I CAN do this!

[Sonshine]

So, DH recently started a courtship. It's the first time ever. And, sometimes I handle it GREAT and sometimes...

So, mentally, I know that he still loves me and that I shouldn't compare our relationships with him.

I gotta say, ladies, this is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. There are moments when I'm nothing but happy for them that they get to go out together and enjoy each other's time away from me and the kids.

But, every. single. time. I deal with not knowing what to say or do when they come home (she doesn't live here but she's here every day). It's awkward, I'm awkward, and I just don't know what to say.

I'm trying SOOOOO hard to not respond out of feelings but sometimes my flesh gets the better of me (I let it, of course).

My gut response is to pull away. I don't want them to come home from a date and then he tries to give me a hug or show me affection. I've thought long and hard about whether that's some form of punishment for him or not and it's really not. I just don't want, what my emotions are telling me is, a pity hug. I really do just get this "icky" feeling when he goes to touch me.

Knowing how I feel about them just going out on dates together, let's just say I feel sick to my stomach thinking about them sharing a marriage bed.

No one's rushing this. I have time. Everyone has time. We're all making sure that this is what's going to fit for all of us.

There's also the fact that, you know, we've been married thirteen years, and it's just not exciting for him anymore with me. And I know it is with her. I know this is normal, but, how do I deal with that? What do I possibly have that makes our relationship special now?

Should I get my feelings hurt when he responds differently to me? I get short succinct replies, where she gets more of an effort. More loving kindness. He says he was the same with me when we were dating...

My husband has never treated me "unfairly"... I know it's not about fairness. But, still, he always tells me to ask for what I need. Not worry about what she's receiving.
Should I have to fight to get the affection from him that she gets at this point? I mean, technically, I am still his only wife at this point.

Can you tell that I'm all over the place?

There are moments when I, literally, just want to go into a corner and shake my fist at God, cry, and sleep for days. And there are moments where I love them both so much and want for her, what I have--or what I used to have before we became an "old married couple".

I love them both. But, my husband has been my world for the past thirteen+ years. It's been mutual...Until now. I'm still over here, loving him more than I can put words to and I feel as if he's slipped away from me. I'm an island.

This has definitely laid bare for me how many issues, in myself, that I have to work on. How God is, literally, the only one I can count on right now. Maybe that's what He wanted with all of this.

And now that I just laid that all out there...

I'm hoping I can make it to the chat tonight but it's at 4;30 here and I have a doctor's appointment.

 

[Lili]

Does it help to know she probably has plenty of insecurity about you and your relationship too?

I am the third and newest wife in my family, so I can't relate to your experience exactly. But I can tell you that each position has its unique challenges. For example, I may be the shiny new wife compared to my sister wives, but they have a history from which I'm excluded. They have the advantage of knowing our husband in ways I'm just beginning to discover. They have influence over the family that I haven't earned. It might help you to remember that we're all inclined to struggle in plural marriage, even the people you think are in a good position.

I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does.

 

[FollowingHim2]

But, every. single. time. I deal with not knowing what to say or do when they come
home (she doesn't live here but she's here every day). It's awkward, I'm awkward, and I just don't know what to say.

I overthink things sometimes....uh, a lot, and I've honestly thought that one through, how weird it'd be. Like walking in on them kissing! I think maybe it's just something that you need to get used to, and you will in time.
Also, have you thought about going out on a 'date' with her? It would be great for you guys bonding, and then you can come home to hubby who's been looking after the kids. Or, how about a date with all 3 of you? Changing up dates occasionally could help with the awkwardness of it all.

No one's rushing this. I have time. Everyone has time. We're all making sure that this is what's going to fit for all of us.

Good. If I was going to say anything at all, it would be this. It has to be slow, because your feelings, her feelings, and hubby's wisdom all need time to be dealt with and develop.
And here's what I've figured out is THE most important thing about PM. You have to, ALL of you, be in a good relationship with YHWH. He needs to be your guidance, He needs to be your rock, and He needs to be in control. Being in a good relationship with Him, is going to help your feelings regarding what's going on. And yes, you're still going to react emotionally at times, because you're human and your normal. This is life and this is being a woman, lol. But YHWH can help you, and He will.

What do I possibly have that makes our relationship special now?

Lili was right, what you have is history. You know him inside out. You will have lots of little jokes and memories that she just won't be a part of. You can't create that, it's something that she might catch up with over time, but right now you've got a 13 year jump on her. And remember that he married you for a reason, and has loved you for 13 years through all the ups and downs for a reason. None of that has changed. His relationship with her has not changed his relationship or his feelings for you. She may be exciting right now, because it's new, but it's you he comes home to every night, it's you that he sleeps with, it's you that he has made a commitment to being with for the rest of your lives.

But, still, he always tells me to ask for what I need.

Please do that. Remember to keep communicating. Don't think it's too awkward or weird and clam up. Keep being open and honest with him.

Should I get my feelings hurt when he responds differently to me? I get short succinct replies, where she gets more of an effort. More loving kindness. He says he was the same with me when we were dating...

That's because you've been married for 13 years and you understand him, where as he has to spell it out for her . Samuel and I have been married 11 years, and we often communicate just with looks ha ha, who needs to talk? .

I hope you make it to the chat. I'll be on as much as I can, it's going to be tricky for me today. You're always welcome to send me a PM if we miss each other though.

Keep on keeping on. I know you feel like you're not doing great, but you really are! You CAN do this!

 

[Sonshine]

Thank you all for your help. I mean it. Even if I don't reply very quickly, know that your words of encouragement mean more than I can say.

We're not able to talk to anyone else in our lives about this. For a few reasons. So, I'm feeling more lonely than I EVER have before.

It DOES help to know that I'm not the only one going through this or that HAS gone through this.

Does it help to know she probably has plenty of insecurity about you and your relationship too?

Lili, I'm just not sure that that's true. I'll take your word for it, though. And it DOES help.

I am the third and newest wife in my family, so I can't relate to your experience exactly. But I can tell you that each position has its unique challenges. For example, I may be the shiny new wife compared to my sister wives, but they have a history from which I'm excluded. They have the advantage of knowing our husband in ways I'm just beginning to discover. They have influence over the family that I haven't earned. It might help you to remember that we're all inclined to struggle in plural marriage, even the people you think are in a good position.

My husband and I often know what the other is thinking without saying a word. So, I actually know what you mean here. I just don't know if that means anything when compared to the excitement of someone so young and new. I'm probably overthinking this, yes? Thank you, Lili!

I overthink things sometimes....uh, a lot, and I've honestly thought that one through, how weird it'd be. Like walking in on them kissing! I think maybe it's just something that you need to get used to, and you will in time.
Also, have you thought about going out on a 'date' with her? It would be great for you guys bonding, and then you can come home to hubby who's been looking after the kids. Or, how about a date with all 3 of you? Changing up dates occasionally could help with the awkwardness of it all.

Yes, Sarah!! We have done this!! We actually all decided that dates (me/him, him/her, her/I) should be something that we conscientiously make time for. And as for the walking in on them kissing or something--yeah, at THIS point, I may fall apart seeing that.

And here's what I've figured out is THE most important thing about PM. You have to, ALL of you, be in a good relationship with YHWH. He needs to be your guidance, He needs to be your rock, and He needs to be in control. Being in a good relationship with Him, is going to help your feelings regarding what's going on. And yes, you're still going to react emotionally at times, because you're human and your normal. This is life and this is being a woman, lol. But YHWH can help you, and He will.

This. So much, this. I am currently working on it. It's been a rough year.

Thanks, again, y'all. I appreciate the time you took to get back to me.

 

[FollowingHim2]

We're not able to talk to anyone else in our lives about this. For a few reasons. So, I'm feeling more lonely than I EVER have before.

Same here. There is no one here that I can talk to about this that really understands. Certainly no Christians who believe in PM. And that's why I've gotten so involved in BF, as much as I can without attending a retreat and whilst being on the other side of the world anyway.

Yes, Sarah!! We have done this!! We actually all decided that dates (me/him, him/her, her/I) should be something that we conscientiously make time for.

Great! Is it helping? You know, sometimes I want a SW so that I can go out on a date with hubby, and it's not so difficult to find someone to look after 6 kids while we're gone. So count your blessings that you have that, it's definitely got to be a plus!

It's been a rough year.

The last year was rough, the coming year doesn't have to be. Take things slow, take them one day at a time. I know that you are strong, wise, and humble enough to do this.

 

[Lili]

Actually, you'd be surprised.
I'll be totally honest: I wasn't too jealous or insecure in the beginning of my relationship. While we were courting, my husband's attention was primarily focused on me whenever I was around. I was the girlfriend, and I wasn't always around.
After marriage, I learned quickly that new and young is exciting in limited ways. Jealousy hit me hard.

At the end of the day, I think we women need to remember that each of us occupies a special place in our husband's heart. There is only one Lili, as there is only one 1st Wife and one 2nd Wife. There is only one You.

 

[Sonshine]

Same here. There is no one here that I can talk to about this that really understands. Certainly no Christians who believe in PM. And that's why I've gotten so involved in BF, as much as I can without attending a retreat and whilst being on the other side of the world anyway.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to attend a retreat. But, it's something that I'm going to have to talk to husband about. He's a VERY private individual. It's why I have to be so cryptic on here sometimes. But, the idea of being able to go to the women's retreat...I'm praying next year.

Is it helping?

Yes, actually. I just have to sometimes overcome my aversion to ASKING for a date.

The last year was rough, the coming year doesn't have to be. Take things slow, take them one day at a time. I know that you are strong, wise, and humble enough to do this.

Thank you SO much!

After marriage, I learned quickly that new and young is exciting in limited ways. Jealousy hit me hard.

At the end of the day, I think we women need to remember that each of us occupies a special place in our husband's heart. There is only one Lili, as there is only one 1st Wife and one 2nd Wife. There is only one You.

Oh, Lili, I didn't even THINK about that! It's true, once someone gets thrown into the day-to-day around here, I can see how that could change things.

Thank you, Lili!!

 

[Peanuts]

Oh my goodness I so love your honesty!!!!! I know reading your post has helped me feel better about myself! I feel so angry, confused, jealouse and more because this new situation is just mind blowing! I absolutely love my husband, but after 18 years this pops up! So right away my defenses go up. I love Sarah's positive answers because they help! but they are like a healthy slap in the face hehe, I wish I could be where you guys are at,but I am totally not! I like making my husband happy, but my mind goes to , that is what i am for right? now the person my husband has pointed out to me is 29, that alone blew me away! She has no children, so right away I pictured there happiness if they had children together, and she has a lot of similar qualities that my husband has, so they are very alike =( Lets just say I am not liking the feeling of being the 'old happiness' and I feel like I am seeing my not so good qualities popping out. The saddest part of all this is that she is my best friend, more she is like my sister, so our relationship is not going well! I think she is feeling bothered by the thought of me sharing my husband with her, because she is not one who plays well with others. I love her to death but I am affraid of how this affects all 3 of us. well I just wanted to say thank you for being real! I enjoy reading your post!

 

[woman]

I have not read every post just your opening post but still want to comment. I am not married at this moment. I am a widow. My husband died, and i still love him. But i slso know i can love someone else too. That would not make my love for my fist husband any different. And yes, a new husband will not be the same. He will be different, and maybe better at some things, and less at other things. But i will love him completely (other wise i would not marry), and i would never look down upon my first husband, never disrespect him. And i think, for a man who has two (or more) wives, it will be the same. He will love you both equally. And he is right when he says you should tell him what you need! Focus on your marriage with him. Love and God bless!