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Why the resistance?

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Member
I'm wondering the psychological reason most women who are even OK with polygyny as an acceptable choice scripturally still say they don't wish to be part of it.
Most I speak to are quite resistant to the idea of being a second wife in a poly situation, or even the first wife with a second taken later.
Does anyone know this?
I've often thought it's a control issue, where if the woman is accepting of polygyny as a practice, but just not for her, that it's just a subtle way for her to be able to use her position as a means of influence. This would be as opposed to having a sister wife or two where then she would feel like her voice was minimized.
Any thoughts?
 
To say that one has an intellectual understanding that something is OK, or even ordained of God, is not necessarily the same as being willing or able to "walk the walk". And note that ANY marriage (just look at Amerika today ;) ) is already hard enough -- especially if one takes a license and invites the "prince of this world" to specify the parameters!

In other words, it's hard enough to get too many women to understand that it's God and not a piece of government-approved paper that matters to begin with, much less the follow-on wife or wives.

But there's another issue as well, and it's a specifically spiritual one. Whether it is the 'Spirit of Jezebel', or of Abandonment, or Rejection, or Jealousy - there are a large number of attacks which the Adversary seems to bring against those who seek to follow God's Word, particularly when it comes to patriarchy.

Fortunately, He has given us authority over those things. Oh, and I try not to neglect to remind people of the importance that a husband and Head of Household understand the lessons of Numbers chapter 30!
 
From my limited experience, one reason that women are resistant is because they may feel that they are being replaced. If the first relationship isn't strong, with both partners knowing who and what they are both spiritually and relationally, someone is bound to feel threatened. You can believe in something but still not do it. There has to be a change in your whole way of thinking to become polygamous. The process can make you a better person, but it can be quite painful. Changing the way you have believed for all of your life is quite unsettling.

IMHO
LIssa
 
I suppose there are two ways of looking at the "resistance" question. From the perspective of the woman and then from the man. And perhaps the best way of understanding a woman's perspective is to imagine having to share HER with her other husbands. Regardless if polyandry is a "sin" or not, there are known cultures in which a woman have more than one husband....and the husbands have to learn to "share" her. I am saying that in order to understand why a woman may be resistant to sharing her husband despite the benefits, just think about another man having sex with your wife....

And then there is another perspective, not every woman is suited to be in a polygynist relationship, just as not every man should be married to one woman little less more than one! So essentially try to think of life from a woman's perspectives....

But these are just my two cents.
 
Well said!
Compassion & understanding can come if you allow yourself to feel another's suffering.
This is the very reason we can trust that we are understood by our Daddy God, He put himself in our place.
 
yeah, that's the fun part.
The man trying to see from the woman's point of view and the woman from the man's.
Seems somehow everyone should be able to work things out
 
jacques said:
I suppose there are two ways of looking at the "resistance" question. From the perspective of the woman and then from the man. And perhaps the best way of understanding a woman's perspective is to imagine having to share HER with her other husbands. Regardless if polyandry is a "sin" or not, there are known cultures in which a woman have more than one husband....and the husbands have to learn to "share" her. I am saying that in order to understand why a woman may be resistant to sharing her husband despite the benefits, just think about another man having sex with your wife....

And then there is another perspective, not every woman is suited to be in a polygynist relationship, just as not every man should be married to one woman little less more than one! So essentially try to think of life from a woman's perspectives....

But these are just my two cents.
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Welcome Jacques!

From a very pragmatic point of reference, I agree. However, I would say that the resistance from women today may have more to do with Western Cultural influences. It is an "ownership" mentality - my husband belongs to me alone! I am unaware of women from polygynist cultures struggling with this problem until after they encounter the Western Culture. Thanks for the insights!
 
shepherdgirl said:
Well said!
Compassion & understanding can come if you allow yourself to feel another's suffering.
This is the very reason we can trust that we are understood by our Daddy God, He put himself in our place.
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Shepherdgirl,

I think you make an excellent point. Too many men try bring another wife into their marriage without any compassion and understanding. They have the "I am the head of the house, and you will do what I want" mentality to the degree that a wife feels like trash.
 
I totally agree about the "ownership" feelings among women in our country. Since we were little girls society tells us that we are the princess and that our prince charming will come and love us and only us forever. It is of course in the church also beause we are taught to expect a Chrisitan man to be completely faithful to us as a Christian women. It is all rapped up in feminism and the "rights" of women to boot. The church does teach headship but is diluted with the idea of a marriage partnership. There are many things a Christian women has to over come to accept polygamy. I know a man can be sensitive to it all but he comes from a different mind set in my opinion.

My hat is off to any man who is willing to love and guide his wife in the biblical belief of polygamy. As said before, it is not a lifesyle for everyone. But I truly hope that for every man who follows God's calling regarding it, that he will see the rewards of his hard work be evident in some way each day in his family.

Julie
 
julieb said:
I totally agree about the "ownership" feelings among women in our country. Since we were little girls society tells us that we are the princess and that our prince charming will come and love us and only us forever. It is of course in the church also beause we are taught to expect a Chrisitan man to be completely faithful to us as a Christian women. It is all rapped up in feminism and the "rights" of women to boot. The church does teach headship but is diluted with the idea of a marriage partnership. There are many things a Christian women has to over come to accept polygamy. I know a man can be sensitive to it all but he comes from a different mind set in my opinion.

My hat is off to any man who is willing to love and guide his wife in the biblical belief of polygamy. As said before, it is not a lifesyle for everyone. But I truly hope that for every man who follows God's calling regarding it, that he will see the rewards of his hard work be evident in some way each day in his family.

Julie
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Hello Julie,

Wow! You have summed up so much here. You certainly get to some bottom line! Thank you for sharing!
 
I think it is tantamount to foolishness to ask "Why the resistance?" (as though this were some great marvel); yet there is wisdom in understanding why so many are deceived. Please observe my reply to a friend who was extending offers to those who are in plural marriages and graciously inviting them to consider participating in interviews to be broadcast publicly:


I apologise for sharing that little piece I was working on without explaining it to you, however I was pressed for time. I am rejoicing as my newest bride and daughter are now living on this side of the border. I pray that my Country does not order them to return to the U.S.A. this time but if they do, we will not comply. I find it fascinating that so many U.S. civilians will be living in Canada as REFUGEES because of G.W. BUSH's Homeland Security laws. There was once a time, when both law-abiding U.S. civilians and Canadian citizens could cross the border with impunity and both Nations abided in harmony, more or less. Now we all have to have passports to cross. Does this move truly render North America more secure? I think not. Terrorism is a distraction created to keep our attention diverted from the real threats that rob the masses living in United States and Canada of their Civil Liberties and Freedoms.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Sadly, the legalities now involving the simple fact that I currently have two wives here, in Canada, are indeed circumstantial and community pressure is already on me to put away one of my wives. That is because I refuse to cower before the scrutiny of others in my community as though I need be ashamed of the truth. Anyone considering such an offer might well also consider the discrimination and hatred they will be forced to endure afterward. Anyone who asks me directly whether I have two wives will be met with an affirmative answer. I do indeed have two wives. The question is not whether or not I have two wives so much as it is whether I am actually MARRIED to two wives. The Word of the Lord calls l'basar echad (Marriage): ONE FLESH. Yet how can it be denied that Abraham was ONE FLESH with Hagar just as he was ONE FLESH with Sarah? Yet I take solace in the words of Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7... "But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away." Therefore I do indeed have what GOD has called in the volume of the book, " two wives". Neither do I pretend that GOD is so fickle that He has changed His mind concerning such things.

Let it be known that I have put away neither of my wives. I still see them, communicate with them, and I still love them both dearly even though they do not live under the same roof with me on a permanent basis anymore. I blame corrupt laws for this and I will not waiver in my position. Canada need not be so hypocritical as to call Common-law marriage lawful marriage and grant special privileges to those who sign the Civil Writ. I have satisfied the letter of the law in both regards. Neither of my wives has expressly stated that either one of them desires a divorce and it would certainly be a surprise to me if either of them ever did. To the best of my knowledge neither one has played the whore and I feel that I can safely make this statement in confidence. Men need to take responsibility for their progeny and the word VOLITION should be applicable in ALL marriage. These Oprah-styled shows are geared to sensationalize, to dramatize, and milk the sensualists for television ratings, titilating their viewers' vain imaginations and vulgar minds, even to the extent of reducing what the LORD GOD scanctified to the level of something resembling a geek show whereby the masses of television viewers might continue to entertain their lascivious hearts.

What does the world care for Godly marriage?

God bless you and your house
 
True, and it's sad that people like Oprah and Dr. Phil are what people see as correct.
These people play with the public's mind, and think nothing of it.
I can tell you who's spell they are under, but nobody in society really cares, it truly is a broad path to destruction.
 
Hello Friends,
I am new to the site, and I have enjoyed reading some of the opinions on "Why the resistance?".
I am married to a wonderful man who comes from a polygamist family, so I thought I would share what we have observed as to some of the things that have made this kind of uniqe marriage relationship successful,time enduring,and emotionally satisfying.
First and foremost, polygamy is a CALLING. We personally do not believe it should be attemted for any other reason. Folks, this calling should be entered into in the utmost respect for all parties concerned, and a willingness to persevere NO MATTER WHAT COMES! This is an awsome commitment , to, and by, all concerned. This truly calls for "On the knees" prayer, again, by all concerned.
What I am about to say may not be accepted by the vast majority, but again, in my personal observation, this is what has worked for the people we personally know.
The WIFE chooses her sister wife!
She will of course be choosing someone that SHE can ALSO love and share with.
Most of the jealousy, feelings of inadequacies, low self esteem etc. all stem from the fact that first wives often feel thretened by a second wife. If she doesn't have some kind of already established relationship with this person, it becomes even more complicated.Even when this is already established, it is often times difficult. A womans nest is sacred!
To the ladies, I would say to please be fair if you decide to do this. Don't bring home Miss Ugly USA! you should choose someone that you deeply love, admire, and respect. If that isn't there, it will not work. This woman should be someone that you love so much that you don't mind sharing your husband with in all aspects.
Gentlemen, if you absolutely must do the choosing, LOVE YOUR WIFE, choose someone you mutually admire and respect, and let it be somene that your wife can interact with on HeR intelligence leval. She will be the one who is with her MOST of the time, so it is important that they are able to communicate well, and on the same level. Also, don't insult your wife by bringing home MISS JULY! This is a sure fire way of receiving a resounding NO! Be sensitive to her feelings about whom you choose, if she says no, then best to keep looking. In my experience, if this is truly a CALLING, the right person for BOTH of you is presented, without an undue amount of time spent "searching " for one.
Something that both my husband and I have observed, is that people who have not been raised in polygamy have a lot harder time adjusting to this lifestyle. They have to completely redefine their concepts of love ,marriage ,etc. This in itself requires a lot of deep soul searching. Everything you previously believed about these things has to be rethought, reclassified.
I sincerely hope I have been of some help, and do not wish to offend.

Love to all of you,
Beautiful Dove
 
Beautiful Dove,

I actually think that is quite useful advice. When my wife and I talk about me possibly taking another wife, it seems obvious that she would be invaluable in finding the right woman. After all, she knows me better than anyone else and she knows my criteria as to what I would want in a wife. It's just good common sense to get one's existing "help meet" actively involved in the process.

When you have daughters, the mother isn't the one who needs to approves of the guys who might be interested in them, but rather the father (we men know how other men think). Likewise, when you have sons, the father really isn't the one who needs to approve of the girls that come around, but rather the mother. After all, the girls could snow the father and son equally with their sweetness, whereas the mother will be able to see things much more objectively.

The same thing would seem to apply regarding a "sister-wife", for lack of a better term. Even with a proper patriarchal understanding, in a western world, these women will need to have a strong bond to work together as a family and keep the household working in one accord. Who better to select your next wife than your existing wife? A wise man would listen to the advice of his help meet.

In Him,
David
 
djanakes'
I certainly agree with you, on all said. Your wife should know you well enough to know who willwork and who wouldn't. She will also be the one spending the most time with her, which is believe it or not , often overlooked by some husbands. To have a Christlike love for another wife, especially if the couple have been married for sometime, the first wife should feel that she is definitely important in the decision making processes, all the way down the line
Also, you have mentioned something that makes so much sense about the children,
I have not seen or heard those things mentioned before, thank you for sharing those thoughts!

In Christ,
Beautiful Dove
 
Hello,

Welcome!!

Great input! Just for some clarification from my frame of reference...

I am a firm believer in the wife (s) being involved with choosing of the future sister-wife, for a loving husband will obviously want the closest members of his family involved with this decision. I would just caution wives to not be the initiaters of this process.
 
Why not, DaPastor?
Or you mean the whole idea of polygyny be the wife's idea?
If my wife came to me and said she knows of another good woman, I'd hear her out.
 
^_^ said:
Why not, DaPastor?
Or you mean the whole idea of polygyny be the wife's idea?
If my wife came to me and said she knows of another good woman, I'd hear her out.
Click to expand...

Hello,

I am not speaking about a wife bringing up polygyny, or suggesting a possible wife. What I am speaking about is leadership. Men have abdicated their leadership to their wives. Men are designed to assume responsibility in their homes. Listening to their wives is wise, obeying their wives is quite another matter. We may be saying the same thing. I am merely bringing this up as a point of clarification.
 
Julieb said something that was really quite brilliant and insightful. She said that in today's church, we are taught the 'headship of the man', and then turn right around and say that marriage is a partnership!

I never really thought about it until she said it, but the Bible does not teach that marriage is a partnership, does it?

Blessings,

Doc
 
Well, I noticed it's not easy at all. I guess sincerity and patience are important. Society does have a strong programming in this and many other areas. In the west we are used to serial monogamy and broken families. It is in my opinion a self and possession issue. One that needs to be slowly worked out with God as the main driver. Even most average psychologist ( She was one..) can't really figure out why this happens. lol I guess once people get to know each other it may be easier. In my last attempt, jealousy on the new lady was the issue. It's like after we had talked about polygamy and she was ready to try, things went great then, she reverted back to what she was used to. Sometimes, people can't handle it or other changes. Also, communication was lacking.
Long distance makes it much more difficult to make any kind of relationship work. I did learn a few things though. lol ;)
I had a much biger post but I got logged out and lost it. Oops..
Hi everyone..
Oscar
 
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