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Support Telling my family I am pursuing becoming a 2nd wife.

M

MissB

New Member
I just got home from spending a week with a family who I am strongly considering joining. It was JOY to be there, getting to know the man, his first wife, and their kiddos. It seriously feels like Yah’s blessing is all over this relationship, especially my connection to the 1st wife.

We are preparing for the husband to come down & visit my family the second to the last week of September. Following that a longer-term probation/trial period would be necessary. An opportunity for real life and time shed light on each other's character better than a week can.

I have a deep and sweet relationship with both my parents, which is a HUGE blessing. I was raised in a conservative home and homeschooled. I am also an only child. In that I often feel like I am a disappointment, that my decision will hurt them. I’m afraid that I will hurt them by not fulfilling the typical marriage and expectations that they have for my life - but I would like to invite them into the process and welcome them at simple ceremony if they want to be there.

I’m curious how other 2nd wives have navigated telling their parents/significant Christian friends. Or even 1st wives too any advice or wisdom you all may have to offer I’d be very keen to hear.

I want to hold honour and respect for my parents, while also not ignoring scripture.

I want to express and do due diligence in explaining the facts of the Bible around polygyny, which feels very hard to do alone when I don’t feel very scholorly on the subject.

This is my first post on here. And I am feeling very grateful for this community.
 
Have you given them any indication of what direction you have been considering?
How long have you been been talking to this family?

I know that you asked for advice from second wives, but situations that parallel yours are quite an anomaly.
 
Btw; welcome to the understanding of polygyny and to our little corner of it. 😊
 
When my future at thatvpoint second wife joined us, we did not receive any pushback at all when she began attending family functi9ns. Everyone was very supportive and took it very much in stride. Some attended the wedding when time came round.
If anything, people were remarkably non commental. Only one seemed confused by the equation and upon having it explained, he simply said "Oh, ok...that's strange but if it makes y'all happy then it sounds good".
I don't think that will be how every family will react. In fact I suspect that I simply lucked out because I have very much seen extremely negative reactions as well.

The thing that is fairly common for family to conclude is that you are being made a victim of a scam. That you are being brainwashed into some sort of odd cult and that you have to have been made a victim of some sort of hedonist group who wish to use you for sex.
As I have been a polygamist and an advocate for a long time, I have encountered that assumption several times , both online and in real life. It is tiresome as can be as it takes very little critical analysis to realize that the notion is ridiculous. Unfortunately that doesn't help you in the moment and doesn't keep people...parents and family...from having a knee jerk negative emotional reaction.
What is your prediction about how your parents will react to the idea and how they will process information you give them about the relationship?

Welcome to the site by the way.
 
Hi @MissB welcome to the site! I hope that you will find some good things here.

Telling family about plural marriage is a nuanced discussion for each family for sure. The good news is you know your family the best, and I suspect you will come up with a good way of sharing your new desires with them regarding marriage. You might decide to start out small by dropping "what do you think about multiple wives for men?" questions and then just listen to what they say. Don't argue just listen and pray for an opportunity to share a little of what you think about the subject. Or you might decide to tell them the whole story in one BIG conversation, making sure you have lots of time available for all of you to talk. There really isn't a right or wrong way to do it, other than walking in defensiveness if they start saying negative things to you. Remember, you have just ask their minds to grasp a crazy, out of the box, concept. Give them grace for a negative first response and then grace for time to process it all as you continue to hopefully talk.

As for being prepared to share what the Bible says about that, you should definitely get that more solid in your mind. You could also order some books that they could read about it. We have a resource list on our HOME page that you could take a look at for some of those books or articles. There are also more to be found on Amazon these days as more and more men come to this understanding. I would encourage you to read them first though before offering them to your parents so you know what they will be reading and asking questions about. This will give you more of a foundation, also. I am assuming your new potential husband would have some thoughts on that, too.

I encourage you to continue to take things slow and ask LOTS of questions to your potential family. Also, stay in prayer and in the Word of God as you continue to learn and grow in this new idea of marriage.
 
MissB said:
I want to express and do due diligence in explaining the facts of the Bible around polygyny, which feels very hard to do alone when I don’t feel very scholorly on the subject.
Click to expand...
Just a thought that comes to mind with your comment here. You are probably identifying with 99% of the people when they first come to this understanding, and many continue to struggle to respond confidently when questioned about this matter biblically. The false monogamy-only belief has been so ingrained into people's mindset that it takes time and patience to overcome it - sometimes even for ourselves. Take heart @MissB, you are among fellow disciples in the battle for the truth, and we're all learning and growing together. Shalom
 
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