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When your husband drops the bomb on you...

sweetlissa

sweetlissa

Member
Real Person
Female
Are any of you first wives? I am a second wife and I would really like to know about your experience when you and your husband first talked about polygyny. I think it would help me understand Theresa better. Anyone willing to share?

Lissa
 
Hi Lissa,

Yes I am a firsty! Do really like that title? first, second, third?!!

I got a real bolt! I had mentioned to him before we got married that i would support him even if he decided to take on a second wife, little did I know he would take me up on it!!
It really bought up so many emotions and feelings of not being worthy or satisfying enough. But i was up for the challange, and it has been a true blessing for all the many good qualities i have gained and all the bad qualities I have lost thru this experience. It really does throw your routine tho, you dont even relise you have a routine until someone else is in the picture. Its alot like when a new child enters the family, everyone has to adjust. It takes alot of adjusting on all sides in the beginning. But most important I have found over the years is putting God first. Without Him in your life you dont have much hope at all. God is where we can take shelter when most needed and thats the wonderful thing about plural marriage your are forced to take that shelter.

Trish
 
Wonderfully said!! Boy, would I like to meet you some day. :)

JulieB
 
I am so hoping to meet everyone at a retreat in the near future. Hello Trish. I don't really know how to "title" things. I am simply trying to stimulate some conversation. I hope that if anyone is offended by things I say that they will let me know because that is how we learn.

Speaking of learning, my sister wife and I had an amazing afternoon this past Tuesday. We went to lunch and as we usually do we talked all afternoon. We can talk for miles (or hours but we were driving around town). I am so glad she is in my life. We went to a retreat last October and we flew together. She has always been afraid of flying and we just talked for the entire flight. She didn't even take time to be afraid. We are both learning so much.

Lissa
 
Hi,

I am my husband's only wife, though if he ever finds another special lady and marries her, that would make me his first wife. ;) Anyway, when John dropped the bomb on me about his feelings on polygamy I was pregnant with our youngest. I totally freaked out! My first thoughts were that I didn't satisfy him anymore, that I was no longer fun, that I didn't attract him anymore, and that he was bored with me. I could wrap my mind around the idea that God said it was okay, but to actually agree to the idea that it'd be okay for us was another thing completely!

John was very good, though. He reassured me daily while I went through all the emotions that come with both pregnancy and trying to understand that your husband has a desire to marry another woman. The only mistake I remember him making was when he suggested I read an article about women being selfish in regards to polygamy. Not a good mood, though in retrospect, the article wasn't really all that bad, it was just really bad timing on John's part.

In the end, it took a dear friend of mine calling me and sharing with me her current woes of a bad marriage. It struck me how lucky I was to have a husband like John and how much I wished my friend could have a husband like mine. That's when I had my "Ah ha" moment (thanks Oprah, :lol: hee hee). I would be perfectly okay with my girlfriend being my husband's second wife. Of course, that wasn't going to happen, in fact she sort of worked things out with her husband....

So, that's how I dealt with John telling me his true feelings. That was a long long time ago though, and I am still John's only wife. We go back and forth on the idea of actively seeking a second wife. Right now John feels that it's not the right time. I think we're just going to let God put it together for us.

One question I have for those who are in polygamous relationships, does your sister wife (or co-wife as John prefers) become, over time, like a sister to you? That is my one desire, to have another woman in the house that would be like a sister to me, at the very least, a best friend. :)

WomanSeekingGod
 
Hi WSG
I hope you don't mind the familiarity. I have seen people address you this way on the Christian Polygamy 2 board. If you object, let me know. I don't want to offend in any way. I am actually curious as to your first name, but I respect your right to keep that a secret.

I have to answer the question about whether my sister wife becomes like a sister. The answer to that question is a huge YES. Now I ask you, do you have a sister? Because according to psychologists, the sister relationship is the closest of bonds. That said, I have 2 sisters. I love them dearly. But I don't always like them. In a polygamous relationship like any other relationship you have humans with feelings, emotions, hormones and personalities. There are always going to be ebbs and flows in your relationship. My sisterwife and I are so alike in many ways and so very different in other ways. We laugh together and have a great time. But there are always times when we misunderstand each other and have differences of opinion.

I guess what I am trying to say is just because you love your sisterwife don't expect it to be roses all the time. But that is what makes it family. Sticking together through the tough times so that we can all enjoy the fruits of our labors. For instance, right now I have gone back to college full time. I also work full time and commute 2 hours a day. I also take my role as wife very seriously. So right now, I am pretty focused on external stuff and there are times when my "family" is a bit neglected. But this is what we have decided is important to our family right now. And in 2-3 years time, when I am done with my degrees and have a better job, we will all enjoy the fruits of our sacrifices. Because as a family we are all sacrificing so that I can earn that piece of paper.

Lissa
 
I would have to say my reactions , and there were many of them, were anywhere from unbelief to down right anger. We had joked about it before and we would both say.... I or you can't handle the one you already have..... Little did I know that one day it was brought up seriously. I did not handle it very well at all. I was also very hurt and felt like I was not enough for him or good enough for anymore for him or that he was tired of me. I felt betrayed by the Chaplain as well as by God. I also think that if the Chaplain had brought it up to me differently I may have not been as against it as I first was. He thought he had to get all his ducks in a row then tell me about all he had found. I felt out of the loop and that he had hidden something very important from me that God had been dealing with him with. I would have liked to have "found" things together and not being bombarded with some much information at once. Then I felt like he thought that after reading all the info he found for me that i was going to be as gung ho as he was about it. There were many conversation ,some face to face and some over the phone, that could be anyway from explosive to calm and anywhere in between. There were lots of email between us on the subject. It was easier to write how we both were feeling in an email and have the other answer back in another email and then discuss it over the phone and then talk about it again when he got home. In an email you can go back and read and edit what you wrote but if you blurt something out, you can't take it back. Yes, I have to admit I was rebellious and not very much submissive and I was very vocal. I also felt that , that was all he ever wanted to talk about , whether he was home or on the phone, and I was tired of hearing it and that made me "bow" up like he says i do and get on the defensive.

With having said ALL that I can truely say we are in agreement now but I do have some issues at times. I still have days, very few of them, when I am not as gung ho as he is and that I am unsure, at times, about how it will all work out BUT I do know that God is in control and that I have to put all things in His hands every day.

I sometimes try to put myself in J's" place and put her in my place. How would I feel to have a Godly man and my best friend offer me a chance to join them in a covenant relationship. Would I see things differently being in "J's" shoes and would she see things differently being in my shoes... I think the answer is probably yes but in one important way the answer would be a resounding no! The reason I say no is because of one little four letter word that means so much. That four letter word is L O V E. The Chaplain asked me softly one night, Annette , do you Love her? do you really love her? my simple and quiet answer echoed in the room was....... yes.
 
Hi Lissa,

You may call me WSG, that's fine. As to my actual name, I keep it quite simply because I don't trust internet people :| . My friends, though, call me Onna.

I liked reading your answer about your sister-wife. It gives me hope! To answer you, yes, I have three sisters, two half sisters and a step-sister. However, I didn't grow up with two of them (they are my father's children) and the other didn't come until I was 16 (my mother's child), then I was married and moved out two years later. So yes, I have a basic understanding of sibling relationships.... My family life is complicated, to say the least!

What you said though, that it's not all roses, is what I figured it would be like. It's good to hear it from someone who is experiencing it right now, though!

Thank you for sharing!

Respectfully yours,
WomanSeekingGod (Onna)
 
I agree with Lissa - in that living in a plural family is not always easy. But, like any relationship that is meaningful, working through the tough times just ends up strengthening the relationship. When everything is going well - it is easy for anyone to be "nice" or "good", etc....... it is when things are rough that the true "you" ends up showing its-"self". Then we have a choice about the things that are revealed (sometimes even to ourselves - about ourselves)....... we can let whatever it is take deeper root -- or we can, with God's help and grace - "root it out"!! If we choose the latter - we come out all the better for it in the end! ;) And, of ALL the things I have been through with my husband (and we've been through a bit -- one example is living in a tent - in the woods, not at some "park" for 3 whole months with four children ages 5 and under!)....... learning about and then his adding another wife to our family - definitely brought a lot of "stuff" to surface that I didn't even realize was "there"! Honestly, I don't know that anything else could have ever "uncovered" some of the junk I had buried so deep it was unknown to even me ......... like Joye Meyer says, "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be." So, I am thankful for all that I've been able to become, so far, and continue to learn to be! (Are you still "here" Trish -- you sorta said the same thing in different words........ just haven't noticed any other posts from you)

As for "dropping the bomb" -- for over 20 years when Don would bring the subject up I thought only two things - that he was crazy and "no way"! So, I got on the internet and started to research to prove him wrong.......... and, well, as many of you know, the rest is history :lol:

Shari
 
Hello again to one and all,
I am glad to see that I was not the only woman who tried to prove her husband wrong and then found out that she was the one who was proven wrong :eek: ....... One thing that I forgot to put in my last post is that the Chaplain did apologize about how he brought the subject up too me and how much information that he gave me . He is not perfect but then neither am I. We are both just two sinner who have been forgiven by God's unmatchless Grace and His unyeilding Love. I have always known the Chaplain to be a true Man of God. He is a stronger Man of God now than he has ever been in his life. We are all in a growing and learning process. Sometimes what is in our hearts is God lead but how we convey the thoughts to others are not always how God wants them to be conveyed but nonetheless it is still from God. We have both learned to communicate better and I should not expect him to know what is on my mind and i should not think i know what is on his mind.
When the time comes for "J" to join us I know it will not always be a bed of roses and it will not always be easy. Except for the Chaplain she knows me best. There will also need to be open communication between the Chaplain and I, between the Chaplain and "J" and between "J" and I and also communtion between all three of us.
I think ladies that we can all be proud of our Godly men and strive to be their Godly wives and support and follow their lead. It's hard for me at times because like I said I can be rebellious and strong willed but I am working on who i need to be.
GivenMercy said:
I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'mnot where I used to be."
Click to expand...
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With having said all that I bid yall Good night and have a blessed day.
 
Rose,

You brought up a very, very important point --- communication! Probably a large cause to many misunderstandings is the breakdown of communication in some way. And, is an area we can all - always have room for improvement. Thank you for reminding us of this -- and a personal note from my own experience --- I used to hold a lot "inside" and would try to deal with everything myself (or worse - bury it)....... but that is one of the things I learned from our entering into a plural family -- to be open and honest about how I feel -- and clarify that just b/c I am "feeling" a certain way in no way indicate the "right or wrong" of the feeling -- but by communicating these things to my DH he is able then to help me work through them -- and if there are things he needs to do or change he seeks God in those matters.

Shari
 
Thank you for sharing that Shari. I appreciate knowing that I am not the only one who feels bad sometimes.

It is hard sometimes. And sometimes you just need to talk through things to get them set straight in your head. And sometimes, I just ask that we all pray together as a family. Because I am sensitive and often the enemy uses that against us all.

God bless
Lissa
 
Hi everyone,
All my life up until six months ago, I would have become literally nauseous at the thought of our family, or should I say, my husband becoming polygynous. It felt like abandonment in my own home: why would any woman want to sign up for THAT? “Over my dead body!” comes to mind, too. Like Marichu, and most other women of our times, I grew up with Cinderella fairy tale ideas of romance (with much more affirmation for study toward a career other than homemaking), along with more than one man disappointing me by lack of godly resolve.

But God showed me, through Bible study, that if my husband is to be a type of Christ, and if I am to be a type of His bride, the church, in marriage... why would I expect to be the only one He would pursue, die for, redeem, guide, protect, provide for, and love? Would I be happy being the only one sitting in the sanctuary every week? Sure, I enjoy our times alone, but what absolute joy I experience together with other believers who have been saved by grace, too! What love stories they all individually have! And I would count it a privilege to bring more with my own invitation.

Now my husband is not literally Jesus, nor is he perfect, but after years of marriage, I’m so thankful for the way he is my “head in Christ”, as Ephesians 5 says. God is not done with him yet, but He’s done beautiful work so far. I know I’m completely loved, and I’m secure and at rest in my Lord, so that even if my husband has a bad day, God covers us both in His grace.

Do I feel like I only “have” a fraction of Jesus? Of course not. I have 100% of Him. I give Him 100% of me. I’m starting to feel that having another wife in the family, like having another child in the family, does not diminish the love, but multiplies it. Does that mean that every family is called to have 75 children, or ten wives? No. But our family has been open to the number of children God would give us, even if that included adoption. It takes great faith. But we’ve tested Him, and found Him to be faithful.

Now I can see being open to another wife (that God chooses, just as He chose me for Ray). I would especially enjoy it if we could work together, be great friends, share strengths in the household, for the benefit of each other and our children, to “enlarge our tent” (Isaiah 54:2) and extend the borders of our influence (see the prayer of Jabez, I Chronicles 4:10), to leave a lasting legacy of love for the Lord upon this world, all under the loving leadership and constant enjoyment of the presence of our husband.

The final point for me, which confirmed this, was reading that God Himself said to David (when admonishing him for the affair with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband), “‘I also gave you your master’s house and your master’s wives into your care, and I gave you the house of Israel and Judah; and if that had been too little, I would have added to you many more things like these!’”(II Samuel 12:8) If God didn’t just tolerate this “sin” of polygamy, but actually gave it as a calling to some, then He still could today, regardless of societal prejudice, and legal considerations. He could provide the way.

And my husband is a great candidate!

–Deanne
 
Deanne,

I loved how you said, "Do I feel like I only “have” a fraction of Jesus?" That is such a great way to look at it!

It was so hard to rewire my thinking, but in the end I kind of felt silly for not realizing that love isn't divided, it's expanded! If God can love every new Christian who comes to Him, why couldn't our husbands (and us too) love another woman who is sent to him?

Thank you for sharing your story and what you've learned. I enjoyed it!

Respectfully yours,
Onna
 
Thats exactly the problem isn't it....that we are brought up with these "cinderella" ideas of love and romance. I am just beginning my journey through this and it is very difficult for me. For all the reasons everyone else has mentioned. Am I not good enough, will he still find me attractive, what if he doesn't love me after he marries someone else?
My husband dropped the "bomb" on me the first time when I was about three months pregnant with my daughter. He mentioned that after reading some of the scriptures that you can in fact have multiple wives. Okay fine, but why would you need them, was my argument if your wife provides everything you need. Even to this day when I have accepted that this is going to be apart of my life I can't say that I like that this is going to be apart of my life. But thats because I still see it as "what am I not providing that you need?" instead of that this is a blessing of Gods.
So my husband drops it for awhile and then one day when I am about 8 months pregnant he tells me that he fooled around with someone at work. It totally broke my heart, again my doubts fill me and what am I not providing him that he is seeking. Looking back now I see that he just has this inherent nature. Anyhoo, it is not brought up again for about a year and a half. A week ago I get up at night to use the bathroom and my husband is emailing someone on an email address I had no idea he had. Odd, since he has me check his email because he's to busy to do it himself. I ask him about it and the flood gates open. He tells me he met a woman that wants to be his second wife and she is the same person thats been trying to befriend me on another church forum.
UM NO! I think I might have had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't stop crying and wondering why, what if he didn't love me. What if this woman tried to convince him to hate me? Slowly over the course of the last week we've really gotten down to the nitty gritty of our relationship. Obviously this woman is not someone that I think I will ever be able to trust, just as much as he did this behind my back, she lied. I can't believe I though I was gaining a friend and this whole time she was talking to my husband about having babies with him and telling him she loved him. But my husband I talk and we came to an agreement, I honestly believe for this to work I need to be in love with the second wife. I need to feel like I am gaining something as well. Someone that I can love and have a relationship with outside of the three of us. My husband agreed to this and told me that he was happy we came to this conclusion.
In our faith we believe that God talks to us through the spiritual gifts and I believe that God is telling me that this is okay and that he will send a woman that will be compatiable for both my husband and I.
Also on a side note my husband promised me that even if we find this woman now that I could have our "heir". So that means I get to have his first son, I was shocked at first but I realize now that that makes me feel a lot better. I try hard to be submissive to my husband and I am very grateful that he is conceding the first son thing. I am glad he's finally being honest with me and we have a much better relationship now because of it. So I am here to get stories and learn from you guys. I want to go into this happy and not resentful of anyone in our family. So I'll be around looking at the threads and asking questions. But like I said in my intro I have a one year old so hopefully I can actually get to it! :p
Thanks for anything you have to input.
Michelle
 
Michelle,
I am sorry that your husband wasn't completely honest with you from the outset of this. It is a very difficult thing to realize that there is stuff going on behind your back. I know you are hurting and your trust has been violated. I am hoping that you can try to step back from your pain and see the bigger picture. They did what they thought was right. We know that the end result was hard on you and yes they need to learn from their mistakes. But in this situation there are no guidelines for how to do things. Because the instances of people accepting this lifestyle are so unpredictable, it is very hard to predict reactions from people. I think that your husband was trying to protect everyone involved and he ended up hurting everyone. He probably hurt himself more than anyone because both of you now wonder if you can trust him.

Please try to forgive her. Him too, but it seems that you already have. The problem is that she was torn between being in a submissive relationship with the husband and trying to befriend you. It is a difficult place to be. We all have made mistakes and handled things in ways that weren't exactly the way we wanted to do but in the end we are all human. Another point I would like to make here is that as the head of your household, your husband bears much of the responsibility for the situation.

Michelle, You will find friends here and comfort we hope. What we are trying to do here is build long lasting friendships that bring polygamous people together so that they don't feel alone anymore. We are so glad you are here.

Lissa
 
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