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"Its My Kitchen"
- Thread starter DaPastor
- Start date
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Anonymous
Guest
Hi,
Well I don't know about plural marriage but I am a single mom of 2 kids and I have NEVER had my own kitchen (or my own bedroom for that matter, except as a little kid!) I have always lived with others including other women where it was actually "their" kitchen and I was just using it as a boarder. Rarely, I've had my own place with a tiny kitchen that was barely a kitchen, and then I have to share with my daughter who thinks she should be on the food network!! I have found that all these years of practice has made me very humble and sensitive to the "others",i.e. the owners, using anything (space, utensils, whatever) as well as very unattached to "stuff" in a very good way.
The point is that when you have had little or nothing of your "own" for a long time it makes it easy to think that sharing stuff must be heaven!! When all those people lost their homes and lives when Katrina it made me think how stupid to hold on to stuff, and systems of doing things in such a fanatical way as many "christians" do. What a waste of life energy!! Something or someone can come along and snatch it out of your pathetic cluthces at any moment. I realize that respect and caring about what others feel (including stuff maniacs) is essential to get along with ANYONE, no matter the situation. Put others on equal par with yourself and that will solve many problems. But anyway, maybe I'm no good to say anything because you can't opine on what you've never had! (is opine a word??)
Well I don't know about plural marriage but I am a single mom of 2 kids and I have NEVER had my own kitchen (or my own bedroom for that matter, except as a little kid!) I have always lived with others including other women where it was actually "their" kitchen and I was just using it as a boarder. Rarely, I've had my own place with a tiny kitchen that was barely a kitchen, and then I have to share with my daughter who thinks she should be on the food network!! I have found that all these years of practice has made me very humble and sensitive to the "others",i.e. the owners, using anything (space, utensils, whatever) as well as very unattached to "stuff" in a very good way.
The point is that when you have had little or nothing of your "own" for a long time it makes it easy to think that sharing stuff must be heaven!! When all those people lost their homes and lives when Katrina it made me think how stupid to hold on to stuff, and systems of doing things in such a fanatical way as many "christians" do. What a waste of life energy!! Something or someone can come along and snatch it out of your pathetic cluthces at any moment. I realize that respect and caring about what others feel (including stuff maniacs) is essential to get along with ANYONE, no matter the situation. Put others on equal par with yourself and that will solve many problems. But anyway, maybe I'm no good to say anything because you can't opine on what you've never had! (is opine a word??)
sixth_heretic
Member
I think what this post is about is should there be home teritories. Should one wife be in charge of the cooking and the other in charge of Cleaning one in charge of the laundry and so on. I would think that over time this would work itself out due to the abilities and the desires of all of the adults involved. If one hates dishes but doesnt mind cleaning the bathroom then most likely she will end up cleaning the bathroom. The important thing here is that everyone needs to have responsibilities. So Yes I think that there should be areas where Each adult is in charge of an area of the house but these should not be rigid. Everyone needs a break every now and Again.
On a side note. When it lists those that get a sabbath day wives and mothers are not listed. Why do you think that is? Thoughs and comments welcome.
On a side note. When it lists those that get a sabbath day wives and mothers are not listed. Why do you think that is? Thoughs and comments welcome.
This question is meant to open communication between family members. In our family, both Pastor Randy and I work, and T wants to be homemaker. Since I am not attached to being a homemaker, and since I like working, this suits me just fine. I don't mind getting along in someone else's kitchen, but I can see where others might. We worked this out by talking about who likes what and who can live without certain things. T likes to be in charge of the house, I can live without it.
The long and the short of it is that each and every member of the home should have a say in how it works. A family isn't like a company where you hire to fit a job description. It is a family and everyone's concerns should matter. Of course, if neither of us wanted to be in charge of the house then we would have to work it out and Randy might have to step in and take command, but in general it is about meeting the needs of each member of the home.
Because I am in my 40's and have lived alone for a while, I have a full house of furniture and all the kitchen stuff. But so does T. She is the chef so when we are all together, her tools will matter more than mine. If she likes something of mine, I will be glad to share, but in general, her tools are extensions of herself. I have a few things I would like to put around the house, but I am not much into nicknacks. I will have my own room, which I will decorate my own way, but other than that, as long as it looks nice, I really don't care much about decorating.
But if someone does have strong opinions, those should be considered. Every person in a family is important.
Okay, I need some help getting off my soapbox....
Sweet LIssa
The long and the short of it is that each and every member of the home should have a say in how it works. A family isn't like a company where you hire to fit a job description. It is a family and everyone's concerns should matter. Of course, if neither of us wanted to be in charge of the house then we would have to work it out and Randy might have to step in and take command, but in general it is about meeting the needs of each member of the home.
Because I am in my 40's and have lived alone for a while, I have a full house of furniture and all the kitchen stuff. But so does T. She is the chef so when we are all together, her tools will matter more than mine. If she likes something of mine, I will be glad to share, but in general, her tools are extensions of herself. I have a few things I would like to put around the house, but I am not much into nicknacks. I will have my own room, which I will decorate my own way, but other than that, as long as it looks nice, I really don't care much about decorating.
But if someone does have strong opinions, those should be considered. Every person in a family is important.
Okay, I need some help getting off my soapbox....
Sweet LIssa
Chaplains Rose
New Member
Hello Everyone,
Okay Lissa...PUSH.....I just pushed you off your soap box so that I can get on it. :lol: I agree with you that there has to be open communication between family members. We should ALL share in the household responsibilities. In our case, when "J" joins us, her and I both work full time and The Chaplain is home for a week. We would all have to share the household duties. "J" loves to make deserts so I would leave that for her. I think we would be able to read each others moods very well and one would take over when the other just wasn't up to it. J and I have known each other for a looonnngggg time { over 27 years} and we read each other real well, almost as well as The Chaplain and I do. We would hope to share a home and that would mean sharing all that is involved in taking care of a home, But The Chaplain , being the wonderful man that he is would help in some of the household chores while he is home ha ha ha.....
..... though I laugh he really would help because he is a much better house keeper than I am.... J and I are a lot alike in our house cleaning so The Chaplain would have his hands full....
On the side note that was added a few posts back. My feelings are that the men were the head of the household and the wives would follow his lead on not working on the Sabbath. There are passages that state that no work is to done on the Sabbath. I would think that cooking is work and that to me includes the women of the household.
Six days shall work be done, but the seventh day is a Sabbath of solemn rest, a holy convocation. You shall do no work on it; it is the Sabbath of the LORD in all your dwellings. Lev. 23:3
but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the LORD your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your ox, nor your donkey, nor any of your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates, that your male servant and your female servant may rest as well as you. Deut. 5:14
Thus says the LORD: "Take heed to yourselves, and bear no burden on the Sabbath day, nor bring it in by the gates of Jerusalem; "nor carry a burden out of your houses on the Sabbath day, nor do any work, but hallow the Sabbath day, as I commanded your fathers. Jer. 17:21-22
Yes Christ make statements in the NT about doing work, but that is work of necessity where the act of a woman cooking on the sabbath is not.
Okay Lissa...PUSH.....I just pushed you off your soap box so that I can get on it. :lol: I agree with you that there has to be open communication between family members. We should ALL share in the household responsibilities. In our case, when "J" joins us, her and I both work full time and The Chaplain is home for a week. We would all have to share the household duties. "J" loves to make deserts so I would leave that for her. I think we would be able to read each others moods very well and one would take over when the other just wasn't up to it. J and I have known each other for a looonnngggg time { over 27 years} and we read each other real well, almost as well as The Chaplain and I do. We would hope to share a home and that would mean sharing all that is involved in taking care of a home, But The Chaplain , being the wonderful man that he is would help in some of the household chores while he is home ha ha ha.....
..... though I laugh he really would help because he is a much better house keeper than I am.... J and I are a lot alike in our house cleaning so The Chaplain would have his hands full....On the side note that was added a few posts back. My feelings are that the men were the head of the household and the wives would follow his lead on not working on the Sabbath. There are passages that state that no work is to done on the Sabbath. I would think that cooking is work and that to me includes the women of the household.
Six days shall work be done, but the seventh day is a Sabbath of solemn rest, a holy convocation. You shall do no work on it; it is the Sabbath of the LORD in all your dwellings. Lev. 23:3
but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the LORD your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your ox, nor your donkey, nor any of your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates, that your male servant and your female servant may rest as well as you. Deut. 5:14
Thus says the LORD: "Take heed to yourselves, and bear no burden on the Sabbath day, nor bring it in by the gates of Jerusalem; "nor carry a burden out of your houses on the Sabbath day, nor do any work, but hallow the Sabbath day, as I commanded your fathers. Jer. 17:21-22
Yes Christ make statements in the NT about doing work, but that is work of necessity where the act of a woman cooking on the sabbath is not.
Seeing as I like to cook, once "J" joi9ns us and we all live together ( hopefully ) I do not foresee to much "fighting" over the kitchen. The only fighting will be, who washes the dishes :lol: . House cleaning will be a joint effort with me doing a lot of it while I am home.
rusty_armor
New Member
In my family we don’t have arguments, we have territorial disputes.
When I married my first wife, she was extremely proprietary in the kitchen. Move the coffee pot 1/4" from where she placed it, and the wrath of angels would fall on the hapless re-arranger.
My second wife is also proprietary, but at the time we decided to take our long-time friendship up to the next level, she had been in serious lawsuits with the city over her love of large dogs, and was on the lam from City dog catchers.
We were hiding her two dogs in our own dog friendly back yard that had a privacy fence around it, and I had helped her put her belongings into long term storage.
My first wife was the one who jokingly suggested that we take the relationship up to the next level after dinner one evening. For some time afterwards, we started joking about my “harem”, though we had not taken that final step that would consummate a marriage.
We decided to move to a rural area where the dogs had lots of room to run, and in the excitement of planning that move, the women began to carve out territories for themselves.
I warned them that as husband, I would step in if the fight became physical, but I would not be of much help to them in their “fitting in”.
First wife is a genius at home finances, and she became the treasurer of the family, and then came the first dispute. Second wife is very secretive of her finances, but because she wasn’t working much at the time, she was a net drain on the family’s resources. Second wife took me aside one day and said she felt more like a daughter than a wife.
I desire peace in my family, and hoped that the issue would disappear. Yeah … you know that worked well! The situation grew worse, and when the second wife started working more regularly, she got her own checking account and began doling out the money when she felt she should contribute.
First wife was not happy because we had taken over second wife’s debts, namely a high interest student loan and auto insurance, and had paid on the for over two years, and she felt that first wife should also contribute a little extra to the family to rebuild those resources first wife had consumed.
I suggested a family meeting after the Shabbat meal. The venue wasn’t the best for ironing out differences, and second wife thought that our only interest in her was money.
*sigh!*
The issue still isn’t resolved, but second wife is now sullenly paying a little more into the household budget, and first wife is right there every payday to receive it. We have very good days mostly, but several times a week, I could run the entire house’s energy on the sparks generated.
First wife inherited the kitchen, second wife inherited the landscape. They both seemed to have worked out the house chores. But the financial arrangements are going to be the death of me.
No one told me this would be a cakewalk . . .
When I married my first wife, she was extremely proprietary in the kitchen. Move the coffee pot 1/4" from where she placed it, and the wrath of angels would fall on the hapless re-arranger.
My second wife is also proprietary, but at the time we decided to take our long-time friendship up to the next level, she had been in serious lawsuits with the city over her love of large dogs, and was on the lam from City dog catchers.
We were hiding her two dogs in our own dog friendly back yard that had a privacy fence around it, and I had helped her put her belongings into long term storage.
My first wife was the one who jokingly suggested that we take the relationship up to the next level after dinner one evening. For some time afterwards, we started joking about my “harem”, though we had not taken that final step that would consummate a marriage.
We decided to move to a rural area where the dogs had lots of room to run, and in the excitement of planning that move, the women began to carve out territories for themselves.
I warned them that as husband, I would step in if the fight became physical, but I would not be of much help to them in their “fitting in”.
First wife is a genius at home finances, and she became the treasurer of the family, and then came the first dispute. Second wife is very secretive of her finances, but because she wasn’t working much at the time, she was a net drain on the family’s resources. Second wife took me aside one day and said she felt more like a daughter than a wife.
I desire peace in my family, and hoped that the issue would disappear. Yeah … you know that worked well! The situation grew worse, and when the second wife started working more regularly, she got her own checking account and began doling out the money when she felt she should contribute.
First wife was not happy because we had taken over second wife’s debts, namely a high interest student loan and auto insurance, and had paid on the for over two years, and she felt that first wife should also contribute a little extra to the family to rebuild those resources first wife had consumed.
I suggested a family meeting after the Shabbat meal. The venue wasn’t the best for ironing out differences, and second wife thought that our only interest in her was money.
*sigh!*
The issue still isn’t resolved, but second wife is now sullenly paying a little more into the household budget, and first wife is right there every payday to receive it. We have very good days mostly, but several times a week, I could run the entire house’s energy on the sparks generated.
First wife inherited the kitchen, second wife inherited the landscape. They both seemed to have worked out the house chores. But the financial arrangements are going to be the death of me.
No one told me this would be a cakewalk . . .
sixth_heretic
Member
Dude I have this problem with only one wife. The only option to solve this situation is to take control over the finnances yourself as head of house hold. Take a stand tell them all money goes into one account and you will dole out the cash. You have two women of equal authority who will not share with each other. You have two children fighting over one toy then you need to take away the toys until they can play nice. Let the punishment fit the crime. This is of course easier said then done. Like I said I have this problem with one wife haveing it with two could get ugly. Controling the money is a source of power. These wives are struggleing for dominance against each other. They are useing money as a weapon against each other so you need to take the money away.
rusty_armor
New Member
You are right, sixth. A good solution would be to assume the finances, and DEMAND all funds be put into that pot.
I would just have to pull that one off with two older, successful women who carved out lives in a male dominated world and rose to the top.
1st wife and I spent a couple of weeks in a well known gun fighting school, and she out shot and outlasted everyone in that school, including two Marines who were enroute to Secret Service's Presidential protection unit. She entered into a male only trade, and fought local union bosses to the mat. Yeah ... I sure don't want to tell her "Step aside, woman. The MAN is going to handle the finances."
2nd Wife picked herself up from the ashes after first hubby gave her five children which she homeschooled, then upgraded to trophy wife, leaving her to provide for the children he left behind. She worked at menial jobs, she then acquired a couple of pit bulls, in opposition to the city's ban on them, and fought the animal control people and the District Attorney to a draw. So, yeah ... I sure don't want to tell her "I'm the MAN here, and you WILL put ALL your earnings into the family bank account."
If I am going to keep my family together and happy, I am afraid that I am going to have to learn the fine art of compromise and negotiation. And maybe even a little guile . .
I would just have to pull that one off with two older, successful women who carved out lives in a male dominated world and rose to the top.
1st wife and I spent a couple of weeks in a well known gun fighting school, and she out shot and outlasted everyone in that school, including two Marines who were enroute to Secret Service's Presidential protection unit. She entered into a male only trade, and fought local union bosses to the mat. Yeah ... I sure don't want to tell her "Step aside, woman. The MAN is going to handle the finances."
2nd Wife picked herself up from the ashes after first hubby gave her five children which she homeschooled, then upgraded to trophy wife, leaving her to provide for the children he left behind. She worked at menial jobs, she then acquired a couple of pit bulls, in opposition to the city's ban on them, and fought the animal control people and the District Attorney to a draw. So, yeah ... I sure don't want to tell her "I'm the MAN here, and you WILL put ALL your earnings into the family bank account."
If I am going to keep my family together and happy, I am afraid that I am going to have to learn the fine art of compromise and negotiation. And maybe even a little guile . .
Rusty/Dusty
I agree with Sixth-heretic regarding the finances. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't let #1 continue to budget, if she is truly a genius at it. You can continue to delegate that to her as one of her strengths. But it needs to be done with your approval because in the end you are the one who is accountable for your family. So when #1 shows you the budget, you review it, make suggestions if they come up and ultimately approve it. That way, if #2 has a problem with the budget, then you are the one she has the problem with, not #1.
In our family, all earnings go into a community pot. That pot pays all the bills. When it is all said and done, we will all have an "allowance" of discretionary funds that we can use at our own discretion. But first all the bills are paid. My debts, T's debts and Randy's debts are all paid out of one account and all bills are taken into consideration. We all make suggestions about saving, tithing and large expenditures but in the end, Randy makes the decision. Because we are all mature, there are rarely times when we disagree about stuff. We all believe in paying the bills first and we all believe in tithing and we all believe that we should have equal money to spend regardless of who earns a paycheck. The member of our family who stays at home earns a paycheck every bit as much as the ones who work outside the home.
Your ladies may be better at financial stuff than you are but that chore should be delegated by you.
Randy considers the home to be like a small church. With husband in the position of pastor and wife(ves) in the position of elders. That means that the wives are welcome to give valuable input in all matters, but in the end the pastor (hubby) makes the decision.
God Bless you and your family.
Sweet Lissa
I agree with Sixth-heretic regarding the finances. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't let #1 continue to budget, if she is truly a genius at it. You can continue to delegate that to her as one of her strengths. But it needs to be done with your approval because in the end you are the one who is accountable for your family. So when #1 shows you the budget, you review it, make suggestions if they come up and ultimately approve it. That way, if #2 has a problem with the budget, then you are the one she has the problem with, not #1.
In our family, all earnings go into a community pot. That pot pays all the bills. When it is all said and done, we will all have an "allowance" of discretionary funds that we can use at our own discretion. But first all the bills are paid. My debts, T's debts and Randy's debts are all paid out of one account and all bills are taken into consideration. We all make suggestions about saving, tithing and large expenditures but in the end, Randy makes the decision. Because we are all mature, there are rarely times when we disagree about stuff. We all believe in paying the bills first and we all believe in tithing and we all believe that we should have equal money to spend regardless of who earns a paycheck. The member of our family who stays at home earns a paycheck every bit as much as the ones who work outside the home.
Your ladies may be better at financial stuff than you are but that chore should be delegated by you.
Randy considers the home to be like a small church. With husband in the position of pastor and wife(ves) in the position of elders. That means that the wives are welcome to give valuable input in all matters, but in the end the pastor (hubby) makes the decision.
God Bless you and your family.
Sweet Lissa
Hello Rusty,
Brother, my heart goes out to you. I care for you and your wives and I would like to encourage you to discuss this matter "behind closed doors". I know that my wives would not appreciate me talking negatively about them or private matters publically. I am sure that some of the brethren would be more than willing to give Biblical advice regarding these issues.
Brother, my heart goes out to you. I care for you and your wives and I would like to encourage you to discuss this matter "behind closed doors". I know that my wives would not appreciate me talking negatively about them or private matters publically. I am sure that some of the brethren would be more than willing to give Biblical advice regarding these issues.
wafflesandsyrup
New Member
Sweet Lissa,
I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading how your family handles finance. It sounds extremely fair and wise. As far as sharing the kitchen goes that is my husband's dept., his grandfather was a chef and he truly enjoys cooking. Praise the Lord for that! When the Lord sends us a new spouse, if she enjoys cooking, he is going to have to work that out with her. I'm sure it won't be a problem, after all he shares it with our boys that have learned to cook. As far as decorating goes, decor in our home has always been a joint decision. I wouldn't want to live in a home where my I didn't have fair and equal input on the home and so I would never expect a sister wife to live that way either.
Thank you again for sharing,
M (waffles)
http://www.bigloveoverlogic.blogspot.com/
http://www.myspace.com/writingourownrules
I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading how your family handles finance. It sounds extremely fair and wise. As far as sharing the kitchen goes that is my husband's dept., his grandfather was a chef and he truly enjoys cooking. Praise the Lord for that! When the Lord sends us a new spouse, if she enjoys cooking, he is going to have to work that out with her. I'm sure it won't be a problem, after all he shares it with our boys that have learned to cook. As far as decorating goes, decor in our home has always been a joint decision. I wouldn't want to live in a home where my I didn't have fair and equal input on the home and so I would never expect a sister wife to live that way either.
Thank you again for sharing,
M (waffles)
http://www.bigloveoverlogic.blogspot.com/
http://www.myspace.com/writingourownrules