tips for the talk

[SouthernCross]

I'm very interested to hear from other men who, beginning from a monogamous marriage, have learned the truth of Biblical polygyny and have (successfully or unsuccessfully) shared that revelation with their wife. How did you begin the conversation for the very first time? (e.g. 'Honey, I've been thinking - how would you feel about having a sisterwife')??!!

I've been reading a lot from this site, and from the scriptures, but I can't for the life of me work out how I can share any of it with my wife without completely upsetting her (again). For those unfamiliar with my introductory post, you can read it here viewtopic.php?f=32&t=4303)

Previous advice I've read here on BF (can't remember which thread, sorry) suggested beginning with the notion of Biblical Patriarchy, and I think that is a very good idea. Still, feminist ideals run so deep within our culture that even that beginning point creates the possibility of severe misunderstanding. My wife is a spirit filled, God-fearing, stay-at-home mum with conservative morality who deeply loves the Lord and wants to serve him with all she has. Nevertheless, implanted feminist ideals still lurk within her core (and mine too, I'm sure), and when brought to the surface can manifest in a terrible, self-justified rage. (She was not a Christian until 18yo, and her mother was a young woman in swinging-sixties London).

I absolutely believe that sharing the truth of polygyny with her is not only possible, but with the Lord's help will happen. However, for me there is the added complication of urgency regarding a real-world situation (again, refer to my introductory post); yet I desperately don't want to rush things and stuff it all up. I'd really like some tips on how to begin the conversation with my wife in a way that overcomes her ingrained cultural preference for monogamy, and at the same time preserves her dignity and helps her to feel loved/valued/nourished/protected, etc

 

[FollowingHim]

I first seriously discussed this with my wife after she saw news about Warren Jeffs. She told me about what he had done, while calling himself a "Christian", despite what he did being unscriptural in her mind. I pointed out to her which bits of the situation were unscriptural, but also that polygyny itself was actually ok biblically. We looked at the Bible together and discussed it in some depth. She asked me if I would ever take a second wife, and at the time I didn't really see this as a serious option in the West, so told her honestly that I could only see this happening if we were missionaries in Africa or somewhere. She tells me now that she was from that point determined to ensure we didn't become missionaries, but I never knew that and it didn't affect our relationship.

Several years later we found Biblical Families and started to see this as a serious option. At that point God must have been working strongly in my wife's heart, so after a few weeks of her avoiding the topic she became interested in it herself and spent several days just reading old posts here, and we ended up on the same page.

Four key points I see there from my experience:
1) Discuss it about others, not yourselves. Introduce it not for the two of you but rather look at what the Bible really says about someone in the news or the Old Testament, whatever comes up.
2) Time. I know you're in a hurry, but the fact is your wife will need lots of this.
3) Other people actually do this. There are women who are not brainwashed but have come to realise this is scriptural and live it happily. Your wife will need to know you're not a lone heretic, and that you're not getting involved with a cult, but that there are other women she could talk to about this.
4) PRAYER. Most important. What will ultimately determine the outcome is your wife's heart. You cannot change this. But God both hardens and softens people's hearts. If this is truly His will for your lives, He can work in her heart and help her to see this plan for your family just as clearly as you do.

People don't change their minds on this through theological debate, but through the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Seek that for her.

 

[pebble]

4) PRAYER. Most important. What will ultimately determine the outcome is your wife's heart. You cannot change this. But God both hardens and softens people's hearts. If this is truly His will for your lives, He can work in her heart and help her to see this plan for your family just as clearly as you do.

This is the most important, definitely. It has been rough but we are past the roughest part. We are growing together in Christ, in separate but parallel ways, if that makes sense. I love my wife and part of the pain is being aware that I am causing her some hurt.

Just take the lead, sir, God has His way and His timing. Pretty amazing, actually... God.

 

[andrew]

Good advice from FollowingHim, and good testimony from pebble. Just wanted to add one thing; this may already be in your mind, or it may follow from what's already been said, but I don't think it can be over-emphasized.

There is no magic formula. There is nothing that will make this easy or guarantee a positive outcome. There is no spiel that will overwhelm her objections and fears in one conversation. Prepare yourself to up your game as a husband—this is not about talking your wife into anything, it is about being the kind of man she'll follow anywhere.

Think of what you're doing as preparing for and then running a marathon, and you won't be far off.

 

[Elisheba]

Per Samuel's great advice. Time and prayer are so important. I believed in polygamy being biblical but when my hubby wanted to add another wife to OUR family I still needed time. You can get something intellectually and still have some major emotions to work through. I needed to hear from my husband that he loved me as much as ever, that he was happy with me....to be reassured often. What really helped me though was when I prayed for Yah to give me the emotions that He wanted me to have about our situation. My emotions changed almost immediately at that point. It takes us being willing to give up our desires, dreams and expectations and realize that Yah may have something better for us, even if it is something we never dreamed of wanting before then.

 

[Courting4Life]

I'm not aware of any family that had a mirror image introduction or experience in regards to Biblical plural marriage. The one constant I have noticed is that when men are looking for a fight we get one.

When we are seeking our Creator (as opposed to a desired lifestyle), it all lines up. "All" may or may not include third world missions, soup kitchens, supplying waterproof Bibles for active duty military, or polygyny. The best way for a husband to lead is to be led of the Spirit.

Turns out the foundation was laid by accepting Biblical polygyny individually through self study before we ever met. However, the topic had never arisen. Neither of us had pursued or desired a polygynous family unit, were in our twelfth year of fulfilling marriage and not feeling as though anything was lacking. Our "talk" occurred when a news blooper of some sort mentioned polygyny. We both looked at one another and could simply tell the other was looking for a response because each of us accepted it. Four back and forth sentences later and we let the subject be as we studied the Word and prayed individually. It was on both of our hearts. I later discovered our prayer was the same, that if it was not our Creator's will that we be enlightened through the Word or Spirit to remove it from our hearts. After a couple of weeks our desire and peace remained and we continued in one accord.

 

[andrew]

SC, I have a private message in to you from about a week and a half ago that you might want to check out. Let me know here if you are having trouble checking PMs.

I mention that here in case you're not familiar with the way these discussion boards work. Ever since the board upgrade that reorganized the menus, the PM notification box has been a little weird, and it's not entirely obvious what it's supposed to do (it looks like some kind of pop-up that you might just close on principle). And I don't think the board notifies you via email that you have a PM unless you set it that way in your control panel; I think the default is no notification.

Or maybe you're just ignoring me and that's okay too. Just didn't want that to get missed unless it was on purpose.

 

[SouthernCross]

Hi Andrew,
I've found your message and replied - you're right, I was not aware of it in my inbox, sorry! I've hit send and my reply to you is currently in the 'outbox'. I'm assuming that once you receive and read it it will be in my 'sent' folder. Please let me know if you haven't got it and I will send it through again.
SC

 

[andrew]

Hi, SC. You are correct about the relationship between the Outbox and the Sent box; that's how I knew you hadn't even seen my message yet and might not be aware of it. (If it had gone to my Sent box and you had never responded, I would have left you alone, figuring you just didn't want to engage.)

I've got your PM and will be sending you a response shortly.

A

 

[JustAGuy]

My wife and I are in the process of discussing this ourselves. I like the suggestion of initially discussing this as it applies to "others" and people in the Bible. Do not push. Take your time. One conversation a week has been a lot for us. Once a month has been better. My wife is now pushing for more convo's because she has more (insightful and hard) questions for me. I usually now don't have answers to her questions - if she could stick to theological questions it would be easier but she asks smart things like, "why do you want to do this?" and "is it important for you to have children with her?" and other things I haven't thought thru. Anyway: God can do ANYTHING (both help keep you miraculously from doing this if you all aren't ready yet & help change hearts/minds as he sees fit) --- seek him first and "all these things will be added unto you."

 

[andrew]

...if she could stick to theological questions it would be easier...

Bingo!

The "what the bible says" part is actually the easy part. The hard part is getting really honest with each other and rethinking your relationship in the new light (and sometimes turning on a light can be a little hard on the eyes until you get used to it).

 

[cnystrom]

...if she could stick to theological questions it would be easier...

Bingo! The "what the bible says" part is actually the easy part.

I agree. The Biblical part is pretty straightforward and can be easily understood with some open minded study.

What helped us was that when we first got interested in polygamy we were watching Big Love (and later Sister Wives), which made it easier for my wife to visualize it and to see the possible advantages (and disadvantages).

The other thing for us, is that there is no one imminent so there is no sense of urgency which makes the discussion less stressful.

 

[SouthernCross]

PRAYER. Most important. What will ultimately determine the outcome is your wife's heart. You cannot change this. But God both hardens and softens people's hearts. If this is truly His will for your lives, He can work in her heart and help her to see this plan for your family just as clearly as you do.
People don't change their minds on this through theological debate, but through the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Seek that for her.

Since being led by the Lord to think positively about polygamy, and then recognising what an uphill climb it will be, my prayer life has definitely increased. If nothing else, the related concepts of what a Bible-centred family should look like have caused me to press in deeper for my wife and children. You could say that polgyamy is ALREADY a blessing to me - and knowing the positive outcomes it has already produced, I can confidently believe that the Lord will not leave this work half done. The Lord has worked many miracles for us over the years, and I trust that He can and will align my wife's heart with His will.

There is no magic formula. There is nothing that will make this easy or guarantee a positive outcome. There is no spiel that will overwhelm her objections and fears in one conversation. Prepare yourself to up your game as a husband—this is not about talking your wife into anything, it is about being the kind of man she'll follow anywhere.

Great advice andrew. I’m learning a lot lately about my role as family leader, and although I’ve never been afraid to take my family ‘off-road’ (and have done so many times), polygamy is an issue that will change the family’s every-day dynamics, for life. Strong leaders live ‘not by bread alone, but by the very Word of God’, and sacrifice other things in order to do so. This is the kind of husband I am learning to be.

What really helped me though was when I prayed for Yah to give me the emotions that He wanted me to have about our situation. My emotions changed almost immediately at that point. It takes us being willing to give up our desires, dreams and expectations and realize that Yah may have something better for us, even if it is something we never dreamed of wanting before then.

What a lovely testimony, Elisheba. I will pray that the Lord would also show my wife his heart for our family.

One conversation a week has been a lot for us. Once a month has been better.

Yeah, with everything that happens in our family within a week, I reckon this would be about the right pace for us, too.

 

[SouthernCross]

What helped us was that when we first got interested in polygamy we were watching Big Love (and later Sister Wives), which made it easier for my wife to visualize it and to see the possible advantages (and disadvantages).

Watching BigLove was what first brought the notion of modern polygamy to my attention. My wife and I watched it together for a few seasons, so there's a building block there!

rethinking your relationship in the new light (and sometimes turning on a light can be a little hard on the eyes until you get used to it).

This actually frightens me a little bit. The theological stuff is easy, but changing the way I think/act as a husband, and the way I relate to my wife (wives?) on a practical level means emotional adjustment as well as cognitive. I want my life and thinking to honour God, and I embrace his surgery to extract harmful and ungodly attitudes to marriage. Yet we've developed a good balance over the years, and upsetting that because of a new conviction is likely to hurt for a while...

 

[andrew]

Since being led by the Lord to think positively about polygamy, and then recognising what an uphill climb it will be, my prayer life has definitely increased. If nothing else, the related concepts of what a Bible-centred family should look like have caused me to press in deeper for my wife and children. You could say that polgyamy is ALREADY a blessing to me...

This makes me happy! You get it! It's not about the number of wives you have, it's about honesty and openness and the kind of husband and father you are regardless of how the other stuff works out.

- and knowing the positive outcomes it has already produced, I can confidently believe that the Lord will not leave this work half done. The Lord has worked many miracles for us over the years, and I trust that He can and will align my wife's heart with His will.

And I'm pretty sure this makes the Lord happy. Your trust in him to get you where he wants you to get will give you patience and gentleness in your dealings with your wife and strength and endurance to 'finish the race'. Good show!