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Prayer and financial help for divorce trial

D

DeathIsNotTheEnd

Member
Real Person
Male
Hi all


Just an update and a quick request.

You know me and my story.
August 12th is my court trial for the divorce. My wife and her lawyer have refused to negotiate or discuss anything so, we are having to go straight to trial :( She still has custody and possession of my son. Over the course of this time, my wife has been increasingly vindictive, including getting my second fired from her job, spreading lies about me to my friends and family and preventing me from getting several jobs, and causing a big financial burden on me. She cancelled my cards and took my money when this started, and then cancelled my ability to pay internet and phone services...but kept the service running. So now I am being billed for her phone and internet payments without any ability to pay them or authority to change the account :(

I am working full time setting up an online business, while also applying to other jobs, but have so far not been successful: the two interviews I had would not hire me due to her posted complaints about me :(

With August coming up, I need to pay rent, phone, internet, and electricity bills for the month. On the 12th we will have the trial and I will be asking for alimony (and according to my lawyer, it is expected I will receive at least a portion). However until that time I'm strapped for cash: even if I were to be hired or my online business were to take off in the next 2 weeks, it wouldn't be enough soon enough to cover my expenses.

If any of you wish to support me, I have a GoFundMe page, or you can contact me directly. Even if you can't contribute financially (I know some of you already have and many of you are just as strapped as us!), your prayers would be greatly appreciated. I am trying to protect myself and my second while fighting for my son, but my wife so far has been impossible to compromise or talk with. Please pray for guidance and provision for me and a soft heart for her :(

https://www.gofundme.com/f/mark039s-divorce-and-separation-legal-fees
 
Praying. I understand from first hand experience some of the challenges you are going through but I've not had to deal with the divorce side. My heart goes out to you brother. Losing a job/income and being left with mounting expenses weighs heavily on one's mind but topping that with a divorce would be extraordinarily difficult. Yet God is immutable; He is just and holy, and He is good. Trust in His goodness to bring you through. Me and my wives are mostly coming out the other side of the battels but it's not over yet. Only God knows what else is going to be thrown up against me/us! Shalom and may His grace abound for you all.
 
frederick said:
Praying. I understand from first hand experience some of the challenges you are going through but I've not had to deal with the divorce side. My heart goes out to you brother. Losing a job/income and being left with mounting expenses weighs heavily on one's mind but topping that with a divorce would be extraordinarily difficult. Yet God is immutable; He is just and holy, and He is good. Trust in His goodness to bring you through. Me and my wives are mostly coming out the other side of the battels but it's not over yet. Only God knows what else is going to be thrown up against me/us! Shalom and may His grace abound for you all.
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Thank you :(

Yeah it is tough. Hardest thing I have ever gone through. But I do have hope for the future... just gotta get through this :(
 
I'm going to be very blunt: I'm ashamed and angered by the tepid response I'm seeing to this plea for help. I've seen atheists be far more financial generous to people in need. And other prayer threads got markedly more emotional and prayer support.

It's true Mark and I butted heads from time to time and didn't see eye to eye on many things. But no man or his family deserves to go through this. What he is suffering is unlawful and evil in so many ways.

This man is one of our number and he needs our help. Talk is cheap, times like these are when men need our help the most. Even if you can't help financially, he badly needs our help spiritually with regular fervent prayer.
 
Since we're being blunt, I have tried many times to post a prayer. For some reason I have yet to find the words. May be its the circumstances. He is speaking about being unemployed (working full time setting up an internet business is not working full time, realistic advice find a job any job and try to set up the internet business in your spare time) and seeking alimony from his soon to be ex wife. I oppose women doing the same. Supporting him in doing it would make me a hypocrite. From his previous post he knew his wife's heart wasn't in a place of submission. He wasn't contributing to the finances of his household. He left that solely up to his first wife, then both wives. If she was able to cancel his cards it was because he had given her the control over the finances and the cards were in her name, thus her credit cards he doesn't have access to. He could call and have the services suspended or canceled if the accounts are in his name, if he's not on the account then it's not him who would have to pay the bill. Being MR. Mom was admirable imo (I myself homeschool the kids and I'm their primary care giver, yet still have an income and provide for my family physically and spirituality) but not if your placing the responsiblity of Headship on your wife while claiming the authority. You cant have Authority without the responsibility. He and his second wife can get a job anything in a pinch, yet he is banking on getting alimony from the rebellious one (someone is giving you bad adivice) continuing to rely on his first to support him. McDonald's is always hiring there are many jobs that won't care what she's saying. If she's lying to prevent him from getting jobs then he should stop telling her where he's apling. She is being vindictive yes. I feel for him because of that. That fact that she is keeping him from his son is infuriating, just as much as setting the example of relying on a wife to support you that he was giving to his son is. If she was in biblical submission she wouldn't be doing this. One can say she is rebellious and was never going to submit. That may be true. Then there's at least one of 3 things that's true as well. He made a mistake in marrying a rebellious shrew that was never going to be tamed, made a mistake in trying to add another wife knowing that his wife was a rebellious shrew that was never going to be tamed, or he was not being the spiritual head of his family and leading thus taming the shrew. The plan to have multiple wives working and sit back and enjoying the good life busted. New plan Man up, lead the one you have left, be the example of a man who provides for and leads his family. Learn from your mistakes. Don't rely on the women in your life to provide for you.

I would have kept my thoughts private, but the attempt to shame people into supporting him finicialy, praying for his selfserving plan to suceed and patting him on the back and say it's not your fault for making bad decisions made me feel the necessity to show that there's reasons folks aren't chomping at the bits to lay hands on him.

Now, @DeathIsNotTheEnd I truly hope and pray that you are able get your son. I pray that if it's the Lords will He softens your first wife's heart, she repents and returns in submission. I pray that the Lord provides you with a way to over come your finicial crisis. I pray that if it's not His will for this to happen that this crucible strengthens you. Removing the impurities that cause a weak point in steel. That after he has worked you into a Mastercraft and polished you into perfection that you can forgive your first wife for what she has done and me for theses honest harsh words.
 
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Kevin said:
Since we're being blunt, I have tried many times to post a prayer. For some reason I have yet to find the words. May be its the circumstances. He is speaking about being unemployed (working full time setting up an internet business is not working full time, realistic advice find a job any job and try to set up the internet business in your spare time) and seeking alimony from his soon to be ex wife. I oppose women doing the same. Supporting him in doing it would make me a hypocrite. From his previous post he knew his wife's heart wasn't in a place of submission. He wasn't contributing to the finances of his household. He left that solely up to his first wife, then both wives. If she was able to cancel his cards it was because he had given her the control over the finances and the cards were in her name, thus her credit cards he doesn't have access to. He could call and have the services suspended or canceled if the accounts are in his name, if he's not on the account then it's not him who would have to pay the bill. Being MR. Mom was admirable imo (I myself homeschool the kids and I'm their primary care giver, yet still have an income and provide for my family physically and spirituality) but not if your placing the responsiblity of Headship on your wife while claiming the authority. You cant have Authority without the responsibility. He and his second wife can get a job anything in a pinch, yet he is banking on getting alimony from the rebellious one (someone is giving you bad adivice) continuing to rely on his first to support him. McDonald's is always hiring there are many jobs that won't care what she's saying. If she's lying to prevent him from getting jobs then he should stop telling her where he's apling. She is being vindictive yes. I feel for him because of that. That fact that she is keeping him from his son is infuriating, just as much as setting the example of relying on a wife to support you that he was giving to his son is. If she was in biblical submission she wouldn't be doing this. One can say she is rebellious and was never going to submit. That may be true. Then there's at least one of 3 things that's true as well. He made a mistake in marrying a rebellious shrew that was never going to be tamed, made a mistake in trying to add another wife knowing that his wife was a rebellious shrew that was never going to be tamed, or he was not being the spiritual head of his family and leading thus taming the shrew. The plan to have multiple wives working and sit back and enjoying the good life busted. New plan Man up, lead the one you have left, be the example of a man who provides for and leads his family. Learn from your mistakes. Don't rely on the women in your life to provide for you.

I would have kept my thoughts private, but the attempt to shame people into supporting him finicialy, praying for his selfserving plan to suceed and patting him on the back and say it's not your fault for making bad decisions made me feel the necessity to show that there's reasons folks aren't chomping at the bits to lay hands on him.

Now, @DeathIsNotTheEnd I truly hope and pray that you are able get your son. I pray that if it's the Lords will He softens your first wife's heart, she repents and returns in submission. I pray that the Lord provides you with a way to over come your finicial crisis. I pray that if it's not His will for this to happen that this crucible strengthens you. Removing the impurities that cause a weak point in steel. That after he has worked you into a Mastercraft and polished you into perfection that you can forgive your first wife for what she has done and me for theses honest harsh words.
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@DeathIsNotTheEnd, please listen to these words. You have entered a fight that few come out unchanged. I know, I have been there. Your battle is for 18 more years. You will not win, the woman always does. This is the discipline of making wrong choices. There is a lesson of a lifetime here. Ask God to forgive you and make yourself stronger. Do it. Overcome the challenge. God will save you. He will give you the strength. He will provide. Don't look to the system to help you. There is legal financial aid and there is pro se litigation but you have to make it happen. I pray for God's strength in you and I pray you use it wisely. I have been where you are and I have come through it.
 
That's right @Kevin and I'm going to shame you again. You're throwing him under the bus because he's not perfect and didn't live up to your standards in life. I see this out there every single time without fail. If a woman divorces or is divorced, she's treated as a victim and helped. If a man is divorced or divorces, he's the perpetrator and had it coming. If we're not better than that here we're no better than the world.

Christians like to talk a big game about helping people but they always seem to find a reason why people in need are to blame for their troubles and shouldn't be helped.

You don't want to give him money, fine. But it's the dearth of emotional and prayer support evidenced that really disgusts me. Whatever role is his mistakes played in leading him here, many men don't make it through this sort of trial alive and he needs our prayers and emotional support.

I don't care who I'm offending here, I'm sick and tired of seeing Christians abandon and blame men when their wives decide to torpedo their marriage. I speak up because Mark deserves better than that, because I want people to know we're better than that. If we don't support our own in their worst trials what good are we.
 
There is merit to what @Kevin and @rockfox are saying, but let's not derail the intent of this post.

Our brother does need our support and prayers, and he needs it more forcefully than he has been getting it. I agree. Any of us can be, and some of you have been, where he is.

Has our brother made mistakes along his journey? Yes. Is he perhaps making mistakes in his approach now? I believe so. But, if you have constructive advise for our brother, please give it in love.

If you want to rake him over the coals, do it in a pm.
 
I’ve been where our brother is and I can tell you that the weight is almost unbearable. I was sinfully underemployed before my divorce and quit working entirely for a while afterwards. I’m not sure I could have done better to be honest but things only got better when I finally knuckled down and took a waiter job at Applebee’s.

There is room to support our brother financially and spiritually and still motivate him towards the inevitable end result. He has to go to work. For his custody case if nothing else. The judge will be brutal to a man with out employment, that I promise you.
 
Mojo said:
There is merit to what @Kevin and @rockfox are saying, but let's not derail the intent of this post.

Our brother does need our support and prayers, and he needs it more forcefully than he has been getting it. I agree. Any of us can be, and some of you have been, where he is.

Has our brother made mistakes along his journey? Yes. Is he perhaps making mistakes in his approach now? I believe so. But, if you have constructive advise for our brother, please give it in love.

If you want to rake him over the coals, do it in a pm.
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First of all, @Mojo, thank you for taking on the role of moderator. I have observed how you have generally stepped back from voicing your own opinions and have made the effort to be the neutral observer and mediator. This post of yours is no exception.

I am, however, going to offer a different, or perhaps additional, perspective.

In general, I agree that confronting a brother should start in private. However, there are times when it is inappropriate to use valuable time communicating in private, and one of the most intensive examples of when it is inappropriate is when a brother has already moved his behavior front and center into the public realm. Confronting in private then becomes an exercise in futility that my involve the waste of time of numerous individuals sending private messages, all of which are being ignored or deflected. When an individual speaks or behaves in a public forum (and I don't just mean an online one) in a manner that indicates not only trainwreck-ahead but an unwillingness to absorb and implement strong constructive feedback from fellow brothers in response to the trainwreck-ahead those brothers are recognizing, to shift the conversation back into the private realm is to sidestep the nature of the dire feedback such a brother needs. When we notice privately that a brother is bleeding, it is most appropriate to offer him wound-dressing in private, but when a brother chooses to bleed in public and combines that bleeding with either denial of the bleeding or attempts to make light of the bleeding, that brother is indicating that he cannot face up to what he is doing to himself. I have been there myself during times when I just wouldn't listen to reason, and, in the long run, some of the worst damage that others did was to encourage me in my persistent bad judgment.

I'm not certain about this, but I've been following the threads that have described @DeathIsNotTheEnd's situation, and I do suspect that it exemplifies what I'm suggesting. Therefore, I back up @Kevin's motivation to write what he did above. @rockfox, your assertions are also admirable, as are the prayers, but I believe you're missing something. I agree with you 100% that, generally speaking, men get the shaft when it comes to divorce and custody. Again, I have been there. I will share the sordid tale with anyone who wants to take the time in private conversation (because nothing about it will edify anyone in this public context). But even in my case in which I was clearly in more of a righteous position than was my ex-wife, those who cheerleaded for me to fight the good fight only in the end accomplished getting my hopes up and convincing me to spend even more money on a hopeless cause. Society is as it is, the game is rigged against men in these realms, and it is at the same time also the case that encouraging individuals to go to war with society (which is what one does when one is a father who hasn't been exemplary in every way fights a custody battle) is more idealistic than practical. And funding such an effort can only be interpreted as encouragement.

A macro battle must be fought at the macro level. Fighting it at the micro level will only further crush the micro participants.

This is only further complicated when one adds in examples of how one made decisions to ignore the warning signs leading up to divorce or made decisions to damn the torpedoes and go full steam ahead. Some of our collective advice to @DeathIsNotTheEnd may have been too little too late, but it was offered contemporaneously to when that to which we were reacting was offered by him. We were supportive then, and I'm suggesting that, in addition to prayers, maybe we can best be supportive now by encouraging him to keep his feet on the ground and his powder dry. I'm further suggesting that money is probably not the answer in this situation, so please don't shame those who don't see it your way.

Those who don't agree with me are also free to devote whatever level of resources they choose to encourage @DeathIsNotTheAnswer to plunge headfirst into the Handy Chopper that is the female-favored American divorce court.
 
Brother @Keith Martin, I really don't disagree with you much. I don't think I tried to halt the conversation to our brother from anyone here. I just didn't want future replies on this post to devolve into a finger pointing judge, jury and name calling moment (I think it's better to prevent devolution, not pick up the pieces from a mine blast after the fact.). This post was dealing with the here and now, and request for prayer, not HOW we got here.

I totally see your point about the futility of a private message. I will grant you that. However, to keep the order and etiquette of a forum, it would seem appropriate that critiques of @DeathIsNotTheEnd 's approach should be posted as replies to the posts where he spells out those very public missteps (I think I'm pretty clear stating that I think blatant errors were made). That is all I was trying to convey.

@ZecAustin took the baton and ran with critique, constructive criticism and then exhortation. I think it perfectly exemplified what I was trying to interject into the thread. My subsequent post about reproof and rebuke being coupled with exhortation was an implicit approval of criticism, but with the caveat that exhortation should be included.

In summary, it's not just what we say, but how we say it. Like I said, I think @ZecAustin 's reply is the example of what I was getting at.

I don't want to derail this post too much more.
 
Keith Martin said:
but I believe you're missing something. I agree with you 100% that, generally speaking, men get the shaft when it comes to divorce and custody. Again, I have been there. I will share the sordid tale with anyone who wants to take the time in private conversation (because nothing about it will edify anyone in this public context). But even in my case in which I was clearly in more of a righteous position than was my ex-wife, those who cheerleaded for me to fight the good fight only in the end accomplished getting my hopes up and convincing me to spend even more money on a hopeless cause. Society is as it is, the game is rigged against men in these realms, and it is at the same time also the case that encouraging individuals to go to war with society (which is what one does when one is a father who hasn't been exemplary in every way fights a custody battle) is more idealistic than practical. And funding such an effort can only be interpreted as encouragement.
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I do not believe that the cause is hopeless. I know men who have come out on top in divorce court. And I've read lawyers say more would win if they just fought. Too many men just roll over (or get bad lawyers who roll over for them). But yes, make no bones about it, the odds are indeed heavily stacked against the man in court. But I'm also starting to see reports of divorce court judges calling out women on their dirty tricks.

Feel free to delete this @Mojo if you feel I'm derailing the thread.
 
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