So son your thinking of adding a second wife.

[Nikud]

Since I posted about my thoughts about my daughter. I started thinking about what advice I would give one of my sons. I thought this might be helpful to anyone who is thinking about asking a woman to be a second wife. I dont have actual experience but shifting through the threads here, advice from those who have experience and alittle common sense I came up with this.

This is the conversation and responses I would have with my son.

First I would ask him what is wrong with his marriage. If he had anything to say other than nothing were doing fine. I would tell him to stop considering plural marriage and fix what's wrong. If nothing was wrong and he was fulfilling his role as head I would ask him why he feels he should. If doesn't have a answer beyond wanting to multiply his wives I would tell him to stop thinking about plural marriage. After he gave his reasons I would ask him how adding a second wife would benifit his family. If he is unable to articulate a way that it would be beneficial I would council him against it. After he expressed the way it would be benificial to his family I would ask him how it would be benificial to the possible second wife. If he did not see how it would benifit her I would council him against it. Once he told me how she would benifit from it I would ask him if he understood the problems they could face. I'm talking possible job, church, legal, social, emotional, possible angry "in-laws ", and financial. If he understood I would ask him for his plan.

My Advice to my Sons

I would tell him to first talk to his wife. Let me explain exactly what I mean. I'm not just talking about the talk that leads to her understanding it's biblical. I'm not just talking about the argument about it being his right to if he chooses. I'm not just talking about trying to help over come her fears. I'm not just talking about why he feels the need to take a second wife. All of that but also to discuss courtship. Explain to her how he plans to court another woman. What he believes is acceptable conduct during the courtship. Listen to her concerns. Figure out what is an acceptable length of time for courting. Discuss the process from him courting a woman to his wife bonding with her, that is if they weren't already friends (best case scenario). Then share the plan on how to integrate her into the family. If anyone is to have a specific role this would be the time to talk about it. Lastly I would say to him pray. Make sure the L-rd is guiding his every step and in some form that he and his enlarged family was glorifying G-d.

That's all I got. Does anybody have any sugestions.

 

[Red4252]

One thing it's kept me out of hot water and probably you to. It may have been mentioned and I just didn't retain it but what is acceptable courtship from you current wife because she may not always agree with you and it's best not to destroy your relationship as your trying to add to your family.

 

[Red4252]

Sense I can't edit and my fingers can't keep up. Sorry all. I need to explain better. I ment my wife my not agree with what I thinks ok for courtship so it might be good to talk to her and find out what she's ok with me doing. Like mine is ok with me talking but wishes to know if it gos over a few messages a day and seem serious. At that point she wants to know what's going on. Which we both agree on.

 

[NetWatchR]

Looks good, Kevin. I like that at each point of the logic tree, if there's a problem the flow immediately terminates. There's not even a "fix it" subroutine or a return to a previous step. It stops. Dead. Do not proceed.

 

[cnystrom]

First I would ask him what is wrong with his marriage.

First of all I would like to say that this is an excellent and thoughtful post Kevin.

I would like to discuss this quote though as I have heard it before and I wonder how realistic it is. I mean no marriage is perfect. I assume everyone is still working on some aspect of their marriage and improving it. How does one know when your existing marriage is good enough or settled enough to brave adding another wife?

 

[Nikud]

I assume everyone is still working on some aspect of their marriage and improving it.

The first thing my mother in law asked when we told her we believed that Polygyny is scriptural was what's wrong with your marriage. We had things we needed to improve, still do. Every marriage has things that can be improved. I was speaking of using Polygyny as a fix for a problem. Let's say either a husband or wife feels alone. I don't mean lonely, but they feel like they need someone new in the relationship to be able to emotionaly connect to or to even have conversation with. If a couple isn't emotionally connected they're broken. If a couple doesn't have conversations beyond poly they're broken. To me the question isn't about the little insignificant things like he forgets to put the toilet seat down or she uses up more than her share of the minutes and data in our phone plan. It's about the problems that could end a marriage. It's not a Polgynist marriage when the first marriage fails. I was stating that they needed to work on the crisis causing issues at hand and shouldn't be worried about adding more.

How does one know when your existing marriage is good enough or settled enough to brave adding another wife?

Thats the thing "settled enough" isn't a biblical concept but a societal one that varies from person to person. As for existing marriage being good enough, in my opinion if a couple is trying to live according to scripture, committed 100% to each other, both are secure that neither are going anywhere, and are aware of the issues that can arrive they're ready.

Edit: Thank you Cnystrom