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Just Starting Out ... Rambling

M

mamapanda

New Member
Hi ladies,

I'm new to this, so please bear with me. I'm going to be angry, I'm going to be upset, and I'm going to ask a lot, a LOT of questions.

My husband and I have been married for five years (just celebrated this weekend, actually!), and we're so very much in love. In the past few years, he felt God calling him to really research plural marriage - at first, he was quite disgusted by the concept. However, as he did more research, he came to realize that it is a biblically sound practice. He showed me his research and the supporting Scripture - I could admit that yes, it's fine to practice it. I didn't necessarily mean that WE had to practice, but I certainly wasn't going to tell anyone that they were a sinner if they shared that THEY were practicing.

In the last year, darling husband has really started to press the matter. Side note: We welcomed our first child in October 2013. Since she was born, we seem to fight a lot more, and about really asinine stuff. I'd say in the last three months or so, the conversation of plural marriage has come up more and more. Conveniently, around the same time that he really started talking about it more and more, saying that it was God's calling for him to be a practicing patriarch, he just so happens to find an old friend on Facebook - an old female friend. An old fling. She was going through some very personal things that I don't think are my place to share. But I was upset from the get go. I told him that she was looking for something more than just an old friend. She would text him every night, just to say good night. Every morning just to say hello. I felt very off about it, and he swore to me that nothing was going on. Fast forward here a bit: she's come to visit us a couple of times. She's nice, I guess. I've asked my husband, somewhat offhandedly, if he considered her SW "material." It rather broke my heart when he said yes.

The last week, for me, has been miserable. He's talked about plural marriage nearly non-stop, and today it kind of blew up. He told me that it was his calling, and he needed to know if I was with him or not. Well, here's where I can't win. I either tell him yeah, I'm with him and just deal with the heartbreak on my own, or I tell him no, and then I've helped him to fail God. Rock, hard place. Me in the middle. So, I told him that I was with him. It wasn't entirely untruthful: I'd follow him to the ends of the earth, and I support all of his decisions. I just ... don't necessarily want to share his love with anyone else. It took me a very long time, and a lot of bad decisions, to find someone who loved me for the person that I am. The look on his face was pure joy, and I knew I'd done the right thing - I'd made him happy, and he was going to be following God. Hooray! NOT. Later this afternoon, I just started crying (this has been a common occurrence for me lately), and I was SO furious (again, common these days). He asked me what was wrong, and I told him that I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to have to share his love with anyone else, etc. He always tries to turn everything into a positive, and I just didn't want to hear it. I wanted to be mad, dang it!!!

So we talked it out, and I realized that I want to follow him, and more importantly follow God. I am working to overcome the more selfish aspects of this whole deal. I have a feeling that's going to take some time. The good news (for me) is that right now, he doesn't have a SW in mind (the old fling is still around, but he hasn't moved it in that direction yet). So I guess I have some time to get more comfortable with the idea.

Now I have to struggle with the idea of him having intimate relationships with other women. I was sexually assaulted almost 9 years ago, and my husband is the ONLY person since then that I've been intimate with. I can't stand the thought of him being with other women. It would be hard enough for me, had I not had the traumatic experiences that I have. Add that to the mix, and it's absolutely unbearable. I've tried to talk to him about that, and he just says "I know it's tough", and then tells me that it's time for him and me to be one. He doesn't seem to understand that this is constantly on my mind ...
 
Mamapanda, my heart aches for you. Looking at the number of views of your post, with no response yet, my guess is that everyone just doesn't know where to begin to help or what to say. I myself didn't want to just rashly respond, but to take the time to pray about it and pray for you and really think things through. I don't think I will necessarily say the right things the whole way through, but you called out to us and I believe you really want a response. Know that from me, you will always get an honest answer and I will try not to hurt anyone's feelings (other readers included) in the process of being honest. Some things are best talked about privately, and I am open to a pm conversation if you would like.

You have so much that you are dealing with and if you're like most of the women I know (myself included) it's hard to set aside 2 or 3 issues long enough to work on just one at a time. One of the many things I've learned in my life, it's that letting the jumble of issues swirl, just keeps me stuck. I have to address each one, recognizing how it plays into the others. It's like untangling a knot of threads or yarns, it seems so intertwined that you can't separate them, but by working on one color first, you find that some of the others straighten out a bit, until you can't do anything with that color and then you start working on the second color and that frees up more of the first as well as some of the others. Does that make sense?

I have no intention of addressing your husband's choices and actions, as I can't claim to understand the whole story, but there are a few things that you talked about that I hope my experiences in life can help you with. In order for you to know where I'm coming from, there are a couple of things you should know about me, that relate to where you're at right now, so I will include them at the beginning of each of the issues that I have any real experience with.

A) I am an over-comer of childhood sexual abuse and sexual assault. I say over-comer, because I have moved past victim and past survivor. I have over-come that horrible trauma and live a life that is no longer negatively affected by those experiences. I do have a tremendous amount of compassion for others who have gone through such soul shattering experiences and I hope to help others on their journey past victim and past survivor as well. I know countless other women who have also been traumatized by sexual assault. I know the stats say 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys, but I also know that's just the reported incidents. In my college dorm, it was more like 1 in 4 girls had not been abused or assaulted. You are not alone and there are some very caring people who are willing to be there for you on your journey. You can pm me if you want to talk about this any further, but I certainly understand the many many ways those experiences can effect relationships and not just the ones with your husband.

B) I gave birth to our 2 boys and each has impacted my hormones. I have always had PMS and hormonal issues that have only gotten worse as I've aged. I also have Seasonal Affective Depressive Disorder which means I have a lot of experience with the effects of depression. It took me years to accept that I needed a doctor's help to be able to overcome depression and now that I have, I am a better friend, better mother, and better wife. I have several friends whose hormones went haywire after having babies, as well. Based on what my husband tells me, I more had prepartum depression than postpartum depression, myself, but it does sound to me based on what I've learned from friends that you may be experiencing hormone related depression. There are some things you can try to improve that, which have helped myself and many of my friends: 1) Exercise, I mean get your heart rate up for at least 30 to 40 minutes straight. I don't mean work so hard that you're panting, but get your heart rate up. That's when endorphins and other brain boosting hormones are released by your body. If you can get motivated to do this 4 or more times a week, you will definitely see improvements. (That motivation part is the hardest thing about it for me.) 2) Seratonin is another brain booster/mood balancer. Your body produces it in bright light, so out in the sunshine. 3) Some foods and vitamins may be helpful as well, but there's a lot of research to do on that one. And of course, if all of those aren't helping you feel emotionally stable, there are things your doctor can recommend to help.

As far as coping with becoming a plural wife, I would defer to other ladies who have lived through that process, as we are only just preparing to talk to another lady about courtship.

I hope that my response helps you in some way. If something is unclear, feel free to ask more questions and I'll try to clarify. If something is too personal, feel free to pm me.
 
I feel I should put My 2 cents worth in here just as a suggestion. Both You nice ladies should check Your Iodine levels. Almost all people are iodine deficient. Men get by with low iodine levels without too much visible problems, but women have lots of problems when their iodine level is down, such as You have described. The Thyroid gland needs iodine to function properly. The Thyroid gland is the body's regulator of many body functions, and especially causes big problems for women when they're iodine deficient. Medical doctors will not tell you this, because they make their money off treating symptoms of iodine deficiency with poison chemicals, instead of just plain iodine. 3 or 4 drops of Lugols Iodine per day will change the whole character of most women who is having depression, and other problems that they think they have. You have to make the Lugols Iodine yourself, or take your chances. There's a very good Youtube on how to make and use Lugols Iodine. From many years experience, I know Natural Medicine works, but real Natural Medicine is hard to find.

Me,
 
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