Hey Ladies. I need some advice on how to deal with an issue with my SW. A bit of history first to help you understand my dilemma. Hubby and I have 4 kids between us (neither of us ever refer to our kids or gr'kids as "Step") and 9 gr'kids (ranging in age from 17 years to 6 months). We have always had rules in place for how we expect the gr'kids to behave when they are in our home. And for the most part they have all been adhered to and we haven't had a great deal of trouble enforcing them. I've usually been the one who has "barked" at the kids to keep them in line. At the end of August our oldest daughter's 8 year B-friend took his life and she and her 4 kids (17, 16, 12 and 6 months) moved in with us. During this time Hubby and SW were still in the courting stage and their wedding was planned for 3 days after the tragedy.Obviously they postponed. (But they did manage to have their ceremony in September. YAY!!) I realize the kids are all grieving and that all their "normal" is gone. I'm not trying to be a hard ass here. In the last month and a half it seems that they'd all "forgotten" all of our house rules. No food or drinks upstairs, put it back where you found it, put your shoes in the "shoe place', just to name a few. Really just common sense stuff that they've been taught to do and suddenly don't do. I sat them down and let them know that the rules were still in place and that there would be consequences for their actions if they didn't get back with the program. Now here's the problem. My SW is going behind them and picking up, putting things back where they belong, and I've asked her nicely to stop doing it. Telling her that she was enabling their 'off" behavior. Hubby has explained to her the way things have always run around here. But she continues to do it. I know that she's doing it at least partly to protect my sanity. And I appreciate that. However I need the kids to be respectful of the things we've already instilled in them. I guess now that I'm putting it out for other people it's as much a gr'kid issue as it is a SW issue. Help!! I could really use some words of wisdom here.
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Need a bit of advice.
- Thread starter melmacrhon
- Start date
Wow what a hard situation to be in. Pray and pray a lot is my first advice. After that my advice is to let your Hubby know what's going on and let him figure out how to handle it. He can't solve a problem he doesn't know exists, so make him aware and then let it go as best as you can. If he already knows then I would suggest just doing the best you can without conflict. Keep giving consequences to the kids as you can. But ultimately you aren't responsible for making her stop, or the behavior the kids may developed with SW's intervention. Those are other people's jobs, and you can only be responsible for the things that are within your power and are your job.
[QUOTE Those are other people's jobs, and you can only be responsible for the things that are within your power and are your job.[/QUOTE]
I guess the " your job" is part of my problem. I take great pride in making sure our home is clean and clutter free- guess I'm more than a bit of a neat freak-. Keeping the gr'kids on track has always been my job. It's really driving me nuts. I have prayed and continue to do so. I've also started to go out to our exercise room ( it's a room attached to our garage) and climb on the elliptical when I get frustrated with SW and the gr'kids. I'm not sure if that qualifies as running away or avoidance, but, it makes me feel better.
I guess the " your job" is part of my problem. I take great pride in making sure our home is clean and clutter free- guess I'm more than a bit of a neat freak-. Keeping the gr'kids on track has always been my job. It's really driving me nuts. I have prayed and continue to do so. I've also started to go out to our exercise room ( it's a room attached to our garage) and climb on the elliptical when I get frustrated with SW and the gr'kids. I'm not sure if that qualifies as running away or avoidance, but, it makes me feel better.
I guess the " your job" is part of my problem. I take great pride in making sure our home is clean and clutter free- guess I'm more than a bit of a neat freak-. Keeping the gr'kids on track has always been my job. It's really driving me nuts. I have prayed and continue to do so. I've also started to go out to our exercise room ( it's a room attached to our garage) and climb on the elliptical when I get frustrated with SW and the gr'kids. I'm not sure if that qualifies as running away or avoidance, but, it makes me feel better.[/QUOTE]
I’m curious, where is their mom in this? Is her example leading them? Perhaps addressing the Mom would benefit all, maybe a family (adult) meeting? I know how these things escalate and relationships can become damaged. It’s a hard place to be, consult your husband. This may be a thing you have to follow his leadership on and let go of ideals.
Praying for a peaceful outcome.
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I guess the " your job" is part of my problem. I take great pride in making sure our home is clean and clutter free- guess I'm more than a bit of a neat freak-. Keeping the gr'kids on track has always been my job. It's really driving me nuts. I have prayed and continue to do so. I've also started to go out to our exercise room ( it's a room attached to our garage) and climb on the elliptical when I get frustrated with SW and the gr'kids. I'm not sure if that qualifies as running away or avoidance, but, it makes me feel better.[/QUOTE]
I get it. I have a hard time managing my own "jobs" and trying not to interfere with others "jobs". I'm not fighting you by any means, just merely observing that you said you take pride in the home being clean. It could mean nothing but I thought maybe it would be helpful to point out that word and see if that might be a deeper root to this then it may appear.
I very much favor a clean and clutter free home as well, but at what cost are you willing to to hold onto that? Is it worth your inner peace? And having to trudge down this path? And of course the answer could be either yes or no and be right. It's just a matter of deciding how much you are willing to pay for it. And also it's worth considering if a clean home is your preference or whether it's an assigned job from your husband. In other words, a job you've taken on that is unassigned and simply just a burden to yourself. We all have preferences for how we would like things to run, but at least for me I've had to learn that sometimes I have to release my preferences for the peace of all instead of the comfort of myself.
This is also an interesting consideration. You could perhaps bring it up to the mom, but also just be aware of what that may cost as well. It's hard to say how people grieve and why people are reacting the way they are. The hard truth of it may be that the mom and kids are just barely keeping their heads above water in the wake of this tragedy and hearing how shoes aren't put away properly at your house may be a wound that will be hard to hear or feel sympathetic towards. I'm not trying to belittle your feelings at all, just trying to make you aware that if you do broach this with their mom it may be slightly insulting from their point of view.
Speak to your hubby, let him lead. That way you don't accidentally make a misstep trying to solve your injury by creating a new one.
Let me preface this with I agree with the other ladies. Speak with your husband. Let him guide. Pray and follow your heart.
I have a very dear friend that lost her son last November. It has been just shy of a year and the family is just now coming back to a mostly normal. Loss hits people in so many different ways. Grief can be deep it can be surface only, it can be anger it can be depression, it can be denile, and deep fear. Those are just a few emotions that I have seen her and her family go through. I am sure they are all grieving and I am sure it is so very difficult. Sometimes it’s hard as someone looking in to understand it all. I have been so frustrated some times with my friend. I would think. Gah!!! Get up!! Do your dishes, play with your kids, eat something. But she just couldn’t. She had to have others do her dishes and play with her kids and put a plate of food in front of her. Cause even looking in the fridge thinking of what to cook was too much. Maybe putting away shoes is that for your gk.
I am so sorry that your family has to go through this. I know how difficult it is to have a death in the family. And, I know how difficult it is to see your loved ones not just jump back to themselves after it. I think going and riding the elliptical is a great idea. It clears your mind and gets you back into a calm space. I pray for all of you at this time.
I have a very dear friend that lost her son last November. It has been just shy of a year and the family is just now coming back to a mostly normal. Loss hits people in so many different ways. Grief can be deep it can be surface only, it can be anger it can be depression, it can be denile, and deep fear. Those are just a few emotions that I have seen her and her family go through. I am sure they are all grieving and I am sure it is so very difficult. Sometimes it’s hard as someone looking in to understand it all. I have been so frustrated some times with my friend. I would think. Gah!!! Get up!! Do your dishes, play with your kids, eat something. But she just couldn’t. She had to have others do her dishes and play with her kids and put a plate of food in front of her. Cause even looking in the fridge thinking of what to cook was too much. Maybe putting away shoes is that for your gk.
I am so sorry that your family has to go through this. I know how difficult it is to have a death in the family. And, I know how difficult it is to see your loved ones not just jump back to themselves after it. I think going and riding the elliptical is a great idea. It clears your mind and gets you back into a calm space. I pray for all of you at this time.
Thank you Ladies for giving me some other ways to look at this. I realize they are all still grieving and that picking up dirty socks may seem low on their priority list. Our daughter, the Mom, is doing her best. 10 years ago her husband was killed and it took her a good year to even be able to function, so this tragedy is not only crappy on it's own but has brought all that back to her as well. She spends most of her time in her bedroom with the baby. She will be starting a new job Nov. 1st and I know that will be helpful for her. I'm not trying to "split hairs" here, but the kids seem to be okay for the most part. They're going to school, making new friends, doing their normal thing.I guess that's why it's so irritating to me that they can't do the normal things they've always been expected to do here. I get it that our home is their safe space. We have been the one consistent thing in their lives, we've lived in this house all their lives, the continuity of knowing things are familiar for them and always the same here is a big deal to them. And I know that our safe space is a place where they (we, I) don't have to be on their best behavior. Hubby is a great leader with one exception. He hates confrontation of any sort. He would rather do it- whatever "IT" may be- himself than possibly hurt someones feelings by asking them to do it. I'm not sure where he got the idea that asking someone to do something they should do as hurting their feelings, but, that's how he thinks.
[QUOTE="RainyLondonFog, post: 196257, member: 1718"
I get it. I have a hard time managing my own "jobs" and trying not to interfere with others "jobs". I'm not fighting you by any means, just merely observing that you said you take pride in the home being clean. It could mean nothing but I thought maybe it would be helpful to point out that word and see if that might be a deeper root to this then it may appear.
I very much favor a clean and clutter free home as well, but at what cost are you willing to to hold onto that? Is it worth your inner peace? And having to trudge down this path? And of course the answer could be either yes or no and be right. .[/QUOTE]
A great deal of my inner peace comes from making sure our home is clean. I'm not making excuses here, but merely trying to explain. I grew up in a rather chaotic home and cleaning/straightening was how I coped with it. And now at 55 the "cleaning nut" is just part of me. It's a responsibility that I've given myself, not something I was or am ordered to do.
Thank you ladies for the prayers and support. I'll keep y'all posted.
[QUOTE="RainyLondonFog, post: 196257, member: 1718"
I get it. I have a hard time managing my own "jobs" and trying not to interfere with others "jobs". I'm not fighting you by any means, just merely observing that you said you take pride in the home being clean. It could mean nothing but I thought maybe it would be helpful to point out that word and see if that might be a deeper root to this then it may appear.
I very much favor a clean and clutter free home as well, but at what cost are you willing to to hold onto that? Is it worth your inner peace? And having to trudge down this path? And of course the answer could be either yes or no and be right. .[/QUOTE]
A great deal of my inner peace comes from making sure our home is clean. I'm not making excuses here, but merely trying to explain. I grew up in a rather chaotic home and cleaning/straightening was how I coped with it. And now at 55 the "cleaning nut" is just part of me. It's a responsibility that I've given myself, not something I was or am ordered to do.
Thank you ladies for the prayers and support. I'll keep y'all posted.