General Let's talk Submission!

[julieb]

This post is so resonant with stuff that the men here are exploring at the moment. Would it be possible for me to have permission to share it with my husband? Many thanks. Kerry Young

Yes, even though you have to be a Female to post on this thread, it is still a public thread and can be viewed by everyone. Your husband can read it but just can't make any comments regarding.

 

[Bria]

I realized I never answered this about myself haha so I will do that now!

For those who don't know, I am a first wife and I didn't realize just how much I was brainwashed about the concept of what a woman should be like in this modern day world. I was lucky enough to have gotten close to a couple of families that displayed a version of biblical submission when I was a teenager and it seemed attractive to me so I thought I was already there since I wanted it, and thought since I enjoyed the concept I must have figured out how to be a submissive wife. My now husband and I talked about gender roles on our second date and everything seemed to line up and it all sounded good until after we got married. Now, in hindsight I didn't realize how much trauma I had until recently but it was crazy how I thought I held the golden answer to biblical submission simply because I desired it but obviously that is not how it works!

So fast forward 5 years of marriage, bible studies, prayer, raising children, and general conviction I thought I finally had a good understanding of it. How ever there was still tension in my marriage I expected him to do things for me and the way I wanted it done and I was disappointed when it didn't happen and vice versa, he kept telling me that "submission isn't doing something because you agree to it but doing something even if you don't agree to it with a good heart" and boy did I struggle with that concept! I would get upset when I would do something for him and I was like "I am submitting to you why aren't you happy!?!" all the while bitterness lived in my heart, along with contempt, and frustration for not being applauded for being "submissive". Whoops! I am thankful my husband is such a patient, loving man and still walked alongside me through all of this! Those growing pains though helped me and helped us to learn more about submission and what it shouldn't feel like or look like which I guess even though it was hard I am thankful for that.

Fast forward 2 more years after doing some intense therapy and realizing I grew up in the worst possible scenario and a very Godless view of life, love, and submission still lived with me and haunted me because of that. When I began working through all of that it allowed God to expose the lies and pour truth into me. As I prayed God would give me more guidance and wisdom around submission he followed through and lead me to share various verses and articles to my husband some that we actually found on here and some that I have held onto since I first dove into "What is Biblical Submission" which I think is leading me/us to the next chapter of our lives. Giving up control of my husband and actually respecting and submitting to his authority.

The last 9 months or so when the concept of plural and the realness of plural came into our lives really opened up my eyes and his eyes to God's design for a man and a woman/women in a household. I think the craziest adjustment to plural is letting go of the control over my husband I didn't know I *thought* I had and wanted. That lovely verse (Gen 3:16) around how women will desire to control/rule over their husband kept repeating in my head and it took me a while to understand that I was living like that.

Considering plural has exposed the selfishness I had towards my husband that was hiding in my heart and how much I had my talons wrapped around my husband which was not my intention, I didn't realize I was doing this and I have apologized to my husband over and over whenever I see myself mess up. It is just crazy though how in 10 years God has transformed my understanding of the way the world tries to twist and pervert submission and other *small* things that God designed for good in such quiet ways. The women I had learned about biblical submission from some of them did not have a kind, gentle heart, and you could see that there was bitterness behind it and most of them fell apart as time tested their marriage. Bitterness is what I had and I am still working through but learning about the other side of it has amazed me by how freeing releasing my path to my God and my husband is. Sometimes it is terrifying because I am still used to feeling like I am in "control" and that I need to be in control but alas I am not and I don't need to be, for I have two incredible protectors fighting for me and along side me.
It is so surreal to see me write these words, I never thought my journey would bring me here today and I am looking forward to experience the peace and joy God has in store for my family (we don't bicker as much and it is easier for me to just come along side him, he also has found himself finding me attractive when I have a submissive heart).

I am still figuring this all out honestly but I can say so far the freedom in submission God has been revealing to me has created more peace in my heart and helping me to seek and learn how to love and respect my husband no matter what and be at peace (mostly lol I am still a bit nervous) and submit to the possibility that he may bring home another woman someday. I do not want to be a foolish wife, I do not want to tear down my household but rather build it up.

My favorite go to verses are pretty much the same!

It's been a little over a year since I posted this and I wanted to give an update partially for my own records to see where I was and where I am now, and also just because .

When I wrote this I thought I had "arrived" and that my learning was almost over but I was wrong my husband has had several girlfriends since then, some that almost became wives but when he prayed that if she is "the next one" that God would make it happen or to end it and so far every time it has ended.

There was one lady who he dated that I had the most issues with, which was ironic because I introduced her to him and they clicked really well. However the more I learned about her the more uncomfortable and difficult things became for me. It was a true test of submission, this was one of my lowest points in our marriage I'd rather not go into details publicly here but if people are interested feel free to message me. During this season I kept asking "where did the joy and peace in submission go?" "Why am I feeling such strong repulsion towards following?" "Why is it so hard?" "Am I a failure as a wife?" "Why can't it just be easier? Lord, please make it easier!" This was about 6 months ago and I hated being a wife, I hated patriarchy, I hated submission and above all I hated myself for hating it all. I was so upset, riddled with guilt, stress, shame, disgust, distraught and I was stuck in this funk. It was not a fun time.

I would often pray and cry and ask for help. For the short version of this over time I started questioning if my disgust wasn't actually towards my husband and submission but towards God. I didn't even want to think or acknowledge that and over a month or so some of my friends pointed out that same observation, eventually I let myself feel the frustration and anger I had towards God for creating me to be a help meet and to be submissive which took those feelings off of my husband and I repented and prayed some more for help with changing my heart and believing (not just knowing) that submission in everything is what God wanted and is actually good, because it wasn't feeling very good.

Fast forward a few more months, long nights, healing from trauma and lies, more Bible studies and prayer. My husband brought up how he felt it was a good time for the both of us to go through "Created to Be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl. I was hesitant but followed, and oof that was rough lol I sobbed and felt anger again and just had so much hate, and confusion and it was so hard and emotionally draining. But God is faithful. He heard my cry and my intention has always been to please Him and I started to own that by following my husband I am serving the Lord. I also realized that my husband is doing his job by leading the household even when days are hard for him too so that was a helpful thing for me to know that he struggles with his role in this life too, he makes it look so easy and effortless. Which made me struggle with feeling like I was the only one who was struggling but I found that wasn't true and that was helpful.

So after working through the many girlfriends and insecurities and still parts of me wanting to control what my husband allows me to do and when lol and the journey of rewiring my thoughts, actions and reactions, getting to a stopping point in Created to Be His Helpmeet and lots more internal healing leads me to now.

I still don't think I have "arrived" yet when it comes to submission. I still struggle with it from time to time but it has gotten easier. My brain feels like it's still learning to adapt to God's way of life rather than the life I have learned to life this far. I do have more peace and it does come easier in some ways so praise God for that. I know I still have more to work through, so hopefully this is encouraging for those who are also on this walk.

So to sum it up, cling to Christ and your husband always. Be honest with your feelings and don't let shame and guilt keep you in the dark. God already knows what we are feeling, so hiding from Him just doesn't work lol shining light on it will though. I asked my husband one day when I was struggling to follow him "Why is it just so hard to be submissive" and he gently chuckled and said "because you're a broken person" and I chuckled back and said "yeah that's true" and it made me feel better and reminded me that there is grace and forgiveness and also a reason why it can be hard We live in a sinful world and we won't be perfect here but I will continue to pray that Jesus helps me to be more like Him. All of this was made possible because of our faithful Father and my wonderful husband who has been so patient with me as I learn and studying with me and helping me find answers and letting God use him to help me out as well. So that's my update. I'd love to hear others too if you feel so inclined. If anyone would like further clarification feel free to ask.

Thanks for reading

 

[julieb]

What an awesome update @Bria! The death of our old ways of thinking is such a difficult road, yet if we keep searching for God's best, as you have done, then freedom comes, and peace comes...even to the broken person. Praise God for that!

 

[Tamara]

There is a lot to process here, I have to admit that after what has happened with my late husband (above and beyond his death), I am actually realizing that I am terrified to submit to another man.

 

[Bria]

There is a lot to process here, I have to admit that after what has happened with my late husband (above and beyond his death), I am actually realizing that I am terrified to submit to another man.

It's funny (or something), after posting my last update I have been hit with submission trials, and it has been exhausting. Just when I felt like I made more progress I feel put to the test once again. I can only imagine what you must be feeling and going through. I am glad you are able to have this realization though. I will be praying for you!

 

[Tamara]

It's funny (or something), after posting my last update I have been hit with submission trials, and it has been exhausting. Just when I felt like I made more progress I feel put to the test once again. I can only imagine what you must be feeling and going through. I am glad you are able to have this realization though. I will be praying for you!

Thank you, a lot of good things happening by reading the forum today, helping me process and really take stock of where I am. Lots of tears flowing! I would have originally said that I was a lot farther along than I feel I am in dealing with grief and pain. No not really. A lot to sort through, but it's finally time.

 

[Bina]

It's been a little over a year since I posted this and I wanted to give an update partially for my own records to see where I was and where I am now, and also just because .

When I wrote this I thought I had "arrived" and that my learning was almost over but I was wrong my husband has had several girlfriends since then, some that almost became wives but when he prayed that if she is "the next one" that God would make it happen or to end it and so far every time it has ended.

There was one lady who he dated that I had the most issues with, which was ironic because I introduced her to him and they clicked really well. However the more I learned about her the more uncomfortable and difficult things became for me. It was a true test of submission, this was one of my lowest points in our marriage I'd rather not go into details publicly here but if people are interested feel free to message me. During this season I kept asking "where did the joy and peace in submission go?" "Why am I feeling such strong repulsion towards following?" "Why is it so hard?" "Am I a failure as a wife?" "Why can't it just be easier? Lord, please make it easier!" This was about 6 months ago and I hated being a wife, I hated patriarchy, I hated submission and above all I hated myself for hating it all. I was so upset, riddled with guilt, stress, shame, disgust, distraught and I was stuck in this funk. It was not a fun time.

I would often pray and cry and ask for help. For the short version of this over time I started questioning if my disgust wasn't actually towards my husband and submission but towards God. I didn't even want to think or acknowledge that and over a month or so some of my friends pointed out that same observation, eventually I let myself feel the frustration and anger I had towards God for creating me to be a help meet and to be submissive which took those feelings off of my husband and I repented and prayed some more for help with changing my heart and believing (not just knowing) that submission in everything is what God wanted and is actually good, because it wasn't feeling very good.

Fast forward a few more months, long nights, healing from trauma and lies, more Bible studies and prayer. My husband brought up how he felt it was a good time for the both of us to go through "Created to Be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl. I was hesitant but followed, and oof that was rough lol I sobbed and felt anger again and just had so much hate, and confusion and it was so hard and emotionally draining. But God is faithful. He heard my cry and my intention has always been to please Him and I started to own that by following my husband I am serving the Lord. I also realized that my husband is doing his job by leading the household even when days are hard for him too so that was a helpful thing for me to know that he struggles with his role in this life too, he makes it look so easy and effortless. Which made me struggle with feeling like I was the only one who was struggling but I found that wasn't true and that was helpful.

So after working through the many girlfriends and insecurities and still parts of me wanting to control what my husband allows me to do and when lol and the journey of rewiring my thoughts, actions and reactions, getting to a stopping point in Created to Be His Helpmeet and lots more internal healing leads me to now.

I still don't think I have "arrived" yet when it comes to submission. I still struggle with it from time to time but it has gotten easier. My brain feels like it's still learning to adapt to God's way of life rather than the life I have learned to life this far. I do have more peace and it does come easier in some ways so praise God for that. I know I still have more to work through, so hopefully this is encouraging for those who are also on this walk.

So to sum it up, cling to Christ and your husband always. Be honest with your feelings and don't let shame and guilt keep you in the dark. God already knows what we are feeling, so hiding from Him just doesn't work lol shining light on it will though. I asked my husband one day when I was struggling to follow him "Why is it just so hard to be submissive" and he gently chuckled and said "because you're a broken person" and I chuckled back and said "yeah that's true" and it made me feel better and reminded me that there is grace and forgiveness and also a reason why it can be hard We live in a sinful world and we won't be perfect here but I will continue to pray that Jesus helps me to be more like Him. All of this was made possible because of our faithful Father and my wonderful husband who has been so patient with me as I learn and studying with me and helping me find answers and letting God use him to help me out as well. So that's my update. I'd love to hear others too if you feel so inclined. If anyone would like further clarification feel free to ask.

Thanks for reading

Deliverance is edification for the one experiencing it and for those privy to the testimony. Much appreciated and thank you for sharing.