This year has been a STRUGGLE! (but I can now say worth it..)
Late last year, I happened to stumble across my husband’s research into polygyny. At that time it was just research.. but by the beginning of this year, it became more than that. It became a calling. With his new understanding and with his desire to truly be the husband and leader God has called him to be, our lives began to change. He was stepping up and leading in a way I have never seen. I began to resent the change in my heart. I was angry that this love and change did not occur earlier in our marriage. For the first 3-4 months of this year.. ok maybe 5 months, I struggled every day with my feelings and tears.
I went through all of the “First Wife Syndrome” emotions. I felt inadequate (am I not enough?), I felt undesired (how could be love someone else?), I felt betrayed (how could he want to marry someone else), I felt lost (who am I?), I felt hopeless (my dreams of the future we gone), I felt old (yes, I am only 28), I felt broken (why would he want this) and I just felt fearful (who will be joining our family?).
For the first 4ish months of this year, I felt a darkness in my heart like I have never felt before. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed. I wanted to hide and hope that this calling would pass. I could not see how in the world he could love two woman, and love us well. I could not fathom love because I felt so unlovable. I felt that God was unfair.. I was angry at God for revealing these things to my dear husband. I have never experienced this sense of “abandonment” (or so I thought) from God before. I had to wrestle through realizing God is NOT FAIR.. BUT HE IS GOOD. He has not called men and women to be equal. That was not the design.
I began to read a book called “I Am Not Good Enough.. and other lies women tell themselves” by Sharon Jaynes.. and let me tell you, my life changed. I could feel the darkness from the lies of satan that had surrounded me falling off of my shoulders. I could feel my darkened heart be lifted and light returning to my soul. I could clearly see the darts that satan continually used to try and destroy my life and my marriage. He was trying to keep me so consumed in my pain and hurt that I wanted to just disappear.
God has placed a wonderful, loving, caring, and compassionate man in my life. He has walked through those dark times in my faith with me and lifted me up in prayer when I wanted to run from God. He has loved me though the times when I have felt unlovable. (I even teased him asking, “Don’t I have more than enough emotions? Why would you want another wife?”) He has walked through my ocean of tears and held me close when I wanted to push him way. If it was not for the security in his love and the genuine changes in his heart, I would be terrified.
God has brought me through the fire. He is boiling out many areas in my heart that I never knew existed. He is refining me and bringing me to a place of change like I have never experienced. This is a painful but beautiful process. I am not sure what God has in store for us, but at this point, I would not want to take back the growth that my husband and I have both done.
When satan tries to tell me. “You are not good enough,” I just respond, nope I am not, but I serve a God that is. It is by His grace that I am saved. It is by His love that I am free. It is by His power that I can live a life that is pleasing to Him. It is ONLY by His grace that I will be able to set aside my worldly desires and my need to control.. By His power I can submit and allow my husband to lead our family in the way God is calling him to.
My husband knows that there will be many more tears to come, many more times of a broken heart, many more waves of emotions, and many more times I will learn all over again how to submit. But this is a process and I am willing to walk and work through it. This is our journey so far.. and it has only JUST STARTED.
Late last year, I happened to stumble across my husband’s research into polygyny. At that time it was just research.. but by the beginning of this year, it became more than that. It became a calling. With his new understanding and with his desire to truly be the husband and leader God has called him to be, our lives began to change. He was stepping up and leading in a way I have never seen. I began to resent the change in my heart. I was angry that this love and change did not occur earlier in our marriage. For the first 3-4 months of this year.. ok maybe 5 months, I struggled every day with my feelings and tears.
I went through all of the “First Wife Syndrome” emotions. I felt inadequate (am I not enough?), I felt undesired (how could be love someone else?), I felt betrayed (how could he want to marry someone else), I felt lost (who am I?), I felt hopeless (my dreams of the future we gone), I felt old (yes, I am only 28), I felt broken (why would he want this) and I just felt fearful (who will be joining our family?).
For the first 4ish months of this year, I felt a darkness in my heart like I have never felt before. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed. I wanted to hide and hope that this calling would pass. I could not see how in the world he could love two woman, and love us well. I could not fathom love because I felt so unlovable. I felt that God was unfair.. I was angry at God for revealing these things to my dear husband. I have never experienced this sense of “abandonment” (or so I thought) from God before. I had to wrestle through realizing God is NOT FAIR.. BUT HE IS GOOD. He has not called men and women to be equal. That was not the design.
I began to read a book called “I Am Not Good Enough.. and other lies women tell themselves” by Sharon Jaynes.. and let me tell you, my life changed. I could feel the darkness from the lies of satan that had surrounded me falling off of my shoulders. I could feel my darkened heart be lifted and light returning to my soul. I could clearly see the darts that satan continually used to try and destroy my life and my marriage. He was trying to keep me so consumed in my pain and hurt that I wanted to just disappear.
God has placed a wonderful, loving, caring, and compassionate man in my life. He has walked through those dark times in my faith with me and lifted me up in prayer when I wanted to run from God. He has loved me though the times when I have felt unlovable. (I even teased him asking, “Don’t I have more than enough emotions? Why would you want another wife?”) He has walked through my ocean of tears and held me close when I wanted to push him way. If it was not for the security in his love and the genuine changes in his heart, I would be terrified.
God has brought me through the fire. He is boiling out many areas in my heart that I never knew existed. He is refining me and bringing me to a place of change like I have never experienced. This is a painful but beautiful process. I am not sure what God has in store for us, but at this point, I would not want to take back the growth that my husband and I have both done.
When satan tries to tell me. “You are not good enough,” I just respond, nope I am not, but I serve a God that is. It is by His grace that I am saved. It is by His love that I am free. It is by His power that I can live a life that is pleasing to Him. It is ONLY by His grace that I will be able to set aside my worldly desires and my need to control.. By His power I can submit and allow my husband to lead our family in the way God is calling him to.
My husband knows that there will be many more tears to come, many more times of a broken heart, many more waves of emotions, and many more times I will learn all over again how to submit. But this is a process and I am willing to walk and work through it. This is our journey so far.. and it has only JUST STARTED.
