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Supporting your Husband

Littles

Littles

Member
Female
I am going to preface with its early and it has been a very long last week so my thoughts might come out a little jumbled.

I have noticed lately that supporting your husband is almost non existent in today’s society. Even the ladies that are hardcore LDS that I know don’t believe in true biblical relationships. (GOD, Husband, Wife, Children, the umbrella) We live in a small community and I don’t really know any other very religious women other than a few Catholics that rarely attend church and can’t have a biblical discussion so I know I am very limited in my overall view.

Saturday night I got a call at 10 asking if I could help a lady out by going and washing her dishes. She had a tragedy in the family the previous Monday and we had been going during the day and cleaning house but hubby felt that after a week we should give the family some space. And it was 10pm. I’m usually in bed by 8pm. I was about to say, I’m sorry my husband said I can’t go but instead said that my daughter wasn’t feeling well so I couldn’t make it.

The next morning I told my husband what had happened. (He was in bed asleep when they called) He said he was glad I didn’t go cause he would have been upset after telling me to let them have space.

I’m just wondering if any of you other women have had the same issue. My husband would not want me going on a 4 day girls only trip to Disney land, being out late on a weeknight, or not calling and checking in when I said I would be home but things ran longer. Not because he is a dictator but because he loves me and worries. He wouldn’t just be able to jump in the car and help if I got stranded in California. He would have to get up and loose very valuable sleep if anything happened when I was out late. (He has to be up for work most days at 2:30am others midnight) As for staying out after I said I would be home it’s just a common courtesy so he doesn’t have to worry. He gives me the same consideration. But, when I talk to my friends about it they just don’t get it. Their response is “I do what I want when I want. My husband doesn’t rule over me.” All I can think is it’s not about that it’s about consideration, and about following my husband lead. My emotions can lead me and he has an outside view that is much clearer. I put my trust in him to lead and he has always done an amazing job.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to ask is am I alone in this? The only one who obeys my husband? The only one who can read the words biblical, patriarchy, and obey and not see them as evil and demeaning? Does anyone else ever feel alone in following/ obeying your husband? And how do you keep the peace with your friends and loved ones on this issue? When it would be easy to say “My husband said I can’t” what do you say instead?
 
It sounds like our relationships are similar. Years ago I got involved with a singing group, but quit because my hubby didn't like me out late and driving 45 minutes each way. There is an area between there and home that gets no cell service, so even now it is common for us to call when heading home. Our oldest son does this as a courtesy.....understanding it will be dad coming out to fix or tow the car if it breaks down.
I had a recent conversation with divorced friend who sees Ex. 21 as oppressive to women who don't get to go out free after 6 years. I see it as protective. It is supposed to be a permanent relationship/placing/marriage. The man is not supposed to use her for six years and then toss her back on the market. I guess the difference is trust, and whether the man is honorable.
Thankfully my husband is.

Edited to say most men nowadays ask their wives if they can do things... it's a bassackward world!
 
Littles said:
But, when I talk to my friends about it they just don’t get it. Their response is “I do what I want when I want. My husband doesn’t rule over me.”
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I see this so often in modern day churches! I had my former pastor's wife confide in me that her and her husband thought my husband was abusive toward me. I believe it's because I would often say, "Let me talk to my husband." or "I'll run it by him first." We tend to have an odd sense of humor toward one another and I think people don't understand. What other's could see as a "put down" we see as funny. I butchered making our son's first birthday cake and he said, "It looks like a Smurf threw up on it!" I'll add a picture for context. I forgot to add the milk to the cake mix and didn't let the cream cheese thaw out. I'm kind of an impatient baker which isn't the best mix. :p
 
Cool Wifey Jones said:
I see this so often in modern day churches! I had my former pastor's wife confide in me that her and her husband thought my husband was abusive toward me. I believe it's because I would often say, "Let me talk to my husband." or "I'll run it by him first." We tend to have an odd sense of humor toward one another and I think people don't understand. What other's could see as a "put down" we see as funny. I butchered making our son's first birthday cake and he said, "It looks like a Smurf threw up on it!" I'll add a picture for context. I forgot to add the milk to the cake mix and didn't let the cream cheese thaw out. I'm kind of an impatient baker which isn't the best mix. :p
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A picture is worth a thousand words! :D

I had my sis in law call me once to ask if we were ok. She had been here to pick up some fruit trees we had ordered and overheard my hubby make some matter of fact criticisms of how I was doing things. She told me if her hubby had said those things to her she would have been devastated. I told her we are great! Even though I was pregnant I still understood why he said that...and I agreed with him and appreciated that he is straight up about things and speaks his mind.
Understanding each other makes all the difference! :) Its been almost seven years since. The trees we planted have grown and so has our relationship....and family. Life is good!
 
For YEARS, at our old church, any time I was involved in ministry, or if someone asked me to be involved in ministry—and things would get too crazy—my husband always told me that he was always my excuse. I didn’t need another. “My husband says I can’t” was something I pulled out often.
And, yeah, there were a lot of women who balked at that. Men, too, I’m sure.

We were invited to a bible study that my husband didn’t want to attend (my church was REALLY pushy about said study) and he, politely, told them “no” with no other explanation as is his way. He’s pretty private and doesn’t feel an explanation is necessary.
Well, one of the elder’s wives came up to me and insisted that, “Fine. If he doesn’t want to come, YOU still can.”
Needless to say, that didn’t go over well with the husband. :)

So, yes, I am VERY used to, in our 15-years of marriage, telling people no or “I have to talk to my husband”. It doesn’t go over well with people.

I have SO many examples of people just not understanding or even believing that I’m submissive to my husband.

He’s ultimately in charge of our household. So, everything lands on him. And, honestly, I’m quite content with that. :) If there’s ever anything I want to do, and he may not like it, we CAN have a discussion. But, safety and responsibilities here at home always trump everything else.
 
Littles said:
I am going to preface with its early and it has been a very long last week so my thoughts might come out a little jumbled.

I have noticed lately that supporting your husband is almost non existent in today’s society. Even the ladies that are hardcore LDS that I know don’t believe in true biblical relationships. (GOD, Husband, Wife, Children, the umbrella) We live in a small community and I don’t really know any other very religious women other than a few Catholics that rarely attend church and can’t have a biblical discussion so I know I am very limited in my overall view.

Saturday night I got a call at 10 asking if I could help a lady out by going and washing her dishes. She had a tragedy in the family the previous Monday and we had been going during the day and cleaning house but hubby felt that after a week we should give the family some space. And it was 10pm. I’m usually in bed by 8pm. I was about to say, I’m sorry my husband said I can’t go but instead said that my daughter wasn’t feeling well so I couldn’t make it.

The next morning I told my husband what had happened. (He was in bed asleep when they called) He said he was glad I didn’t go cause he would have been upset after telling me to let them have space.

I’m just wondering if any of you other women have had the same issue. My husband would not want me going on a 4 day girls only trip to Disney land, being out late on a weeknight, or not calling and checking in when I said I would be home but things ran longer. Not because he is a dictator but because he loves me and worries. He wouldn’t just be able to jump in the car and help if I got stranded in California. He would have to get up and loose very valuable sleep if anything happened when I was out late. (He has to be up for work most days at 2:30am others midnight) As for staying out after I said I would be home it’s just a common courtesy so he doesn’t have to worry. He gives me the same consideration. But, when I talk to my friends about it they just don’t get it. Their response is “I do what I want when I want. My husband doesn’t rule over me.” All I can think is it’s not about that it’s about consideration, and about following my husband lead. My emotions can lead me and he has an outside view that is much clearer. I put my trust in him to lead and he has always done an amazing job.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to ask is am I alone in this? The only one who obeys my husband? The only one who can read the words biblical, patriarchy, and obey and not see them as evil and demeaning? Does anyone else ever feel alone in following/ obeying your husband? And how do you keep the peace with your friends and loved ones on this issue? When it would be easy to say “My husband said I can’t” what do you say instead?
Click to expand...
Littles said:
I am going to preface with its early and it has been a very long last week so my thoughts might come out a little jumbled.

I have noticed lately that supporting your husband is almost non existent in today’s society. Even the ladies that are hardcore LDS that I know don’t believe in true biblical relationships. (GOD, Husband, Wife, Children, the umbrella) We live in a small community and I don’t really know any other very religious women other than a few Catholics that rarely attend church and can’t have a biblical discussion so I know I am very limited in my overall view.

Saturday night I got a call at 10 asking if I could help a lady out by going and washing her dishes. She had a tragedy in the family the previous Monday and we had been going during the day and cleaning house but hubby felt that after a week we should give the family some space. And it was 10pm. I’m usually in bed by 8pm. I was about to say, I’m sorry my husband said I can’t go but instead said that my daughter wasn’t feeling well so I couldn’t make it.

The next morning I told my husband what had happened. (He was in bed asleep when they called) He said he was glad I didn’t go cause he would have been upset after telling me to let them have space.

I’m just wondering if any of you other women have had the same issue. My husband would not want me going on a 4 day girls only trip to Disney land, being out late on a weeknight, or not calling and checking in when I said I would be home but things ran longer. Not because he is a dictator but because he loves me and worries. He wouldn’t just be able to jump in the car and help if I got stranded in California. He would have to get up and loose very valuable sleep if anything happened when I was out late. (He has to be up for work most days at 2:30am others midnight) As for staying out after I said I would be home it’s just a common courtesy so he doesn’t have to worry. He gives me the same consideration. But, when I talk to my friends about it they just don’t get it. Their response is “I do what I want when I want. My husband doesn’t rule over me.” All I can think is it’s not about that it’s about consideration, and about following my husband lead. My emotions can lead me and he has an outside view that is much clearer. I put my trust in him to lead and he has always done an amazing job.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to ask is am I alone in this? The only one who obeys my husband? The only one who can read the words biblical, patriarchy, and obey and not see them as evil and demeaning? Does anyone else ever feel alone in following/ obeying your husband? And how do you keep the peace with your friends and loved ones on this issue? When it would be easy to say “My husband said I can’t” what do you say instead?
Click to expand...
 
Thank you ladies. I know it sounds silly but knowing someone else is there too is very comforting.

@Cool Wifey Jones as long as it tastes good looks don’t matter.

@Joleneakamama I am with you. I appreciate a little bit of constructive criticism. It helps me be a better person. We also live a ways out from “town” lots of lost service areas and dark highways with no street lights.

@Sonshine I agree!! He is ultimately in charge of our household. Discussion is always an option but rarely needed. Which is comforting. Knowing that he is always open but usually making the best decisions for us all which takes weight off of my shoulders too.

So yes, yes, yes!!! I 100% agree and am so happy to have a little community of support. Thank you ladies!!
 
You are definitely not alone. My husband and I operate in a similar way too.
I do graphic design for our church and I aways tell them that I have to run it by my husband first to make sure he's OK with it. It feels awkward sometimes, but it's for my good. He's looking out for me so I don't over commit myself.
When I say I need to ask my husband to a lady a church for instance I think that it's a good example to her.
I know our world and our culture has it so backward. I find safety and comfort in knowing my husband is looking out for me and taking care of me. It's how it's supposed to be!
 
When Samuel's family started getting on my back about stopping have kids, I told them to go talk to Samuel about it. I said he was the boss and it was up to him if we had more kids or not. They kept coming back to me, and I kept sending them back to Samuel, at his request. You see, the thing is that they had an agenda, to stop us having children, and they thought that I was the weakest link in order to get that agenda done. I don't do well with confrontation, I almost always don't say the right words at the time. Samuel on the other hand is fantastic at it! They really didn't like me sending them to Samuel, but it worked eventually and they stopped hassling me about it.

When we were kicked out of the church for our poly beliefs, not one person came to me to ask how I felt about it. I expected certain women to want to make sure I was OK, to keep in touch, maybe to even try to convince me my husband was wrong. No one did, and honestly I think it's because they knew that they couldn't change my mind. First of all I wholeheartedly believed in PM and had heard from YHWH about it myself, but also I always obeyed Samuel, we always did what he wanted, and I think that that showed enough so they knew there was no point discussing it with me.

Samuel and I are a team. A team doesn't mean the same as. We are different parts of a team that work together to function well. Samuel is the head, the boss, he makes the decisions. I'm OK with that. I don't want to make the decisions, I want to follow him, so I do.
People confuse the word equal. They think that men and women have to be equal in marriage as well as everywhere else, because they equate equality with worth. But that's not true. Men and women are different, have different roles, and are of equal worth.
 
Cute story-
My little one wanted something in a store we were at, he asked me if he could get it. Before I could answer he proceeds to say, “nevermind, I’ll ask dada, he’s the real boss anyway.” Yes, child. Dada is the boss and I’m glad you know it already. I love that my kids recognize the order of things... not many do and most think mom is in charge.
 
My family's dynamic is the same way. I will never do anything without consulting my husband. I like it that way and feel like it is a load off my shoulders in most cases becauses the responsibility is laid on him. Major and minor decisions goes through him. If he is not at home, I will call him and ask him if I am making the right decisions in a matter and he will say yes or no. He doesn't want me out a night, as an example because he says that it is not safe. Do I argue with him. No. I can see that he is concerned for my safety. When my children are sick, I will call him and ask him if it warrants a Dr's appointment or weight it out. He always let's me know. It truly takes the weight and stress off my shoulders and puts it on his. I am also very respectful to him and will never disrespect him. I have two older daughters that are married to decent men and I am constantly telling them to respect and honor their husbands. This one is defiantly a work in process because they are young and haven't yet learned this wisdom. My mother in law says that I make my husband into a God and should not have to get his permission or advice on all matters. She has said this on more occasions that I can remember. I do not make my husband into a God but I give him his place as a leader in all matters and he loves me as Christ loves the church.
 
I may be off on this...but not by much, if any....
Based on retreat experience, I would say that is the one thing that we ladies have in common here. :)
It is what makes the retreats so special, to be with other women who you know will not be criticizing or downing their husbands, is so very uplifting. I always feel so awkward when I'm around those other kind of women which is pretty much all of them. :(
FairyLass said:
I have two older daughters that are married to decent men and I am constantly telling them to respect and honor their husbands. This one is defiantly a work in process because they are young and haven't yet learned this wisdom.
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Aren't we all... I have my moments as well... ​
 
I often wonder why out of all the godly women I know most of them still don't understand biblical submission and obedience! It something that isn't talked about in church. They always say respect your husbands. But the Bible tells women to treat their husbands with reverence which is different than respect. To be in submission and to be obedient. Funny how people can pick and choose what to obey in the Bible. So many women follow our culture when it comes to how to treat their spouse.
It's nice to hear you ladies are on the same page!
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
Cute story-
My little one wanted something in a store we were at, he asked me if he could get it. Before I could answer he proceeds to say, “nevermind, I’ll ask dada, he’s the real boss anyway.” Yes, child. Dada is the boss and I’m glad you know it already. I love that my kids recognize the order of things... not many do and most think mom is in charge.
Click to expand...

I'm constantly saying to my kids "I'll have to talk to Dad about that." They totally respect it, and have started recognizing that it probably means the answer will be "no" or "wait". ;)
 
Sorry so late to this conversation. I too have had the "your husband treats you so harshly" scenario from friends. It was early in our marriage so I didn't really know what to say, mostly because I didn't know why they thought that. Only later as I learned even more about headship and Patriarchy did I understand what they felt. (P.S. that family has recently gotten a divorce.) I am the first to admit that I don't rely on my husband's wisdom about things as much as I should. It is a work in process. I remember very clearly the moment I realized that I didn't have to be in "control" of everything in my marriage. Not my job. It was such a weight off me. I think I actually lost 5 pounds just from not having the stress of that Lie in my mind! :)
 
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