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Looking for Advice and Friends

K

Knives88

New Member
Hey!

My name is Jessica and my husband and I are relatively new to this lifestyle (about a year in) and he has been in a relationship with a potential sisterwife for about 5-6 months now. I have anxiety and depression, have had it all my life, and I am looking for advice from first wives and sister wives as to getting past jealousy and emotional responses to my husband being interested in someone else. I am really interested in this lifestyle and want to get past these issues because I see how happy it makes him and I want to share in that. I also do like the woman he is dating and am friends with her. I am also looking for friends that are in this lifestyle as I do not really have anyone I can talk to about this or that can relate to it. My e-mail is emerald_dragon@bellsouth.net and I also love to text so if you would like to, you can PM me and I will give you my number.

I appreciate any and all help and prayers. God Bless!
 
I can't give you advice because I'm dealing with same emotions and my husband does have a person in mind yet. We are just starting out and I have had a couple of horrid weeks dealing with these emotions so all I have to offer is friendship.
 
Hello Jessica,
I'm sort of in the same boat, that I can't really give you any advice. My husband and I use this forum to connect with other believers, and while we believe that poly marriages can be Biblical - the Lord hasn't directed us to that choice. But I did feel like I wanted to mention that I grew up with depression and lived with it for almost all my life. It was only about a year or a year and a half now that I've been freed from it. It was an unending and relentless struggle against depression and bad thoughts that I could hardly stand. I just recently posted about my experiance with depression and deliverance on another tread and I think that I'll just copy and paste what I wrote concerning the depression:

We listen to a lot of Derek Prince's teachings and the ones that have really blessed my life are his teachings on deliverance and how to recognize and expel demons. I realize that this is not really a topic that is widely talked about, or smiled upon in most churches. And I used to be one of those people that thought all that supernatural stuff throughout the Bible must have somehow ended once the last words were written in the New Testament, (although I was supernaturally saved from drowning - cognitive dissonance for sure.) But I've been freed of my own afflicting spirit and now am fully convinced that demons are still out and about today afflicting who they will. I was relieved of a spirit of depression that nearly ruined me except that I held onto Psalm 27:13 "I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living." Even in the worst of it, (and it was bad!) I tried to just hold onto that the Lord couldn't have created me just to be saved from drowning to live a life of this suffering. That I would be relieved while I was alive, if I could just hold on. He gave my husband, Slumberfreeze, the answer when Slumber was freed from a demon that was afflicting him. He was listening to a radio show where they were talking about deliverance from demons and Slumber wanted freedom and took what they were saying to heart and received relief and helped me find the same freedom from depression. When I was in high school my parents tried having me go through therapists to be relieved but it didn't help. The only thing that helped was having someone use the authority of Jesus Christ to tell the demon of depression that was afflicting me that by Jesus' blood it had no authority and to get out.

So that is the truth that was given to us, and the freedom we've both received has been the best. I will pray the best for you, and God bless you too! =)
 
Insecurity and Jealousy issues are different and yet similar for every lady coming into plural marriage. It is not just for the first wives! Keep that in mind when you start becoming more serious with someone. First, I would encourage you to do a Biblical study on jealousy. I think you will be surprised at what you find. The World and even the church teaches us that jealousy is something we have a “right” to. That we are a weak women if we aren’t jealous about our husbands. The Bible teaches a much different view about jealousy and walking in it. Worldly jealousy is a destructive mindset that comes from the Devil to destroy our families. I believe that both jealousy and insecurity stem from some fear in our heart. It is most likely a fear that needs to be acknowledged and told to leave. The only way to make it leave is to replace it with what truly is the truth about that fear. So, you might want to set aside some time with the Lord and ask him what you are most afraid of in regards to having your husband love another woman and plural marriage. Write down the answers so you can go back and reread them. Then, write down what the truth regarding that fear is. If you don’t know what the “truth” is then ask your husband what he believes about your fear. I suspect he will shed some light on it. Then go to the Word and ask God to show you what truth you should be walking in instead of this fear you walk in now. These are not easy things and it takes time for your mind and heart to fully embrace what God would say to you but if you are willing to face them you will be a stronger person at the end and isn’t that really the point. I think most ladies here would agree that if we are honest, the struggles we have with plural marriage have little to do with the other woman but it has more to do with what God is doing in our own scared, lie believing heart. Plural marriage is just God’s vehicle of shining a light on the things that keep us bound so that we can unbind them from our hearts and be used for his Glory like never before. Don’t let the World’s standards of marriage and relationships define what God has created and blessed. You loving and making a safe place for someone who doesn’t have that, is an amazing gift you have the ability to give.

Will be praying for you Jessica, with hope for the future, Julie
 
Julie, that truth just struck a chord in me. What a clear way to say what I intangibly thought about jealousy and insecurity.
 
Thank all of you, I am so touched that you guys are reaching out to me, it means a lot. And Julie you are amazing, I had not thought about that aspect of it and it rings with a lot of truth. I am doing a lot better now, still have some areas to work on, mainly just with intimacy between them. But I have been reading a lot and learning a lot to debunk the way I was taught to think of these things. I am taking things a day at a time and having in depth conversations about what I have learned with my hubby and we have kept a round table approach as we have our whole lives. This community is such a blessing and so full of love and I am glad to say that I am a part of it and getting more closer to where I want to be every day.

God Bless you wonderful ladies!!
 
I am so glad it helped, Knives88. I am also glad to hear you are doing better. I certainly understand that the physical part is difficult. It takes a real shift in our mindset to “see” the correctness about OUR husband being intimate with another woman. For Heaven’s sake we have been fighting against that since puberty! Well, I propose a thought about this, what if our husband cheated on us for six months and we didn’t know about it. Now, some ladies like to say they would just know but I suspect that most men are very capable of hiding their cheating and being totally the same in bed with the wife at home. (After all, they do have the ability to focus solely on the women they are with.) The wife does not feel less loved when the husband is home, of course I am assuming he is trying to keep both relationships going, but then once the wife finds out he is cheating she is devastated! Knowing somehow changes all the past intimate moments with her husband but actually it didn’t, it is just the way she FEELS about the past that has changed. The World (and even the church) has certainly warped intimacy out of its Godly shape, so we must search the Bible to find out what true intimacy is and how men and women should practice it. Ask your husband about what he feels deep in his soul about caring for several women. It should be very interesting. Having plural relationships is not a perverse thing if done under covenant, under lifetime love and commitment. It is very similar to how we as mothers love each of our children, is it not? We would think it silly if our first born would tell us not to have any more children because he would feel less loved. We as parents can see all the benefits having siblings will bring to him but he is just focused on himself. Just as we would help our first born understand the benefits of siblings, we need to let God help us see the benefits of growing our families as He would direct.

I hope I have explained my thought well enough. I am not trying to dismiss your struggle because I know it is one. I am just asking you to look at that struggle in a different way. This is a very complicated subject and there is always more to be said about it. I hope other ladies will chime in too. Also, please feel free to PM me with any questions.

Glorygirl, glad it helped you too. I want to hear more of your thoughts about it. :-)

With hope for the future
 
Hi Jessica!
I don't really have anything advice wise to add, other then try and be patient with yourself, and don't beat yourself up on a day when your tired, or life seems hard.
I used to get depressed as a teen, and learned over the years to recognize the contributing factors (like fatigue, and lack of sleep) and keep myself from getting pulled down into negative emotions and thought patterns.
So take care of yourself. It sounds like you have a good husband who loves you. Focus on the blessings in your life, and then the problems tend to shrink to manageable size.

Julie did a beautiful job of expressing the heart and mind of a poly believing Christian wife. I have no experience living "poly," but hope someday to be so blessed as to have a co-wife in the family.

Please consider me a friend. I look forward to getting to know you!

Jolene
 
Hey Jolene!

Thanks! I actually met you on 4thefamily.org!! I definitely look forward to getting to know you more!
 
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