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Attitude is everything

donnag said:
I guess I think that we can become enablers of childish behavior in a quest to be 'submissive' and no one respects a enabler.
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I suppose that is what some people want to do and that should be respected as a choice, but I do wonder whether they make a rod for their own backs because as well as people not respecting an enabler, people do not respect the person who is childish and incapable.

B
 
The OP was designed to get wives thinking about how their attitude lines up with what the Lord expects of us. I have spoken to many over the past few years who want to make believe that everything is "normal" and the same as it always was. In the case of Biblical Marriage, it means that the family looks like every other family on the block and no one knows that we are any different from anyone else. If a second (or more) wife exists, then she is a "dirty little secret" from the outside world. Imagine how that feels to that person. Or if the first wife never "allows" hubby to have more than one wife, then he may feel that his first wife is hindering him in his persuit. My goal was not to chastise anyone, but to ask ladies to reflect on how their attitude may or may not affect their husbands. If the thread doesn't apply to any particular reader then that is wonderful. But if anyone can apply my experience to their lives, that is why I put it out there.

I use an analogy that may or may not apply here. When a man goes to war, we all hope that he will come back unscarred. Sometimes they do, but sometimes they leave an arm or a leg behind. Sometimes the damage is to the emotions, rather than to the body. When that happens, we as wives have to learn how to live the way they must now live. No wife would ever tell her husband to go back to the war and not come back till his body is whole. But once a husband comes to the knowledge that polgyny is not sinful, it changes his structure. It changes his emotions and he begins to think in different ways. It is not easy to put into words. My hubby hid his belief regarding polygyny for over a decade. Once he freed himself to openly believe it, it changed him. He is happier and more content, Just because he isn't trying to conform to the ways of the world (or the demands of his wife.) It was like the moment he allowed himself to admit to his beliefs, a world of weight was lifted off his shoulders. If he noticed an attractive woman, it was no longer a sin. If he imagined a life with an extra woman in it he wasn't a pervert. He wasn't sinning just by having these fantasies. In a very real way it released him to follow God more closely because he didn't feel like he was sinning in his heart all the time. Since sin separates us from God, feeling like you are sinning all the time makes it hard to walk closely with God.

So my OP was meant to get women thinking about whether they are fully supporting their husbands. If a woman is hindering her husband, I want to encourage her to rearrange her thinking so that she can be the supportive help meet that God designed her to be.

SweetLissa
 
Love all the comments on this post. However, with that said I must say that I do value my husband for how willing he is to ask how all of us feel about a situation before completely making a final decision. I love how he doesn't expect perfection and I value that he is willing to help out around the house and is willing to do whatever he see's that needs done. Do I expect him to do all these things? Absolutely, not!!!!! This is why he is so cherished by me because it isn't expected and when he does chip in it shows me that he value's the things that I do in the house.
 
I value those things in my husband as well. Generally, he tries to include me in decisions, but he has to know that I won't balk if he doesn't. I have to trust him, but I also have to trust God to know that He won't lead hubby in a bad place. Submission is more than submitting to our husbands, it is really placing our trust in God.

I am not advocating dictatorship by a husband. A wise husband will seek the counsel of his wives. But the husband has the final say-so.

SweetLissa
 
SweetLissa,

Thank you so much for broaching this subject. I have had the chance to check MY attitude and I have prayed about this type of thing. God's word is ULTIMATE. He instructed us to live according to it. He gave instructions on how to be a husband and how to be a wife.

I know that in the last 2 years God had put me in check because He opened my heart and eyes to PM. I have a husband who is not a natural leader. I am the natural leader in our household ... However God showed me that I was in the wrong for not stepping into my position as the HEART of our home and allow my hubby to be the HEAD. I really struggled with that. I now do my very best to be obedient to GOD by being biblically submissive to my loving husband.
 
I have a husband who is not a natural leader.
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I am confused, surely if you are the natural head of the home, than what you are doing by changing your role is forcing both yourself and your husband to behave unnaturally to conform to an outside proscribed behaviour?
How are you helping your husband by asking him to behave in a way which is unnatural to him?
It doesn't seem very loving, It seems very pressurising and stressful. it seems more like social control but social control imposed by someone who loves you. Reminds me of those people who try to get a naturally studious, shy boy to 'man up' and act like a Sporty jock because that is what is valued by social norms as Alpha male behaviour.

It seems awfully tragic.

B
 
Man is naturally sinful. That doesn't make it good. Part of being a Christian (which is one of the major foundations of this website) is the ongoing mission to become more Christlike and to be obedient to God's word as much as we possibly can. We should always be striving to follow God's word. If a man is naturally sloppy, it helps him to strive to be neater. You yourself have said that men should do their share of the housework, so using your question "how is it helping a man to be something besides his own natural state?"

The bible (which is the foundation of this website) tells us that the natural is not God's way.

Rom 12:1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
Rom 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Isabella, I understand that you are not a believer, but you need to understand that most of us are believers and we see things differently than you do.

SweetLissa
 
sweetlissa said:
You yourself have said that men should do their share of the housework,
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Are you responding to me? Because I have not said anything of the sort.

Personally, I don't believe that 'man is naturally sinful' I think that is a horrible way to view humanity, luckily it isn't what I believe but....if you feel that it is the case than good luck to you.

so using your question "how is it helping a man to be something besides his own natural state?"

The bible (which is the foundation of this website) tells us that the natural is not God's way.
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Thank you Sweetlissa, that wasn't something I was aware of, however, it makes sense within the context now.
Yes, I am well aware that this is a Christian website, as you are well aware that I am not Christian, so these questions are valid for a person who doesn't know very much about why you do things. Explanations from a person in the know are appreciated, rather than making me feel like a pariah just for simply asking them.

B
 
Isabella,
You may not have said those words, but you agreed wholeheartedly with Donnag when she criticized my use of the words wife-jobs. You accused me of letting my hubby be infantized and agreed that by letting him be helpless I was enabling him. If this isn't criticising both of our "natural states" then I don't know what is.

And I was answering your question, by referring to the bible. If I referred to popular psychology, I would have been criticized for going outside of scripture for answers.

Popular psychology doesn't agree with biblical roles for families at all. So the world will never understand why we do things the way we do them until they are drawn to read and accept the bible as the word of God. I am sorry if I made you feel like a pariah. I was under the impression that you had no desire to learn about our beliefs (based on posts that you have made in other threads.)

The bible tells us that we are to submit to our husbands. It is not easy but it is a promise we made when we vowed to love, honor and obey for all the days of our life (or however it was worded.) The function of Biblical families is to help families with how the bible fits into modern day families. We have to stick with the bible or we will go all over the map. My specific role is to help women who are put in a position of dealing with the reality of biblical marriage.

SweetLissa
 
sweetlissa said:
Isabella,
You may not have said those words, but you agreed wholeheartedly with Donnag when she criticized my use of the words wife-jobs. You accused me of letting my hubby be infantized and agreed that by letting him be helpless I was enabling him. If this isn't criticising both of our "natural states" then I don't know what is.
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Firstly, agreeing with someone is not the same as using those words. There is no excuse for that and I don't think it is appropriate to put words into someone's mouth and then instead of apologising for this bad form, making an excuse for it. Secondly, I did not say that 'you' were infantilising anyone, I was speaking generally. I never referenced you, because I actually think that this behaviour is much bigger than you or I or indeed anyone on this board.

In fact, my use of the term, 'natural state' was in response to someone else who said it was HER natural state to be the head in her relationship, I responded with a 'question' whether going against nature was correct, you responded by saying that our nature was not Godly. This is fine, I accept this as your belief.

I am sorry if I made you feel like a pariah.
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Thank you for apologising, I accept.

B
 
SweetLissa,

I was not criticizing you, I was asking what ‘wife-jobs’ is and if you were implying that a spouse couldn't go shopping or out for the day or evening with a friend unless the husband had a babysitter? I just don't relate to that, that's all.
 
sweetlissa said:


I think that a wise woman, after confirming that poly is not sinful, will try to help their husband to follow God in whatever he does. If not, he may go forward without her. This applies to every aspect of following our husbands, whether it deals with employment, ministry, poly, or any number of other possibilities.

SweetLissa
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I totally agree with you here. However, the wife's main problem is not submission to her husband, but to God. She probably is disobeying the Lord in "smaller" areas and the time it really comes to the forefront is with poly. So, yes, a woman has to obey the Lord and submit to her husband, but she has to submit fully her heart to Almighty God first and foremost, then submission to hubby won't be a fight, but what comes automatically from a heart wholly committed to the Lord.

I guess, using the examples of a husband secretly marrying someone else really rubbed me the wrong way. The Lord has totally changed my heart over the last few months, but when I was new to the knowledge of poly I did not have to be reminded of all the horrible things that could happen if I chose not to go along with it. They was my first thoughts. They plagued me and Satan tried to use my fears that stemmed from those thoughts to totally destroy me. What changed my whole life was focusing on who God was and that his plan is always good and not the horrible stuff that "could" happen.

I really do thank you for your post. It has made me think about a lot of things. You touched on a very important topic. I hope you don't mind me adding my thoughts about some of it. Some women might need those "swift kick in the butt" warnings to get them in gear, I just thought I would give another side to the coin. I apologize if it sounded overly critical. I had limited time and my computer kept messing up, so I had to just focus on one thing or else I would have been struggling with the post all night!
 
[quote="Isabella"

If his fantasy life is so much larger than his marriage, I would seriously question his motivation.

B[/quote]



I couldn't imagine joining a family that is not all on the same page about having their family grow with another wife. What is missing in a man's life that he HAS to find someone else? THAT problem should be fixed before finding someone to add to the family. I have to say that if there is a woman and her children, for example, in need, that is one thing, but for a man to be on the prowl just because he CAN when the first wife is in despair and woe??? What treachery to the wife of his youth! Love, care, concern, prayer, and maybe a little courting can draw a wayward wife back into her husband's arms (and into submission to his desire for another wife) a lot faster than anything. I can personally attest to that.
 
I'm really enjoying reading this thread. It is good that we, as women, open up and talk about matters of the heart. You can't just talk to everyone about pm issues.

Lissa, the other pm sites that you go too are they Christian? How do you handle some of the comments that aren't exactly the way you believe? What other kinds of poly families are out there?

Michelle
 
SeekingGrace said:
[quote="Isabella"


I couldn't imagine joining a family that is not all on the same page about having their family grow with another wife. What is missing in a man's life that he HAS to find someone else? THAT problem should be fixed before finding someone to add to the family. I have to say that if there is a woman and her children, for example, in need, that is one thing, but for a man to be on the prowl just because he CAN when the first wife is in despair and woe??? What treachery to the wife of his youth! Love, care, concern, prayer, and maybe a little courting can draw a wayward wife back into her husband's arms (and into submission to his desire for another wife) a lot faster than anything. I can personally attest to that.
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Yep. I agree. I'd run fast and far from any man wanting to add someone just because he could and if his wife's heart and life is being destroyed in the process. How would the additional person ever think a situation like that would be a good thing?
 
Lutherangirl-
I mostly read other sites. I do most of my contributions here because this has been my home since the beginning.

Isabella,
I apologise for putting words into your mouth. I felt attacked by both of you and I am sorry for that. I was being overly sensative.

Donnag,
I was overly sensative and felt like you were criticizing me. I apologize.

I have bad days too.

Lissa
 
No worries Lissa, I hope you have recovered from your bad day.

xx
 
Regarding my last post,I feel that I should mention that while I feel it is reasonable for husband to give his first wife some time (maybe a few months up to one year) to get her head right regarding PM, women that hold their men back for YEARS should be ashamed of themselves.
 
SeekingGrace said:
Regarding my last post,I feel that I should mention that while I feel it is reasonable for husband to give his first wife some time (maybe a few months up to one year) to get her head right regarding PM, women that hold their men back for YEARS should be ashamed of themselves.
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AMEN!!!
This has been my point from the beginning.
A good husband WILL give his wife a fair amount of time to adjust....but that's different than allowing her to control or stop it altogether.
Blessings,
Fairlight
 
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