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Meet a potential alone or with FW?

NewBeginning

NewBeginning

New Member
Male
Hello all,

I am in process of meeting a widow for taking her as second.

She adresses the concern that we should meet just us both first.

What do you think and know by experience?

I plan on having alone moments with her, but she is quite far from us so I prefer get there with my FW to be sure they are compatible too.

Am I wrong?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts
 
It depends.

You should know marriage yes or no within next year max. Preferable 3/4 months.

Now plan enough time together for evaluation by yourself, your wife and mutual.
 
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I am monogamous so my opinion isn’t worth a lot but I would with the widow. There is already so much going on in the situation that I would want to be able to simplify that first meeting and be able to focus on this woman and our reactions to each other.

This is assuming that you have thoroughly vetted her, had video chats, unleashed you first wife on her social media and so on and so on. Your first wife will absolutely have insights that you won’t and pick up on things you can’t but this woman’s relationship will be primarily with you and her relationship to your first wife will flow through that.

Plus, compatibility between wives (remember I’ve never been poly) seems to be a matter of decision and deliberate strategies. It has to be forged and chosen by all parties. It doesn’t just happen.
 
I picked her up (after a long period of remote conversation...) at the train station on the other side of the Divide, and we had a two-plus hour car ride, and a breakfast stop en route, to talk before she got to meet my first. But by then, she had a one-week commitment anyway... ;)

And we already had a pretty good idea of at least how the first part would go.

(Being way out in the Boondocks has a number of interaction disadvantages, but at least provides a good deal of 'filtering.')
 
One lived in our house for 8 months before we married. Fw met her at the airport, I was out of town.

Second one I built a relationship with over the phone for a few months and then rented a truck and drove to pick her up and bring her home, having never met her previously.

Guess which relationship has worked out the best?
 
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So as a third wife I am going to throw this out there, does your FW even know you are talking to this other woman? If she does why have they not been having interactions? For me it is a thing of yes they need to build a relationship and I would encourage video chats etc.
 
ASyers41 said:
So as a third wife I am going to throw this out there, does your FW even know you are talking to this other woman?
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Yes, but not generally until there's actually something worth talking about (as most here can confirm, 90%+ turn out to be dead ends, or worse...)
 
NewBeginning said:
Hello all,

I am in process of meeting a widow for taking her as second.

She adresses the concern that we should meet just us both first.

What do you think and know by experience?

I plan on having alone moments with her, but she is quite far from us so I prefer get there with my FW to be sure they are compatible too.

Am I wrong?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts
Click to expand...
I'm not. Sure maybe just you ir to be safe your wife with you
 
I have just deleted a post which contained very inappropriate advice for someone courting a woman (suggesting you should just sleep with her and if you don't you're clearly not interested). The point of this forum is to actually help people, not wreck their lives. Other mods feel free to act accordingly also.
 
From your introduction:
NewBeginning said:
Recently learned that polygyny is not a sin from the ressources of this forum, thanks for that!

Been studying the subject for a while too.
I am with my wife for over 15+ years, and she is coming to an understanding of it all too, even if she is struggling with contradictory emotions.
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The most common mistake we see from people is that they move too fast, and the most common advice we give is to tell them to slow down. It's understandable to want to move fast, you've found out PM is not a sin, a whole new world has opened up, and today your wife seems ok with it.

*Insert 'it's a trap!' meme here*

Your wife is still trying to get her head wrapped around it. She needs time, guidance, and love. Today your wife might be fine with it, tomorrow she might not be. Too many times men rush into this and their first marriage falls apart because of it. Don't make this mistake.
 
My concern would be to first ensure the Word of God was the foundation and anchor, rock solid, for your first wife and then for your potential second, third,... . It won't matter what happens after that, what order you and your first meet her, because you are going to have to deal with problems. Whether your relationships survive or not depends on you and your women's abilities to overcome the problems. If you can't overcome the problems you may as well not start down that road because one or both relationships will fail.
 
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@NewBeginning
If you search this forum, or are fortunate enough to attend a retreat, you will find that there is no simple formula.

Much of it depends on the stability of your first relationship and the stresses it can withstand.

Some enter plurality quickly, and it works out fine. Others wait years, and when it arrives, it still crumbles.

Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you.
 
Mojo said:
@NewBeginning
If you search this forum, or are fortunate enough to attend a retreat, you will find that there is no simple formula.

Much of it depends on the stability of your first relationship and the stresses it can withstand.

Some enter plurality quickly, and it works out fine. Others wait years, and when it arrives, it still crumbles.

Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you.
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I have a theory that the best way to enter polygny would be with two first wives. Marry them at the same time. Then there would never be the idea of exclusivity or first wife rules etc..
 
steve said:
One lived in our house for 8 months before we married. Fw met her at the airport, I was out of town.

Second one I built a relationship with over the phone for a few months and then rented a truck and drove to pick her up and bring her home, having never met her previously.

Guess which relationship has worked out the best?
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Hmmm don’t know. My guess is the first one?
 
ASyers41 said:
So as a third wife I am going to throw this out there, does your FW even know you are talking to this other woman? If she does why have they not been having interactions? For me it is a thing of yes they need to build a relationship and I would encourage video chats etc.
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Yes they both know. Yes we had video chats.
The widow uses english as a second language, so is my wife. Me I have no problem with either languages. Interactions are thus limited in the sens that my fw is not very fluent. But we did have comm everyday for 4 months and several video chats.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
From your introduction:

The most common mistake we see from people is that they move too fast, and the most common advice we give is to tell them to slow down. It's understandable to want to move fast, you've found out PM is not a sin, a whole new world has opened up, and today your wife seems ok with it.

*Insert 'it's a trap!' meme here*

Your wife is still trying to get her head wrapped around it. She needs time, guidance, and love. Today your wife might be fine with it, tomorrow she might not be. Too many times men rush into this and their first marriage falls apart because of it. Don't make this mistake.
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Thanks. I need to be more precise then, « recently learned » is a little more than a year. Same for FW. All is understood but practical and theorical, are two separate things.
 
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