Lilac, this is a very good question and as many persons who read this question there will be as many different responses. I am not a second or even a first. However, I have been courted, I have experienced what it is like to try and build relationships with the first and sometimes second. This is a very challenging process for all involved. And at times heartbreaking when the relationships do not evolve the way we hope. Issues that a second deals with are #1. Jealously! From both sides, themselves and the 1st wife. This isn’t just jealousy over intimacy and time spent but over many aspects of the relationship. 2nd. Legitimacy of the relationship. 3rd finding ones identity in the relationship. 4th. Accepting of your roll in the family. 5th. What is the goal or vision of the family? Is there a family mission? (It is my belief every family should have a mission and an idea of what it will take to accomplish said mission. Much like a business would have a business plan with a mission statement)
I deeply care for the one I was “courting in my understanding of courting” his wife is amazing! I would have loved to have joined their family and we still talk from time to time. We didn’t have Jealousy issues as far as I am aware, neither of us are Jealous women where intimacy and time spent is concerned.
When a husband takes on a second there is question of the legal legitimacy of your position as a wife and legal protection should things not work out.
Unfortunately I have heard of women/“wives” loosing far more at the exit than they had going into the marriage. The husband and 1st wife were stronger financially and in net worth than the “wife” who was now out of the marriage. These are very real issues to address and consider before you agree to a marriage. Some would say that the scriptures suggest husbands treat their wives equally because they love them but it doesn’t say that. It says a First wife cannot have less than if there is more than one wife. The scriptures tell us that a husband must not diminish what the first wife has in order to take on a second wife Exodus 21:10 yet the scriptures don’t tell us that any subsequent wife will be given an equal portion. What it does say 1 Peter 3:7 says the husband is to be considerate and respectful and in …I believe it is Colossians..above all Love Your wives Ephesians 5:25 Husbands hold the key to a flourishing marriage. Men are to be initiators. The wife comes into full fruition and submission in response to the husband loving her as he should. Yet no where that I have found commands a husband to provide the same for each wife.
In the years of my being involved with this community, for myself, legitimacy is/has been a difficult reality. In some cases the husband and the first have already become financially established, have a legal marriage on record, own a home or property and they built that together. As a second coming into a marriage, unless she has her own financial wealth and property, this can make the first feel protective over what she has built with her husband. The second doesn’t have those years or foundation. So some jealousy may arise. The second may feel she is working and building on what the husband and 1st wife have established but does not have the rewards. Or the legal security the first wife has ( According to the law of the land) This is very delicate situation especially if we have accepted the ideology of a patriarchal home. Not to mention when one has sewn many years and possibly even millions of dollars into the marriage and someone with lesser means comes in. Woe! It is tough!
Finding your identity in the marriage. I asked the family what it was they needed from a second. The response was in short, and not these words of course. What they needed was a maid and a nanny. She would of course have conjugal rights, and a roof over her head. (My head as it would have been) yet my desires and strengths were not of consideration or I didn’t feel that they would have been as they were not needed.
Is there a path, mission or life goal the family has and how does it align with your own core values? I am a business minded woman. I have been a business owner for many years. Some of my endeavors have not been prosperous while others I have seen great successes. I find it hard to go into anything in life without a vision and a goal. I like knowing where my boundaries lie. It may sound rigid but the entire Bible is set up for us this way. We have a directive to Love Your God with your whole heart, body, mind and soul. Our Torah is the “Business Plan” for which everything else comes from. Some families it is all about preaching the gospel and winning souls through fire and brimstone preaching, others it may be farming, some it may be teaching the earth is flat and we have all been lied too. Or how about preparing for a cataclysm doomsday event. Regardless of your passions and calling we have to know what is expected and what direction we are going to reach our destination. If we use this guide it helps us to find the like minded who will walk along side us to fulfill our mission we will have much more success than if we go all willy nilly aimlessly going through life.
So as a perspective 2nd these are all things I look at. All of which at some-point or another I have had to ask myself can I live with in a perspective family??? To this day there is only one family I love but we have not been able to solidify a permanent relationship. Marriage is not for the weak and should never be entered into without thorough examination.
I hope this helps you and I am sure there will be plenty of other commenters to help answer your questions. I pray your family is blessed and the will of Adonai is done in all your lives.
