Why I Am A Better Choice Than These Married Guys

[Doc]

Okay, I see a lot of families looking for second wives, which is great and all, but it really puts a crimp in the style of the single guy. I mean, after all, you married guys already have a head start. Give a guy a break!

So, I hope to make an argument in favor of ME, the single guy who believes in plural marriage:

1. I am awesome. Ask anyone who knows me.
2. I am modest. Ask anyone who knows me.
3. I am SINGLE.
4. I was successfully married for more than 22 years. Not too shabby.
5. I have two grown children. You don't have to worry about my kids.
6. Both of my children were their high school valedictorians. If you want MORE kids, just consider this gene pool.
7. No first wife to deal with.
8. I am not encumbered with a bondage to filthy lucre. I'm broke.
9. I have not one, but TWO houses. They need work, but they are MINE.
10. I am a dog person. That alone speaks volumes.
11. John Wayne is my hero. George Clooney is a wimp.
12. I can cook. Really well!
13. I know how to sew from a McCall's pattern.
14. I know how to milk a goat.
15. I can tell lots of interesting stories. Usually several times.
16. I know how to can green beans, squash, carrots, etc.
17. I am GREAT with kids.
18. Since I have been single for four years, the ratio of my testosterone to estrogen has significantly increased. I am therefore more manly.
19. I have all my hair.
20. First male member of my family to graduate high school.
21. I give great massages.
22. I was in the Army. I have been trained to kill.
23. I am a very busy man, so I do not have time to complete this list!

With highest regards to the married guys,

Doc

 

[CecilW]

Impressive. I'm thoroughly intimidated.

 

[FollowingHim2]

Very well put Doc! If I wasn't already happily married and nearly 20 years younger than you I'd consider it .

 

[Paul not the apostle]

1. I am awesome. Ask anyone who knows me. See #2
2. I am modest. Ask anyone who knows me. See #1
3. I am SINGLE. There is exactly one of him.......and he is one of a kind.
4. I was successfully married for more than 22 years. Not too shabby. So don't worry, he will be nearly dead by the time your 22 years of marriage are up.
5. I have two grown children. You don't have to worry about my kids. They live on a different continent.
6. Both of my children were their high school valedictorians. If you want MORE kids, just consider this gene pool. This makes sense.
7. No first wife to deal with. This is also a good point.
8. I am not encumbered with a bondage to filthy lucre. I'm broke. But his Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
9. I have not one, but TWO houses. They need work, but they are MINE. He is planning on adding a second wife after you.
10. I am a dog person. That alone speaks volumes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXo3NFqkaRM
11. John Wayne is my hero. George Clooney is a wimp. Doc is somewhere in between.
12. I can cook. Really well! He wants you to do his dishes.
13. I know how to sew from a McCall's pattern. He is in touch with his feminine side.
14. I know how to milk a goat. He is in touch with his apocalypse side.
15. I can tell lots of interesting stories. Usually several times. He is in touch with his preaching side.
16. I know how to can green beans, squash, carrots, etc. See #14 above.
17. I am GREAT with kids. He is always nice to my kids.
18. Since I have been single for four years, the ratio of my testosterone to estrogen has significantly increased. I am therefore more manly. What about shelf life?
19. I have all my hair. TMI.
20. First male member of my family to graduate high school. He is a trendsetter.
21. I give great massages. He love you long time.
22. I was in the Army. I have been trained to kill. In two different colors.
23. I am a very busy man, so I do not have time to complete this list!See? He really DOES need a help meet.

With highest regards to the married guys,We love you too, Doc.

Doc

 

[FollowingHim]

2. I am modest. Ask anyone who knows me.

'cause I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art (Amish Paradise, sung by Wierd Al Yankovic)

 

[Froggie]

Well Doc, let me help you out a little bit. You may need to finish your list afterall, if you truly qualify:

Can you keep a cool head under crisis?
*Do you know basic first aid?
*Do you know what to do when little boys fall out of trees and are gushing blood out of their skulls?
*Do you know what to do when little girls get into battery acid and spill it on bare legs?
*Do you know how to keep panicked moms from making things worse?
*Do you know what to do when teen and pre-teen girls can't find anything to wear?
*And do you know where the chocolate aisle is in the grocery store?

Ladies... anything else you want to add to Doc's list? We need to help him out...

 

[Doc]

Can you keep a cool head under crisis?
*Do you know basic first aid?
*Do you know what to do when little boys fall out of trees and are gushing blood out of their skulls?
*Do you know what to do when little girls get into battery acid and spill it on bare legs?
*Do you know how to keep panicked moms from making things worse?
*Do you know what to do when teen and pre-teen girls can't find anything to wear?
*And do you know where the chocolate aisle is in the grocery store?

24. I thrive in crisis mode.
25. I know basic first aid, and I am CPR qualified.
26. When boys fall out of trees with gushing head wounds, apply LIGHT pressure to the wound, and seek medical attention immediately.
27. For battery acid on skin, flush the area consistently with water for a minimum of 2-3 minutes, dab the area dry, and observe the wound. If the acid appears to be reacting, continue flushing with water, and repeat the process, several times if necessary. Wrap the wound and seek medical attention.
28. For panicked moms, stay calm. It's going to be ok. I'm here.
29. Previously being the father of a teenage girl, "Honey, you look great in anything. We are leaving in five minutes, with or without you."
30. Being a fan of chocolate, and previously married, I used to keep Snickers frozen in the freezer. I am a pro at this.

 

[CecilW]

It is conclusive.

New BF policy: All single women seeking an introduction should first be referred to the amazing, the awesome, the intimidating, the magnificent, the omnivorous, the AVAILABLE, Doc! :lol:

*backing slowly away while bowing repeatedly*

Love you, man, and praying for God to grace you with a gaggle of lovely wives. Or at least one. Any man who understands chocolate can't be ALL bad ...

 

[Froggie]

In all seriousness, though: keep baking soda handy for all acid spills/burns. For acid burns to the skin, apply a baking soda paste while the child is in the shower getting rinsed off.

It is also very helpful in cleaning up vomit-- sprinkle on a generous layer, then comfort the child. Come back to clean up the mess once the child is comfortable. It will help keep your carpet from being stained, and eliminate the odor.

* Do not confuse baking soda with baking powder. They are two completely different things, and serve completely different purposes.