoever he is sleeping with right now? Can you love them as people?

I agree with @Slumberfreeze that the best step is for you to actively do something outside your comfort zone. Could you approach at least one of these women in friendship, help them with something they need assistance with, demonstrate love - and in so doing, start to see them as a real person who has fallen in love with the same man you fell in love with, and therefore has something enormous in common with you?
 
Slumberfreeze swings, he connects, and it's over the fence!

Autumn, if you are a bible-believing Christian (you might be surprised how many of our members are former baptists who bring their love for the scriptures with them...), then you owe it to yourself to take some time to study with an open mind what God has really said about men and women and marriage. This website offers some great resources, but ultimately most of the real work will be between you, your bible, and the Holy Spirit.
 
I wasn't going to comment on this post as I don't want to speak against another husband or indeed interfere with another's marriage! That being said I have thought about it for a few hours and considering that this is a public forum and others also have the ability to read any comments made (just as you have in the past), I would just like to make a few observations if I may.

I feel for you my sister, your situation is not an easy one.

Secondly; I too would call my self a " non-denominational christian" but that requires that I still adhere to the tenants of the Christian faith and sleeping around does not comply with that faith! Many can claim to be followers of Christ (Mat 7:21-23), but to follow Christ we must indeed follow Christ. Plural marriage is acceptable before Christ but lose morals are not!
Autumn said:
I want to know how do I accept PM when I don't like it at all or want to live that way.
Click to expand...
The comments posted by others above hold much merit and certainly can be helpful. I look at it from this perspective, A husband is the family head and as a family head he can be just like Nable (1Sam 25: 3) or like Boaz (Ruth 4:9-10) one had honor the other did not. Either way as a wife the answer to your question is with your husband. Please allow me to explain what I mean. If I were to "tell" you that you are going to purchase a new car and you "will" pay the cost, there is a good chance that you "will" both fight and resent the entire situation. This is where WIIFM (Whats In It Form Me) come into it. If I want you to purchase the car and be happy then I need to help you see the benefits that you will receive from such a purchase, for only when you can see those will you be truly happy with what is now yours ( a new car). Others can help you see those benefits but in this situation, only your husband can make sure that they are real! If a salesman works hard then he not only sells the car but has a happy customer. If on the other hand he is lazy and just "demands" the customer purchase or else, he usually doesn't stay in business to long regardless of how loyal his customers are.
A husband can either be like a King and demand much or be like a caring loving shepherd that would surrender his life for his sheep. When it come to the possible arrogance of a king, it didn't work out to well in France or indeed in Russia or for that matter in what was once a little isolated place that is now know as the USA. However when it comes to the Shepherd, how many of us willing follow our Shepherd (Christ) where ever he leads us? One is a much better role model than the other, would you not agree?
When it comes to accepting the rightness and the morality of Plural marriage, you can and will get a lot of help right here. When it come to personal acceptance of plural marriage in your own life, that responsibility lies with your husband, after all its his car yard is it not.
 
I'm not a woman so I'm going out on a limb here, but I think most, if not all, of the women here have come to accept a PM relationship because of the over abundent love they have received at home or if they are single searching for a family expecting that level of love in a future family. The Old Testament version of wife submission has been replaced with the New Testament version of love. Accepting PM in a non loving home is going to be really really hard.
 
Hello Autumn and welcome to BF. Also congratulations on your twins! We have twins, and they will be 37 this year!

I'm sorry for your heart break. I do think you and your husband need to sit and really talk about this. I love my husband so much, even if I didn't agree with PM, I would still try my best to follow him. It is a very hard life style to wrap your mind around, but when I met my first plural family, I was hooked. I wanted the "family". The genuineness, the love and the life commitment.

And that is what it takes to survive. PM, if done correctly, serves God to a higher purpose than any other possible thing a family could do. It's a hard road, because every single day, your faith is being built, your trust is being built and if your husband becomes a Godly husband, and does this correctly, the love he will feel for you will be above all else. It's not an easy road. But I hear and have witnessed several families that live it. Keep reading on this website, join ladies chat on Monday night at 7:30 ask anything to try to learn. We are all here to help you. If you would like me to PM you, let me know and we can privately message.

Blessings...I'm off to chat!
 
Alongside connecting with other ladies - the flip-side of connecting with the women your husband has been pursuing is that they will be hurting also. Life isn't easy for a woman in that situation, and he has likely done things that seriously upset them also - including the fact that he is still devoted to you and so leaves them alone to go home and sleep with you at night. The fact that he's been keeping them a secret. This is a difficult burden to bear - even if it shouldn't be occurring.

In fact, given everything is secret, you may find that these women are the only local ladies you can actually speak openly with about the situation. You may find that having someone to talk to who already knows the situation is beneficial to both you and them. That is, if they're willing to talk of course.
 
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