I'm really struggling

[HisSteadfastLove]

Before coming to Christ, I've had a very rough childhood filled with lots of trials and traumas. My parents divorced at an early age, my brother died next to me in a major car accident at the age of 8. I was 10 at the time. After this, my dad became addicted to opioids, my mom did cocaine and suffers from schizophrenia, having severe mental breaks till this day. These things, just to name a few.

I became a hardhearted atheist and backbiter who hated God and mocked the faith. Until I met my husband, who witnessed to me the Gospel and saving Grace of Christ, of which I was ignorant to. Eventually I came to faith, God answering me in prayer and healing my heart of so much of the pain I felt from my past. The biggest being the pain over the death of my brother, which He healed instantly - miraculously. I haven't cried over my little bro since.

My husband is a huge part of my testimony. I love this man beyond all of these limited human words. I have no doubt in my heart and mind God brought us together. However, the past few months he's come to the conclusions many of you here have come to about polygamous marriage within the bible. And it has been incredibly painful for me, to say the least.

I know my post may echo others here in that I feel incredibly heartbroken, betrayed, like I'm not good enough, etc. And in all of this he tells me he's not interested in seeking another wife, yet I know his desire is there for it and that alone kills me inside.

To picture him with another woman, to have him share a bed with another woman, to choose between either me or her or 3 or 4 or 5 (because really, where does it stop?), to kiss her, hold her, watch her carry his children as I have, and see him look at her with the same looks that he's only ever given me, is too hard of a thought for me to bare. It makes me feel mentally, physically and emotionally ill. I've even had suicidal and other dark thoughts. We've fought over this several times now. And we've never had fights before, making this feel unnecessarily divisive in our marriage, home and walk with God.

This truly feels like a big stumbling block for me. I've questioned God and His goodness. I've been there before and don't want to ever be there again, knowing what all Christ has done for me. But I have a hard time feeling like if I don't want to ever be in a polygamous marriage, that would makes me a disobedient wife, when in every other way I am loyal, faithful and try my best to be subject to my husband as the scriptures say. I would never leave my husband, but would only consider it if another woman walked through our door. That would literally have to be it. Because this feels like it goes against my entire conscience. I'm not strong enough for this, nor do I want any part of it.

 

[WifeOfHisYouth]

I know my post may echo others here in that I feel incredibly heartbroken, betrayed, like I'm not good enough, etc.

This truly feels like a big stumbling block for me.

I'm not strong enough for this, nor do I want any part of it.

Yes, I understand. I have been there and felt the same. You don’t have to figure it all out all at once. It takes time. It take conversations with your husband and other ladies that have walked this path before you... and lots of prayer. It’s a journey.

There are many of us that have said the exact words you are saying; we’ve cried those same tears. But just know, you aren’t alone. There is sweet support from wonderful ladies here on the forum. I hope you find new friendships and some encouragement

Welcome, by the way.

 

[FollowingHim2]

If you haven't yet, it would help to read the blog of WifeOfHisYouth. Lots of good stuff in there! https://whenwebecamethree.wixsite.com/home/post/pealing-the-onion-intro
I want to point out a couple of things that you've said here.

And in all of this he tells me he's not interested in seeking another wife,

This is important. If he said this, he means this. This is the truth. Trust him.

yet I know his desire is there for it and that alone kills me inside.

To picture him with another woman, to have him share a bed with another woman, to choose between either me or her or 3 or 4 or 5 (because really, where does it stop?), to kiss her, hold her, watch her carry his children as I have, and see him look at her with the same looks that he's only ever given me, is too hard of a thought for me to bare. It makes me feel mentally, physically and emotionally ill. I've even had suicidal and other dark thoughts.

It is normal to think about these things, to worry about them, and to need time to deal with them. It is not normal to dwell on them. From what you've written, I get the feeling that is what you're doing. I may be wrong. Your husband has said he is not interesting in looking for another wife, so while getting your head around polygyny is something to be working on, you do not need to be worrying about this so much.

I had a revelation recently. My worst fear is of something happening to one of my family. Finding my husband or children dead. And I would find that I would have more and more worries about this. If my husband was late home I would assume he'd crashed the car and died, and while I would keep going like he would be home in 5 mins and try to distract myself, I would find myself in tears planning his funeral. And then he would come home in 5 mins and I'd have to smile and act like nothing happened because he doesn't need to know I was freaking out that he was 15 mins late.
And the more this happened, the more I realised that I was dwelling on something that not only had not happened, but that might never happen. I often worry about things, and it's me going over things in my mind to be prepared. We're going camping and so I need to think about all the things we need to pack and food I need to prep and the clothes I need to wash etc. That's preparation. I do not need to be prepared for my husband dying in a car crash that will probably never happen. I do not need to think about it. I do not need to dwell on it. It only causes me pain for no reason, and I firmly believe that those thoughts are from the enemy. I now work to cast them out when I get them as they're irrelevant.

So don't worry about something that likely is not going to happen, at least for the time being. Don't let those thoughts hold you captive. Don't be a slave to them. Don't let them control you or your relationship with your husband.

There are two very important things to do with these thoughts and feelings. First, give them up to God. Tell Him, scream it to Him. He knows. He loves you and He knows.
Secondly, tell your husband. Communicate where you're at, how you're feeling, how you're working through things. Ask him questions, accept his hugs, don't shut yourself off to him.

Most of the women on this forum have been where you are at now. You are not alone.

 

[HisSteadfastLove]

If you haven't yet, it would help to read the blog of WifeOfHisYouth. Lots of good stuff in there! https://whenwebecamethree.wixsite.com/home/post/pealing-the-onion-intro
I want to point out a couple of things that you've said here.

This is important. If he said this, he means this. This is the truth. Trust him.

It is normal to think about these things, to worry about them, and to need time to deal with them. It is not normal to dwell on them. From what you've written, I get the feeling that is what you're doing. I may be wrong. Your husband has said he is not interesting in looking for another wife, so while getting your head around polygyny is something to be working on, you do not need to be worrying about this so much.

I had a revelation recently. My worst fear is of something happening to one of my family. Finding my husband or children dead. And I would find that I would have more and more worries about this. If my husband was late home I would assume he'd crashed the car and died, and while I would keep going like he would be home in 5 mins and try to distract myself, I would find myself in tears planning his funeral. And then he would come home in 5 mins and I'd have to smile and act like nothing happened because he doesn't need to know I was freaking out that he was 15 mins late.
And the more this happened, the more I realised that I was dwelling on something that not only had not happened, but that might never happen. I often worry about things, and it's me going over things in my mind to be prepared. We're going camping and so I need to think about all the things we need to pack and food I need to prep and the clothes I need to wash etc. That's preparation. I do not need to be prepared for my husband dying in a car crash that will probably never happen. I do not need to think about it. I do not need to dwell on it. It only causes me pain for no reason, and I firmly believe that those thoughts are from the enemy. I now work to cast them out when I get them as they're irrelevant.

So don't worry about something that likely is not going to happen, at least for the time being. Don't let those thoughts hold you captive. Don't be a slave to them. Don't let them control you or your relationship with your husband.

There are two very important things to do with these thoughts and feelings. First, give them up to God. Tell Him, scream it to Him. He knows. He loves you and He knows.
Secondly, tell your husband. Communicate where you're at, how you're feeling, how you're working through things. Ask him questions, accept his hugs, don't shut yourself off to him.

Most of the women on this forum have been where you are at now. You are not alone.

Thank you. This has been helpful. While my husband has said he isn't interested in taking another wife, at other times he has said differently, leading to these anxiety and fears. For example, telling me that none of David's wives gave him permisson to take another wife, leaving me feeling like I'd have no say in the matter or that my feelings don't matter. Or when I addressed how taking a concubine is biblially permissible, like taking a 2nd wife is, and if he would take a concubine. He replied with "I could, but I wouldn't". But in America and many other parts of the world, taking a concubine (wife as a slave) is illegal, and not permissible lawfully - this causing me lots of hurt and confusion. These are just two examples I'm posting. My husband is a great man, husband and father and I don't wish to dishonor him in saying this.

But yes, I know I've been dwelling on this. He brings marriage and stuff up a lot though, so when I try to work past it, it feels like it all comes flooding back again. Thank you again. I know I need to go to God more then I have been about this.

 

[FollowingHim2]

leaving me feeling like I'd have no say in the matter

You don't. It's his decision.

or that my feelings don't matter

They absolutely do. This is your husband showing you love.

 

[HisSteadfastLove]

You don't. It's his decision.

They absolutely do. This is your husband showing you love.

And this is exactly where I feel like this is a big stumbling block. Because the truth is, if my husband ever took a 2nd wife, regardless of my feelings, then my feelings really wouldn't matter. That would not be loving of him, because love is sacrificial. And sacrafice isn't a burden solely placed upon the woman, but also the man. More-so greater upon the man, considering what Christ said about a man loving his wife, as Christ loves the church. I'd have to just brunt out all the pain it would cause me? The damage it would inflict upon me? That's kind of the only option I'm finding here.

This isn't a salvation issue, and where I see the doctrine behind this becoming dangerous. I've seen it in the baptist church, where some believe a woman is on her way to damnation if she doesn't wear skirts alone. That she's essentially a transgender if she wears pants. And that is wrong, Christ never says that, or makes that a requirement placed upon the woman. Attire is a cultural thing. Yes, men had multiple wives in the scriptures, but it is never a requirement for marriage, just a form of marriage which God honors same as the monogamous marriage. I see this, so do not look down upon any here or judge those who are in a plural marriage.

I know this seems to be more of a support thread. I'm honestly not really looking for support, as I'm not interested in being one of several wives. I'm looking for answers, and have yet to find answers the conflicts I'm having personally.

 

[MeganC]

I know this seems to be more of a support thread. I'm honestly not really looking for support, as I'm not interested in being one of several wives. I'm looking for answers, and have yet to find answers the conflicts I'm having personally.

I mean no offense or discouragement to you here but I have to ask: If you are set on being monogamous then why are you here on a decidedly pro-polygamy site looking for validation of your monogamous feelings?

I certainly don't think your feelings are wrong or misplaced, not at all. I just find it odd that you would come here to validate monogamy.

 

[primrose]

I know this seems to be more of a support thread. I'm honestly not really looking for support, as I'm not interested in being one of several wives. I'm looking for answers, and have yet to find answers the conflicts I'm having personally.

Feeling heartbroken and betrayed must be devastating for you given how hard you worked at healing earlier traumas. Maybe like right when you felt comfortable, safe, secure …the wind was knocked out of your sails.

To picture him with another woman, to have him share a bed with another woman, to choose between either me or her or 3 or 4 or 5 (because really, where does it stop?), to kiss her, hold her, watch her carry his children as I have, and see him look at her with the same looks that he's only ever given me, is too hard of a thought for me to bare.

Picturing what you described makes sense that it would make you ill. Because right now it’s an imaginary person that you have zero connection to; and given your struggles, it sounds like your mind’s default is to spiral in panic of all the horrible things that could happen. That’s understandable. But thinking about where you were and how far you’ve come, if there was another person hurting today the way you hurt then, and you actually thought she was kind, thoughtful, related to you and she looked out for you, it might be possible for you someday with LOTS of time, to want for her the same you want for yourself. God’s plans are sometimes wildly different than what we originally had in mind or thought we were ready for. And He knows your pain, He’s brought you to a husband who saw your hurt and provided the love and tenderness you needed. It took time for you to be where you are today so any conversations you’re having now will also take time. Go easy on yourself. You don’t have to have answers right now. You can simply be still and bring your worries to God and trust He will open or close the doors in your life.

For what it’s worth, your husband would never look at another the same as you. That spot in his heart is for you only and will never be taken away. Even if another person was in your life, what they have will be different. And the bond between the two of you will also be different. But for now, you and your husband are facing life the two of you and could very well stay that way so enjoy the present, be in this moment as hard as it might be; to not let stumbling blocks erode the love you have for one another.

 

[Joleneakamama]

I'm looking for answers, and have yet to find answers the conflicts I'm having personally.

This may sound far more flippant then I mean it, but my dad was fond of saying that joy is an inside job.

I know that our emotions are very powerful. I deal with them myself. Sometimes I look back after just days and cannot put myself back into the same place of feeling that was so all consuming then....it even feels petty and foreign to me in my not emotionally absorbed state.

You described your husband as a blessing...and even the one God used to bring you salvation. When I first considered the idea of sharing "my" husband, it was because he had asked a long time friend to marry him just weeks before he met me. She said no, but had regrets. I wasn't raised to believe it was wrong and so thought that it was possible God purposed her being his wife too, and allowed the circumstances that made me his wife first because I would be willing to accept her, while she as a first would never have made that possible for me.

From this initial place of empathy we explored the possibility, and she considered the option. She decided that life was not for her, while I got used to the idea....and then extended the empathy to other women that might not find such a man for their own....and might love and appreciate the one I love.

It was a long wait. There was such a woman.
She is a perfect fit in our family, and the kind of friend I always wished for. There is nothing about her, or her being here that I don't like.....and your imagined nightmare... makes us all happy as we wait for the arrival of their first child.

You are in a position of having a good man. My hubby's nieces were always adamant they would NEVER share "Their men" ....but this was assuming they could find one. One is happily married to a good man and they have 6 children....the other got a man with drug and mental health issues, who had children with two other women before her, and commited suicide after having a daughter with her.

What if your choice ends up being pick through the losers....or be a cat lady.....or share a first class man?

What if that is the choice for one of God's other daughters?

How does one apply the golden rule....or the "Inasmuch as ye have done it to the least of these...ye have done it unto me?"

There aren't many women trying to be a wife, mom, and homemaker that couldn't use help and support. Being the only wife is it's own kind of hard.
There is potential for happiness in that life you fear and dread..... and the actual likelihood of your husband finding another is on par with winning the lottery. So you can fret and stew, fear (which is flat disobedience to God) and make yourself miserable. You can determine what you will not do...without considering what God's will may be, or you can choose to trust Him to bless you and give you peace.....even if He purposes to bless another woman through "your" husband.

If he was called to minister to others in a foreign country, would you go with him....or fight him? Would you be glad for those blessed through his obedience....or envious and resentful?

Look at what Sarah was asked to do. She is our example according to the Bible.... and she didn't have a Bible to read, a minister to confuse her loyalty, a prayer meeting to make her feel powerful....or feminist friends to encourage her in manipulating or leaving her husband.

As always you are free to make your choice....you just are not free to determine the cost.

 

[HisSteadfastLove]

I mean no offense or discouragement to you here but I have to ask: If you are set on being monogamous then why are you here on a decidedly pro-polygamy site looking for validation of your monogamous feelings?

I certainly don't think your feelings are wrong or misplaced, not at all. I just find it odd that you would come here to validate monogamy.

Because my husband had told me he wanted me to make a post here and express my feelings, and I did so in obedience to him.

Also, because this is something that would directly effect my marriage, even if I'm only into monogamy personally. I don't mind looking at or hearing out differing opinions, and our divided culture could use more of that. Which is why I've been here viewing the forums for a while. I'm not the type to be in an echo chamber, although I once lived that way. The truth is the most important thing, and it's wise to seek it regardless of feelings.

This I recognize, which is also why I don't feel all of this is just pure emotion on my end. Truly am looking for answers, which is also fine if I don't find them here.

 

[HisSteadfastLove]

Feeling heartbroken and betrayed must be devastating for you given how hard you worked at healing earlier traumas. Maybe like right when you felt comfortable, safe, secure …the wind was knocked out of your sails.

Picturing what you described makes sense that it would make you ill. Because right now it’s an imaginary person that you have zero connection to; and given your struggles, it sounds like your mind’s default is to spiral in panic of all the horrible things that could happen. That’s understandable. But thinking about where you were and how far you’ve come, if there was another person hurting today the way you hurt then, and you actually thought she was kind, thoughtful, related to you and she looked out for you, it might be possible for you someday with LOTS of time, to want for her the same you want for yourself. God’s plans are sometimes wildly different than what we originally had in mind or thought we were ready for. And He knows your pain, He’s brought you to a husband who saw your hurt and provided the love and tenderness you needed. It took time for you to be where you are today so any conversations you’re having now will also take time. Go easy on yourself. You don’t have to have answers right now. You can simply be still and bring your worries to God and trust He will open or close the doors in your life.

For what it’s worth, your husband would never look at another the same as you. That spot in his heart is for you only and will never be taken away. Even if another person was in your life, what they have will be different. And the bond between the two of you will also be different. But for now, you and your husband are facing life the two of you and could very well stay that way so enjoy the present, be in this moment as hard as it might be; to not let stumbling blocks erode the love you have for one another.

This may sound far more flippant then I mean it, but my dad was fond of saying that joy is an inside job.

I know that our emotions are very powerful. I deal with them myself. Sometimes I look back after just days and cannot put myself back into the same place of feeling that was so all consuming then....it even feels petty and foreign to me in my not emotionally absorbed state.

You described your husband as a blessing...and even the one God used to bring you salvation. When I first considered the idea of sharing "my" husband, it was because he had asked a long time friend to marry him just weeks before he met me. She said no, but had regrets. I wasn't raised to believe it was wrong and so thought that it was possible God purposed her being his wife too, and allowed the circumstances that made me his wife first because I would be willing to accept her, while she as a first would never have made that possible for me.

From this initial place of empathy we explored the possibility, and she considered the option. She decided that life was not for her, while I got used to the idea....and then extended the empathy to other women that might not find such a man for their own....and might love and appreciate the one I love.

It was a long wait. There was such a woman.
She is a perfect fit in our family, and the kind of friend I always wished for. There is nothing about her, or her being here that I don't like.....and your imagined nightmare... makes us all happy as we wait for the arrival of their first child.

You are in a position of having a good man. My hubby's nieces were always adamant they would NEVER share "Their men" ....but this was assuming they could find one. One is happily married to a good man and they have 6 children....the other got a man with drug and mental health issues, who had children with two other women before her, and commited suicide after having a daughter with her.

What if your choice ends up being pick through the losers....or be a cat lady.....or share a first class man?

What if that is the choice for one of God's other daughters?

How does one apply the golden rule....or the "Inasmuch as ye have done it to the least of these...ye have done it unto me?"

There aren't many women trying to be a wife, mom, and homemaker that couldn't use help and support. Being the only wife is it's own kind of hard.
There is potential for happiness in that life you fear and dread..... and the actual likelihood of your husband finding another is on par with winning the lottery. So you can fret and stew, fear (which is flat disobedience to God) and make yourself miserable. You can determine what you will not do...without considering what God's will may be, or you can choose to trust Him to bless you and give you peace.....even if He purposes to bless another woman through "your" husband.

If he was called to minister to others in a foreign country, would you go with him....or fight him? Would you be glad for those blessed through his obedience....or envious and resentful?

Look at what Sarah was asked to do. She is our example according to the Bible.... and she didn't have a Bible to read, a minister to confuse her loyalty, a prayer meeting to make her feel powerful....or feminist friends to encourage her in manipulating or leaving her husband.

As always you are free to make your choice....you just are not free to determine the cost.

Thank you ladies, for your responses. I do appreciate them. Since you both posted similar examples, I want to reply with this. If a sister in Christ is hurting, in need, or I just flat out loved her dearly, my first thought or inclination wouldn't be for my husband to take her as a 2nd wife as a means to help her. The scripture speaks much about caring for widows, for example. Yet no where does it state that to care for a widow is for a man to take her as a wife. There are other ways to care for people who are hurting and who are in need, this I'm sure you're aware, just using this as an example.

This happens every single day in western churches, without men becoming the husband of many wives. And without any of them ever feeling as if that's where God is leading them.

Another thing I'm struggling with, is my husband admitted to me early on in the beginning of all of this, that he struggles with lust. To think of this coming from a place of lust is not only hurtful to me, but I don't believe it to be wise to pursue other women as a cure to lust. Especially since I don't deny him, like I did at one time. We are intimate every single day. And this makes me feel as if my love, my body, his desire for me alone is not good enough, for him to desire another.

These verses actually convicted me to not deny my husband's intimacy before he began speaking of polygyny. “Let thy fountain be blessed: And rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; And be thou ravished always with her love." Proverbs‬ ‭5‬:‭18‬-‭19‬

But how can my breasts satisfy him at all times, or how is he ravished always with my love, if he desires another woman?

Solomon is a great example of this, "And whatsoever mine eyes desired I kept not from them," Ecclesiastes 2:10. An example of lack of contentment, resulting in 700 wives and 300 concubines, which didn't end well for him. The scriptures tell us that contentment is a good thing, and that's the wiser thing to pursue.

I have sacrificed a lot to be with my husband. Drove from New Jersey, leaving family behind to go be with my husband in California. And it was a worthy sacrifice, which I don't regret any of it one bit. If he wanted to pack up and move somewhere tomorrow, I would follow him without question. If he wanted to move our family into a small hut, I'd be grateful for what we have. I'm not disobedient. A 2nd wife is just not the same. It's not like bringing a puppy into the home or having another baby. You can hardly equate having another woman to those things.

I fully agree, that we should count the cost, as Christ says. And I think it's wise words of caution, especially to the men here. Men who have lost good women, and who have divided families for seeking after this lifestyle.

I've admitted here that I don't believe I'm strong enough to deal with this. It offends me. My husband knows this. So if he pursued it, the choice and the cost should be carefully determined by him. Again, this doesn't just rest on my shoulders alone.

Also, I don't have any ministers confusing me, as we are not attending church. No prayer meetings either. And I certainly don't have feminist friends or am a feminist. Feminism is of the devil, leading to evils like abortion. But just because someone doesn't support polygamy, they shouldn't be labeled a feminist either.

 

[primrose]

Another thing I'm struggling with, is my husband admitted to me early on in the beginning of all of this, that he struggles with lust. To think of this coming from a place of lust is not only hurtful to me, but I don't believe it to be wise to pursue other women as a cure to lust

I can see that

And this makes me feel as if my love, my body, his desire for me alone is not good enough, for him to desire another.

As you mentioned it’s something that he struggles with so hopefully might be reassurance for you to know his potential desire for another is separate from you. It’s not about you being enough/ not enough and just like peace, it has to come from himself not by you or anyone else does or doesn’t do.

But how can my breasts satisfy him at all times, or how is he ravished always with my love, if he desires another woman?

Because you are always a part of him even if not physically there. Love isn’t segmented. It’s not finite. It doesn’t take from one in order to give to another

The scriptures tell us that contentment is a good thing, and that's the wiser thing to pursue.

I agree contentment is a good thing but a husband can be content and still have the capacity to love more than one person. A person can both pursue contentment and be open to what God brings into our lives. God looks at the heart. Anything done with ill intention and to excess is where it is wrong.

A 2nd wife is just not the same. It's not like bringing a puppy into the home or having another baby. You can hardly equate having another woman to those things.

You’re right. A second wife is a serious shift and consideration. One I think even your husband is still figuring out. How you react to what he’s sharing will be important to him.

I've admitted here that I don't believe I'm strong enough to deal with this. It offends me. My husband knows this. So if he pursued it, the choice and the cost should be carefully determined by him. Again, this doesn't just rest on my shoulders alone.

True his decisions would be life changing for you and will have an impact. And your response to him, even if it ends up being justified will also come with a cost. That’s just the messy part of life. And again, even if in the end he did not pursue poly, how you respond to him now also will have an impact on him; positive or negative.

But just because someone doesn't support polygamy, they shouldn't be labeled a feminist either.

??? I’m confused by this statement as I have not labeled you as such.

 

[Joleneakamama]

Yet no where does it state that to care for a widow is for a man to take her as a wife.

Actually the concept is called leverite marriage. The kinsman redeemer, next of kin, brother of the widow's husband was to marry her and raise a son in his dead brother's name.

If a sister in Christ is hurting, in need, or I just flat out loved her dearly, my first thought or inclination wouldn't be for my husband to take her as a 2nd wife as a means to help her.

Of course marriage is serious and is a far bigger thing then helping someone with bills or child care.

This happens every single day in western churches, without men becoming the husband of many wives. And without any of them ever feeling as if that's where God is leading them.

Usually that possibility is never considered or raised. I had an aunt and a friend that both died young (42 and 56) as never married virgins. I think the church is failing women on a massive scale.

Another thing I'm struggling with, is my husband admitted to me early on in the beginning of all of this, that he struggles with lust. To think of this coming from a place of lust is not only hurtful to me, but I don't believe it to be wise to pursue other women as a cure to lust.

Paul said it is better to marry then burn. No man is ever going to take on the responsibility of another wife without a significant amount of desire. No one commits to the work and cost of "building a house" if they don't want a house. Many men aren't marrying at all these days, much less thinking about a second. The fact that your husband likes the idea at all is a huge statement to the fact that he feels BLESSED by the wife he has. It means you are a GOOD THING in his life. He could never replace you....and I'm sure doesn't want to.

But .. .once you let the idea exist....the possibility creates a hope and enigma for lack of a better word. The possibility that another good thing....someone to love him and support him in life, might exist???.....that is a hard idea to let go of. I know. I almost wished at times I had never heard of such a thing as it seemed impossible. The reality was sureal. ...and now sweet.

Also, I don't have any ministers confusing me, as we are not attending church. No prayer meetings either. And I certainly don't have feminist friends or am a feminist. Feminism is of the devil, leading to evils like abortion. But just because someone doesn't support polygamy, they shouldn't be labeled a feminist either.

Yet your ideas about marriage and morality are coming from where? You would leave your husband if he brought home another woman. This is withholding. This is a threat. This is a powerplay.
This is not something that will build your husband up, or your marriage. You want to put the consequence of YOUR ultimatum on him....but that is just your attempt to make the rules and control him.

Submission is voluntary....but you don't get to redefine it ...or limit it.

 

[HisSteadfastLove]

I can see that

As you mentioned it’s something that he struggles with so hopefully might be reassurance for you to know his potential desire for another is separate from you. It’s not about you being enough/ not enough and just like peace, it has to come from himself not by you or anyone else does or doesn’t do.

Because you are always a part of him even if not physically there. Love isn’t segmented. It’s not finite. It doesn’t take from one in order to give to another

I agree contentment is a good thing but a husband can be content and still have the capacity to love more than one person. A person can both pursue contentment and be open to what God brings into our lives. God looks at the heart. Anything done with ill intention and to excess is where it is wrong.

You’re right. A second wife is a serious shift and consideration. One I think even your husband is still figuring out. How you react to what he’s sharing will be important to him.

True his decisions would be life changing for you and will have an impact. And your response to him, even if it ends up being justified will also come with a cost. That’s just the messy part of life. And again, even if in the end he did not pursue poly, how you respond to him now also will have an impact on him; positive or negative.

??? I’m confused by this statement as I have not labeled you as such.

Is this not a bit of an oxymoron though? To desire, is not to be content. To be content, is not to desire. How can you desire, also while being content? I understand none of us are perfect, and it's difficult not to desire things while we are in this flesh, whatever it may be. Still, am trying to wrap my mind around that in terms of a man's contentment with a wife/wives.

When it comes to the number of wives a man obtains, what constitutes as excess? In scripture, you have the extreme example of 700 wives. David had 8, I believe? Some men only had 2. Muslims place a limit on 4 wives, so I assume after that, they see it as excessive. But who's to say? The Bible doesn't give a number on the amount of wives a man can or can't have. And I sincerely think even those in plural marriages here, would have difficulty being 1 of many, many wives. Not just the one wife out of 2 or 3.

Man is not God. God can have an intimate relationship with every single one of us here because He is God, and because He is omniscient. I don't see realistically, how this is possible for a man to give an equal amount of himself to multiple women. Not to mention he is not free from bias or favoritism, while God is not a respecter of persons.

I've seen arrangements where you have one man, multiple women, and some of those wives don't see their husband for weeks on end, all because he is trying to split time between them fairly. Again, he's not God. God doesn't have to do this with us. He doesn't have to split time between us. He hears us all equally, answering his children simultaneously. A man with one wife, doesn't have to split time between multiple women. He has one focus and less distractions from God, which just makes more sense.

 

[HisSteadfastLove]

Actually the concept is called leverite marriage. The kinsman redeemer, next of kin, brother of the widow's husband was to marry her and raise a son in his dead brother's name.

Of course marriage is serious and is a far bigger thing then helping someone with bills or child care.

Usually that possibility is never considered or raised. I had an aunt and a friend that both died young (42 and 56) as never married virgins. I think the church is failing women on a massive scale.

Paul said it is better to marry then burn. No man is ever going to take on the responsibility of another wife without a significant amount of desire. No one commits to the work and cost of "building a house" if they don't want a house. Many men aren't marrying at all these days, much less thinking about a second. The fact that your husband likes the idea at all is a huge statement to the fact that he feels BLESSED by the wife he has. It means you are a GOOD THING in his life. He could never replace you....and I'm sure doesn't want to.

But .. .once you let the idea exist....the possibility creates a hope and enigma for lack of a better word. The possibility that another good thing....someone to love him and support him in life, might exist???.....that is a hard idea to let go of. I know. I almost wished at times I had never heard of such a thing as it seemed impossible. The reality was sureal. ...and now sweet.


Yet your ideas about marriage and morality are coming from where? You would leave your husband if he brought home another woman. This is withholding. This is a threat. This is a powerplay.
This is not something that will build your husband up, or your marriage. You want to put the consequence of YOUR ultimatum on him....but that is just your attempt to make the rules and control him.

Submission is voluntary....but you don't get to redefine it ...or limit it.

Thank you, I had forgotten about that. Yes, you have leverite marriage, which is part of the Old Testament law. In the New Testament, it is not called for gentiles to practice leverite marriages in order to help widows.

Please do not question my morality. You do not know my heart. I am not trying to make the rules or control my husband. Now you speak false witness against me. I know plenty of Godly women who would struggle with this as I am. And you speak against all of them too.

 

[WifeOfHisYouth]

Is this not a bit of an oxymoron though? To desire, is not to be content. To be content, is not to desire. How can you desire, also while being content? I understand none of us are perfect, and it's difficult not to desire things while we are in this flesh, whatever it may be. Still, am trying to wrap my mind around that in terms of a man's contentment with a wife/wives.

Do you only have one child? Or did you desire to love more than one after you discovered the amazingness of having a child. Was your heart able to expand and love deeply each one, differently? Just because women are designed to be monogamous doesn’t mean men were.

Thanks for clarifying you aren’t here for support, I’m sorry I assumed you wanted that from us ladies.

 

[Joleneakamama]

Thank you, I had forgotten about that. Yes, you have leverite marriage, which is part of the Old Testament law. In the New Testament, it is not called for gentiles to practice leverite marriages in order to help widows.

Please do not question my morality. You do not know my heart. I am not trying to make the rules or control my husband. Now you speak false witness against me. I know plenty of Godly women who would struggle with this as I am. And you speak against all of them too.

I just want you to consider where the ideas come from.
When did God ever change His law? When did the need for widows and orphans to have a husband and father change?
When did the state become the provider of food and health care....and the grantor of divorce for women?

It is not a false witness. You said you would leave under certain circumstances, and implied that he needed to count the cost as you believe you couldn't handle that. That is a threat. That is a power play.

We all battle our own selfish natures. The real battle is always within. We don't know what He may ask us to face, or overcome. We often give lip service to belief and faith....but we still expect to get our way. When you tell God you want him to order your life....don't expect it to just be what you want. Trust Him especially when things DON'T go like you think they should. That's when it matters the most.

We all have struggles. The emotional aspects of being a woman with both halves of our brains intimately connected are HUGE! We can second guess ourselves, have conflicting emotions, and make ourselves extremely miserable! This is where the beauty of commitment and submission are realized. When you draw the line in the sand, it is like grabbing the wheel or hitting the brakes. Chances of things going badly are high.

It undermines his confidence in your commitment, disables his ability to make a decision, and makes your emotions the master of him too.
This is not what God ordered.
I know it can be hard, it can be scary. But He didn't promise the way to life was easy.

 

[HisSteadfastLove]

Do you only have one child? Or did you desire to love more than one after you discovered the amazingness of having a child. Was your heart able to expand and love deeply each one, differently? Just because women are designed to be monogamous doesn’t mean men were.

Thanks for clarifying you aren’t here for support, I’m sorry I assumed you wanted that from us ladies.

Having children is not the same as having wives. I don't get jealous with my children, like I would if I had to hear my husband having sex with another woman in the other room. Intimacy with your children isn't the same intimacy with your husband. And there are plenty of men who disagree with the "men are naturally polygamous" argument. You can't speak for all men, claiming that is their nature when the ideal is to not even be married at all, as Paul wrote. That being for both sexes.

But I think I'm done here. God bless you all. Have a good one.

 

[Joleneakamama]

You can't speak for all men, claiming that is their nature when the ideal is to not even be married at all, as Paul wrote.

Do you really think that Paul would even pretend to over rule YHWH saying "It is not good for man to be alone"?

Flip the script. You are feeling like your husband isn't satisfied with you and taking it as a negative reflection on you.
The OPPOSITE is the truth. He feels blessed by you, loves you, and believes more of what he has WITH YOU would be good!!

No one with a child they don't enjoy and can't stand wants to have a house full, but someone who feels that their child is an amazing gift and blessing might say....."Let's have another!"

You're right. It's not the same as your children. Another woman might be there to share your life and make memories after all the kids are gone.

 

[HisSteadfastLove]

Do you really think that Paul would even pretend to over rule YHWH saying "It is not good for man to be alone"?

Flip the script. You are feeling like your husband isn't satisfied with you and taking it as a negative reflection on you.
The OPPOSITE is the truth. He feels blessed by you, loves you, and believes more of what he has WITH YOU would be good!!

No one with a child they don't enjoy and can't stand wants to have a house full, but someone who feels that their child is an amazing gift and blessing might say....."Let's have another!"

You're right. It's not the same as your children. Another woman might be there to share your life and make memories after all the kids are gone.

And how is a man alone if he already has a wife? He isn't alone at all.

If he believes me to be a blessing, if he loves me, if he believes more of me to be good, then why not spend that time with me? Loving me and cultivating our relationship further? Why try to find that fulfillment in another woman? You don't need polygamy to achieve this. I truly don't understand the rational here.

As far as God's law changing or not changing. Gentiles are not under the law. We do not have to abstain from certain meats, or make sacrifices for sin, or separate from our husband while on our periods. God knows these things can be a stumbling block for those who are not Israelites. So no, I don't believe something like following and practicing a leverite marriage would be mandatory or necessary for a gentile Christian, same as being in a plural marriage in general.

Sorry, commented again. But just felt like that should be said.