Post Husband Family

[ClaireRoss]

My family is struggling with moving on after the death of my late husband. I have a few questions about moving forward.

First, I do not have any interest in considering re marriage at this time, and feel that it is important to keep all of the kids together. My sister wife feels that she is being led to re marry. Do we have an obligation to stay connected as a family unit?

Second, Joy has chosen to live at the ranch for several years now, and her oldest children have remained in my home, going to school. Re marriage would drastically change our family dynamic. Joy would like to have her children stay in my home, and I would prefer that too. Is there some reason we would have to change this arrangement?

Third, We have always functioned as a family even though we don't all live under the same roof all of the time. with no husband to defer to, does the first wife(me) have decision making authority? The last say so to speak??? How do other families deal with rank or hierarchy issues?

Fourth, The elders in our church have advised me that there should be a male head of our house hold, and don't support any of our children remaining in a home where none is present. They advise that at the very least we should move back to my parents home. We are very capable of living alone, and Jake left us well taken care of. I know that legally they have no say, but I have no desire to turn from the church I love. What is the correct forum for addressing these issues as they have only been discussed quietly so far?

Any advise would be welcome.

Thank you,
Claire

 

[sweetlissa]

I am so sorry for your loss. You are fortunate that your husband was able to provide for you so well. I know your heart is breaking at this time and I hope that our board can be of some comfort to you.
My dad always said that when you have a major upheaval in life you shouldn't try to make any major decisions for at least a year. Of course that isn't always possible but...

There is no reason that your children should be divided at this time. They are each other's support in times of trouble. If they are comfortable as they are, and if you are comfortable with things remaining this way, then there is no reason not to continue, unless there is something legal that can change it.

I think that if Joy remarries, then your relationship will probably become different. But that doesn't mean you won't always be a part of each other's lives. I would like to believe that I would always be very close to my sister wife, if this happened to us. I would like to believe that we would always care for each other.

I don't think that there should be a hierarchy. I believe that if you two go your separate ways then you should have some sort of financial settlement between you and each be responsible for your own decisions.

Jas 1:27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.
Visit: ἐπισκοπέωa; ἐπισκέπτομαιc; προνοέωb: to care for or look after, with the implication of continuous responsibility—‘to look after, to take care of, to see to.’
Louw, Johannes P. ; Nida, Eugene Albert: Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament : Based on Semantic Domains. electronic ed. of the 2nd edition. New York : United Bible societies, 1996, c1989, S. 1:462

If your husband was under the authority of the eldership, then with his passing the care of his family falls to the eldership. So, in this time of mourning and adjustment, they should be available to you and your family for spiritual guidance, even if your physical needs are met.
Thank you for sharing your problems with us. Let us know if we can be of more help.

 

[CecilW]

I dont have authoritative answers, nor vast experience in this area from which to draw, so take whatever I say here as merely food for thought, please.

Plural Marriage is, first and foremost, marriage. It isn't bondage either pre-, during-, or post- hubby. So people do get to make individual decisions.

The Bible says that before marriage, a girl is under her father's authority. During marriage, she's under her husband's. Post marriage, whether due to divorce or death, she's under her own.

While men in the church, and btw, James is addressing "Brothers" in the Lord, not "Elders" in authority, may have an obligation to step up to "visit" the widows in their affliction, the widows have the absolute right to open the door, or not. In any individual case or at all. Yes, Paul advises younger widows to remarry, but that is not an absolute obligation, and certainly not one requiring any sort of hurry.

It would seem to follow that Joy has the right to marry if she chooses, you have the right to remain single if you choose, and the elders have only whatever rights you each choose to give them.

(What denomination, btw? And, of course, I recognize that the elders may well disagree and think that they should have more authority. Up to you two whether you concur or tell them to confine their concerns to the state of your souls. Sounds like they want to step into headship of this nice working ranch with a town house as well, and two wives. Uh-huh!)

Disposition of property and running of the ranch and business sounds considerably more complicated, as ownership, management and responsibilities, and allocation of profits probably needs to be set up and handled as a business from this point on, as the original "owner" is no longer available to direct either operations or succession.

And if Joy were to remarry, that should not alter her ownership, but may well alter her involvement in the operation with an appropriate alteration in remuneration -- some having come from her ownership, some from her labor.

What I would say would NOT be appropriate would be for either of you to pull the rug out from under the other by demanding half the equity in the property in cash so as to walk away. That would essentially destroy the business, which is also home to a number of people, and THAT wouldn't be right.

Having said all that, if your children are young enough to need a father present, then remarriage wouldn't be such a bad idea, would it? No hurry, and of course choose "the right one", not simply the first to offer, preferably but not necessarily in concert with Joy ...

Ok, there are my 2 bits added to the discussion, for whatever they are worth. But let me join the others here in welcoming you, mourning your family's loss, wishing you well, and offering whatever support and help we can. Also prayers as y'all work through tough issues.

Finally, my compliments to your late husband for setting y'all up in such a lovely location. Western Oregon is home for me as well, although we live in NE GA at present. I miss the Pacific NW.

 

[CecilW]

2 more cents ... *wry grin*

... The very passages that say a post-marriage woman is under her own authority seem, therefore, to NOT suggest going back home under the authority of her parents.

... Any time two or more people associate, one emerges as the leader. In your relationship with Joy, who is that? Or is there struggle for the position? Is there an executor of your late husband's will? Might he or she be the appropriate tie-breaker?

... Whether or not y'all stay together, or go your own way, of COURSE you'll always be "family".

... Keeping the kids together seems like a great idea. And whatever y'all work out to accomplish that successfully is y'all's business. More power to ya, and how can we help?

 

[Mark C]

May YHVH bless you and yours, Claire. You are in our prayers. Meanwhile, I second Cecil's comments.

Beware of the inevitable gold-diggers, and take your time in every decision, that you may rely on Him and His guidance.

Blessings,
Mark

 

[faithfulfatherof9]

Hi Claire,

Having read this entire column, i want to offer my condolences on your husband's death, and the dilemma that has followed. I also commend your husband Jake for his concern and foresight in preserving the family and ranch. I grew up on a dairy farm in Iowa and know the complication of passing on family real estate in an agricultural situation. I have also noticed your pictures on the facebook page of how everyone is pitching in to keep the purpose o the family going.

I moved away from our family farm 25 years ago at my wife's insistance, as her mother had moved to Missouri, and she wanted us to move down there close to her. I have grown to regret that move, and wish i had never left the family farm. My oldest brother was handicapped, having spent his life on crutches and in a wheelchair. He needed my help, and i let a romantic involvment take me away from a family that needed me. He died a few years after i left, and i have carried a burden of guilt ever since, knowing i should have been there for him.

There is a new thread posted in the forum about "purpose" in a family. I wish i had access to a forum like this back then. Perhaps i would have stood my ground and remained there for my brother. I dont know your family dynamics, but appears to me maybe Joy has lost sight of what the primary purpose of family is, or has at least decided she can offer more to another family at this point. Tough stuff to go through, but it seems to me that we can learn a lot in overcoming these challenges. I do know that if I had stayed back on the family farm, I would not have grown in grace or knowledge to the degree i have. It is doubtful i woud have ever questioned the doctrines of the Christian traditions of our family which had stood for well over a century on the same farm and Church founded by my great- grandfather.

My prayers will be petitioning for you to receive God's guidance and blessngs for you and your family as you work your way through this transition.

Paul "faithfulfather"