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Reflections

WifeOfHisYouth

WifeOfHisYouth

Seasoned Member
Real Person
Female
Over the last several weeks, something has changed in me. I feel like a new door has been opened or the light has turned on.

Two years ago, when @Asforme&myhouse began to share with me the idea of plural and the truths in God’s word about marriage, my heart went to a dark place. I went through all of the typical first wife feelings of thinking: he no longer loved me, he wanted to leave me, I was not good enough, I must have done something wrong or that he just wanted to replace me with a better model. It even brought me to a place of not understanding or trusting God’s love for me. I found this forum and dug deep into the words and stories of others. I finally came to a place of understanding that it’s ok.. for some people, but why US... why us?!? I fought with not being able to understand why we had to be given this calling, or longing. I knew that my husband would lead us where he felt God was calling him, and I was to follow. I intended on following no matter what, but it was still a roller coaster of emotions. Days, I would just cry over the losses I felt plural was going to bring, such as losses of the time I was going to get stripped from me. Ultimately, I felt like my husband didn’t want to be with me because he was knowingly choosing to add someone else that would need time with him and the time we shared together would be cut.

He would mention the benefits of what someone else could do to help lighten my load or just be a friend to me. To some extent, I could understand but it still didn’t make sense in my emotions. I felt threatened. He has been EXTREMELY patient with me, talked with me in the late hours, let me cry over small things (stupid things that I laugh at now), explained to me over and over that his love for me is ever-growing and just listened to my fears while redirecting me to the truth. I know that I am not owed any of this loving kindness from him. Those sweet gestures to help guide and love me through the darkest times plural has brought in my life has proven to me, time and time again, the amazing husband he is and will be if God beings another wife to him as well.

We were having another repeat conversation a few weeks back, he was again explaining his love for me and something clicked. I felt like a light flipped on and it all made sense, he could love me as deeply as he does and still be able to love another. As much as he has explained over the last two years that he loves me, doesn’t want to leave me, and adores me, this moment in the conversation it felt like God let me see. The last two years of seeking to understand plural and all of the emotions I had to face were there, to get where I am now. It has all been worth it to finally SEE.

I am at a place where I long for the relationships we will all have, I long to share our home, our life, our family.

I know there will be times if difficulty, challenging times, times of doubt in the future. But I am so happy and so excited to see my own spiritual growth from this journey thus far. Whether, God brings me a bestie and a wife for @Asforme&myhouse or not, this journey has matured me in ways I could have never imagined.

For those gals that are in the thick of it, just keep going. It really does get better. This is not the end of your world. It is possible to be like the amazing @Joleneakamama and long for this life (seriously girl, you were my inspiration :) ) It takes time, it takes digging, it takes following your husband and it takes trusting God. It will grow you like nothing you have experienced. It may seem like you are going to die, but one day it will click. There are amazing gals here that are going or have gone through what you are, reach out to us. I have gained friendships on here that have grown beyond what my other friendships have. These friendships are gold.. really gold! We have gone through the fire. ;)

Guys, be patient with your women. We are emotional and feel EVERYTHING. We need to process and walk the path. We can’t separate emotions and see only logic. We need you to lead us out of the valleys and rejoice with us on the mountain tops. Be the men and leaders we need.

Blessings <3
 
@Isaac, your @Sonshine is so dear to my heart. I love and value her friendship beyond words. I am thankful that this forum allowed for her and I to meet :)
 
This is exactly what I mean by waiting on the Holy Spirit! Every new guy that signs up needs to read this, seriously. We should have this as reading material in the sign up process lol.
1. Do you understand that BF is not a dating site?
2. Do you understand that you can't just magic your wife into being totally into poly?
Click yes if you agree.
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
We can’t separate emotions and see only logic
Click to expand...

Wifeofhisyouth,
I absolutely agree and have felt all of what you said above. Even my husband said I could have written that. I want to thank you for the statement of emotions and logic, it makes so much sense to me. When you have a potential as we have had for almost a year, I am having a hard time with separating emotions. I want to learn, but it eludes me, and believe me I have been tested in this area and it still continues. The things that I think are logical to me sometimes doesn't appear logical to others and I don't get why. The only thing I can think of is the difference in personalities or the way she was exposed to life prior. I see a lot black and white, with no gray, it shouldn't be this difficult if God led us to this way of life. Right? Maybe plural brings the gray because now there are 3 adults to work in this relationship and its not all about just one relationship anymore. It's a hard transition.

I am so proud of my husband for being so patient and loving to encourage me to keep moving forward. One step at a time, one day at a time. I need to be more patient with myself. (Others have told me that..ladies you know who you are..love you!) That's hard for me as I'm not one for last minute chaotic changes. I like to plan and even make a plan B! But God's plans are not for us to know, only to trust He has it in control.
 
BeingHeld said:
I want to learn, but it eludes me, and believe me I have been tested in this area and it still continues.
Click to expand...

The fact that you want to learn shows you are making the right steps. Keep on going, keep trying to understand and learn how your potential bestie thinks. I know in the past, I have held a different standard to gals we were talking with than I would any other friend I was getting to know.. simply because I felt threatened. I began to focus on all of the negatives from differing personalities instead of focusing on the blessings she could bring and things I was being grown in.

I am convinced that we can’t force ourselves to “get over the emotions” and be magically ok with all that plural brings.. even though I wanted that so badly. We have to ride the waves of the emotions to get to the other side, and that’s ok! BUT We are responsible for how we act, how we choose to handle situations and most importantly, what we are feeding our minds about our situation. You can have the worlds best bestie and still choose to hate your situation and make life hell, or you can have the worlds worst bestie and choose to see the best and make YOUR marriage better in the midst of hell. That choice is yours. With the daily choices to put your focus in the right place, it eventually clicks.

But that is something you will understand one day when it clicks. In the mean time, dig into the Word, dig into your relationship with your husband, dig into serving your potential bestie and choose love and keep on keeping on <3 Find other gals you can talk to in the darkest days that aren’t afraid to speak truth to you when you need it. We all need a dose of tough love from gals that understand and have been there too.
 
@WifeOfHisYouth
Thank you so much for sharing your amazing and inspirational testimony!

As my parents accepted the idea of plural marriage, I was not raised with an aversion to the concept. I didn't have that to struggle with, and overcome. As a result I have many times felt I was not qualified to give advise or support to women like yourself, who were going through it. Sometimes I even worried my comments might come across as boasting, or might in some other way be offensive.

I have long wondered why God let me "see" plural marriage as I do, and what purpose He might have. I have always been quite outspoken about my belief and perspective. Maybe being a vocal advocate is the purpose. I finally realized after many years that God's plan for our family is still being revealed, and may not include a sisterwife.....even if, and no matter how much I like the idea.

Reading your testimony my heart rejoiced with you at the peace and understanding you have now. I don't really have words....but am very thankful that what I shared was helpful, and encouraged you.
 
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