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Stages of accepting PM

C

Cap

Guest
It seems to me that there a stages in accepting PM. For men, you either accept it and go with it and deal with whatever that process brings. But, for women, it appears there are two basic steps, but even these are done in stages.

For a woman it seems that accepting it as a possibility is the first step, and its gradual tolerability in ones mind. The second stage is accepting PM in real life, both for first wives and any other position. Once a woman says she will accept it in theory, there is still the possibility that reality will force her to change her mind.

I could be wrong but it doesn't appear that PM relationships go wrong because the husband made a mistake in deciding to have PM relationship, but that the wife, or wives have issues that keep them from functioning correctly in the relationship.

Do others see this or am I missing something?
 
Spot on brother...

Stage one = brainwash wife

Stage two = very carefully add females

Lol kidding of course...

But yea it seems to go as you say. Beginning many times with the Biblical discussion and researching to discover it's a thing. Then a slow transition of the following stage which is where it goes from "a thing" to a possible reality... And that's typically the phase where wife falls apart and with Gods help you gotta put her back together before it can truly become an actual reality.
 
Based on the stories I hear that it gets worse than that, once the first wife goes through the stages (and God helps you put her back together), then EVERYONE has to go through the turmoil of the stages a possible second wife has to go through on her own issues.
 
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I am glad that I am not the only wife "falling apart". Although I am finfing much peace when reading through this forum, so thank you all for that. I kbow that G-d directed my online searches here for a reason.
I absolutely feel like I am falling apart some days and slowly come back together just for there to be another bump. It all has to do with jealousy or insecurities (which I am always working on) but can step back and realize my emotional response was usually a little over the top and once we talk things out, pray or I find a common situation here on the forum I feel much more at peace with the decision to move forward with a poly lifestyle.
Women are full of emotions and need reassurance that we are loved especially when being introduced to poly, often times I fell like yelling at my husband just hold my hand a little longer, pick up my favorite drink on your way home just to show you aren't forgetting me.
 
Cap said:
I could be wrong but it doesn't appear that PM relationships go wrong because the husband made a mistake in deciding to have PM relationship, but that the wife, or wives have issues that keep them from functioning correctly in the relationship.
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You're missing something enormous. Just reverse your statement above to see the flip-side: If "the wife or wives have issues that (will) keep them from functioning correctly in the relationship", then "the husband made a mistake in deciding to have PM relationship".

To quote Hopper from A Bugs Life (why not...) "The first rule of leadership is: EVERYTHING is your fault".

Yes, the issues faced by families do often come back at least partly, often largely, to female emotions. But that's only part of the picture. In many cases it is at least partly a symptom of inadequate preparation on the part of the husband - or poor choices of women on his part.

It can certainly be a mistake for a man to pursue PM. It can be the biggest mistake he has ever made in his life. If he isn't prepared himself with the skills and empathy needed to run a plural home, if his wife / wives / prospective have been inadequately prepared or wrongly chosen, or even if everything looks good from a human perspective but it is not God's timing - it is a mistake to pursue PM.

Yes, we must recognise the major contribution that female emotions make to PM failure. But we can't take that information as a reason to blame marriage failure on the women. The authority of the husband to pursue marriage comes with an equal measure of responsibility for the consequences of that choice.
 
"For men, you either accept it and go with it and deal with whatever that process brings."

I made this statement more focused on trying to understand what women have to go though in this process, but that seemed to leave out what the process of accepting PM actually intails for a man.

First, you are completely in love with your wife, you are content and everything is at peace. Then comes this idea that God has a better path for you. You try to reason it out and even talk to you wife about it hoping she can help you understand at the same time she is suppose to accept it as a good thing for her. The emotional turmoil is only just beginning in BOTH of you. It all seems like a good idea to the man and they hope the wife will get onboard. But as she works through her stages, the man starts to realize the depth of what is being asked of him. The choices of following God or following your wife. The risk of losing it all. To come to the place of being asked to sacrifice your son, is a place few can go to easily, man or woman. Then as reality starts to form and the possibility of this actually working out comes the thoughts to a man about spending night's away from the one he loves. The idea of sharing a life instead of just living the one life with the one he loves while he starts to develop the same level of love and commitment to another. These things start to weigh heavy on him. I don't envy the struggles of a wife, but make no mistake, a husband is struggling with God and sometimes the pain is beyond compare in him. And that doesn't even begin to talk about the pain of losing a second in the process. No wonder few venture to this part of the mountain.
 
FollowingHim said:
You're missing something enormous. Just reverse your statement above to see the flip-side: If "the wife or wives have issues that (will) keep them from functioning correctly in the relationship", then "the husband made a mistake in deciding to have PM relationship".

To quote Hopper from A Bugs Life (why not...) "The first rule of leadership is: EVERYTHING is your fault".

Yes, the issues faced by families do often come back at least partly, often largely, to female emotions. But that's only part of the picture. In many cases it is at least partly a symptom of inadequate preparation on the part of the husband - or poor choices of women on his part.

It can certainly be a mistake for a man to pursue PM. It can be the biggest mistake he has ever made in his life. If he isn't prepared himself with the skills and empathy needed to run a plural home, if his wife / wives / prospective have been inadequately prepared or wrongly chosen, or even if everything looks good from a human perspective but it is not God's timing - it is a mistake to pursue PM.

Yes, we must recognise the major contribution that female emotions make to PM failure. But we can't take that information as a reason to blame marriage failure on the women. The authority of the husband to pursue marriage comes with an equal measure of responsibility for the consequences of that choice.
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Samuel, you and I will probably never see the same thing. You don't take into consideration the things God may lead a family into to bring them closer to Him. The path to God is not simple, its rather complicated, just like emotions. Please don't derail my thread.
 
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Not a thread derailment. I agree God's plan may be very complex. But that does not mean all complexity is His plan.

The question is, is this path God's plan, or my own?

And is this complexity just a step on the road He has for us, or a mess I have caused through my own mistakes that is actually distracting us from His plan?
 
Kasandra Sypherd said:
Women are full of emotions and need reassurance that we are loved especially when being introduced to poly, often times I fell like yelling at my husband just hold my hand a little longer, pick up my favorite drink on your way home just to show you aren't forgetting me.
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Well said!
Many times we here expressions like, its Gods will for me, or its the path God has chosen for me to walk, etc. Its almost like some feel we have no choice in the events taking place. The way I see it is that the choice is ours to make. Just because Jehovah has clearly shown that PM is both moral and acceptable, does not mean that we are personally chosen by God to walk that path. That choice is ours to make.
With regard to the statement from Kasandra above, spot on! If we as a husband choose to pursue another wife, then the first wife should not feel left behind or less loved and if she does, then we are the ones at fault not her. It is true that she will still have things to contend with such as jealousy, but I believe that if she is safe in our love and affection, as shown by the little things, like holding her hand a little longer and so on, then the possibility of a poly marriage is much more palatable. At least to my mind if we are unable to keep our first wife safe then we should possibly rethink our desire to take a second. That part of the load is ours to carry, not hers!
 
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

In other words, if we love God, we can not make wrong choices. Every choice we make trying to honor Him out of love, for better or worse, He will make work for good in our lives. If you can believe this verse.
 
Cap said:
In other words, if we love God, we can not make wrong choices. Every choice we make trying to honor Him out of love, for better or worse, He will make work for good in our lives. If you can believe this verse.
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Whoa!
What happened to “...deny yourself, take up your cross and follow ....”?

Saul was doing his best to honor YHWH.
 
steve said:
Whoa!
What happened to “...deny yourself, take up your cross and follow ....”?

Saul was doing his best to honor YHWH.
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Saul didn't live by faith, the only requirement to please God. So you deny Romans 8:28?

Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.

Who is to say whether someone is denying a cross for them and following Christ?

The key word here is love, how does one define love for another?

And by the way, Saul served the purposes of God.
 
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I started this thread because of all the pain I was seeing in families struggling and my own struggles with PM. I wasn't in the place to start saying that the failures were someone's fault or that they weren't following God. I was just trying to sympothize with those who are trying to find God in PM, the whole reason we are here in the first place.
 
Cap said:
In other words, if we love God, we can not make wrong choices.
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That's not what it says. It just says that God will work through all things for good. In other words, whatever occurs in our life (situations coming from outside, and our own choices), God will find some way to work good through it. But that doesn't mean that a different choice would not have been BETTER. Just that God is incredibly good at making the best of a bad situation.

To say that we cannot make wrong choices is to ignore the bulk of the teachings in scripture, which are all designed to teach us how to make the right choices. How to choose between right and wrong. How to choose obedience over sin. How to distinguish between the "clean" and the "unclean" (more accurately that which leads to life and that which leads to death). And what about the entire books devoted to wisdom - Proverbs and Ecclesiastes?

What would be the point of teaching us how to make right choices, if every choice we made was right anyway?
 
Please stop. You have no idea what I'm talking about. I have no intentions of explaining it to you.

Why is it that every time you get involved in a thread it always turns into an argument.
 
Back to the original topic, before that statement which just couldn't stand without some sort of response:

You're right about the stages a woman goes through in trying to come to grips with this, and the difference between mens brains and womens brains.

Part of this is because as men we see the positives first (awesome, I get more women!) and then only gradually appreciate the negatives the more we consider it.

While for a woman, she sees the negatives first (I need to share my husband, how will he love both of us, how will he provide for us?), and then only gradually appreciates the positives the more she considers it.

So there are stages of acceptance for men also, but they go in a different direction. Men start with complete acceptance ("this is right in theory therefore it's also right in practice, therefore I can do it tomorrow, where is my next woman?"), and then over years of maturity move to a more cautious perspective on the issue ("this is right in theory, but not necessarily the best thing for my family in practice today").

It's basically the same two stages, but in reverse order.

And it's only after both women and men have worked through both stages, that they are ready to do this successfully. Obviously they may jump in earlier and still be successful, as God may hold the family together while they work through their understanding and get to a point where they can be successful, it happens but it's more risky than waiting until everyone's ready as more often than not the family falls apart first.
 
Men see it as a problem to solve, which draws them in. Women feel threatened and rejected, which scares them off. I don't see men and women going through the same processes (in any sequence), and that wasn't my experience.
 
Cap said:
I could be wrong but it doesn't appear that PM relationships go wrong because the husband made a mistake in deciding to have PM relationship, but that the wife, or wives have issues that keep them from functioning correctly in the relationship.
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Yes, you are wrong.
This is total oversimplification.
You set up the straw man argument about the husband, which is only believed outside of the polygynous community, and then hypothesize that it is the wife’s fault.
There are myriads of reasons that both monogamous and polygynous marriages fail, blaming it all on the idea that the wife has issues is worse than wrong.
 
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steve said:
Yes, you are wrong.
This is total oversimplification.
You set up the straw man argument about the husband, which is only believed outside of the polygynous community, and then hypothesize that it is the wife’s fault.
There are myriads of reasons that both monogamous and polygynous marriages fail, blaming it all on the idea that the wife has issues is worse than wrong.
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Never said it was anyone's fault, just trying to understand the process. One thing I do know, it's sometimes easier to simplify thoughts here instead of trying to explain complicated ideas which seem to rattle cages. But then again, to some, whatever I do has the same effect.

Now, to try and clarify, in all the comments that I have seen here on this forum about the struggles that face families, I have yet to read about the husband mistreated, or disregarded, or generally didn't care about the well being of a wife or wives. It seems to me that once a husband decides to follow this course, there is a genuine effort to try and make it work. I would imgine most of that comes from trying to follow God and please Him more than anything else. (I realize there are some husbands who don't follow this idea, but I'm not talking about them, and haven't read about them here)

What I do read about is how a first or second or third wife has issues with the arrangements, or other wives in general and they leave or otherwise disrupt the family. My thought is how much different is that in a mongomous relationship when it comes to the authority structure in those relationships. My focus is only on the headship side of things and not the internal struggles of a family

There are many reasons for these things to take place and to try and understand the dynamics of a family is just impossible here. And so a simplified statement was made to just try and draw out discussion about why PM families fail. There are many reasons and it doesn't have to put fault on anyone but maybe help others, me in particular, to try and see where I could do better.

The other reason to simplify is because it's so dang hard to type complicated subjects on this stupid phone.
 
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