Single Plural Guy

Discussion in 'Singles Issues' started by Doc, May 8, 2011.

  1. Doc

    Doc Well-Known Member

    That's me.

    A single plural guy.

    I have come to terms with the reality of my status. I am a unique individual within the greater Biblical Families community.

    The overwhelming majority of regular members on BF (not those just visiting or lurking) fall into the following groups, and I think that I am correct in saying these are in descending order by size:

    1. Plural-minded monogamous couples dealing with the concept, and/or seeking to add to their family. GROUP 1
    2. Plural families dealing with the issues of living plural, plus considering additions. GROUP 2
    3. Single women looking to be a part of an established family. GROUP 3
    4. Single men seeking to build a family. GROUP 4

    I recently came across a video called "Sons Of Perdition". It is a documentary that sheds light on the practice of 'lost boys'. "Lost boys" are young men who have been excommunicated or pressured to leave polygynous groups such as the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS). They are allegedly pressured to leave by adult men to reduce competition for wives within such sects, usually when they are between the ages of 13 and 21.

    Nature dictates the number of boys and girls born are roughly equal. Using simple mathematics, it is clear that without an influx of females from outside the community, the practice of one-husband/multiple-wives polygamy leads to unavoidable shortages of marriageable females and a surplus of marriageable males. In particular, FLDS men are each expected to marry at least three wives.

    While some boys leave by their own choice, many are ostensibly banished for conduct such as watching a movie, watching television, playing football, or talking to a girl. Some boys are told not to return unless they can return with a wife. One estimate is that between 400 and 1,000 boys have been pressured to leave for such reasons.

    Boys in these sects are commonly raised not to trust the outside world, and may be taught that leaving their communities is a sin worse than murder. These boys are usually left with little education or life skills and must learn to live in a world about which they know little, while dealing with the consequences of being shunned by their families, and believing they are beyond spiritual redemption. The families of banished boys are told that the boys are now dead to them. Some individuals work to help young men who have left or who have been ejected from polygamist organizations in cities like Hildale, Utah, or Colorado City, Arizona.

    I bring all that up because though I realize that we are not FLDS, there is a definite parallel to the overall social dynamic of the BF community.

    Actually, for the single plural guy in BF, he has a some unique "supply and demand" issues to overcome. In terms of 'demand', I see the following:

    1. There is a great demand for GROUP 3 by GROUPS 1, 2 and 4
    2. There is a 'somewhat' demand for GROUPS 1 and 2 by GROUP 3 only.
    3. There is little or no demand for GROUP 4 by GROUP 3 only.

    These same dynamics apply to the Lost Boy concept within the FLDS community. There are a limited supply of marriageable females. There is a great demand by established families to add those females in preference to available males. In order to eliminate competition for those marriageable females, those younger males are 'shunned', forced to find life outside the community. Acceptance back within the community is only achieved by the
    'lost boys' acquiring females. These are considered 'successful'.

    I say all of this to point out the unique demands on the single plural guy within a plural community. In essence, this 'lost boy' will have to find acceptance from outside the community, because the competition within the community is too great.

    Don't worry, folks, I am not leaving Biblical Families.....

    I do think, however, that analyzing this situation has given a a greater insight as to where I should direct my attention as far as dating is concerned. It will have to be outside of the BF community.

    Any thoughts or comments on this topic would be sincerely appreciated.


  2. steve

    steve Esteemed Member Male

    i am sure that you are right about the majority of group 3 (looking for established families)
    but remember, you only need 1out of that group. what the majority is looking for does not matter. :D

    hey, just had a thought. now that you have a house, you might want to watch Field of Dreams a few (dozen?) times ;)
  3. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    What a dilemma! Being a #4 is quite a challenge. I do think that you are on the right track, looking outside poly world for a wife. This is so connected to another post on Dating Sites (viewtopic.php?f=59&t=2551) The world is full of other fish, we just need to find the right location, have the right bait and the technique to reel them in. I'm not equating ladies to fish, but you see the similarities. I know guys who fish without bait or lures because they don't want to catch anything, too much work to clean and cook them, but find it pleasurable to sit on the bank with a line in the water.

    I am persuaded that there are many, many ladies out here in our world, that would welcome the attention of a good, honest man, as long as he doesn't scare her away with all that poly stuff before she gets to really know him and appreciate him for the man he is. (from the "what it's worth" dept.)
  4. LovelyAlex

    LovelyAlex Member

    I guess I would be in group #3... :p
  5. CecilW

    CecilW Well-Known Member

    Well, welcome, LovelyAlex. Feel free to introduce yourself in an introductions post. You'll find lots of friends here, and perhaps the family you seek.
  6. LovelyAlex

    LovelyAlex Member

    I will :p and thanks for the welcome
  7. lights12

    lights12 Member

    I am new to this site, but in reading this original post it occurs to me that I have spent a huge amount of my life analyzing where I fit in as far as relationships and marriage go. I was married, it went poorly and ended in divorce 18 years ago. I was briefly engaged 9 years ago to a person I would consider my soul mate and he passed away. All this has made me spend the last 9 years feeling that maybe I am not meant to be married at all ever. I now see with 20/20 hindsight that this may have been some kind of self fulfilling prophecy so to speak. I convinced myself that being single, gave me more time for my career and my children, and allowed me more freedom and all that. I have come to clearly see that for me personally these were the wrong assumptions. I know that God can lead us in whatever direction he sees fit, but this was not him at all. I was playing it safe. I was resisting even the chance of having the family and love I do need in my life and in doing so denied my children the opportunity as well. It may be true, maybe I am meant to be single, but from now on I am not going to make that decision. I am going to follow the path that I am being led upon and allow myself the opportunity to share love and joy with a true family. As a nurse, I offer myself to help people all the time, my career is fine and my children know I love them, but maybe just maybe I have more to give in life and in turn will not feel so limited and alone. That's just me.... the new me!!!
  8. Taller on my knees

    Taller on my knees Active Member

    And I barely had time to get to know the old you. Welcome, new you!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
  9. motherof3boys

    motherof3boys New Member

    I just read this thread...what about the ladies who just aren't quite sure? Where do they fit in? I have fit into many situations...non of a strong family sadly, which is where I hope and pray to be someday.
  10. CecilW

    CecilW Well-Known Member

    Where do you fit in? Right here! You don't HAVE to "be sure" to be welcome here. Neither do you have to jump into anything. That's the sweet thing! You can make real friends of real people here, who will REMAIN real friends, whether you decide for or against PM, and whether you marry someone from this group or not. Even if you stay part of this group or not.
  11. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    You forgot a group, single women who want to get married whether it be to a single man or a family.
  12. lights12

    lights12 Member

    I think that no matter what group you are in it is difficult. There may be plenty of single women searching through God, but it has to be the right fit and the right situation and you have to know through God it is the right thing. If it is not the right thing, then there is no point and it was not what God wanted necessarily. Honestly, trying to find a spouse for any kind of marriage is not easy. Especially, for those of us that had poor experiences with marriage in the past, I know I want to know it is a truly Godly man whether I was to be a first wife, second wife, etc. I would also want to know that everyone involved will have a chance of getting along. Any marriage has issues, nothing is perfect. Only God can lead us in the right direction. I have waited a long time, I would like it to be a good thing, not perfect, just good. Despite our beliefs in PM, what if God doesn't lead us to that, perhaps some will just stay or become a couple only.

    I am just following God I know that!!!

    Jen M
  13. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    Wonderfully put, what you said is so true.There's no point rushing something that isn't meant to be otherwise everyone will be miserable in the long run..
  14. Purple8i8

    Purple8i8 New Member Female

    I guess that puts me into the minority Group 5: Single, poly-minded women interested in becoming a “first wife.”
  15. Mojo

    Mojo Esteemed Member Male

    Why first?
    IshChayil and Kevin like this.
  16. Kevin

    Kevin Esteemed Member Male

    By the way @Purple8i8 Welcome to Biblical Families. There's a ladies Chat Mondays starting at 7:30 eastern time. You might find it helpful. I would suggest reading as much as possible and maybe posting an introduction.
    rustywest4 and Mojo like this.
  17. Purple8i8

    Purple8i8 New Member Female

    Thanks, Kevin! I will try to attend a chat.
    Kevin likes this.
  18. Purple8i8

    Purple8i8 New Member Female

    That’s a good question. Upon further reflection, if I wind up being 2nd, 3rd, etc., it doesn’t matters as long as we all love & support each other.
  19. mystic

    mystic Well-Known Member Male

    There's a world there. Blessings be upon you.
    andrew likes this.