How to accept plural marriage when you don't want that life

[rockfox]

Welcome and congrats on the twins!

Yes me and my husband are both Christians.

"not my will, but thine, be done."

That was the example your Lord set as He went to His death at the behest of His Father. Each of us is likewise called to set aside our will in order to follow the instructions of our head.

how can I learn to accept PM?

It is what it is; you could just as well ask, "How can I learn to accept the sky is blue?" How you feel or what you would prefer things to be has no bearing on it. What is important is how you react to it.

Purge all resistance, bitterness, fear and will on the matter. Instead embrace it. Look for ways to please your husband through supporting his plans for another wife. Pray for him. Support him. Love him. 'He who finds a wife finds a good thing'; all the more so for a family that has two!

Remember always the command of our Lord: to love one another; whether that be your husband, your children, or a current/future sisterwife.

 

[Patricia C]

@Autumn congratulations on your twins.
I hope you will join us on Mondays for ladies chat.
This forum has been such a blessing to me. Yahweh has moved mountains in my life since being here. I hope you will just open your heart to all the love we have to share. I understand how scary it can be. Trust God to guide you, He won't lead you astray.
You have friends here who are willing to listen and help you along through your journey.
Blessings

 

[Keith Martin]

Slumberfreeze swings, he connects, and it's over the fence!

Autumn, if you are a bible-believing Christian (you might be surprised how many of our members are former baptists who bring their love for the scriptures with them...), then you owe it to yourself to take some time to study with an open mind what God has really said about men and women and marriage. This website offers some great resources, but ultimately most of the real work will be between you, your bible, and the Holy Spirit.

I second this, but I also return to the fundamental unfairness of the situation you're in, Autumn. Another thread here speaks about ultimatums, and this is what your husband has done: he has presented you with an ultimatum, which rarely functions as a loving behavior. In the wake of you not complying with his ultimatum, he went on to (continue to?) whore around with other women, which wasn't part of any agreement between the two of you. I wholeheartedly concur with those who have pointed out that those women are likely hurting as well, as well as with the point made that, in God's eyes, these women are now wives of your husband. This is not your mess, though; it is your husband's, and he's the primary one who will have to take responsibility for it in order to have integrity. I do hope he comes here. Where else would be a better place for him to seek support and, more importantly given the circumstances, guidance than this particular organization? If he's not willing to do that, then I would invite him to privately question the sincerity of his desire to engage in plural marriage according to Biblical principles. So far, if your description has been comprehensive, your husband appears to be in danger of falling into that category of men who use Scripture to camouflage the fact that all they really want is more sex from more women. Believe me, I'm not casting aspersions on any man who wants more sex with more women. It's almost a foregone conclusion that most men were designed by God to want more sex with more women. But just having sex without doing so in the context of taking full responsibility of not only the covering of each woman involved but also any children who result doesn't come close to resembling Biblical polygamy.

I pray for you to have the strength to successfully navigate this set of challenges, and I pray that your husband will require of himself that he become a responsible husband. What emerges from that process may be unrecognizable compared to the way you see life right now, but Father will guide both of your steps if you're both refraining from resisting His will.

 

[Seeklovingfam]

I think it’s wrong that he didn’t mention he wanted a pm before you got married. I think that’s an essential part of pursuing pm. You made a commitment to each other, not to pm. I don’t think it’s healthy for you to go against your own beliefs. Your voice matters.

Hello everyone
I'm new here and have been a "lurker" for at least a year now. Well anyway let me explain. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and have 2 children and I'm currently pregnant with twins. My husband brought the idea of plural marriage to me about a year into our marriage. I was shocked and hurt and of coarse thought it was because i wasn't good enough I decided to research PM and realized it wasn't for me. For many reasons I didn't like it but my religion is a big reason why. I told my husband I wasn't OK with that he was upset but agreed he would not pursue PM.Also In response to me saying no he cheated on me with multiple women and had a long term affair that lasted 10 months. I was hurt and just felt awful my husbands excuse was " Well I still loved you when I was sleeping with other women". My husband has told me he IS going to sleep with other women if I don't let him have another wife and that I need to obey him.
Now I'm not judging anyone in a plural marriage I just personally don't believe in it.
I want to know how do I accept PM when I don't like it at all or want to live that way. When I bring up divorce my husband says "no it's not happening".
I'm sorry this is such a mess but how can I learn to accept PM?

Autumn

od

 

[Keith Martin]

I think it’s wrong that he didn’t mention he wanted a pm before you got married. I think that’s an essential part of pursuing pm. You made a commitment to each other, not to pm. I don’t think it’s healthy for you to go against your own beliefs. Your voice matters.


od

Amen, @Seeklovingfam. Many possibilities lie ahead for @Autumn, and they span a wide continuum. On one end, the path with the potential for the most awesome outcomes might include temporarily taking the lead her husband has abandoned, standing for the preservation of her marriage and family, incrementally showing him the way to return to his original headship and commitment to their relationship, and requiring communication so significantly improved that it includes an expectation that he process everything within him that led him to not only spring his plural marriage desires on her but follow that up with the deeply-disrespectful tactic of cheating on her -- which might or might not also include creating openness to plural marriage somewhere down the road.

There are many people here and elsewhere who can assist with that process.

That isn't the only legitimate path, though, because it's dependent on whether Autumn's husband is willing to shoulder his full responsibility not only for his covenant family but for the behaviors he's exhibited recently. If he's not, Autumn will have to make choices that include not only ensuring that her voice is heard but that allow her to have integrity about how she makes lemonade out of all these lemons.

There is one other issue to address in response to your post. Even though you're correct that one's individual voice matters, that doesn't trump the fact that the Voice that matters above all others is God's voice, which we can hear by reading and studying Scripture. I don't know the extent to which @Autumn and her husband began their relationship committed to hearing the Voice of the Lord on a regular basis (and I don't mean just sitting in church listening to someone read the Bible verse that always comes up on that particular week each year), nor do I know how deeply they have actualized that commitment, but if a marriage was considered to be sealed in the eyes of the Lord with a commitment to jointly seek Him and His Wisdom, then a couple has a certain significant responsibility to respond tangibly to new understandings they uncover in that process. That polygyny was never prohibited in Scripture can be one of a number of very radical insights for a couple to uncover, one that can make one or both persons feel widely-varying emotions, including a sense of having been lied to and betrayed by people in church leadership all one's life. I hear what you're saying about it not being 'healthy' to go against one's beliefs, but what if one's beliefs turned out to be entirely wrong, what if one committed along with one's spouse to deep study of Scripture with the intention of holding each other accountable about the process, and what if what one learned caused one's spouse to recognize that the concept that hir only legitimate, godly option in regard to forming a marriage commitment was doing so with one person, when s/he might have preferred a plural family was just A Big Untruth? Which becomes paramount? Sticking to one's beliefs? Or having the courage to not only recognize truth but align one's life with it?

 

[Well loved wife]

Which becomes paramount? Sticking to one's beliefs? Or having the courage to not only recognize truth but align one's life with it?

This is foundational! Sometimes truth is hard to swallow, aligning takes a lot of work!!!

 

[rejoicinghandmaid]

Welcome @Autumn! Dear heart--you have more courage than a dump truck load of asphalt! For you to still be hanging in there on behalf of your marriage, your children, the man you fell in love with, your vows, in spite of your aching heart--girl, you ROCK! So knowing you've already read so much wisdom in the comments above, knowing you can't miss the heartfelt love we are all sharing with you (our arms are around you and our hearts are with both you and your husband!) in this most difficult of times, may I suggest something very simple. Take a deep breath, breathe, relax your grip of fear, and allow yourself to rest in the bosom of your beloved Saviour who loves you more than any of us, your husband included. Cry until you feel like you've got it all out (that may take several times of doing all the above . Then with confidence that your Lord, the lover of your soul, will NEVER lead you wrong, will NEVER ask you to do somethine alone--He will always be right there with you guiding you, leading you, speaking to your heart, picking you up when you fall down, take that first step to do something positive and courageous for your man and for at least one of the other women now in his life. Then take another step, and then another, and another. In the midst of your steps find a verse or verses you can quote as many times as you need, a song you can sing to the Lord as you begin this new walk and journey. Your God has not left you nor has He hung you out to dry. The enemy--ole slewfoot himself--desires to sift you, your husband, and your home. With God's help, strength, timing, and guidance you move forward--praying with every step. The theme song to Rocky keeps playing in my mind. Pull it up on Google and listen to it--it's got a message of it's own--powerful! Let Yeshua be your shield and you fight! Don't stand down! Seek His face. Don't give one inch more of ground to the enemy. Draw a line in the sand and stand! Snuggle up to Yeshua and stay close with your brothers and sisters on this forum. You've found a family that will stand by you. We will surround your home with prayers. Blessings to you, my dear sister!

 

[PeteR]

@rejoicinghandmaid ... do you give locker room speeches? This- is along with the one you gave at the Retreat recently... Makes people want to rip the doors off and go live victoriously... LOL!!

Love it!!

 

[rejoicinghandmaid]

@rejoicinghandmaid ... do you give locker room speeches? This- is along with the one you gave at the Retreat recently... Makes people want to rip the doors off and go live victoriously... LOL!!

Love it!!

LOL--'fraid not I guess I don't see it the way it comes out at times. I'm just speaking what Yeshua puts in my heart, and I happen to be pretty passionate about most everything I do. (Eccl. 9:10) Sure hope someone will be there to pick me up, dust me off, and cheer me on when I need it. Passion burns--causes thirst. In my own small way, I hope somehow I make others thirsty for my Yeshua's ways and walk.

 

[Keith Martin]

Welcome @Autumn! Dear heart--you have more courage than a dump truck load of asphalt! For you to still be hanging in there on behalf of your marriage, your children, the man you fell in love with, your vows, in spite of your aching heart--girl, you ROCK! So knowing you've already read so much wisdom in the comments above, knowing you can't miss the heartfelt love we are all sharing with you (our arms are around you and our hearts are with both you and your husband!) in this most difficult of times, may I suggest something very simple. Take a deep breath, breathe, relax your grip of fear, and allow yourself to rest in the bosom of your beloved Saviour who loves you more than any of us, your husband included. Cry until you feel like you've got it all out (that may take several times of doing all the above . Then with confidence that your Lord, the lover of your soul, will NEVER lead you wrong, will NEVER ask you to do somethine alone--He will always be right there with you guiding you, leading you, speaking to your heart, picking you up when you fall down, take that first step to do something positive and courageous for your man and for at least one of the other women now in his life. Then take another step, and then another, and another. In the midst of your steps find a verse or verses you can quote as many times as you need, a song you can sing to the Lord as you begin this new walk and journey. Your God has not left you nor has He hung you out to dry. The enemy--ole slewfoot himself--desires to sift you, your husband, and your home. With God's help, strength, timing, and guidance you move forward--praying with every step. The theme song to Rocky keeps playing in my mind. Pull it up on Google and listen to it--it's got a message of it's own--powerful! Let Yeshua be your shield and you fight! Don't stand down! Seek His face. Don't give one inch more of ground to the enemy. Draw a line in the sand and stand! Snuggle up to Yeshua and stay close with your brothers and sisters on this forum. You've found a family that will stand by you. We will surround your home with prayers. Blessings to you, my dear sister!

I totally second @Ancient Paths' sentiments above. She's spot on about your ability, @rejoicinghandmaid, to fire up the troops.

 

[PeteR]

@Keith Martin ... I'm a 'he.' You know me from the retreat.... lol.

 

[Patricia C]

LOL--'fraid not I guess I don't see it the way it comes out at times. I'm just speaking what Yeshua puts in my heart, and I happen to be pretty passionate about most everything I do. (Eccl. 9:10) Sure hope someone will be there to pick me up, dust me off, and cheer me on when I need it. Passion burns--causes thirst. In my own small way, I hope somehow I make others thirsty for my Yeshua's ways and walk.

I know I have been a bit absent from the forum but you are one of my favorite people and if you need someone to pick you up and dust you off. Let me know, I will be there and I will speak love and life into your ear as well.
You are an amazing woman! I always love reading what you have to say

 

[Patricia C]

Welcome @Autumn! Dear heart--you have more courage than a dump truck load of asphalt! For you to still be hanging in there on behalf of your marriage, your children, the man you fell in love with, your vows, in spite of your aching heart--girl, you ROCK! So knowing you've already read so much wisdom in the comments above, knowing you can't miss the heartfelt love we are all sharing with you (our arms are around you and our hearts are with both you and your husband!) in this most difficult of times, may I suggest something very simple. Take a deep breath, breathe, relax your grip of fear, and allow yourself to rest in the bosom of your beloved Saviour who loves you more than any of us, your husband included. Cry until you feel like you've got it all out (that may take several times of doing all the above . Then with confidence that your Lord, the lover of your soul, will NEVER lead you wrong, will NEVER ask you to do somethine alone--He will always be right there with you guiding you, leading you, speaking to your heart, picking you up when you fall down, take that first step to do something positive and courageous for your man and for at least one of the other women now in his life. Then take another step, and then another, and another. In the midst of your steps find a verse or verses you can quote as many times as you need, a song you can sing to the Lord as you begin this new walk and journey. Your God has not left you nor has He hung you out to dry. The enemy--ole slewfoot himself--desires to sift you, your husband, and your home. With God's help, strength, timing, and guidance you move forward--praying with every step. The theme song to Rocky keeps playing in my mind. Pull it up on Google and listen to it--it's got a message of it's own--powerful! Let Yeshua be your shield and you fight! Don't stand down! Seek His face. Don't give one inch more of ground to the enemy. Draw a line in the sand and stand! Snuggle up to Yeshua and stay close with your brothers and sisters on this forum. You've found a family that will stand by you. We will surround your home with prayers. Blessings to you, my dear sister!

I wish there was a live button :bible: this is the best I can find

 

[southernphotini]

I just wanted to say I found the responses on this old post very helpful and encouraging.

 

[paterfamilias]

Hello everyone
I'm new here and have been a "lurker" for at least a year now. Well anyway let me explain. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and have 2 children and I'm currently pregnant with twins. My husband brought the idea of plural marriage to me about a year into our marriage. I was shocked and hurt and of coarse thought it was because i wasn't good enough I decided to research PM and realized it wasn't for me. For many reasons I didn't like it but my religion is a big reason why. I told my husband I wasn't OK with that he was upset but agreed he would not pursue PM.Also In response to me saying no he cheated on me with multiple women and had a long term affair that lasted 10 months. I was hurt and just felt awful my husbands excuse was " Well I still loved you when I was sleeping with other women". My husband has told me he IS going to sleep with other women if I don't let him have another wife and that I need to obey him.
Now I'm not judging anyone in a plural marriage I just personally don't believe in it.
I want to know how do I accept PM when I don't like it at all or want to live that way. When I bring up divorce my husband says "no it's not happening".
I'm sorry this is such a mess but how can I learn to accept PM?

Autumn

Sorry to hear that you have been having a difficult time.

I am curious about what you mean by "live that way". What you visualize when you imagine day to day life that is off-putting about polygamy?

Welcome to the site and we hope you find what you need here.


*edit* lol, I am a dufus. Did not not notice that this was an older post.
Yep...helpless and hapless before my coffee

 

[Joleneakamama]

Sorry to hear that you have been having a difficult time.

I am curious about what you mean by "live that way". What you visualize when you imagine day to day life that is off-putting about polygamy?

Welcome to the site and we hope you find what you need here.

Old thread Noble Quest.

Resurrected because the comments were good.

 

[paterfamilias]

Old thread Noble Quest.

Resurrected because the comments were good.

Yep. I realized that I head and edited it. Doubling up on the coffee ration