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intro from east

aerockk

aerockk

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I have been lurking for about six months just wanted to introduce myself and tell how I came to this site. I have been married for 24 years and 4 children. About a year a ago a woman started working for us. I always felt on my heart that God wanted me to take care of her, but then feelings got stronger. So long story short I told God he had to show me in His Word just one little way having two wives was ok. So thanks to this site and Tom's book wow I was amazed. During prayer I felt God ask me two question would I stand on His Word or church doctrine and was I only going to be for Him only if He was socially accepted. Then I felt one commandment give what I had learned to my wife. That was very difficult. God has his hand on this situation, but its still a spiritual battle.
 
It can be difficult but it's always worth it! Welcome to the board, and thanks for sharing your story.
 
Welcome to the forum, very glad you found us. If your wife needs support point her to the Tuesday night ladies chat. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
 
Thanks for the encouragement and prayers. She was on the ladies chat last week it did cause some anger(rage) so I have just back off the subject as best as I can and just try to support in other areas.
 
aerockk, do you mind if I ask what set her off? This isn't to pick an argument, I just have this curiosity thing....

I'm only loosely aware of what goes on with the ladies chat (it is, after all, ladies chat), but my second-hand impression is that it's a pretty friendly bunch. I'd be interested to hear anything you're comfortable sharing re why your wife became angry. It might be useful for the ladies, too (or it might not be - I guess we'll see), to hear a little more about her reaction.

Again, I'm not necessarily trying to 'fix' anything or debate anything. Just trying to learn and understand.
 
I think it was the fact that they didn't have a problem with sharing a husband. She still does have a problem with it and I understand that. I wonder why some of man's best blessings cause women pain. Also I think some of it was built up emotions. She is also in a difficult situation the other woman has been living with us.
 
Is the woman still living with you? Does she know what you're thinking?
 
Yes.and yes I have been very open maybe too much so. I do let her know that I would not move forward until she is ok with it but I think that makes her feel guilty . I keep telling her there is no rush and if its not Gods will it won't happen. Last week after the ladies chat I think she felt like God had betrayed her she was pretty angry with Him after the chat.
 
"No rush" is a good strategy....

I meant does the other woman know what you're thinking, or have you only confided in your wife. Or is that the question you answered?

Please remind your wife that it's not God she should be mad at (this is assuming you have any latitude to talk about it at all...). Anger is totally appropriate in this situation, but the people to be mad at are the ones that have distorted the scriptures over the years and continue to teach distortions today. She can be as mad as she wants at them!

Note that being mad at God implies that she's starting to acknowledge the truth of this....
 
@aerockk, if you have not been doing this before, this is the time to start a series of bible study with your wife. You are the pastor of your home. You need to take a step back from the discussion about the lady that you are led to and start focussing discussions and study on the principles of God. I think that this will work because, given the fact that your wife opted to participate in the ladies' forum, she really wanted to know the mind of God. This is where you come in. Discuss and teach(unashamedly) the plan of God for marriages. Backing off will not make it go away.... keep teaching and leading.

Have you told your wife about the person you are thinking of taking as a second wife? If you have, quickly move discussion away from that person, else you wife will start comparing herself with that person and start to wonder how she has not satisfied you: move discussion to the principles of God on this matter.
 
aerockk, before you run too far down that rabbit trail, take a look at this thread. You'll find that aklirich in his first post admitted that his wife doesn't trust him and isn't following his lead in this matter. You'll also notice, if you make it through the entire thread, that while his first post delivers his pov and asks for correction, he has pretty much resisted anything anyone with actual experience has to say on the matter, and now presumes to teach others. As far as I'm concerned that whole thread could have ended after julieb's excellent and insightful post based on her years of experience in this lifestyle (although Elisheba and steve also had similar good things to say).

You'll note that aklirich's response to julieb's post is basically "ok, enough about my personal situation, now let's debate my view of male headship". If you are here to arm wrestle over theories about patriarchy and male headship, then y'all have fun. If you are here for practical advice re how to make this work, then you might want to vet the people that try to give you advice.
 
Andrew yes both women are aware . My wife seems sometimes un aware of the other women's feelings for me, but at one point told her that she understood why she loved me and didn't hold it against her. Thanks also for your input and I have researched how long people on this site have been doing what to best I can get from past post. I hoping the retreat will help some. I am glad my wife is resistant this I feel helps me know that if anything moves forward it will be a move of God.Prayers are welcome and advice well received .
Alirich thanks for your bible study suggestion and I have been trying to focus on as Christ loves the church and any I can find on how to be a godly husband / father .
Some days I feel strong and others I feel weak.
 
Agree fully with Andrew, ignore Aklirich's advice, it is completely the wrong direction. Your wife already understands that God teaches polygyny is ok, that's why she's mad at him. She is struggling with the emotional side of things, which is a far bigger deal for most women. She needs lots of love and time to address this. If you focus on theology you'll miss the point completely, and she will think you don't really care about her feelings, making the situation worse.
 
Very interesting postings from andrew and following him ... aklirich is upbraided for pointing to the teachings of God's Word (i.e. the teachings of God). This seems to ruffle the feathers of those "who have made it work". It would seem that since they "have made it work" a greenhorn should best be quiet and listen in reverent awe.

Amazing.

Are we pragmatists or followers of Christ? If the former, John Stuart Mill has much to say; if the latter, we will not disdain those who stand on God's Word.
 
JayJ said:
Are we pragmatists or followers of Christ?
Click to expand...
Both. We must certainly stand on the Word of God and preach it. However preaching the Word is not necessarily the solution for a woman who is struggling with this. We must recognise the real problem with a woman, and address that. This real problem may be a faulty understanding of the Word, or it might be an emotional issue. Teaching the Word is vital, but at the same time is not a hammer to hit every problem with.

I was possibly a bit harsh on aklirich, it is good to have input from different perspectives - but in this particular case I do strongly disagree with his advice because I think he's got the right solution to the wrong problem.
 
Good move, aklirich. My response will also be on the other thread.
 
"Discuss and teach(unashamedly) the plan of God for marriages. Backing off will not make it go away.... keep teaching and leading."

In case there is a question in any ones mind about the efficaciousness of the above method, in our family this would come under "Force-not-Love" instead of "Love-not-Force. .
I gave a bit of my testimony on the other thread about how I gave my wife plenty of time, love, and room to change from 2,000 years of tradition. I could not be happier with the friendship that was produced during this process. Backing off gave her room to breathe and not feel forced.
 
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