Thought I was ok but clearly not

[Jessie]

I have been awake since 4am talking to God and telling myself, "everything is going to be just fine. Stop worrying. Trust your husbands leadership." In one moment I can see a very clear picture. It's so beautiful. In another I see my jealousy set in, all I have worked hard on for so many years being shared with a new wife while I'm pushed to the side line. New courtship means he will be thinking about the new relationship A LOT. I couldn't imagine it not being new and exciting. If it wasn't why do it? But my anxiety is so real I can't sleep often and barely breath. Meletonin doesn't even help. What if she comes, gets all involved in my kids lives and decides to leave? That would upset me so bad for my childrens hearts sake. What if she loves my husband but doesn't love the rest of us? Are her and I to look to each other as best friends or just working partners? Why was I created to be his help meet in a plural marriage when I'm so unsettled a lot of the time. How do I submit to his desire while my heart can't take it? As a help meet how does that help anybody? I wish I had better clearer beautiful picture days in my thought process. Cause those days are few but they are so beautiful. And then the real scared me comes out at 4am or earlier some nights and I just want to disappear. What makes this harder is feeling this way and today is our 9 yr anniversary. I feel such guilt and sadness and wish I could let it go feeling this way when I am submitted to him. Am I allowed to be submitted and feel this way or is it wrong? Sorry for the vent. I just don't know who to lean on during all these emotions besides God and writing out my feelings.

 

[Joleneakamama]

I wish I had better clearer beautiful picture days in my thought process. Cause those days are few but they are so beautiful. And then the real scared me comes out at 4am or earlier some nights and I just want to disappear.

I can't personally relate to your stress over plural and the what if scenarios. I am not the sort that worries like that... it's just not me. I don't have long to write but the back and forth aspect you mentioned I CAN relate to. It's part of being human and a woman. Our feelings change and for a million different reasons. Doubt fear and uncertainty have a million triggers. (Or more )

When I was a teen I kinda figured out everything is worse when I am tired. That realization helped me make better decisions about what to think about/meditate on that leveled out my "on top of the clouds or in the pit of dispair" mood or mind swings.

At 4 am, the thoughts or voices in your head are only on your side if it/they are speaking peace and comfort. If it causes you to stress I'm pretty dang sure that is NOT the 'real you' that is scared.

My advice....for what it's worth. Ignore any thought that takes you to a place of worry about a future that may not ever even happen (good or bad) and live each day and moment as it comes.

From what I can tell you want to do what is right in your marriage. That gets you halfway to forever in my experience.

(And there is no difference between halfway and 'you made it' because forever has no end. )

 

[RainyLondonFog]

In one moment I can see a very clear picture. It's so beautiful. In another I see my jealousy set in, all I have worked hard on for so many years being shared with a new wife while I'm pushed to the side line.

I understand this and often feel like this myself. I am a worrier and I often fear that my husband will forget me if he has another wife. But we can't live there. We only need to get through day's struggles. I know it is easier to say, then it is to get our thoughts in line. I find great comfort is remembering I don't have to fight my imaginary battles today, I only need to fight the battles I am brought for this day.

New courtship means he will be thinking about the new relationship A LOT. I couldn't imagine it not being new and exciting. If it wasn't why do it?

That might be true, but what will also play a major part is your attitude. I've decided that I am not going to fight my husband if he decides to pursue someone again. The reason is because I want him to be blessed. And if our Lord decides that is the form that he'll be blessed, then I want him to have it. Even if it might stretch me and hurt me through the process, I want him to be blessed because I am blessed for having him and I see that if I am so blessed I would be selfish to not want others to be under his covering as well. It has been a long road to get here, and actually even this morning I am a little weepy at the idea of someone new coming but I am strengthen and revived by knowing if that is what is coming it is coming because it is the Lord's will and His will is what's best.

But my anxiety is so real I can't sleep often and barely breath. Meletonin doesn't even help.

Oh I hear ya. I struggle with anxiety from time to time as well. And my anxiety usually takes the place of not being able to sleep also. Psalms says so much about God giving rest to His people in the mist of their troubles, if you can't sleep ask for His help. I find that listening to sermons or the Bible being read is one of the way that helps me the most when I feel troubled by lack of sleep. And @Joleneakamama is right, troubles always seem worse when we are tired.

What if she comes, gets all involved in my kids lives and decides to leave? That would upset me so bad for my childrens hearts sake. What if she loves my husband but doesn't love the rest of us? Are her and I to look to each other as best friends or just working partners?

You can't play the 'what if' game. If it comes, it comes for a purpose, for growth and the Lord is with you every step of the way.

Why was I created to be his help meet in a plural marriage when I'm so unsettled a lot of the time. How do I submit to his desire while my heart can't take it? As a help meet how does that help anybody?

Because the Lord sees something beautiful in you. It's down in there and needs to be refined to come out. It's a hard process but if you have the courage to preserve with the Lord through this then you will reap riches beyond what you can imagine. I had someone tell me (and this was not even poly related) in a moment of clarity she saw what a mess she was and she asked the Lord to hurry up with the process and change who she was and she said the Lord replied back to her "If I moved any faster, it would kill you." It is a slow process. But it is worth it, just remind yourself you only have to fight today's fight.

I wish I had better clearer beautiful picture days in my thought process. Cause those days are few but they are so beautiful.

They will come more, trust and wait for Him to work in you. <3

What makes this harder is feeling this way and today is our 9 yr anniversary. I feel such guilt and sadness and wish I could let it go feeling this way when I am submitted to him. Am I allowed to be submitted and feel this way or is it wrong?

I think that it is natural to feel so mixed about poly. Try let go of the guilt and sadness. I've heard it said that the Holy Spirit is here to comfort and encourage us and not to bring guilt so if it is guilt it's not from God. Remember it's okay to have feelings, everyone who is human has them. It's just not okay to be ruled by them. Be kind to yourself as you are walking in new and uncharted territory, trust your guides (God and your husband), it will be okay. <3

 

[RainyLondonFog]

 

[AlexaH]

So as a second wife I would like to chime in on this conversation. My hubby and myself are willing to go above our own needs and make sure that the first wife is supported in every way possible. Do we have moments of jealousy etc? Of course, those are human feelings and they can't be ignored but the real power comes in recognizing and acknowledging the feeling and working through it. We are not perfect. If we focus on the what ifs all the time then this would lead to much anxiety and confusion. I can ask my sister wife her take on the situation and post her response here as well. They were married 24 years before I came into the picture. The idea of us separating is far from my mind. We work together as a team. My sister wife is a huge blessing to me. She has children and I don't. I rely on her for back up and support when I am correcting a child and she does back me up and I back her up. The thing that makes this possible is she has become my best friend and biggest cheerleader. I hope this helps.

 

[Patricia C]

I have found that worry over a second wife is a waste of time, energy, and heartache.
Just because you want a second wife or believe in poly marriages doesn't mean it will happen. I believed for a long time that Yah had someone for me. A family through study and observations I have learned that most of the people will become poly supporters and that is needed for there to come about change in society and the hearts og mankind. What makes this so hard is the way that society views poly marriages. Jealousy is a taught behavior and we as a society teach our daughters that if a man loves more than one then it is because he is thinking with his..... Or because in some way we aren't good enough, we Must be doing something wrong if our man is looking outside the marriage bed. Society has made the second a trollop, whore, home wrecker... So why in a world would a single woman want to subject herself to being all those things the world sees her as? Well if Yah calls you to this life and your focus is on Him and His desires of your life that helps. The mental regulation is still there. Their are a handful of families with more than one wife on here. I have heard many of the women speak in a way that I don't ever want to be a second! I believe Poly is ordained by God and should Yah put a family in my life then I will gladly walk in, I just don't believe it is as easy as saying ok I believe in this way of life therefore we must get married. It doesn't happen for the majority.
I believe the shifting of mindsets helps future generations. I believe the poly families today are breaking ground for future generations. We need to stop conditioning our daughters into believing lies and finding a NEW way of looking at the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4... No one wants to be looked at or thought of as second best. No woman wants to be hidden, made to hide her love out of fear of reproduction to her husband/family. No woman wants to loose her identity as a wife. No woman wants to be a dirty secret, No woman wants to live under the subjection of the first wife.... The only way this changes is to educate and retrain the hearts and minds of our young ones.
So, in short take a deep breath, pray for your husband to have a servants heart (servant of God not man) pray He shows you where you need to make adjustments in your thinking and attitude. Teach your children Bible truths. Yah will send your family someone when He feels you are ready. Let it happen naturally. Get your head out of the way and don't over think it. As for your children. We all want to protect our children from heartache. We can't all the time. This is their journey and their life story as well. Choose wisely who you allow into your lives. Don't jump to quickly. I am sure you will find a lot of support here.
Blessings and Shalom

 

[Joleneakamama]

@Patricia C you said a ton of insightful things from a single woman's perspective that I wish newbies would take to heart!

I will attempt to pull out a few of my favorite points without quoting the whole thing.

Jealousy is a taught behavior and we as a society teach our daughters that if a man loves more than one then it is because he is thinking with his..... Or because in some way we aren't good enough, we Must be doing something wrong if our man is looking outside the marriage bed.

No woman wants to loose her identity as a wife. No woman wants to be a dirty secret, No woman wants to live under the subjection of the first wife.... The only way this changes is to educate and retrain the hearts and minds of our young ones.

Your best suggestion of all was to to "Teach your children biblical truths."

As the true nature of politicians becomes more apparent, hopefully more will put their trust in The King of kings.

 

[Robeld]

I have found that worry over a second wife is a waste of time, energy, and heartache.
Just because you want a second wife or believe in poly marriages doesn't mean it will happen. I believed for a long time that Yah had someone for me. A family through study and observations I have learned that most of the people will become poly supporters and that is needed for there to come about change in society and the hearts og mankind. What makes this so hard is the way that society views poly marriages. Jealousy is a taught behavior and we as a society teach our daughters that if a man loves more than one then it is because he is thinking with his..... Or because in some way we aren't good enough, we Must be doing something wrong if our man is looking outside the marriage bed. Society has made the second a trollop, whore, home wrecker... So why in a world would a single woman want to subject herself to being all those things the world sees her as? Well if Yah calls you to this life and your focus is on Him and His desires of your life that helps. The mental regulation is still there. Their are a handful of families with more than one wife on here. I have heard many of the women speak in a way that I don't ever want to be a second! I believe Poly is ordained by God and should Yah put a family in my life then I will gladly walk in, I just don't believe it is as easy as saying ok I believe in this way of life therefore we must get married. It doesn't happen for the majority.
I believe the shifting of mindsets helps future generations. I believe the poly families today are breaking ground for future generations. We need to stop conditioning our daughters into believing lies and finding a NEW way of looking at the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4... No one wants to be looked at or thought of as second best. No woman wants to be hidden, made to hide her love out of fear of reproduction to her husband/family. No woman wants to loose her identity as a wife. No woman wants to be a dirty secret, No woman wants to live under the subjection of the first wife.... The only way this changes is to educate and retrain the hearts and minds of our young ones.
So, in short take a deep breath, pray for your husband to have a servants heart (servant of God not man) pray He shows you where you need to make adjustments in your thinking and attitude. Teach your children Bible truths. Yah will send your family someone when He feels you are ready. Let it happen naturally. Get your head out of the way and don't over think it. As for your children. We all want to protect our children from heartache. We can't all the time. This is their journey and their life story as well. Choose wisely who you allow into your lives. Don't jump to quickly. I am sure you will find a lot of support here.
Blessings and Shalom

Wise, wise words...

 

[Robeld]

I'm not sure if this will help , but I recently wrote a short article on jealousy. Maybe there will be something of value to help in your situation...

https://113restoration.com/2020/03/31/lets-talk-about-jealousy/