Support New to all this and afraid to speak publicly

[HannahMiller]

Sory things didn't go the way you had hoped. Women are quite sensitive to safe and unsafe suitations, unless past trauma makes them over ride their intuition. Your suitation doesn't seem safe for her heart so she has probally made a good call for herself.

Prehaps this is a blessing in disguise and God will lead you to other ways to solve the problems you are facing.

 

[Mojo]

I can't wait until the kids go to bed so I can hear what my wife thinks of all this.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t overthink it.

Now if she never wants to talk to you again, that’s different. Most women aren’t going to be comfortable even hinting that they have an interest in another woman’s man. It’s a taboo subject in our culture.

It’s a good sign for now.

But, I said before that being a part of your family is almost certainly not on her radar. She’s only acting in a way polite culture would have her act.

 

[frederick]

It's not going well. I introduced them when we walked in. We sat down with her and talked for a few minutes, then she moved to a different table. Maybe she's completely moved on because she views me as unavailable. I don't know what to do next, if anything.

I can't wait until the kids go to bed so I can hear what my wife thinks of all this.

This has opened the opportunity for your wife to experience first hand what it's like to meet someone you're interested in. It will likely be an emotional roller coast for her. It is also an opportunity for the new woman to see that you are a man of integrity in your dealings with her and your wife. Stand firm on God's Word in your responses to both of these women and allow Him to providentially direct you all to where He wants you.

In the book of Proverbs God instructs us; Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6). Be confident knowing God's providence will bring you along His path in all this. Shalom

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

Sory things didn't go the way you had hoped. Women are quite sensitive to safe and unsafe suitations, unless past trauma makes them over ride their intuition. Your suitation doesn't seem safe for her heart so she has probally made a good call for herself.

Prehaps this is a blessing in disguise and God will lead you to other ways to solve the problems you are facing.

Yeah, you're probably right, but what was the thing she felt unsafe about? Hard to know. I can't tell what her perspective is here.

I just had a very long conversation with my wife about this. She brought up some other possibilities that frankly terrify me. She said I may have misinterpreted everything. F2 is a friendly person. I may have misread that as her being interested in me.

She also said that the shocked look I saw on her face when she realized I'm married could have just been her realizing that she had been too friendly with a married man without realizing it. I'm not sure I believe this though because I've seen her be very friendly with other married men in a platonic way. She doesn't seem to have any issue with that.

Something else about this is bothering me. I introduced her to our baby before I introduced my wife. You'd think that any woman would gush over a little baby, look at him, or remark on how cute he is. She didn't look at him at all. It seemed like such an odd reaction for a woman.

And, again, I really don't think I've said or done anything anyone would find inappropriate. I don't think I've given her to feel uncomfortable around me. She seemed very comfortable with me last time. I don't understand.

I also wonder about the fact she didn't say anything about the desserts I had baked for her family. I would never ask about a gift, especially food, because I know it can put people in an uncomfortable position if they didn't like the gift. But I thought it was slightly odd that she didn't say anything about it, whether her family appreciated it, etc. She could have forgotten, or maybe she felt uncomfortable. I don't know. Not knowing is driving me crazy.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t overthink it.

Now if she never wants to talk to you again, that’s different. Most women aren’t going to be comfortable even hinting that they have an interest in another woman’s man. It’s a taboo subject in our culture.

It’s a good sign for now.

But, I said before that being a part of your family is almost certainly not on her radar. She’s only acting in a way polite culture would have her act.

I hope you're right. If I'm misreading all of this, I would be so embarrassed, not to mention the disappointment. It's been several months now and I'm at the point where I just want to ask her straight up what's going on. It's been taking a toll on me this whole time.

If I don't address the situation head on, this could go on for years. If I wasn't already married, I would have asked her out by mow. I'm just stuck in this awful in between state and not knowing anything with certainty.

This has opened the opportunity for your wife to experience first hand what it's like to meet someone you're interested in. It will likely be an emotional roller coast for her. It is also an opportunity for the new woman to see that you are a man of integrity in your dealings with her and your wife. Stand firm on God's Word in your responses to both of these women and allow Him to providentially direct you all to where He wants you.

In the book of Proverbs God instructs us; Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6). Be confident knowing God's providence will bring you along His path in all this. Shalom

Yeah, I imagine she saw that we have a great relationship and a very healthy family. And that may be pushing her even further away.

I'm glad that my wife finally got to meet her though. It's no longer a theoretical idea to her. Now this person is very real to her, and she does think very highly of her from the small amount of interaction she had with her. (F2 is the kind of person who leaves a strong impression very quickly. I'm speaking from personal experience!)

Are there any other women here who can help me understand this?

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

I can't sleep. I didn't know my wife felt so strongly about plural marriage until tonight. She seemed agreeable before. She said positive things about it and she agreed on the biblical basis for it. But she made it very clear tonight that she doesn't want to do this.

I keep praying that one of us changes our feelings. She'll stick by me no matter what, but I could never go through with this if it's hurting her. She's the only person in the world who really loves me. She's the only family I have. And all I want is more family.

I don't know what to do. This is eating me alive. I love my wife so much and I don't want to hurt her, but my longing to expand our family is just as strong. I feel so lonely.

When I was a kid, I used to see other kids with parents who loved each other and everyone was healthy and cared for each other. I'm almost 40 years old and I'm still grieving the family I never had. I have this hole in my heart. When I was in my 20s, I longed for children. I finally got them, but I've found that marriage is incredibly lonely when you have no family support.

We haven't had any significant amount of time together since our son was born over a decade ago. We only get to see each other if we stay up late and lose a lot of sleep. We haven't even shares a bed for years because we've had kids in our bed all this time. I hardly even feel like I'm married.

I dreamed my whole life of what marriage would look like. I pictured us going to sleep together every night holding each other under the sheets. When we got married, I found out that she doesn't like sheets and she didn't like sharing a blanket. Holding each other until we fell asleep wasn't comfortable for her. Then babies and the neighbor's noisy dog forced me to sleep in the walk in closet.

Now I have this crazy solution to solve all our problems. We could finally spend a night together without kids if I marry a second person. We could have another family member to replace the ones we've been missing all these years. And it's just not working out for stupid, frustrating reasons.

I don't know where to go from here. Life has been so hard.