Who should we say we are!?

[wifeone]

I noticed in another discussion, ashleyconsidering asked a great question. I wanted to hear answers and different opinions to it:

Since you were married for several years before the second wife, people must recognize your husband and you as partners.. What do you do when the second wife and him go out? What do people think?

What do you or would you tell people, who are questioning you about who another wife is? This question could come up to any wife, 1st, 2nd, and so on.....People who know a woman and her partner, but see another woman hanging around them a lot, may start to ask questions.
And would it be offensive to the other wives in your family if you are not totally open and honest about who they are? How would you want your husband or sisterwife to answer this question? What do you guys think as husbands? What would you say if someone confronted you about it, because they might think you are having a secret affair?

In my opinion, I would not be offended if my sisterwife and husband were not totally open about who I am. If they feel like they have to be discreet to protect the family from any potential harm, then I am all for it. If I am ever confronted about it, I think I would tell people that my sisterwife is the Godmother of my children. This is something that I actually do want her to be.

 

[PolyPride]

I noticed in another discussion, ashleyconsidering asked a great question. I wanted to hear answers and different opinions to it:

Since you were married for several years before the second wife, people must recognize your husband and you as partners.. What do you do when the second wife and him go out? What do people think?

What do you or would you tell people, who are questioning you about who another wife is?

It depends on who's asking. If it's a stranger, I'd tell him to leave me alone.

If it's a close friend, I'd tell them she's part of my family. But then that friend may notice something that indicates that the husband is being more than just friendly with the women, so eventually you may have to tell the truth.

This question could come up to any wife, 1st, 2nd, and so on.....People who know a woman and her partner, but see another woman hanging around them a lot, may start to ask questions.
And would it be offensive to the other wives in your family if you are not totally open and honest about who they are?

Some of the wives would feel this way, but as you mentionend later, if they knew that it was for the sake of the family to not bring unwanted attention or harm then it wouldn't be as bad.

How would you want your husband or sisterwife to answer this question? What do you guys think as husbands? What would you say if someone confronted you about it, because they might think you are having a secret affair?

These are some serious questions and I think there's only 2 things to do, maybe 3. Tell the truth. Tell a lie. Or give a side answer like saying she's your sister in Christ, etc. To be honest, I would not mind either way because I understand some of the risks. All of these good questions shows more why people need to fight to make polygamy legal!

In my opinion, I would not be offended if my sisterwife and husband were not totally honest. If they feel like they have to be discreet to protect the family from any potential harm, then I am all for it. If I am ever confronted about it, I think I would tell people that my sisterwife is the Godmother of my children. This is something that I actually do want her to be.

I agree with you here but I know some curios people who are asking would suspect more is going on. Then again you don't have to tell them too much more other than what you said, because it's only your business.

 

[ashleyconsidering]

Wow, thanks for elaborating on that question. I was still a little confused/concerned about it.

While, I still would like to hear everyone's answers, I would like to answer it, a little, myself. I don't know what we/they would say.. but I know that I would have to trust my husbands decision. I would have to know that whatever he has decided to do, is for the best interest in the family. I am not married, but if I were, this is how it would be. Afterall, you wouldn't marry someone you didn't trust, right?

Now.. go on.. continue.. I want to hear more ways to solve the problem. Hearing from the guys would be nice too!

<3 ashley

 

[sadanyagci]

What do you or would you tell people, who are questioning you about who another wife is?

I would tell the truth. However, I do see the same problem Abraham had with his wife. There are dangers associated with such things these days, in the western world. So it's not a small matter. But I am not going to use legal methods anyway, so I run less of a risk with them. And I'm in the Middle East, so I have much less of an issue. Also, I have no sister, and if I did I wouldn't be marrying her, so I don't have the excuse Abraham did. :mrgreen:

And would it be offensive to the other wives in your family if you are not totally open and honest about who they are?

I'm sure they would understand in a case where I might say otherwise concerning those I will marry. I don't foresee a case where I would do that though... even in the USA.

What do you guys think as husbands?

I would hope my wife wouldn't deny me... and I would back her up. But in a case where it would be a danger, I would understand the fear involved and the choice made.

What would you say if someone confronted you about it, because they might think you are having a secret affair?

I would explain that "this is my wife". They would respond with "but I met your wife last night... and I wasn't THAT drunk!". And I would respond with, "yes, you did". And they would scratch their heads... and I would kiss her... and they would get uncomfortable and go away. This is, of course, an ideal situation. But I would so enjoy it in person. :lol:

Anyway, I would tell the truth. Maybe a discussion would result... and maybe war... but that's their choice. I have a God-given right to my wife or wives.

Oh, I also have Turkish citizenship (Turkey is the old Ottoman Empire... and is almost completely Muslim). In case of emergencies I could just say I'm Turkish, let them assume I'm an Ottoman Empire type Muslim, and then let them ignore me because of that. Funny how in many jurisdictions polygamy is illegal... except for a Muslim.

 

[Mark C]

This is a persistent issue. In my own case, since my wife L and I have been married for a long time, and have lived here for decades, my wife B was often uncomfortable when we were alone in public, with the concern that we would be seen, and be a "stumbling block".

Years ago, after making mistakes in this area so as to go "into the ditch" on both sides of the narrow path, I promised my wife B that I would never deny her. This promise I have kept.

That means I answer a direct question directly - at least, if it is arguably any business of that person at all. (There are certainly some, with evil intent, who deserve no polite response. Thankfully, I have rarely if ever encountered such.)

But there are also legal issues to consider, with police or similar officers. In such a situation, the proper answer is to avoid "terms of art" that have a DIFFERENT legal meaning than their "common" meaning. (See Black's Law Dictionary if that sounds hard to believe!) "Wife" may be such a word, in some situations (such as in court, obviously.)

So, in general, I prefer a term like "helpmeet". Not only is it "Biblically correct", but it is arguably a higher form of compliment than what passes for "wife" in much of this country today! Other terms, like the Hebrew words*, are often another great choice. In the right context, they can inspire other questions which may help individuals open to the Truth to be more willing to listen, since they avoid certain distracting stereotypes.

Lastly, and again depending on the specific situation, sometimes to "answer a question with a question" can be a great choice. For example, I might start by saying, "Well, do you believe in the Bible as the Word of God?" Where I go from there depends on the response, but something like, "OK, perhaps this will surprise you, but..." could well be next.

And usually ending with a challenge, of course: "Don't just take my word for it. Be sure and check out the Scriptures for yourself -- see if these things are True!"

-----------------------
* Terms like "Ishah" (woman, or wife), and even "my Ruth" can be great. At least one time or another, with someone who knew a bit of the Bible, I have responded with something like, "she is more precious to me than rubies"...

 

[CecilW]

First of all, I agree that there are people whose business it just plain ain't. To them, a raised eyebrow and a long stare might just do the job. Or, if needed, "And this would be any of your business because ...?"

However, in general, it occurs to me that monogamist society all too often winks at the idea of mistresses. One of the reasons for plural MARRIAGE is that it protects the dgnity of both (all) women involved. None of them should have to accept second class status.

Stated a different way, if I as a man am proud to be with this woman in the privacy of my home, I jolly well oughta be proud to be seen with her on my arm, and to acknowledge her as my wife. And if they're BOTH on my arms, so much the better. "This is my wife Sue-Ann, and this is my wife Margie." And if they sputter around, and can't manage a courteous, "How do you do? It's a pleasure to meet you both!", well, that would be THEIR problem. I've got enough of my own without worrying about theirs.

Practically, I don't think most folks will care too much except for some curiousity. Family? The sooner you just SAY it, and treat it matter of factly, the sooner they'll settle down. That's not to say that it WILL be quick, or easy, but that the SOONER you get it over with, and the MORE matter-of-factly you treat it, rather than keeping it a secret or using indirection, the LESS hassle in the long run.

Legally? A few years ago a fella with 4 wives, 8 kids, and a girlfriend wiith 2 more kids moved to my neighborhood. Not long afterwards, he had a talk with someone from the police who said something like, "Sure. We know who you are and what your family situation is up there. (They lived on a hill.) As long as you folks cause no trouble, we couldn't care less. You get a big fight going, we'll come break it up like anyone else. *shrug*" And that was that!

 

[nathan]

On just the "introducing" question, I've rarely found this much of a problem. Close friends and family of course have known our family situation for years.
For everybody else, one-time meeting, or some casual acquaintance, I simply introduce everyone: "This is Julie" (hello...). "And this is Nita" (hi, nice to meet you...).

Occasionally, you can see someone's gears turning in their head as they try to work out relationships. Never do I recall someone bluntly asking "So who is your wife?"

That's one way we practice not "casting our pearls before swine".

 

[ashleyconsidering]

You know, that kind of makes me proud to hear you guys say that. That you wouldn't deny your wife. And, I guess I didn't really think too far into it. I guess if you are in the U.S., it might raise some eyebrows to have people notice 2 or more different wives around... but really nowadays, anything goes. MTV even did a program on poly amorous relationships. (I am sure most of you dont watch MTV but you have to remember, I am a 20yr old girl in the United States.. and have just found my religious path).

What can the police do any way? If you aren't legally married to all four of your wives, there is no law being broken. Marriage is a union and "contract" between two people. I don't believe that any legal paper can change that (might create some complications in the long run, but its really between the two people).

Thank you, Sadan, for getting the guys rolling on this subject .

 

[Shimon]

HI Ashley - I'm new to this board and to accepting PM, but I'll throw my 2 cents in anyway. When my wife was in her Master's program a few years ago, we used to go out with 3-4 of her friends to dance. Since they were all single, young, and attractive women, we often got funny looks. Once, on my way to the restroom, I was asked by a stranger what I had going for me that all those women were with me. Of course, I didn't tell him they just felt safer with a 6'3" 250 lb guy along. I just looked at him, shrugged, and said, "life is good." His response, "I f-----g guess!" as he stared at our table. I would do pretty much the same with a stranger if it were me with more than one wife. Let them make their own interpretations. Close friends would already know my living arrangements. Casual acquaintances would get the truth should they ask. I will not lie or obfuscate the truth to them. Such tends to come back to haunt you later.

IMHO
Dave