I'm at a loss

[OhMyStars]

So I haven't ever posted on here before, but have been a silent observer for a while. I now have something I am truly needing some unbiased objectivity on.

I am married, we have been seeking a sisterwife for about 3 years now, and have had ups and downs with our search. Another post, another long story, another time.
Recently he has been communicating with a lady (Potential SisterWife) and things have been goin quite well, until about a week ago. They have had a series of disagreements, I suppose you could say, and now DH (Dear Husband), is now ready to call it quits.
I have tried to be supportive and diplomatic towards both sides, I haven't been privy to everything but i have a very solid knowledge of the cause...and I feel like the whole situation could be repaired if some give and take could be applied. Yet everything I suggest, or try to get him to see from another point of view always gets bounced back to how he's tired of dealing with it and just wants to be done with it. So I say, "then end it, and move on," and he comes back with, "well what do YOU (me) think I should do?" I tell him what i think, how i feel, and he decides to end it, then changes his mind and then again asks me, so i tell him (because at this point hes beating a dead horse...) its his decision, and that i dont care either way, as long as he's happy, but thats not the answer he wants either...And around we go again....and then he gets upset at me, and I then don't know what to say! I really just have no words! I feel I have exhausted every option I have, and I'm at my wits end! I DON'T feel it's my place to be 'in the middle' so to speak, but I feel that's where I've landed, yet again! And since I'm supposed to be the 'sister', I really don't feel comfortable with being the one to tell her it's over, I feel it's HIS responsibility since HE'S the one in the 'relationship'. Maybe I'm wrong....maybe I SHOULD be more involved, but on the other hand I have reasons for not. I don't know what to say, do, think, or even feel at this point...I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. So if anyone has experienced something like this, or has any words of wisdom, I would greatly appreciate it!
Thank you.

 

[Slumberfreeze]

Hello, ma'am, nice to meet you.

Very difficult spot! I certainly agree that the details are best left to your husband. As the head, the buck stops with him.

However, it is also true that your job description as a wife comes with the clause "submissive in all things", which means that if he orders you to do something that might be more properly his job or responsibility, it will still be your job to submit to him and just do as he says. If he wants you to give your opinion ad nauseum, then give it. If he wants you to call her and end it with her, then do so.

As a man under authority, I am usually in the position of having to follow orders that make... a form of sense that I don't readily process, for people that don't appreciate being corrected. I have adopted the mindset "The boss gets what the boss wants." and detached my opinion from my action. If they happen to ask my opinion, I'll give it, but won't trouble myself to be upset when they ignore my advice. It's their dime, after all.

It might help to adopt that mindset.

 

[FollowingHim]

If he tells you to do something stupid, feel free to say "this is a really stupid idea, I think you should do X, this will end badly. I'll do it if you insist but the results are entirely your responsibility".

But this really is none of your business. His relationship with her is between the two of them. Nothing to do with you. You can advise but should never be in the middle. When he was single and dating, did he ask his mother or his sister to call things off with a girlfriend? I doubt it. And asking you to do that would be equally ludicrous.

You shouldn't even be feeling you have to seek advice here. He or she should be the ones asking for advice. It is their relationship.

I don't want to be too harsh on him though. Relationships are really difficult, and you do come to these points sometimes, yet can recover from them even stronger. Though this could well be the point to end it also. It sounds like he's having a really rough time, and her too. I would encourage them to individually seek advice from others, for instance on this forum or personally with anyone here they may happen to actually know in person.

If he knows nobody, but would like to discuss it privately, he can feel free to private message me or any other man he'd like to talk to, share a phone number and have a discussion.

 

[steve]

OMS, yours is a very short post for the complexity of what you guys are going through but I will throw my 2 cents in incase it helps.

I agree with Samuel that you need to not be the referee here.
Is it your nurturing nature that is drawing you into the middle of their relationship in order to help them fix it?
If so, run do not walk, to the sidelines. I cannot say that strong enough.
Another possibility is that your husband is realizing that going deeper into this relationship is going to be a life changer for all concerned and is having second thoughts about moving forward. Be supportive of him without pulling for or against the relationship. If his perception is that you helped talk him into or out of anything, you could bare the brunt of his regret in the near, or even distant future.

But be his encourager.
Encourage him to foremost seek YHWH and His guidance.
Secondly to seek guidance from others. He is not alone in what he is attempting, even though it is uncommon. Some of us have actual first-hand knowledge, experience that we would have given our eye teeth for access to when we were stumbling blindly. (Ok, slightly less blindly than we presently are.)


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[OhMyStars]

Thank you for your comments on this. I have passed on the offer of speaking with someone who is experienced in PM, but he tends to have a ' I am man, hear me roar,' mindset, and doesn't want to ask for 'directions'...to put it politely. He is a good guy, just very stubborn.
I'm going to keep trying to get him to consider talking to others, as we have no one close to us who is poly, nor do we even know any poly families anywhere. I covet your prayers.
God Bless
OMS

 

[FollowingHim]

No problem with that mindset, you have to be that stubborn to be willing to even consider plural marriage in our culture. Most of the men here are stubborn loners. Sounds like he'll fit in well!

Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.

Even King David was a stubborn loner - yet even he had advisors who are mentioned in various places in scripture. The bigger the task a stubborn man sets himself, the more he can benefit from considering the opinions and past experience (both successes and failures) of other stubborn men, then making his own firm manly decision about what to do - while knowing he has based that decision on as much information as possible.

 

[julieb]

Hi OhMyStars, welcome. Sorry I'm late to this thread. I wasn't sure had anything additional to say but I keep thinking of this verse when I think of your post. It is Isaiah 30:15. I would encourage you to check out several translations. I am posting the NIV translation.

"The Lord, the Sovereign and Holy One of Israel, says;
in repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it."

Now, this was said to Judah, an obstinate nation. I am not saying that you are "having none of it" but that I needed to remind you of the things that you can do to have salvation and strength for this situation. I will leave it up to the Lord to show you what things you need to walk in more at this time.

My prayers are with you as you all figure out what YHWH is trying to teach at this time.

With hope for the future....