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Where did I go wrong.....

O

OhMyStars

Member
Female
Is it normal, in the beginning stages of a new sisterwife relationship, for the husband to spend 90% of his time, energy, and attention on the 'new' wife? And not give the 'old' wife any special time?
I ask, because of all my browsing through here, I've seen the main theme is for it to be equal, and 'fair' between wives, regardless of how new, or old the relationships maybe.
Possibly I'm being selfish, but when he spends all his nights but maybe 1 with her, or hugs and kisses her just randomly, and when I want it, it's one-armed, or seems half-hearted, and if she doesn't feel good it's ok for her to rest on the couch, or sleep in, but I have to bust my butt to keep the house in shape, even after working a full shift, or get up with him to see him off to work, make his lunches, clean up after dinners regardless of who cooked....I'm starting to feel more like a live in maid, housecleaner, caretaker then a wife, or lover!
Maybe I'm goin off my feelings rather then facts here, but it seems very one-sided to me, and that it's not leaning my way one little bit. I'm not asking for the moon, just to be able to feel like I'm important, and special, and wanted and desired too. Is that too much to ask?! If so tell me how to make this work!!! I'm trying here, but I'm feeling like a failure, and that I'm days from having to find a new place to live. We have 9 years together....I'm not about to let that go and be lost!!!
I wasn't about all this in the beginning but it's grown on me, and I'm wanting to make this work, and be apart of this....I just feel like he doesn't love me like he did, and that I'm being replaced.
 
It is normal for a man to find the new wife more exciting than the old, for a period of time. Just the same way that if you got a new car, you'd find it more exciting than the one you already had, for a while. That's how our minds work. It's just human nature. It's the "honeymoon" period, and I expect you went through it with him also 9 years ago!

However, a man must work to manage these feelings and ensure that he isn't making the first wife feel the way that you are evidently feeling. Spending most nights with her, and holding her to a different standard regarding expectations of contribution to chores, etc, sounds like a poor decision because of the way it affects your own marriage with him. He should be striving to treat you fairly (not necessarily equally, fairly, the two are different).

But polygyny is more complex than monogamy, he's going to stuff up somewhere, he's never done this before! Everything takes time.

I expect however that less than half the problem will be that he is actually treating you unfairly. The other half, possibly the majority, is likely your perception. You are in a very emotional and sensitive time right now, with your husband having a new wife. Small things will be turned into big ones in your mind. He might hug you casually and you might perceive it to be far less loving than he actually intended simply because you're already struggling emotionally and are interpreting it that way. A slight difference in expectations that your husband feels is justified, may be perceived as enormous and unfair in your mind. So your emotions are a magnifying glass, that take every small intended or unintended slight and blow it up to being a great insult.

I'm not saying this is your fault. Again, that's just how the human mind works. It too is something to be managed, by both you and your husband. Just be aware of it, work through it all together.

Is your husband aware you are feeling this way? Have you discussed it openly with him? He may have just got carried away in the excitement of having a new wife and have no idea that he's doing things that are hurting you.
 
@OhMyStars - you've been around here for a month or so, but because I am a man, I don't know if you have been a part of the Tuesday night ladies' chat yet. If not, I'd encourage that. As you might assume, I've never been there :), but I understand it is a great support network.

Has your husband been on the forum yet? Like Samuel said, this is more complex that a monogamous relationship, and it might benefit him to be a part of our forum too.

I can only make a comment on the situation knowing your side of things, but I suspect your husband isn't intentionally trying to make you feel less loved, but I do suspect his comfort level with you allows him to take liberties he might not take with his new wife.

I know in my own marriage I sometimes think I am letting my wife know how much I love and appreciate her, but I am not doing it in a way that speaks to her. In my mind I think I have done something well because it is in my mind that way, but in reality I only took care of it in my mind. That could be a part of this.

I highly recommend you ask for a date with him or some alone time and lovingly explain to him what you are experiencing.
 
OhMyStars said:
Maybe I'm goin off my feelings rather then facts here, but it seems very one-sided to me, and that it's not leaning my way one little bit. I'm not asking for the moon, just to be able to feel like I'm important, and special, and wanted and desired too. Is that too much to ask?!
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Speaking as a husband, I can tell you that your husband would probably rather you asked him for the moon. It's a massive, monumental, impossible undertaking, but at heart all it is is one big logistics concern. Whether the moon is made of rock or cheese, it's a physical object and your husband has lots of ideas on how to move it, or at least pieces of it.

A woman's feelings, however. How to make a woman feel wanted, desired, and important? We have our best sages working on that one 24/7. Sometimes they emerge from their sage-cave and ask "Have you tried giving her chocolate? We heard they like chocolate"


OhMyStars said:
If so tell me how to make this work!!! I'm trying here, but I'm feeling like a failure, and that I'm days from having to find a new place to live.
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I'm going to assume that your husband is like me, and has no intention of replacing his first wife in his affections or moving her out, and I really think that you should assume that about your husband as well. I think it has a good chance of being the objective truth, and (more to the point) it will help you with your feelings.

I'm gonna ramble here for a bit, but I'd like you to follow me here. I was once told that some people... somewhere... who wanted to capture and tame wild horses would briefly lasso a wild horse, and then tie an already domesticated donkey to the horse and let them both free. The horse, having superior strength would then drag the donkey over hill and dale, far away. But the donkey, wanting to go back home where the oats are kept, will always be pulling the horse toward home. The horse is resistant, and any time that it insists, it drags the donkey wherever it pleases... but the donkey has but one destination and eventually the horse finds it easier to travel with the donkey than against the donkey. Some weeks after letting them both loose, the donkey and the horse arrive at the corral. The donkey is happy to be home and the horse is conditioned to do whatever the donkey is doing, so taming the horse becomes very easy from there.

In this analogy I'm using, the wild horse is your feelings: They are strong and difficult to control and you just can't simply MAKE them do anything they don't want to do.

The donkey is your thoughts, what you think about and what you tell yourself.

My suggestion is that you discuss your feelings somewhat with your hubby and ask him whether he wants you and desires you and whether you are important to him or not.Then rather than asking him to make you feel important and wanted and desired (which is sometimes so simple it can be done offhandedly and at other times nothing seems to work), I would suggest you would ask him what you should think, and what you should tell yourself when your feelings start to run away with you.

For one, you will not cause your husband feelings of despair and helplessness in the face of your feelings. A temptation for men when facing a problem as difficult and illogical as a woman's feelings is to ignore the problem or in some way lash out against them, which I don't think will help your emotions either.

For two, even if your husband succeeds brilliantly at making you feel loved and prized, that doesn't mean that your feelings won't jump you as soon as he walks out the door next time he's out on a date.

And third: Just like we are all responsible for our own thoughts, we are all responsible for our own feelings. Ultimately, your husband can only do so much in assuring you, even if he does exactly what you ask him to.

Hopefully my wife, Rainy, will forgive me for sharing this, but I feel it is pertinent. Some time ago she was feeling down and insecure and almost nothing I could say would reassure her that I loved her like birds love pooping on my car. With all the devotion and glee that they put into it, that's how much I love her. But she just didn't feel it was true. And I would ask her "What can I do to make you feel better?" and she would reply "Just lay here and hug me for awhile"

And so I would, and she felt better. For as long as I has hugging her, things were not so bad for her. And I would sometimes hug her for 3 hours at a time! But the moment I let go, because children need to be fed and showers needed to be had, the feelings would come crashing down on her again. So not only does your husband have a limited ability to change your feelings at will, any change he can effect will (probably) be only a temporary fix.

But if you yourself are able to control your emotions by repeatedly telling them what is true, and not giving in to anxiety, then you will have done yourself and your husband and your husband's other wife a valuable service indeed. Your worth is far more than rubies, and chances are your husband knows this already, and you will prove it again and again until your husband's heart swells with praise for you.

uh. Says me anyways...
 
I think the above posters have hit the nail on the head about how to handle your feelings, but if you want something that may immediately help, I have two words for you: family meeting.

Every time you add a new wife to the mix, things are going to be rocky until you establish your routine and boundaries. You will have to address a lot of things as you go because every marriage is different, and it will take time to become comfortable in your new marriage. However, you can help yourselves in the beginning by calling a meeting to discuss how you will incorporate a new person into the household. Will you maintain a schedule for his nights, and how rigid will it be? Who is expected to complete each chore around the house (vacuuming, laundry, dishes, etc)? Who is responsible for meals? How will childcare be managed? How much affection are you each comfortable witnessing? There are a lot of things to consider that you may not have considered before.
 
Okay, so this is the class Mary/Martha tension right? This is one of the most misunderstood dynamics in the New Testament. Yes Mary got free time and visible affection but when it came time for Christ to deliver the most important verse in all of scripture, He gave it to Martha and in private. What did He tell her at Lazarus's tomb? I am on my phone and don't want to misquote it but it is the linchpin of salvation and resurrection. He didn't tell Peter, or John or Mary. He didn't deliver it through Paul or say it from on high with a dove or have Moses and Isaiah deliver it on the Mount of Transfiguration. He told Martha. In private. It is one of the most jaw dropping incidents in all of scripture for me. So stop worrying about Mary. She has chosen her portion. You do Martha. The payout is going to be humongous.
 
John 11:25-26 "I am the resurrection and the life. He that believeth I me, though he were dead, yet shall he live. And whosever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believes thou this?"

Look Christ didn't just love Martha. He trusted her. He knew she was on His side. He gave her meat to eat, not just milk to drink. Your husband will value his Martha just as much; a woman he can rely on and trust to help him be successful in his goals. I promise you that he will rise up and call you blessed.
 
FollowingHim said:
Is your husband aware you are feeling this way? Have you discussed it openly with him? He may have just got carried away in the excitement of having a new wife and have no idea that he's doing things that are hurting you.
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This is exactly my thoughts. The best thing I have learned at BF is communication. He probably has no idea anything is wrong or that you're not happy. You need to keep him updated frequently with how you're feeling and why. Don't let everything build up and then suddenly go ballistic or leave. The guy needs a chance to fix things first.
 
I second what FH2 said. It's amazing how clueless we men can be at times. Granted, it's not usually intentional, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I almost always appreciate it when my wife helps me realize it . . . AGAIN !!!
 
Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I agree about the whole Martha thing. And I was able to speak to him in regards to how I was feeling. He also brought to my attention that I've been way more emotional of late, and moody....that it's been since about Christmas time that he's noticed a change, as well as other things. So yesterday, March 3rd, I took a home pregnancy test. I haven't shared my story yet here, so I'll give a running glance, we've been together almost 10 years, this October...and we've been trying for a baby for 9 of those that we've been married. I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) so conceiving and carrying a child for me has been impossible...until now.
I am finally pregnant. It's a shock. But explains everything I've been dealing with and goin through lately. So between finding out that news and he and my new sisterwife committing to their relationship today, this has been a whirlwind weekend so far. Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers as we move forward and have lots of changes and decisions and possible move pending in our future. We are thrilled, excited, overwhelmed but happy.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
This is exactly my thoughts. The best thing I have learned at BF is communication. He probably has no idea anything is wrong or that you're not happy. You need to keep him updated frequently with how you're feeling and why. Don't let everything build up and then suddenly go ballistic or leave. The guy needs a chance to fix things first.
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Leaving has never been a option to me. Even when things were at their worst. Lol. He's a good man, but as mentioned by many of the men here, he is clueless at times. Lol.
 
Oh wow, OMS, good for you! Wishing you good health and a happy outcome. :)

Yes, it's a lot in one weekend. Sometimes the energies of life move in such a way that various things happen all at once.
 
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Best. Post. Ever!!!!
I am so excited for you on both accounts! I'm currently pregnant too and fully understand being very emotional, I can't watch anything because I cry. Happy or sad. I cried the other day because I was so happy I was pregnant. I cried because I watched a pregnancy announcement on FB. I cried because I saw a child given a puppy. I cried because Simon Cowell liked someones performance on Britain's got talent (seriously, what on earth?). I can't watch anything anymore.
However, it is all worth it, every single bit.
It is a lot for you to take in in one go. Big breaths! Let hubby know if it's all a bit too overwhelming and you just need a hug for a while. Remember too though that YHWH has His hand on the timing. Perhaps He knew that you would need some extra help now you're pregnant, or with a little baby. Whatever the reason you are all going to get to enjoy the bringing forth of new life together as a family, and that is a truly wonderful thing. I might go cry again now...
 
OMS, congratulations!!! I know from experience how emotional being pregnant can be...So, I get it. With that said, I am SOOOO happy for you! Two new family members in such a short time!
I hope all is well with you. <3
 
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