Support Wife is taking kids to the church I was kicked out of. I told her not to but she will continue.

[Michaeltreeguy]

My wife and I still live in the same house. She is very apposed to the Polygyny truth. Thinks im wicked and deceaved. I was recently kicked out of my pretty solid church and called an apostate. This Sunday she wants to go back to church with the kids by herself because she has relationships there and finds support. I am apposed to this and said I was coming with and that made her mad because of fear of making a seen. I have decided to tell her I am in direct disagreement, but I will not follow her there. She would never allow me to take our kids to a polygynous gathering. This marriage seems very difficult to navigate in. Anybody have advise on this church situation when married couples disagree on this topic?

 

[MarkH]

Believing in Polygyny and living in polygyny are two different things. I don't know why the church or your wife fights you on what you believe.
Unless you are insisting on taking another wife, nothing has changed for either of them. I only know what you have shared here which is very limited and I'm sure there is a lot more to the story.
As for me: My wife will not even Bible study the issue with me. I do not have a second wife. So, it is all about belief and not practice.

 

[Michaeltreeguy]

Believing in Polygyny and living in polygyny are two different things. I don't know why the church or your wife fights you on what you believe.
Unless you are insisting on taking another wife, nothing has changed for either of them. I only know what you have shared here which is very limited and I'm sure there is a lot more to the story.
As for me: My wife will not even Bible study the issue with me. I do not have a second wife. So, it is all about belief and not practice.

Thanks for the reply. I am not trying to take a second wife. It is a core belief of mine now. Am I making to big of a deal of this type of disobedience from my wife? If your wife wont even study the issue with you do you still find peace and happiness living with her. Do you have children?

 

[The Revolting Man]

My wife and I still live in the same house. She is very apposed to the Polygyny truth. Thinks im wicked and deceaved. I was recently kicked out of my pretty solid church and called an apostate. This Sunday she wants to go back to church with the kids by herself because she has relationships there and finds support. I am apposed to this and said I was coming with and that made her mad because of fear of making a seen. I have decided to tell her I am in direct disagreement, but I will not follow her there. She would never allow me to take our kids to a polygynous gathering. This marriage seems very difficult to navigate in. Anybody have advise on this church situation when married couples disagree on this topic?

You’re going to have to take a hard stand that you don’t want your children going to this church and then you’re going to have to negotiate. I’m sorry. You may lose this fight. You’re probably going to lose a lot of fights for a while. As long as you stay in the field and don’t surrender you will win eventually.

 

[frederick]

My wife and I still live in the same house. She is very apposed to the Polygyny truth. Thinks im wicked and deceaved. I was recently kicked out of my pretty solid church and called an apostate. This Sunday she wants to go back to church with the kids by herself because she has relationships there and finds support. I am apposed to this and said I was coming with and that made her mad because of fear of making a seen. I have decided to tell her I am in direct disagreement, but I will not follow her there. She would never allow me to take our kids to a polygynous gathering. This marriage seems very difficult to navigate in. Anybody have advise on this church situation when married couples disagree on this topic?

Hi Michael. Your situation is not at all uncommon and some of us here know only too well what you are dealing with.

Regarding the local church, you and your wife are a married couple, you are the head of your home, and the church leaders have no right or authority to be telling your wife where she should go or not go with or without you. If you can have a civil discussion with the men, show them from scripture that your wife is under your authority and you will determine where you and your family go. Unless you are in unrepentant sin, they have zero justification for putting you out of the church; none, zilch, nada! However, it can be difficult to remain in a church assembly like that so you might need to look elsewhere.

Regarding your relationship with your wife, unless God drops another wife in your lap (it's happened to some), leave the topic of polygyny out of your discussions. It's not an eternal life and death issue. God can and does change people's hearts over time, and you may spare yourself the tragedy of a failed marriage. Best wishes.

 

[MarkH]

Thanks for the reply. I am not trying to take a second wife. It is a core belief of mine now. Am I making to big of a deal of this type of disobedience from my wife? If your wife wont even study the issue with you do you still find peace and happiness living with her. Do you have children?

As you see some here will take a die on your sword stand. AND DO it now!
Others are more moderate.

Regarding your relationship with your wife, unless God drops another wife in your lap (it's happened to some), leave the topic of polygyny out of your discussions. It's not an eternal life and death issue. God can and does change people's hearts over time, and you may spare yourself the tragedy of a failed marriage.

I'm all for prayer and asking for the Holy Spirit's direction. Unless you want to end your marriage with all the baggage, including what happens to the kids, discernment is in order.
Yes, you are the head of your family, but unless you have been living this way in your marriage, you are now taking on a war with two fronts. You might want to start with the study of headship with yourself first, then with the wife. Then, later, work in polygyny.
If the leaders of the church know you have no short-term intent of taking another wife, most will settle on that agreement. It may take a sit-down to discuss these issues.

As for me: I pray for my wife to meet and befriend a woman without a husband and with that friendship make room for the Holy Spirit to work. The truth is she and I entered into the monogamy view of marriage, and I am the one changing the terms, including a new understanding of marriage. I am bound by my agreements/promises.

 

[NBTX11]

This Sunday she wants to go back to church with the kids by herself because she has relationships there and finds support

She is not “finding support”, she is finding people to fill her head with how wicked and deceived you are, and how right she is. Expect the pastor to “counsel” her on how she is being mistreated. Expect her group of women friends to encourage her to leave or divorce you if you don’t come to your senses fast.

I wish I had a good answer for your situation. Time has a way of softening views, and since you’re not actually seeking another wife, maybe disengage on the topic for a while. Introduce authority structure as a biblical topic when things have cooled off.

 

[NickF]

All these guys suggesting “maybe stop talking poly, maybe study patriarchy”.

There should have never been any discussion of poly before patriarchy was studied and implemented. Then your first wife needed to be brainwashed (wash your wife in the word) into KNOWING you cherish her and love her. She needs to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is 100% secure in her position with you.

So now you’re dealing with a massive screwup and the fallout of that foolishness. Stop discussing poly. You’re incapable of it right now, it needs to be removed entirely from the discussion table. IF it’s ever possible for you, it’s likely only doable 5+ years from now. Might as well write it off as never happening.

Don’t fight your wife. Apologize for bringing it up, it was stupid and foolish. Secure her trust and confidence. Start walking SLOWLY in your authority as head of your household. Taking a hard authoritarian stance will ensure you have no children or wife. Please don’t listen to the authoritarian advice being given. I can guarantee it will end in disaster for you. If there’s any hope of you salvaging this you need to be gentle and calm. Peaceful and meek.

 

[NBTX11]

Apologize for bringing it up, it was stupid and foolish.

It’s never wrong to discuss what is actually written in the pages of God’s Word, which he has handed down to us.

Don’t apologize, just stop talking about it. I won’t apologize for reading what is actually in the word.

If he talked about it every day to beat her down with it then sure, apologize for the approach, but not bringing it up.

 

[Michaeltreeguy]

You’re going to have to take a hard stand that you don’t want your children going to this church and then you’re going to have to negotiate. I’m sorry. You may lose this fight. You’re probably going to lose a lot of fights for a while. As long as you stay in the field and don’t surrender you will win eventually.

thanks for the long haul encouragement

 

[Michaeltreeguy]

Hi Michael. Your situation is not at all uncommon and some of us here know only too well what you are dealing with.

Regarding the local church, you and your wife are a married couple, you are the head of your home, and the church leaders have no right or authority to be telling your wife where she should go or not go with or without you. If you can have a civil discussion with the men, show them from scripture that your wife is under your authority and you will determine where you and your family go. Unless you are in unrepentant sin, they have zero justification for putting you out of the church; none, zilch, nada! However, it can be difficult to remain in a church assembly like that so you might need to look elsewhere.

Regarding your relationship with your wife, unless God drops another wife in your lap (it's happened to some), leave the topic of polygyny out of your discussions. It's not an eternal life and death issue. God can and does change people's hearts over time, and you may spare yourself the tragedy of a failed marriage. Best wishes.

Would you then recommend that I consider not posting video's / rebukes to my former pastor's videos where he calls me out as wicked and apostate? I have a hard time dropping topics that I am passionate about.

 

[steve]

Would you then recommend that I consider not posting video's / rebukes to my former pastor's videos where he calls me out as wicked and apostate? I have a hard time dropping topics that I am passionate about.

Your wife and children should be much more important to you at this point than fighting with a pastor.
Imo

 

[NickF]

It’s never wrong to discuss what is actually written in the pages of God’s Word, which he has handed down to us.

Don’t apologize, just stop talking about it. I won’t apologize for reading what is actually in the word.

If he talked about it every day to beat her down with it then sure, apologize for the approach, but not bringing it up.

Not wrong, but sometimes it's stupid. I've seen too many men take the moral self righteous high ground, do their battles till they have nothing left of their life. Wife gone, children gone, business shattered, all so they can say they "did what was right and stood for truth!". Idiots all of them. Foolishness.

He screwed up pushing his wife too far too fast, that deserves apology. Not handling things well and treating your wife with too heavy of a hand, not living with her according to knowledge is not being a good steward of what has been entrusted to you. There's no shame in admitting that, it takes a very strong character to admit as much. Doing so is likely the only way to build back any semblance of a bridge to his wife and start the process of restoring fellowship. Taking the moral high ground and refusing to budge is a recipe for a broken family.

The wise thing would be to admit his failures, take the topic off the table, ensure her that he is not pursuing the idea, nor does he have any intention to do so. Work on restoring the family he has and be faithful with the little before he ever considers seeking more.

The horse (patriarchy and headship) needs to be strong and fully in place before the cart (concept of polygyny) is ever considered.

 

[FollowingHim]

I was recently kicked out of my pretty solid church and called an apostate.

If you have been formally kicked out, it may be worth inquiring with the elders of that church and asking for them to clarify the detail of this. In other words, is it their explicit intention to kick you out but welcome your wife in, dragging a husband and wife apart every Sunday morning? Or is it their intention to not have your family attend their church?

Worded correctly (and that may not be worded correctly), this could be helpful. Either it will force them to say that yes, they are trying to create a division in your family, which may cause remorse and reconsideration on their part, or it will force them to say that your wife is not welcome to attend, which would resolve your present dilemma quite conclusively without it being your fault.

I agree with @NickF that you need to approach this all very tactfully, with the focus being on loving your wife and drawing her back to you. Hence why I make the above suggestion, as it is a way of addressing the matter that is not debating with your wife.

 

[NickF]

Yes, be wise, tactful, keep the focus on the wholeness of your household. Breaking families apart is not Christian. Even the wife of an unbelieving husband is to stay with her husband if he wants her to stay.

 

[PeteR]

If she goes to church, YOU go to church. Be prepared for the confrontational headship discussion w pastor and elders.

 

[FollowingHim]

I should point out that this would set a very bad precedent and should, if at all possible, be stopped before it begins - so by saying be tactful, I am not saying give up and let her do as she pleases. @PeteR is correct in general principle. Nevertheless, the method has to be considered carefully as having a giant fight over this could also be very damaging, hence why I suggest feeling around the details a little to determine how to go about this. The object should be that whatever the detail, you all end up worshipping together this weekend. As anything else opens a crack which can quickly be levered wide open. It's just a matter of finding the least resistance way of getting to that result.

This may be a suitable balance: you could put your foot down about worshipping together, but not where that is. You could tell your wife that your decision is that you will all worship together as a family this Sunday, this is not up for negotiation, but you leave it her decision as to where that will be and will gladly take the family anywhere she chooses.

 

[frederick]

Would you then recommend that I consider not posting video's / rebukes to my former pastor's videos where he calls me out as wicked and apostate? I have a hard time dropping topics that I am passionate about.

Redirect that passion toward your wife and family as it will accomplish much more than posting comments on YouTube. There are guys posting responses and calling Joel Saint out for his lies, leave it to them. You get passionate about your family. Cheers

 

[FollowingHim]

This may be a suitable balance: you could put your foot down about worshipping together, but not where that is. You could tell your wife that your decision is that you will all worship together as a family this Sunday, this is not up for negotiation, but you leave it her decision as to where that will be and will gladly take the family anywhere she chooses.

The reason you would give your wife for this is that your ONLY focus is trying to preserve your marriage and your family. You don't care about winning a theological argument, you have no intention of taking another wife, her relationship with you is the only thing that matters. And one key step in restoring your marriage is making sure that you worship together, so you are being drawn together in all you do rather than being drawn apart.

 

[IndianaLife]

Am I making to big of a deal of this type of disobedience from my wife?

Well, first, she's not being disobedient. She's not a dog, she's an adult that has her right to choose where she attends church. You've sprung something on her and are, at least on here, acting like she's an evil villain, so you probably are coming off as hostile to her in person, too. Have you tried having a calm, rational conversation with her?