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Is genuine happiness possible?

Discussion in 'Ladies Only' started by FirstCovenantLove, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. FirstCovenantLove

    FirstCovenantLove New Member Female

    Hi Ladies,

    Im "passionate patriarch"'s wife.. Im new to this group and am thankful for the chance to hopefully get some feedback on a major concern and hold up of mine when it comes to pologony.

    As background, I am now at a place where I truly believe and accept plural marriage as good and blessed by God. My husband and i have done a lot of scripture studying regarding this topic over the past 6 months or so. However, I really struggle believing that any woman could be genuinly happy on a daily basis having to share their husbands love and attention.

    This is why i am coming right to the source and hoping for some honest feedback. I truly hope I dont offend anyone by asking this question! I dont mean to doubt your happiness, i just personally struggle and cry at even the mere thought of my husband loving, kissing, etc. any other woman besides myself. I think it would leave me broken hearted on a daily basis and leaving me feeling nothing but resentment and missery in my marriage which was once an extremely close bond.

    Any thoughts, stories, and advice would be appreciated. Just trying to sort all this out in my head of how genuine happiness would ever be achievable for the wife.

    Thanks for your time!
    Ginny, frederick, aineo and 9 others like this.
  2. FirstCovenantLove

    FirstCovenantLove New Member Female

  3. Joleneakamama

    Joleneakamama Well-Known Member Female

    Just for starters, I'm a first and only wife, and that might never change.
    For the last 16 years I have been a supporter, who would welcome the opportunity to have co-wife.

    We only came close once, about 6 years ago, when someone seriously considered being a part of our family. I learned a lot from that, and came away with a stronger belief that I could be very happy as a first, but not only wife.
    In my experience love only grows, and loving another increases one's capacity to love. As a mom I loved our first child completely, and tremendously, but I have yet to feel any less love for him, or less love for his siblings, because of our family growing.

    It is hard to imagine another woman in his life, or yours, when she is faceless, and just a concept you have never even seen in real life, but when you meet someone real, and grow a friendship with her, and care about her happiness, it is easy to imagine her being a part of your life.

    Trust and understanding are super important, and even that can be hard to imagine without a real life someone in the picture.

    I have always liked to see (appropriate) public displays of affection. People walking hand in hand, or hugging always warms my heart and makes me smile. Once you get past thinking that you are losing something, you may find you can be happy for those loved ones in your life, that have each other, and actually enjoy seeing their relationship grow and thrive.

    I remember my aunt telling me about a young man she knew in school, who had a lot of artistic ability. He would draw or doodle on napkins, or whatever paper was handy, and give those sketches away...or even throw them away! My aunt couldn't believe how casual he was about something he drew one day, and asked him "Don't you want to keep it?" He just shrugged and said "There's more where that came from."
    When we stop thinking of love as a limited resource, and understand how truly limitless it is, I think accepting another woman in the family gets easier.

    All I know is my relationship with my hubby was never hurt by him caring for another....and that means I have nothing to lose and can only gain.

    Just my two cents worth.

    I hope you find answers in real life, and peace.

    Congratulations on making it this far!
    Ginny, frederick, aineo and 12 others like this.
  4. windblown

    windblown Well-Known Member Female

    Happiness isn't the end goal of marriage, instead it is a by-product of doing God's will. So, yes. :)

    (But I am not in a plural marriage either ;) )

    Glad to see you on here and being so open and transparent. You are leaps and bounds beyond where I was at after coming to a "theological acceptance" of it. :D

    God bless you, sister, as you seek to be in His perfect will.
  5. Sonshine

    Sonshine Well-Known Member Female

    I’m newly in a plural marriage, I guess you could say. My husband and SW have been married for six months. He and I have been married for fourteen years.
    To say I didn’t want this would be an understatement. To say I don’t want this still, would ALSO be an understatement. But some days are better than others.

    I have all the hang ups you talked about. I can’t lie and say that just because I care about my SW and husband we’re all in this fairy tale where now I don’t care or have negative thoughts and reactions. Also, to imagine how you will be in this situation doesn’t prepare you for what you really WILL feel.

    My husband tells me it’s about the choices you make. I can choose to trust him. I can choose to love them both more than myself. I can choose to find joy in a situation I never would’ve chosen. I often don’t make the correct choice. BUT, every day is a new day to make BETTER choices. I’m trying...Sometimes harder than others.

    I have a good friend who reminds me that God is using this to make me a diamond. It’s not a comfortable process, though. But, maybe it’s not supposed to be.

    Maybe happiness comes later. When you realize that you’ve lived a life the best you could because of the strength of your Savior and not because of any strength that you have. Honestly, that’s what I’m hoping for.

    I’m also hoping that some day I don’t look at my SW as competition but more as a part of my family.

    I’ve talked to a few women who have been doing this MUCH longer than I have. And I’ll tell you—not one of them has said it’s not been worth it. So, that’s something, right? :)

    I wish you well on your journey! If you ever need to talk please don’t hesitate to message me.

    As an aside, however, we do have a @WifeOfHisYouth on here, as well. That could be a tad confusing. ;)
    Ginny, frederick, aineo and 13 others like this.
  6. JessicaP

    JessicaP Well-Known Member Female

    First let me say Yes!!! It is possible I am a first and only wife...for a little bit longer lol I have noticed at first that when he started talking to potential women that could join our family I was fine/happy with it and when I noticed him becoming close to them I became unhappy and The Husband would say jealous, Now though I am at peace....most of the time...we will all have our moments. Just because he loves me doesn't mean he can't love someone else. I have also learned from spending time with people who are in PM that when you have the moments of unhappiness there are many ways to deal with them in a possitive way. I also realized that my husband is better at noticing and doing his best to comfort me when I start to get jealous or insecure since he started spending time talking with people who are in PM.
    Ginny, frederick, Mojo and 6 others like this.
  7. WifeOfHisYouth

    WifeOfHisYouth Well-Known Member Female

    I am a first and only at this point. Over the last 2 years, it has been a roller coaster in emotions. At times, I thought I worked though those struggles, then someone would enter the picture and it was square one, or something else would happen that would shake my world again.

    All in all, I would say it is a choice of whose voice you are listening too and if you trust your husband. I am not saying that it is wrong to feel the initial emotions, but it’s what you do with it that matters.

    Some gals are just plain awesome in that this idea didn’t take them long to wrap their minds around and have excitement about it, @Joleneakamama, and others, like myself, it takes TIME to not bawl at the thought of it.

    In the meantime, I really recommend talking to gals in here and digging into your heart. I have gained friendships from gals on this forum that are now closer than friends I have had my whole life. There is something about walking through your deepest valleys with ladies who understand and have been there before that bonds you. <3

    This journey, in my experience, has been tough- but I know I have grown leaps and bounds more than I would have without it. Be patient with yourself. And by your husband’s posts, it seems like he will be patient with you also. :)
    Ginny, frederick, Mojo and 9 others like this.
  8. FollowingHim2

    FollowingHim2 Esteemed Member Female

    Disclaimer: another only wife here.

    Firstly, welcome to BF! I hope you enjoy it here and make it to the ladies chat on Monday's, we'd love to chat with you there :).

    Now, your happiness is a choice. I know there are things that make us sad and bring us down, but how we react to those is where choice comes into play. I want to make something really clear, it is not your husband's job to make you happy. The movies would have you believe that it is. They spend a great amount of time showing men down on their knees proposing to women by begging them to marry them and saying they promise to spend the rest of their lives making her happy. But it isn't their job. Their job is love their women. And sometimes love isn't happy. Sometimes loving someone means making them sad in order to do the best for them.

    Simplistic example: I don't let my kids fill themselves up on biscuits (cookies) because I know they aren't good for them and I want them to eat a healthy tea (dinner). When they ask me for a biscuit and I say no, it makes them sad. Sometimes they throw tantrums. Sometimes they get a chair, open the cupboard, and get to the biscuits themselves, and get into a LOT of trouble. And why do they do all this? Because they think that biscuits make them happy. They don't see the long term (or the short term sugar rush and subsequent low) that I do.

    Plural marriage is a journey, and a pretty big one with a tonne of learning curves. There will be moments of loss, moments of trial, moments where we are completely miserable, moments where we're probably sure we can't do another day. But we will. We will do another day, we will choose to be happy, we will choose to learn, and we will choose to grow closer to God. And what will the end result of being closer to God be? Happiness :).
    steve, Ginny, frederick and 11 others like this.
  9. 1stWife@Home

    1stWife@Home New Member Female

    And yes, I am also a first and only wife:).
    I am also struggling with the same kind of feelings and for me it is comforting to read the posts of all the ladies who made the same journey and are so willing to share their wisdom here on bf. (I'm not so far in that journey yet) For me there is a gap between knowing what is right to do and feeling what is right to do (to use the example of children wanting to eat cookies: most children know that a normal dinner is much healtyhier than cookies) and my thoughts are going back and forth.
    It is very good advise to keep the goal in mind: doing what God wants me to do and trusting Him for helping me. I have to remember that!;)
  10. lutherangirl

    lutherangirl Well-Known Member Female

    Only wife as of yet, so I only have experience in the department of "coming out" to family and friends. My husband and I did attend a family retreat, and I made it to one women's retreat. In which at both retreats, the people from Biblical Families are awesome! I'm the kind girl that doesn't like to sugar coat anything. From what I'm learning from this journey that started in 2008 is TAKE THINGS SLOWLY AND PRAYERFULLY! God continues to open my eyes to things I need improvement in regards to marriage in general. I just learned today how strict the Michigan laws are regarding even advocating polygamy from one of the other posts on this site. HOLY COW!

    So back to your question regarding 'genuine happiness'. I believe is very hard work to obtain that in any situation. REJECTION has been the name of the game from friends, family, and even girls that my husband showed interest in on our journey. I'd lose my daughter, family, friends, church family, and job for sure if or when God decides to bless us with a sisterwife. Without my daughter is something that wouldn't make me happy at all, so that means I wouldn't be 'genuinely happy'.
    Ginny likes this.
  11. FirstCovenantLove

    FirstCovenantLove New Member Female

    Hi ladies.. I want to thank each and every one of you who took the time to respond and write out such thoughtful responses to my question/concern. I apologize for my late reply. I've been slowly reading through your responses over the past couple days.

    I don't know if it'll take a couple months, years, or maybe even the rest of my life to come to a full understanding and appreciation of a plural marriage. I still struggle big time with why bother putting yourself through such discomfort on a daily basis if single marriage is just as blessed by God. But after talking it out with my husband, I suppose what I need to start praying more on is how to trust that God loves his female children and plural marriage isn't intended to cause them unhappiness. Building my trust with God on this topic will probably be the only thing to help my situation.

    I'm quite certain I'll be asking for more advice in the future! Haha

    Thanks again! Enjoy your days
    Ginny, frederick, rockfox and 7 others like this.
  12. Ginny

    Ginny Well-Known Member Female

    Hi FirstCovenantLove and welcome to Biblical Families! I am so glad you and your husband are here. I don't get on the forum very often but I did the other day and I read your post and I honestly haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I've been mulling it over as I go about my days taking care of things here around the house. I've probably written at least a dozen different responses in my head while washing dishes or walking the dog or driving in the car. :)

    Thank you for your candor and vulnerability in your post. I have found that the questions we ask say more about us than the answers we think we already have. You are doing a great job by asking big-picture questions right out of the gate. Your struggle to believe that "any woman could be genuinely happy on a daily basis having to share their husbands love and attention" is a normal and very understandable concern. In my experience, you are up against some very heavy cultural conditioning that teaches us that we should be someone's one and only and that they belong to us completely. I felt that struggle about twenty years ago when I first came to the understanding of polygyny in the scriptures. As I'm sure you already know, believing a truth is one thing and walking it out tend to be two different beasts altogether.

    I like what some of the other women said and I especially agree with @windblown when she said: "Happiness isn't the end goal of marriage, instead it is a by-product of doing God's will. So, yes. [​IMG]" She's a good nut. Solid. Wise. (And incredibly beautiful inside and out, imo.)

    I have prayed and examined my own heart for a response that might encourage you and give you a glimpse into my life and how I see the world and here is what I've come up with...

    On a daily basis, I look at my life and believe with my whole heart that I married the only man on the planet who could love me and teach me and guide me in the life God wants for me. The road has been rough but with all humility and glory to God, I can say that the love I experience every day came about after many hard-fought battles and one big war we almost lost. We have the scars to prove it. I'm here with the man of my dreams not because he "makes me happy" or because I find happiness in plural marriage but because he is the kind of man I delight to serve. The other two women in my life have their own stories (they have their own scars) but they too understand our lifestyle as a specific calling to support and serve our husband. We are a team. We have our many flaws but we are a strong team and I think being a part of (and serving) Biblical Families has made us even stronger.

    No, not every day is easy. Not by a long shot. I'm positive a lot of monogamous are the same as far as ups and downs and happiness levels.

    In the past four years, I have spoken to many, many women who feel the way you do these days. I honestly wish I could be with you and hug you and hold you and comfort you in your pain. I will tell you what I feel in my heart to be true - this process you are going through, these thoughts you are examining, this paradigm shift, this place you are in your marriage, this refining process is a blessing. I believe it with every bit of energy in my body and soul. The kind of women who end up asking the questions you are asking are the kind of women who pray "Use me Lord. I'm yours and I long for you to guide me in your truth and your light so that others may know you and serve you and find a peace that passes all understanding". (okay...maybe not those exact words but I think you know what I mean...) Even if your husband never takes another wife, you have this amazing opportunity to ask the big questions of yourself and of your marriage. Why are you here? Why are you with your husband? Are you called to serve him? (Here's the big one...) Do you trust him? I mean full-on, place your life in his hands trust him? If your answer is yes to that last one, then you are in the right place.

    When the question is "Am I happy in a plural marriage?" then that changes from week to week (ahem...sometimes from hour to hour...) depending on how much sleep I've had and how many shoes I have to clean up from the den. It's a moving target. But if the question is "Am I happy to serve my husband and be a valued member of this family?" The answer is always, easily, hands-down, unwaveringly "Yes".

    In my experience, it's not about sharing as much as it's about serving.

    You did not offend me by asking the question. It's a legitimate question and you are not alone in your thoughts and concerns. On the same note, I hope I did not offend you with my response.

    I honestly believe you are in a good place and I pray that you would continue to ask good questions as you seek the truth for yourself and your marriage.

    Love and Light,
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2018 at 3:56 PM
    steve, andrew, Lili and 11 others like this.
  13. lutherangirl

    lutherangirl Well-Known Member Female

    Ginny's response: 'Do you trust him? I mean full-on, place your life in his hands trust him?' is truly the best post ever, and I've been on this site for a long time. This response was so wise and Holy-Spirit filled.