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i need advise

B

bobalone

New Member
My wife of 38 year died from cancer in September. I have been through the grief process and have accepted the reality of the situation. I'm not sure when i should start dateing again. frankly I have met a lot of women that seem ready to go out. Is there a period of time that is acceptable to most people or should it matter? I have a lot of things to share with the right women as my wives. First of all if I am going to go poly how do I meet like minded women. I don't want to new children,if they have kids fine with me.
Where are these retreats and are they designed to meet of are they for existing families?
 
Welcome back, Bob. We're so sorry for your loss, but glad you didn't curl up and croak as well.

To answer your questions (a bit):

Retreats are designed for fellowship. Folks who show up run the gambit from those of us who've been involved in this movement for well over 10 years, to those who just signed up, don't know nuttin', are scared to death we'll all turn out to be weirdos, but our curious. So far as I know, a good time tends to be had by all, and the fearful new tend to go away both reassured and enthused! SOMEtimes, "meeting" occurs. But I wouldn't attend with that as prime motivation and expectation. Contact the site administration for details on those coming up soon.

How long you gotta wait? Depends strictly on yourself. If your wife had cancer for some time, you knew this was coming, the two of you had plenty of time to grieve together and make peace with it, and you feel your grieving is done, go for it, and don't be ashamed to explain to an interested lady who asks. If she's worth pursuing, she'll understand. If she's more interested in conventions as defined by numbers than in relationship with YOU, she's not likely to embrace your family structure notions anyway.

Where ya gonna find 'em? The perennial puzzle. Main advice to offer is make a lot of friends, and when you find one or more you're interested in, make them REALLY GOOD friends before taking it too much further. Having said that, as the friendship is developing, be very, very open about your beliefs and long-term aims. Nothing ANYBODY hates worse than to be courted into friendship and caring under false pretenses!

Good luck, Bob,
Cecil
 
How long to wait. Well the short answer is that it depends.

The shrink answer is 1 year for every 5 you were married, 38 years married that is 7 and 1/2 years. This is usually predicated on a quick and sudden death. IF my wife died today that would be 5 years for me, which I think is a little long. Of course my wife thinks that if she dies I will be married within one year. I am still not sure how to operate that washing machine. :lol:

As the prior poster correctly mentioned, you most likely started the greiving process while your wife was alive. I also have no idea how your relationship was with your wife, cancer and the waiting to die is a long hard process.

I am glad to see that you are wanting to do something. However, I would greatly advise you not to enter into a serious relationship in anything under a year. Personally I would suggest at least two years. You are talking weeks since your wife died, not even months.

Go out. meet people. talk. get to know. But I would really suggest at least one year. Get the grieving over with.

The hardest part of the grieving process has not started yet. The most difficult time comes around 6 months to a year.

Sorry I had to many counseling classes and counseled as a pastor for to long. My answer is based on love and counseling experience.
 
macike said:
How long to wait. Well the short answer is that it depends.


I am glad to see that you are wanting to do something. However, I would greatly advise you not to enter into a serious relationship in anything under a year. Personally I would suggest at least two years. You are talking weeks since your wife died, not even months.

Go out. meet people. talk. get to know. But I would really suggest at least one year. Get the grieving over with.

The hardest part of the grieving process has not started yet. The most difficult time comes around 6 months to a year.

Sorry I had to many counseling classes and counseled as a pastor for to long. My answer is based on love and counseling experience.
Click to expand...
i agree
the biggest thing, IMO, is that you need to allow recovery time in order to protect your future mate. she will be living with the vestiges of your relationship with your wife for a long time. THIS IS NOT A TIME FOR EXPERIMENTATION ABOUT WHAT YOU MIGHT NEED. your next relationship does not need to be the "testimony" for the reason to take it slow.
remember: Act in haste, repent at leisure!

and please believe that i am very sorry for your loss and have no idea what it must be like.
 
I'm sorry to hear about you loss :( I guess my thought would be that in fairness
to yourself and any potential ladyfriend you may look at building a relationship
with the yardstick of readiness would be not time but where you are in
your grieving process. Briefly, when you can talk to a woman:
Without feeling guilty as if you haven't grieved long enough
Without comparing her to your departed wife
Without jumping into any relationship just so you don't have to deal with
your loss alone anymore
Without seeing her as a replacement but as a unique person whom you
will have a new and unique relationship with.

There are probably many more criteria that wiser people than I could
come up with but this would seem to be the minimum to me.
Thanks and glad to see you here, I am new to this board as well.
 
Losing a wife. How much do i feel for you. Remembering women are the only thing in the world that are not created from dirt and that she was yours. And you lost her. I may need your advise of how you dealt with that lose versus your time of mourn. Easily the Bible says till death do you part. So your feelings of when you may pursue another is your call. I pray you become at ease with this decision.
 
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