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What does it mean to be Polygyny minded?

sweetlissa

sweetlissa

Member
Real Person
Female
Not too long ago, a woman asked me if I would chose a polygynous relationship over a monogamous relationship every time? At the time I said "NO" but I didn't really understand why I said it. During a discussion with my hubby tonight it all clicked into place for me.

I believe that polygyny is blessed by God. I don't believe it is the only marriage God recognizes. I don't believe that monogamy is any more or less a marriage. I don't feel any less married to my hubby because I am second wife. I hope that T doesn't feel any less married because I exist.

But this is a discussion that we have had a few times. Say the worst happened, and our husband died. Give us a few years and we have thoroughly mourned his loss and we are ready to find a new husband. Because we were polygynous before, do we have to be polygynous now? Are we a "package deal?"

Hubby and I were talking about this tonight and he thought that it meant there was something wrong with me. Like I was being dishonest about my beliefs. But it isn't that .. It is about the relationship. If I love a man who is polygamous I would be polygamous, but if I love a man who is monogamous I would be monogamous. I would never exclude a relationship because he was one way or another.

This is because it is about relationships and family, not about poly v monogamy. The first priority is about the quality of your relationships and building each other up. So many marriages these days are full of people tearing each other down. That is one of the goals of this ministry, to help people to grow healthy relationships that build each other up rather than tear each other down.

SweetLissa
 
Sweet Lissa,

Would you and T still be considered married if your husband passed away? I mean without no husband it would be a pretty weird marriage? I don't think the Bible addresses this issue at all in regards to all the sister wives of the past. What happened to all those ladies of King Solomon? I wonder if there is a book written about this subject?

There are a lot of great men in the Bible that were monogamous or not even married at all. However, I believe if they ignored God's calling to be polygamous and didn't then shame on them.

Michelle
 
T and I are not married. We are each married to hubby separately, and we have no committment to each other beyond what is in our hearts as sisters. We have committed to our family, but if he were to pass away, we would have no "responsibility" to each other beyond what good friends have to each other. At least that is our understanding of things. We might chose to live together or part. We would probably stay connected as sisters. The "package deal" is something of a joke between us.

SweetLissa
 
Sweet Lissa,

I don't know if Solomon's wives went to King David. I assumed that since David was Solomon's dad that David died before Solomon--umm? Maybe one of the guys can clear this up for us.

If I had a sister wife(s) even if our husband died, I would have a hard time not having contact with them especially if children were involved.


Michelle
 
I assumed that since David was Solomon's dad that David died before Solomon--umm? Maybe one of the guys can clear this up for us.
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Correct; Solomon was David's son by Bathsheba; he built the temple for God that David was unable to.

It was King Saul's wives that God gave to David. (II Sam 12:8, etc.)
 
Please ignore me while I wipe the egg off my face. Sorry about that. I need to not rush when I answer these things.

Sorry for my answer to that. And I would absolutely maintain contact with T, no question about that. But there isn't a marriage between us. And some sister/wives don't get along as well as others. They might not be so anxious to stay in touch. Our hope, of course, is that all sister/wife relationships would be healthy and happy.

SweetLissa
 
While i don't believe that a man must be polygamous i would certainly want to examine the motivations behind a man who felt himself to be monogamous and who was not willing to consider a polygamous lifestyle. It would be a deal breaker, for me, if a man was unable to admit that polygamy was a valid marriage style. I could not deny my belief in it as a God sanctioned lifestyle.

If he was committed to monogamy it might make me think he was a bit of a wuss...perhaps even a bit lazy? Call me crazy but the idea of a man who wanted to devout himself to a single woman for life just seems to be a bit of a dandy to me (feminine) i just can't get over the stereotype i associate with it. In my experience monogamous men tend to be a bit like doormats... i can run rings around them and it's difficult to respect them. Thats horrible i know, but it's the truth for me. I just don't think men were designed for monogamy.
 
Sweet Lissa,

Oh, don't worry about the Solomon thing. I get messed up with the whole Saul, David, Solomon, etc., etc., reign mixed up (thanks Mark C for clearing up that issue).

I'm glad that you and T have such a wonderful relationship, but I'm sure that is because you are such an open-minded person.

Michelle
 
I think about what it would be like to be a second, third, etc. wife. I mean that person would never know what it is like to ever be in a monogamous relationship. For the first wife, she would have that experience unless she and her husband were dating someone else the whole time they were together. So the bottom line is it isn't fair to judge a second, third, etc. wife for wanting to experience it before they totally rule it out. I know polygamy is God's calling, but not for everyone. I find that, because I'm older now along with my experiences in life, I'm able to make more Godly discussions that I wouldn't have made in my younger years.

Michelle
 
Michelle,
I agree. Not everyone is built to be polygamous. Maybe that is the effect of our society raising them to be self-centered. Maybe it is selfishness on their parts, maybe it is a million other things. Some people can't imagine sharing a husband. Some can't imagine sharing a kitchen. I have a friend that once said the only thing she could see as an advantage would be sharing housework. Another friend looks at me like I am an alien because I told her the truth about our family. One of my sisters has disowned me and the other is openly hostile. It is not for everyone.

This world is a diverse place with lots of special aspects to it. If polygamy was the only form of marriage, then God wouldn't have had monogamous marriages in the bible, yet he did. They must be just as acceptable as poly marriages.

On another topic, T and I were talking today and she made the observation that in the New Testament there is barely any mention of marriage and family at all. And what is there talks about other people as families, there are no real family stories like in the Old Testament. In the OT we got to know the families and their offspring and we saw history go from one generation to the next. That doesn't happen much in the NT. Things that make you go hmmmmm.

SweetLissa
 
Sometimes I think it polygyny can be easier to accept for a second wife, because of the simple fact that it may very well be the only form of marriage that she has experienced and chooses such a lifestyle over a monogamous marriage (as in my own case). If the idea of an additional wife is not the first wife's idea it can be a great hurdle to get over. But either path, mono- or poly- holds both pain and happiness. Every marriage needs God's grace for the Journey.

ShepherdGirl
Hannah
 
And that was the point of the post. It is about the relationships between the people involved and God that determine the quality of the life. Not whether it is polygamous or monogamous. It has to do with the loving attitudes between people, the desire to serve each other, the desire to spend time with each other and the desire to put other's needs ahead of one's own. It doesn't matter how many wives or children you have, it is what you do with them, for them and about them that truly gives you a quality relationship. That all depends on each and every member of the family working together to make things work. It depends on each one giving care to the other one, as is needed. It also depends on listening to each other to understand what their needs really are. If you get that kind of relationship out of monogamy or polygamy, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you honor God in all you do.

To the people who say that a man must be polygamous, I would ask how many women must a man marry? All of them? Just because he can? Doesn't the quality of the relationships matter?

SweetLissa
 
Sweet Lissa,

Yes, I'm sure there are some people who are just selfish and not listening to what God is calling them to do, but like you said, 'there are a billion reasons' why some people aren't 'polygyny minded'. I'm really sorry that your friends and family didn't support you on your decision. I know for a fact mine wouldn't if I were to practice this lifestyle.

I do find it interesting also that family relationships weren't mentioned in the OT. I recently read a book on the twelve apostles and found it interesting that not much is known of their family as a whole. So, getting back to the monogamy thing, this makes me believe that some of these chosen disciples didn't practice polygamy. I know that Dr. Ray talks about the tribulation and fulfilling Isaiah Chapter 4, but maybe in the disciples' time there wasn't a need for it?

Okay, so now I'm on my soap box saying that the greatest Godly man, who possessed leadership qualities that are still being used today that were far advanced for his time, and who was monogamous--Abraham Lincoln. I don't think anybody would dare to call him a wimp. I mean he was in the mist of the worse civil war ever and humble to the core.

Shepherdgirl,

Thanks for sharing your insight and feelings as a second wife. I love your quote 'every marriage needs God's grace for the Journey'--so true, so true!

Michelle
 
T and I were just talking and I kind of came up with an analogy. It has to do with children, which some wives don't like, but here goes.
In my family there are 4 children. They came in 1959, 1961, 1964 and 1969. So we were all pretty close together and none of us ever felt like an only child. So when new children came into our lives, there wasn't much worry about whether we wanted another child. We were used to the idea. But in a family that has one child for 10 years or so and an unexpected baby shows up, there can sometimes be adjustment problems.

If we had been born and raised in a place where polygamy was encouraged or expected, you can guess that we would have been raised to share our husbands with others. We would have grown up with the expectation that we would have other women in the house to share with. In our case, T was married to hubby for 34 years before I came into the picture. So she went from having her husband all to herself and getting most of her identity from that relationship to having to share him with me. I also grew up understanding monogamy, however, I had noticed some of the advantages of communal living that were not too hard to see in polygamy. So for both of us, sharing our husband felt like we gave up half of our relationship. That isn't necessarily bad, we just need to work out the rest of it to see what happens next. For us, we have had to learn to like each other, because neither of us really ever had any strong female friendships. We are still working it out and will probably continue to do so till one of us dies.

So if we were born and raised in a place of polygamy, we would probably be less dependent on our husband for companionship, love and recreation. But we aren't. We are over 40 and we have come a long way in a very short time. I am proud of what we have done. I am proud of T who turned very negative feelings about polygyny and me into a loving, caring friendship. I am proud of myself for going through the dark times, knowing that God would lead me through to the other side. Hubby is proud of both of us and we are proud of him because of the many ways he has grown and is growing as he tries to figure out how to handle two women.

SweetLissa
 
Wow, Lissa! All those "wisdom" pills have really worked for you. LOL I am clapping and saying "amen" after that last post. I love the childern analogy, emotionally it is very simular to adding wives to a family. It is also nice to think about how life would be if we lived in a more Godly, polygyny minded culture. Awe, I'm daydreaming....

Hope for the furtue,
Julieb
 
lutherangirl said:
Okay, so now I'm on my soap box saying that the greatest Godly man, who possessed leadership qualities that are still being used today that were far advanced for his time, and who was monogamous--Abraham Lincoln. I don't think anybody would dare to call him a wimp. I mean he was in the mist of the worse civil war ever and humble to the core.

Shepherdgirl,

Michelle
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I'm all for expressing an opinion but i don't think anyone can claim to know Abraham Lincoln on a personal level.

There can be many reasons for choosing to live a polygamous lifestyle even if someone accepts it as a valid one. However, I just don't think the desire to devote oneself to a single person should be one of them. In my opinion it would bring out the worst in both people involved. I don't think it's healthy to expect that one single person is going to meet all your needs, thats a lot of pressure! Women who don't have sisters or girlfriends will look to their husband to fill this role, emasculating him and men will be making themselves miserable for their normal natural attraction to other women.

Monogamy promotes selfishness and unrealistic expectations. Abraham probably had a mistress like countless other US presidents. ;) Even if he didn't I'm willing to bet he felt attracted to other women throughout his marriage.
 
I'm all for expressing an opinion but i don't think anyone can claim to know Abraham Lincoln on a personal level.

There can be many reasons for choosing to live a polygamous lifestyle even if someone accepts it as a valid one. However, I just don't think the desire to devote oneself to a single person should be one of them. In my opinion it would bring out the worst in both people involved. I don't think it's healthy to expect that one single person is going to meet all your needs, thats a lot of pressure! Women who don't have sisters or girlfriends will look to their husband to fill this role, emasculating him and men will be making themselves miserable for their normal natural attraction to other women.

Monogamy promotes selfishness and unrealistic expectations. Abraham probably had a mistress like countless other US presidents. ;) Even if he didn't I'm willing to bet he felt attracted to other women throughout his marriage.[/quote]

Yes, you are right to say that I don't know 'Abraham Lincoln on a personal level', but we don't know any of the passed Biblical leaders either, like David, that we choose to take advice from.

As humans, male or female, we are both attracted to many people and have to control desires and be obediant to God. King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines--talk about "pressure and meeting unrealistic expectations", here it is.

I believe that monogamy and polygamy are both right in God's eyes; however, I think a man should only have seven wives at the maximum.

Michelle
 
sweetlissa said:
Wisdom Pills? Is that what we are calling them now?

LOL

SweetLissa
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Sweet Lissa,

I need a couple bottles of those "wisdom bills" that you all are talking about, please.

Michelle
 
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