Hello all! I'm new to the forum and this way of life. I'm glad to see there are others out there. I'm a little handicapped on some issues however because neither my wife and I have any experience in this way of life. My wife had approached me about the idea of a second wife a few weeks ago. I had always felt that it was for me, but due to very conservative and singular marriage upbringing, I thought it was something only Mormons did. I have since educated my self and my wife has too. I'm currently in the dating phase of my potential second wife who's also a good friend of my wife. We don't have a plural family church in the area. Tonight they were at a Christmas party together and I was not there. It should be noted that our church is unaware of our plural decision. Anyways, the pastor had saw my girl that I'm courting and I eating at a restaurant. He mentioned it at the party and it made both of them feel very uncomfortable. How do you address this concern with the potential second wife? She's the one that essentially is living in secret and I'm unsure how to help overcome this feeling for her. She says now that it's not a big deal for her, but I know that it's bothering her. Ideas? Thanks in advance! Mike
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Secrecy experienced by second wife
- Thread starter mikenga
- Start date
Bible says that in the end, ALL will be revealed. Might as well get it over with and be open now. It will be so much easier.
Will you have problems with your church? Probably so. Many of us have lost "friends" and been kicked out of churches. Oh, well. Jesus said that we could expect such treatment when following Him. Cling to each other, to God, & to His Word. It is worth the trouble!
Will you have problems with your church? Probably so. Many of us have lost "friends" and been kicked out of churches. Oh, well. Jesus said that we could expect such treatment when following Him. Cling to each other, to God, & to His Word. It is worth the trouble!
you are right in knowing that it does bother her and that it will bother her even more in the future.
my way of handling it is to be honest with your pastor, which will result in you being asked to leave the church.
this is an extremely serious lifestyle change, the consequences can be enormous. but at least people are no longer burned at the stake for not obeying the church. :shock:
ps: I see that cecil was writing at the same time that I was and I echo what he said, that Yeshua promised us that life was not going to be easy.
my way of handling it is to be honest with your pastor, which will result in you being asked to leave the church.
this is an extremely serious lifestyle change, the consequences can be enormous. but at least people are no longer burned at the stake for not obeying the church. :shock:
ps: I see that cecil was writing at the same time that I was and I echo what he said, that Yeshua promised us that life was not going to be easy.
Minding your own business, and expecting people to mind theirs, is not dishonesty; it's discretion.
If you already know the church will boot you (and you do), then why do it for them? Why arm those who would oppose you, by giving them information they're not able to handle, and that can only be used against you? "They are like unto children sitting in the marketplace, and calling one to another, and saying, We have piped unto you, and ye have not danced." Well, tough for them.
Utter opennness is a monogamist ideal, both inside the home and out. Polygamy in the U.S. has the image of "one big, happy family" NOT because that's what works, but because we force that upon it. Harmony tends to involve knowing how to keep one's mouth shut and let others (wives OR acquaintances) keep face. Let people think what they want; it's what they're going to do anyway.
You're embarking on a path that virtually no one is going to understand. Do you really want to spend your time and energy defending yourself from attacks by uninformed busybodies, or would you rather just live your life?
If you already know the church will boot you (and you do), then why do it for them? Why arm those who would oppose you, by giving them information they're not able to handle, and that can only be used against you? "They are like unto children sitting in the marketplace, and calling one to another, and saying, We have piped unto you, and ye have not danced." Well, tough for them.
Utter opennness is a monogamist ideal, both inside the home and out. Polygamy in the U.S. has the image of "one big, happy family" NOT because that's what works, but because we force that upon it. Harmony tends to involve knowing how to keep one's mouth shut and let others (wives OR acquaintances) keep face. Let people think what they want; it's what they're going to do anyway.
You're embarking on a path that virtually no one is going to understand. Do you really want to spend your time and energy defending yourself from attacks by uninformed busybodies, or would you rather just live your life?
Good points Mystic. However at some point you will probably be directly questioned on it if you are seen together frequently. We have a female student staying with us at the moment and I have been asked directly whether I am sleeping with her, because of the look of the thing. I can only imagine what I would be asked if I was seen having a romantic meal with a female friend in a restaurant!
A good church looks out for its members and tries to help them not slip into sin. This is a good thing. It just becomes a problem when people have a wrong idea about what is sinful.
When asked directly by a Christian brother, what will you say? Will you lie, or tell the truth? You need to decide beforehand so you are ready. I can't see how lying would be justifiable scripturally or helpful once the truth eventually comes out anyway.
You also need to consider the emotional needs of the second wife. Will she feel inferior to the first wife if the first can be public while she must remain a 'dirty little secret'?
Is it better to maintain fellowship with false friends through deception and avoiding confrontation, or go through that confrontation to find out who your true friends are who you can fellowship with openly?
Thoughts to ponder. This is a very tough issue.
A good church looks out for its members and tries to help them not slip into sin. This is a good thing. It just becomes a problem when people have a wrong idea about what is sinful.
When asked directly by a Christian brother, what will you say? Will you lie, or tell the truth? You need to decide beforehand so you are ready. I can't see how lying would be justifiable scripturally or helpful once the truth eventually comes out anyway.
You also need to consider the emotional needs of the second wife. Will she feel inferior to the first wife if the first can be public while she must remain a 'dirty little secret'?
Is it better to maintain fellowship with false friends through deception and avoiding confrontation, or go through that confrontation to find out who your true friends are who you can fellowship with openly?
Thoughts to ponder. This is a very tough issue.
Joe386
New Member
This is a great topic, one of which I have pondered for some time. I see both sides of the question has good points. But I have always seen things a little different then most people. I really like what Cecil said. And I believe in honesty to a fault, having said that, I would add that others may and most of the time do ask questions that the answers to them they are not entitled to. To put it blunt, it is frankly none of their business. So do NOT feel pressured to answer a question that makes you or your future wife uncomfortable.
Politely and directly say, "It is none of your business." We do not want to disappoint people and thus this gives them way too much power/leverage over us. We may loose their friendship if we make them uncomfortable by not answering, what about how uncomfortable a question that pries into your personal lives. For instance, some years ago the thing to do when interviewing a sitting President was to ask them, "boxers or briefs?", while some saw this as harmless, GW Bush said, "Frankly, It is none of your business." and so it was...none of their business.
Some questions are better not answered until you are ready to answer them, if ever. Then when you are "Properly Prepared" tell who you choose what you have decided as a family to say when you decide to say it. And Not One Minute Sooner... It is your life. Some people think they have the right to dictate to you what they think is right yet they do not live up to it them selves...
So I would suggest, pray bout it and remember, you are not required to give an enemy ammunition to use against you. But neither should you lie to protect the innocent. Take your lumps but do not give them the club to beat you with.
This is just my humble opinion... and NOT yet been "Poly-Tested". But has worked for me in nearly every other venue...
FollowingHim said:
Politely and directly say, "It is none of your business." We do not want to disappoint people and thus this gives them way too much power/leverage over us. We may loose their friendship if we make them uncomfortable by not answering, what about how uncomfortable a question that pries into your personal lives. For instance, some years ago the thing to do when interviewing a sitting President was to ask them, "boxers or briefs?", while some saw this as harmless, GW Bush said, "Frankly, It is none of your business." and so it was...none of their business.
Some questions are better not answered until you are ready to answer them, if ever. Then when you are "Properly Prepared" tell who you choose what you have decided as a family to say when you decide to say it. And Not One Minute Sooner... It is your life. Some people think they have the right to dictate to you what they think is right yet they do not live up to it them selves...
So I would suggest, pray bout it and remember, you are not required to give an enemy ammunition to use against you. But neither should you lie to protect the innocent. Take your lumps but do not give them the club to beat you with.
This is just my humble opinion... and NOT yet been "Poly-Tested". But has worked for me in nearly every other venue...