Support My husband wants to take a second wife

[PAMama32]

Hello ladies,
My husband has recently expressed to me his desire to take a 2nd wife. I am having such a hard time with this information. I feel betrayed, angry, incredibly sad, and just worthless quite honestly. I know my husband loves me because he tells me and shows me that he does. The past 2-3 years have been the best in our marriage, we are close friends and really have strengthened our relationship. So to hear this news blindsided me. He says he wants to include me in the process of seeking a second wife and be completely open and transparent with me which I find very honorable but I just can’t get past these feelings of heartache and betrayal. I feel like I’m not enough for him and I don’t feel that I have value if he feels the need for another woman. Also I am incredibly nervous as to what a household with a 2nd wife would be like. Would he love her more? Would he find her more attractive? Fun? Desirable? Would he begin to treat me differently? Would he start to push me away? I have so many fears and just overall this overwhelming hurt. I am just beginning to understand that plural marriage isn’t something that God has outlawed but I also know that it isn’t a mandate either. It’s just hard for me not to feel like I’m not special, like I’m someone who is easily replaced, duplicated or upgraded. I just have this constant feeling of not having value. I have literally cried every day since hearing this news. I can’t get through the day without falling apart and sobbing. What makes it even worse is that I’m pregnant with our 4th child so that feeling of inadequacy is so large. How do you ladies cope with these feelings? Does it ever get better? Do I have the option to leave him if I choose to? Please no rude comments, I’m just a woman pouring out her heart and seeking to be heard by women who understand and possibly have been in my shoes. Thanks!

 

[FollowingHim2]

Hi PAMama32.

First of all, I'd like to welcome you to Biblical Families. We have a ladies chat on Monday nights, 7.30pm Eastern time. You are most welcome to join us. There are many women that come on there that do not comment on the forum.

Secondly, you've written a very brave post. Well done! It has taken a lot of courage for you to take this step and put out how you're feeling to complete strangers. Know that we are here to talk, and to help, and to guide where needed.

The past 2-3 years have been the best in our marriage, we are close friends and really have strengthened our relationship.

This is why he wants another wife.
It has nothing to do with you not being enough in any way whatsoever. I think that's the first thought we jump to because as women we just cannot understand it. Why on earth would a man want another wife? I mean, for the life of us, we could not imagine wanting another husband, right? So it leads us back to not being enough, and that's just not true. Don't let those feelings fester, they're lies from the enemy.

But let me explain what I meant above about why he wants another wife.

When you had your first child, they were your everything. The love that you have for them was so strong. And they brought you so much delight! You watched them grow, taught them, laughed with them, danced with them. There were difficult times too, when they needed to be disciplined and they were naughty and they got into the flour and spread it around the kitchen, or flooded the house...(ahem, I may be speaking from experience here....).

Why did you choose to have a second child? Because you loved your first so very much. Because they brought you so much joy. Because you had so much more love to give. Because you knew it would be good for your first child to have a sibling to play with. Because you wanted to see another child grow and learn and laugh and cry.

You didn't look at your first child and think, oh they make too much mess, I need another child to clean it up. Oh they're no good at music, I need another child to be able to play the piano. Oh that first child isn't nearly good enough, I need another child to make up their shortfalls.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

It's because you're so wonderful, and so special, and that you've shown your husband how wonderful marriage can be that he wants to take another wife. Because wives are a blessing, just like children are.

Your husband loves you very much, and he is being very caring in how he is wanting to go about this with you. It's ok to tell him you need some time to get your head wrapped around this. It does take time. Reaching out in this post is your beginning in getting your head wrapped around the whole thing. The beginning means the start of a path, a journey. You have much in front of you, and it will stretch you, but it is so worth it, I promise you that.

You are pregnant right now, and that makes feelings and emotions so much stronger. It can be hard to know what feelings are normal and what are blown up because of hormones. You also need time because of this.

And speaking of pregnancy, congratulations! Like I said above, children are such a wonderful blessing. I have 7 myself, and I count them all a joy, even when they flood the house .

 

[WifeOfHisYouth]

Welcome to the forum!
As I read your post, it is as if you wrote the thoughts I had in my head, in the beginning, exactly. I’ve been there, I’ve felt those feelings, I’ve cried those tears (and lots of them!) Also, like you, I have been blessed with a man that has loved me through it and SHOWN me over and over again that those fears are not needed. You are loved and will never be replaceable in his heart. Can he love more, sure, but you are you and he needs you along side him, too. It’s taken me a long time to understand and accept that. It takes time to wrap your mind around this, and it’s ok to walk through the ups and downs it will bring, but if you are willing to walk it with your husband, you will become a stronger woman from it, your marriage will be stronger and your family will be stronger (even if you never add another.) Is it an easy journey? Heck no! It’s the hardest I’ve ever faced, BUT the growth in my life, the things I’ve worked through in my heart and the marriage we have now- if I had to choose to go back to the “before the plural marriage conversation” vs where I am at today, I would pick today.

Does it ever get better?

Yes, it does- in time.

I have walked through 3 pregnancies while in our journey of understanding and seeking plural marriage. I can understand the additional fears and emotions that come along with that.

If nothing else, today, just know you are not alone and there are other women that have walked where you are at, too.

I’m happy to chat with you more if you just need someone to talk with, vent to, or virtually give you a hug, as someone who has been in your shoes.

 

[julieb]

Welcome PAMama32! We are so glad you found us. The very purpose of this site is to support ladies just like you. I pray that you will begin to be encouraged after reading postings here and looking into the Resources listed on the Home page. I encourage your husband to become a member and reach out to the men on this site, also. I firmly believe the journey of understanding and/or living Biblical plural marriage is made a lot easier by support from like-minded folks. So don't be shy!

The ladies above have said many true and good things, may you take the time to really think about all they have said. Blessings to you.

 

[MeganC]

Hi PAMama32 and welcome!

I'd write something but what FollowingHim2 wrote in response to you is really awesome. You will be in my prayers that God's will is done!

Megan

 

[Sonshine]

Hello, PAMama!

I just wanted to say how closely your circumstances resemble my own. My husband and I were also really close friends before poly came up. It’s weird because I remember him telling me how it’s BECAUSE we had such a great relationship that he wanted another… very much like what @FollowingHim2 said. We feel that way about kids, men feel that way about wives. I’ve realized I may never be able to REALLY understand it, because my husband is all I want for marriage—but, that’s okay. We’re just different and that’s something I had (sometimes still do) to wrap my mind around.

Anyway, I’ve been with my husband for 18 years, the last 4 of those he’s had another wife. Let me just say, I know it’s difficult. But, you CAN get through it. And if you EVER need to chat, I’d be more than happy to be a listening ear.

 

[Delta]

First, Hey and welcome!

second, oh my goodness, I feel like I could have written this myself. I read your post the other night but wanted to take some time and respond later.

The feelings you have expressed - betrayal, anger, sadness, and worthless, inadequacy. Along with the thoughts you've had, about him being more attracted to her, her being more fun and desirable, him treating you differently, not wanting you as much. Ive felt every single one. but here is the catch, it was actually me who brought this up as a possibility for our marriage to see how he would feel about it. It began as a totally hypothetical conversation and we are still talking two years later. Your feelings are totally normal and expected. Not to mention that you are pregnant, so if you're anything like I was, your emotions are already naturally heightened. From what your saying, his intentions are news to you, but more than likely this is something that has been on his mind and has weighed heavily with him. Change often doesn't come easily. It truly sounds like you are grieving the loss of what you thought marriage would be like, how your life would be, what you saw happening.

You are special, unique and your relationship is as well. Which, your relationship seems pretty solid if he was comfortable enough to bring up PM with you. I thought of the bible story where Jesus left the 99 sheep to go after the one. Even if/when he does decide to add to your family, you cant duplicate what you two have, how you have grown together and the bond that you two have. Even IF they do get to a similar point, it will never be the exact same. You have something that they dont - history.

How do you cope with these feelings? I remind myself that these feelings stem from MY insecurities and often I think worst case scenario and likely has little or no reflection on his actual actions. Some of these feelings pop up in my (presently) monogamous relationship, why wouldn't they in PM.
Does it ever get better? Two years later, I think so. Two key things for me has been 1. conversations with my husband about how he/we would handle different situations, and what our ideal home set up would look like etc. talking about the practical life stuff. and 2. time.

 

[Mrs.HisPossession]

Hi PAMama32.

First of all, I'd like to welcome you to Biblical Families. We have a ladies chat on Monday nights, 7.30pm Eastern time. You are most welcome to join us. There are many women that come on there that do not comment on the forum.

Secondly, you've written a very brave post. Well done! It has taken a lot of courage for you to take this step and put out how you're feeling to complete strangers. Know that we are here to talk, and to help, and to guide where needed.


This is why he wants another wife.
It has nothing to do with you not being enough in any way whatsoever. I think that's the first thought we jump to because as women we just cannot understand it. Why on earth would a man want another wife? I mean, for the life of us, we could not imagine wanting another husband, right? So it leads us back to not being enough, and that's just not true. Don't let those feelings fester, they're lies from the enemy.

But let me explain what I meant above about why he wants another wife.

When you had your first child, they were your everything. The love that you have for them was so strong. And they brought you so much delight! You watched them grow, taught them, laughed with them, danced with them. There were difficult times too, when they needed to be disciplined and they were naughty and they got into the flour and spread it around the kitchen, or flooded the house...(ahem, I may be speaking from experience here....).

Why did you choose to have a second child? Because you loved your first so very much. Because they brought you so much joy. Because you had so much more love to give. Because you knew it would be good for your first child to have a sibling to play with. Because you wanted to see another child grow and learn and laugh and cry.

You didn't look at your first child and think, oh they make too much mess, I need another child to clean it up. Oh they're no good at music, I need another child to be able to play the piano. Oh that first child isn't nearly good enough, I need another child to make up their shortfalls.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

It's because you're so wonderful, and so special, and that you've shown your husband how wonderful marriage can be that he wants to take another wife. Because wives are a blessing, just like children are.

Your husband loves you very much, and he is being very caring in how he is wanting to go about this with you. It's ok to tell him you need some time to get your head wrapped around this. It does take time. Reaching out in this post is your beginning in getting your head wrapped around the whole thing. The beginning means the start of a path, a journey. You have much in front of you, and it will stretch you, but it is so worth it, I promise you that.

You are pregnant right now, and that makes feelings and emotions so much stronger. It can be hard to know what feelings are normal and what are blown up because of hormones. You also need time because of this.

And speaking of pregnancy, congratulations! Like I said above, children are such a wonderful blessing. I have 7 myself, and I count them all a joy, even when they flood the house .

This is the best, most honest, and heartwarming response ever! You touched on so many issues that we all feel in polygyny. Even those like me who support it. I think it's natural for all women to feel this way when their husband first starts taking another wife. Your post made me laugh and almost cry. So sweet.

 

[fadi]

I’m late replying this but I will say consider yourself blessed that your husband is telling you he’s considering taking on another wife. Some women don’t have that privilege.My husband never told me, and I was pregnant. He told me he was bringing her into our home after I gave birth, and i wasn’t given an option to accept it or reject it, I went through the fire and back. Does it ever get better, yes it does. My husband’s wife and I are not close, honestly we hardly talk but she helps me with my children and she cooks most of the times so I have benefitted from having her join the family, but it’s still hard. There will always be positives and negatives I suppose.

 

[StudentofHim2]

Hello, PAMama!

I just wanted to say how closely your circumstances resemble my own. My husband and I were also really close friends before poly came up. It’s weird because I remember him telling me how it’s BECAUSE we had such a great relationship that he wanted another… very much like what @FollowingHim2 said. We feel that way about kids, men feel that way about wives. I’ve realized I may never be able to REALLY understand it, because my husband is all I want for marriage—but, that’s okay. We’re just different and that’s something I had (sometimes still do) to wrap my mind around.

Anyway, I’ve been with my husband for 18 years, the last 4 of those he’s had another wife. Let me just say, I know it’s difficult. But, you CAN get through it. And if you EVER need to chat, I’d be more than happy to be a listening ear.

Thank you so much for explaining it like this, it has helped me so much!

 

[StudentofHim2]

Thank you so much for posting this! The way you explained how you feel helped me put my emotions into words. Thank you to @FollowingHim2 and @Sonshine, your explanations have really helped me as well!

Hello ladies,
My husband has recently expressed to me his desire to take a 2nd wife. I am having such a hard time with this information. I feel betrayed, angry, incredibly sad, and just worthless quite honestly. I know my husband loves me because he tells me and shows me that he does. The past 2-3 years have been the best in our marriage, we are close friends and really have strengthened our relationship. So to hear this news blindsided me. He says he wants to include me in the process of seeking a second wife and be completely open and transparent with me which I find very honorable but I just can’t get past these feelings of heartache and betrayal. I feel like I’m not enough for him and I don’t feel that I have value if he feels the need for another woman. Also I am incredibly nervous as to what a household with a 2nd wife would be like. Would he love her more? Would he find her more attractive? Fun? Desirable? Would he begin to treat me differently? Would he start to push me away? I have so many fears and just overall this overwhelming hurt. I am just beginning to understand that plural marriage isn’t something that God has outlawed but I also know that it isn’t a mandate either. It’s just hard for me not to feel like I’m not special, like I’m someone who is easily replaced, duplicated or upgraded. I just have this constant feeling of not having value. I have literally cried every day since hearing this news. I can’t get through the day without falling apart and sobbing. What makes it even worse is that I’m pregnant with our 4th child so that feeling of inadequacy is so large. How do you ladies cope with these feelings? Does it ever get better? Do I have the option to leave him if I choose to? Please no rude comments, I’m just a woman pouring out her heart and seeking to be heard by women who understand and possibly have been in my shoes. Thanks!

 

[primrose]

Thank you so much for posting this! The way you explained how you feel helped me put my emotions into words. Thank you to @FollowingHim2 and @Sonshine, your explanations have really helped me as well!

I am the one who brought the discussion up to my husband and even I go through the same emotions at times. I often vacillate between being supportive and totally okay then out of nowhere, a rush of emotional “what have I done?!! Am I out of my mind?!!” begins to spiral. What helps is keeping the big picture in mind and staying connected with ladies who’ve been there, done that and have insights that bring me back down to earth Glad to see the ladies’ encouragement have been helpful for you as well.

 

[StudentofHim2]

I am the one who brought the discussion up to my husband and even I go through the same emotions at times. I often vacillate between being supportive and totally okay then out of nowhere, a rush of emotional “what have I done?!! Am I out of my mind?!!” begins to spiral. What helps is keeping the big picture in mind and staying connected with ladies who’ve been there, done that and have insights that bring me back down to earth Glad to see the ladies’ encouragement have been helpful for you as well.

My emotions get the same way! I have a good talk about it and my emotions start to calm down, then the next week I’m really torn up about it! Thank you for your reply and advice! Something that has helped me is to picture it with someone I already know and trust. When I imagine what it would be like with someone I don’t know it’s a lot harder. I am so very blessed with a husband who has told me he won’t go out and bring in a second wife without my knowledge and that he wants a second wife that I would get along with and have a good relationship with!

 

[primrose]

My emotions get the same way! I have a good talk about it and my emotions start to calm down, then the next week I’m really torn up about it! Thank you for your reply and advice! Something that has helped me is to picture it with someone I already know and trust. When I imagine what it would be like with someone I don’t know it’s a lot harder. I am so very blessed with a husband who has told me he won’t go out and bring in a second wife without my knowledge and that he wants a second wife that I would get along with and have a good relationship with!

Yes! Oh so true!

 

[Leslie Pease]

I realize I'm very late in responding but I figured if any other women are wanting to read about how to deal with their husbands taking another wife this might be helpful.

I too completely relate to your feelings of not feeling valuable. But I've come to realize that feeling are liars most of the time and distort what the truth actually is in a situation and bring everything way out of perspective. Did your husband actually tell you the reason why he wants to take another wife? I realized that when my husband took another wife I stopped trusting him because of America's views on marriage that were sown in me, I felt betrayed(even though I agreed to it). When he tells you why he wants another wife, trust him that he means what he says and quit adding other things into his reasons. Dont worry about the what ifs and just be the best wife you can be right now. In the end if you keep trying to be a wife the way the scripture tells you to, your own marriage will continue to keep growing and becoming better. We must follow the guidelines that God has laid out for marriage and trust our husbands to run their own households with the authority that was given to them by God. In turn, us as wives must strive to help our husbands accomplish anything they would desire to do to the best of our abilities as we are to be helpmates to them, helping them(in submission to them) accomplish all the tasks they wish to accomplish in life.

 

[Meritxell Vinyet]

I realize I'm very late in responding but I figured if any other women are wanting to read about how to deal with their husbands taking another wife this might be helpful.

I too completely relate to your feelings of not feeling valuable. But I've come to realize that feeling are liars most of the time and distort what the truth actually is in a situation and bring everything way out of perspective. Did your husband actually tell you the reason why he wants to take another wife? I realized that when my husband took another wife I stopped trusting him because of America's views on marriage that were sown in me, I felt betrayed(even though I agreed to it). When he tells you why he wants another wife, trust him that he means what he says and quit adding other things into his reasons. Dont worry about the what ifs and just be the best wife you can be right now. In the end if you keep trying to be a wife the way the scripture tells you to, your own marriage will continue to keep growing and becoming better. We must follow the guidelines that God has laid out for marriage and trust our husbands to run their own households with the authority that was given to them by God. In turn, us as wives must strive to help our husbands accomplish anything they would desire to do to the best of our abilities as we are to be helpmates to them, helping them(in submission to them) accomplish all the tasks they wish to accomplish in life.

You write really eloquently. I'm a lot younger than my husband so my path has never been towards trying to get into a "couple" scenario. I've got my own path and my husband has his. The man in our lives has explored scripture and these lofty themes a lot more- my thoughts are more attached to the idea of how I can contribute to making the world better- exploring my abilities, keeping healthy and helping people around me. It seems first wives can easily be tempted to try to stop the flow of life- which isn't good for anyone's mental health. If a husband is a good man and a first wife look for friends that lift your spirit, i'm sure any lady will find a new realationship with their loved ones quite liberating.

 

[Leslie Pease]

Meritxell Vinyet
I'm curious if you have scripture to support your views of how marriage should work? How does your husband see how your marriage should work, is it contrary to your own? And do you mind me asking if you are a first or second wife? Or possibly 3rd? Forgive me if I'm being too forward with my questions, I guess I just would like understand where you are coming from in this view point

 

[Meritxell Vinyet]

Meritxell Vinyet
I'm curious if you have scripture to support your views of how marriage should work? How does your husband see how your marriage should work, is it contrary to your own? And do you mind me asking if you are a first or second wife? Or possibly 3rd? Forgive me if I'm being too forward with my questions, I guess I just would like understand where you are coming from in this view point

Thanks for chatting. I'm very much a second wife- I entered the relationship just as a secondary partner to a man well established in life, not really wanting to partner up with anyone- but I got more involved, and now we are a home. I'm in Madrid, Spain- and connecting with yourselves because I feel the people on this site a like-minded and have similar challenges and advantages. I am new to religion so I approach this site with humility, because I know that you good people know a lot more. Hope I have answered a little and thanks for asking

 

[Leslie Pease]

Thanks for chatting. I'm very much a second wife- I entered the relationship just as a secondary partner to a man well established in life, not really wanting to partner up with anyone- but I got more involved, and now we are a home. I'm in Madrid, Spain- and connecting with yourselves because I feel the people on this site a like-minded and have similar challenges and advantages. I am new to religion so I approach this site with humility, because I know that you good people know a lot more. Hope I have answered a little and thanks for asking

Well it's always great to hear about a new believer coming to Christ! I'm glad you found this site. I pray that the Holy Spirit will teach you all things(John 14:26) and you can learn more and more about how God created marriage to be and that your marriage with your husband would be blessed by you following the Lord closer and closer.