Jealousy, Relationships and Murder

[sun]

For the past month, I have been watching Unsolved Mysteries, Forensic Files, Killer Mysteries and Corrupt Crimes and I am pretty shocked at the level of extreme violence of people both men and women will resort to when it comes to a relationship. In some episodes , it is a mistress that kills either the wife or girlfriend to have the husband or boyfriend all to themselves. Sometimes it is the wife killing the mistress or husband. In other episodes, it is the man either killing his wife to marry the mistress or the man killing the mistress to cover the shame of an affair.

While having affairs is something I don't condone. I think partly the result of these murders is because our society strongly believes in the monogamy ideal that a man can only love one woman. Maybe a few of theses circumstances could have been resolved if their was an understanding of polygamous relationships and that it is something not to be ashamed of.

I can remember watching an episode of Forensic Files a coupe of years ago where a man in New York killed his immigrant mistress from Honduras and put her body in a drum and buried it in the basement of his home to cover up the affair he was having and the shame of his wife finding out. However, he sold the house and the next home owners found the body and the police traced it back to him. He eventually committed suicide instead of face the criminal justice system.

http://www.biblepolygamy.com/jealousywives.htm

 

[mystic]

A downside of knowing there's another way in these things: the potential for neck injury from shaking one's head when hearing of relationship flame-outs.

Even without conscious knowledge, one may sense that something's amiss:

Long before I learned of polygamy, I went to visit a beautiful, loving family I had known for several years and was told by the mother that she'd divorced the father upon finding out he was sleeping with a friend of theirs. My gut reaction was profound sadness and the clear feeling that she'd done wrong in this. "You had a choice," I wanted tell her. "This was not a matter of course!" But she'd already remarried and there was nothing to be said.

 

[Mojo]

In the past, most women (societal pressure against divorce?) would either grin and bear it, or would actively try to woo back the affections of their husbands (taking the challenge of the other woman) in order to spare children from the greater danger of split families and non-daily interaction with dad.

The change is society now encourages women to "dump his a**...you don't deserve that!" without any attempts at reconciliation.

Check out a post I had on here a while back about the "Mistress Phenomenon".

 

[sun]

In the past, most women (societal pressure against divorce?) would either grin and bear it, or would actively try to woo back the affections of their husbands (taking the challenge of the other woman) in order to spare children from the greater danger of split families and non-daily interaction with dad.

The change is society now encourages women to "dump his a**...you don't deserve that!" without any attempts at reconciliation.

Check out a post I had on here a while back about the "Mistress Phenomenon".

Do you think if a husband wife and the mistress talked it over with a knowledge that it is possible to have plural relationships that there would be less murders? Are some women OK with being in a polygamous relationship?

 

[Mojo]

Do you think if a husband wife and the mistress talked it over with a knowledge that it is possible to have plural relationships that there would be less murders? Are some women OK with being in a polygamous relationship?

I don't know that television shows give an accurate understanding of the exact number of crimes of passion involving extramarital relationships. I'm thinking it may tend to inflate the actual numbers by an impression basis.

The "mistress phenomenon" post had links that explored cultural expectations in many countries, and encouraged us to rethink it in our own too. When men and women stop seeing an extramarital relationship as a violation of exclusive ownership, I'm sure the violence and murder statistics would decrease some, but the heart is a desperately wicked place, so who knows if it will change at all?

 

[FollowingHim2]

When you realise PM is an option you tend to look at these situations and see where there is a completely practical and loving solution. And in some cases PM would be it if all parties would just open their eyes a bit. But there's always going to be people for who that isn't their future. There's always going to be guys that decide to have a wife and then sleep around with a bunch of women just to get more sex, and they do not want to settle down and have a polygamous marriage.
For example, look at how many men find out PM is a thing and decide that means they can sleep with whoever they want, whenever they want, and call it marriage - until they decide they're done with it or they can't treat any of the women right and one or both leave. Many messes abound.

 

[rockfox]

Murder's get highlighted because it is sensational; but they are not common. However jealousy and a desire to control their husband is almost universal. You see this in the common occurrences of wives systematically isolating husbands from their friends, family, hobbies, etc. as they completely monopolize his time and attention. This can range from guilt trips over evening plans to moving across the country to 'be near her family'.

I wouldn't pin it on monogamy so much as the curse, her desire to rule over him, amplified by our matriarchal culture that sees men as little more than servants to women's interests. A man cannot serve two masters.

 

[mystic]

I've added a line to my previous post to clarify the story and how it relates to OP's message. Polygamy wasn't in my mind those years ago but my inner compass already pointed away from monogamism. Not all knowing is conscious.

look at how many men find out PM is a thing and decide that means they can sleep with whoever they want, whenever they want, and call it marriage - until they decide they're done with it or they can't treat any of the women right and one or both leave. Many messes abound.

There's a parallel here, in that awareness is an issue on both ends: One can sense the problems of monogamism's demands without knowing about polygamy, and knowing about polygamy doesn't bring realization that others have failed at it.

In fairness to the innocent reader, PM failure stories get only oblique mention here and even little of that. Many thanks to BF's leaders for being trustworthy and discreet.

 

[sun]

When you realise PM is an option you tend to look at these situations and see where there is a completely practical and loving solution. And in some cases PM would be it if all parties would just open their eyes a bit. But there's always going to be people for who that isn't their future. There's always going to be guys that decide to have a wife and then sleep around with a bunch of women just to get more sex, and they do not want to settle down and have a polygamous marriage.
For example, look at how many men find out PM is a thing and decide that means they can sleep with whoever they want, whenever they want, and call it marriage - until they decide they're done with it or they can't treat any of the women right and one or both leave. Many messes abound.

I agree with you. If some of these people had an open mind about the possibility of it, some of these murders could have been avoided but our culture does not allow for that way of thinking especially in Christian churches.

While this is a survival guide regarding polygamy that focuses on Islam; I think the insights can be helpful to Christians: http://www.thedeenshow.com/polygamy-survival-guide/

Here are some excerpts from the article:

Sharing love

One of the biggest fears women have of polygamy comes from a misunderstanding about the nature of love. Love is seen as something finite which has to be shared between people, so if a man takes a second wife, it’s assumed that he must love his first wife less because of it. The truth is that love is infinite and does not need to be shared between people. Just as when a mother has a second child she still loves her first child as much as ever, when a man takes a second wife he still loves his first wife just as much.

Tackling jealousy

Jealousy is best tackled by focusing on what you have. “Jealousy is when you count someone else’s blessings instead of your own,” (anon). If you feel jealous about anything, ask yourself if it’s over something that you really want, or whether you desire it simply because your co-wife has it. If it’s the latter, then try to forget about it and remind yourself that you don’t actually want it. If it’s something you really want, then focus on how you can get it for yourself because you would like it, not because she has it.

If it’s the relationship you’re jealous of, concentrate on building your own relationship with your husband as though she’s not in the picture. If you feel that he loves her more than you, then maybe he isn’t giving you enough attention or affection, and frame this as a problem in your own relationship that you need to talk to him about and resolve, rather than as a problem with your co-wife.

These things won’t eliminate jealousy altogether, but they should minimize it. Remember that even ‘A’isha (RA) had times when she was jealous of Muhammad’s (SAW) other wives (RA), and even broke a plate because of it.