Dynamics of things

[ChoosingGod]

Blessings on us all from the Lord of Hosts,

I have (I guess) simple questions for "veterans" or experimented people in PM.
Thank you in advance for your answers.

1- How do we, as men, reconcile time with our wives? Must we plan ahead moments of personal time / intimacy?
The question is valid on the viewpoint for women as well as it is for men.
When meditating about this issue of "time sharing" between my wives, this came to my mind: Leviticus 15 and impurity of the woman in her cycle.
At this time, I think that each woman must have her room and bed and me too. But the house is not designed that way, and thus it is diffcult. I built a room for the new wife, and s she has her own place, but it was my habit that I sleep in "my" bed with my 20 years wife. Now this seems to call for a change in the dynamics.
I was in a MM for 20 years and PM now rise up those kind of questions. Any advice? Must I go with the flow and need of the moment of each one, or plan something more "impartial" and go with it?

2- Eventually, will it be normal to show affection to one wife in the presence of another without causing emotions in the other one?
For now, it seems that I must be very careful when showing attention to a wife (ex.: holding her hand) in the presence and view of the other one.
Is it because they are still emotions of jealousy?

3- I have told my two daughters (13 and 15 years old) about what was happening, they accepted it quite well, they love the new wife, but they are not yet accustomed seeing me giving attention to a woman other than their mother. Not that I fear anything, but is there caveates to be careful about in this situation? Is there any family here with a situation similar to what us?

4- On the issue of time sharing. Do you have any advice? What are the dynamics of that in PM? Any counsel will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

 

[MeganC]

In my family we tried the schedule thing but that failed because Steve started being away for work so often. It also failed because Steve didn't give a hoot about it.

Among us ladies what we collectively decided to accept was that it was up to Steve who he wanted to be with and we just went with it.

Reality is that when one or more of us was pregnant he would spend more time with the lady(ies) who were not. Which makes sense. Or he'd just be in a mood for one of us in particular and we just accepted it.

Not like we had much say in the matter but at least all of us agreeing to accept it settled some hurt feelings.

 

[Joleneakamama]

I always hated the thought of a schedule!

I never had a problem with him showing affection. Holding hands, hugs, kisses, are expected! ....and honestly it would be weird if they didn't want to touch and be close. It has always made me smile to see people show affection....and for me it's an upside of him loving another.
It can get difficult making time alone, especially when you share a room. Just having a large family will do that.

Shortly after my sisterwife moved in I started spending nights on my regular week off with my daughters. They loved the slumber party with mom, and it gave my sweet sisterwife some one on one time with her husband. I know she enjoyed that....and I still enjoy the times I get his undivided attention. Here is is not about jealousy, as much as it is his preference. He likes one on one time, maybe because that was all we knew for 25 years. ...but just as with conversation, another someone changes the dynamic. Maybe we lack imagination, but we never could come up with anything someone else could do that would make intimate moments better......except keep the kids busy!! Lol

My husband has thought about his own room....but I like the way it is and kind of hope that other room is used for sneaking off....not sleeping.

It is important to make time for your first wife. She will be dealing with lots of changes, any insecurity she has can get the better of her easily, and knowing you still love her and like spending time with her will go a long ways. I always enjoyed hubby taking us both for walks. ...but if she has not accepted your new wife, or has resentments, she may not enjoy sharing time together.
I was very positive about this possibility. I very much appreciate this brave wonderful girl I get to do life with.

I hope you all grow together with time.

 

[NickF]

I'm not a veteran, however I am proficient at collecting information and parsing it out into future extrapolated data. That's what I do professionally. I've spoken to numerous men and women living a polygynous lifestyle and because I think it is likely to be a future for me personally, it's very relevant information. With that said I'll explain what I've learned and the consensus of those I've spoken to.

It will be different with every family. You will need to be candid and have clear lines of communication with your wives. A weekly or daily sit down meeting is a good idea, foster an environment of free communication where issues can be aired and dealt with so they don't fester and boil under the surface. A woman feeling slighted for weeks can develop into a root of bitterness and jealousy that rips a family apart. When all it needed was addressing early on with an afternoon walk, some hugs and tenderness months prior. Clearly communicating that "I will get things wrong, and we will have to try something else until we get a good system figured out, but we must WORK TOGETHER!" If we are honest with each other, and have the best at heart for each other, and trust that the other person has good will, we can assume good of the person. If we all commit to assuming the best and communicating when there's a problem, we can work through it. Also, firmly establishing that "fairness" is not ever fair. Everyone goes through things at different rates and with different emotional hiccoughs. One wife might need more quality time than another, or physical touch, words of affirmation etc... So nobody gets the "same". Justice is the order of the day, and as the head of the family, you will determine the justice and strive towards edification and love of all your wives and children.

1- How do we, as men, reconcile time with our wives? Must we plan ahead moments of personal time / intimacy?

You must do so with wisdom, grace, tenderness, kindness and understanding. It's going to require a lot out of you and I hope you're up to the job because most men aren't. You have full on grown women with adult needs who both need you at different amounts every day. They have different personalities and differing needs. You have the authority to tell the second that you will be sleeping in the bed of your first wife every night. How is that going to make her feel? How much of that devaluing (in her mind) is she able to handle before you lose the relationship? You may have the authority to make that decision, but I think it would prove to be foolish. But here's the thing, I don't know you, or your wives. Some women might actually like that arrangement. You need to talk to them and try some different things. Be flexible and agile. Keep communicating and asking for feedback. Try changing the seasoning recipe up until you find a happy medium for all involved.

2- Eventually, will it be normal to show affection to one wife in the presence of another without causing emotions in the other one?
For now, it seems that I must be very careful when showing attention to a wife (ex.: holding her hand) in the presence and view of the other one.
Is it because they are still emotions of jealousy?

Emotions of envy and perhaps false jealousy yes. And yes with time those emotions will fade, it will be more normal and the fear will subside. Women are hardwired to be very sensitive to the loss of security and safety. Losing your man's affection and attention to someone else is death. It's terribly emotionally conflicting for a woman to see her husband attracted to someone else, let alone give affection to the other woman. Glory in BOTH of them at the same time, in front of each other. Extol their virtues in front of each other. And behind closed doors praise your wife to her face and don't bring the other into the conversation. Let each of them receive praise publicly and in private. This builds their trust that you have not abandoned them, you still love and admire her, and still want her. Your first will especially struggle with this emotion. You will need to build and build that trust. Because that trust and foundation, that security is EXACTLY what the enemy will attack first. She will hear lies that she isn't good enough, that you hate her, and that God hates her/women for allowing something so hateful. Friends and family will say the same lies believing them to be good truths in an effort to protect her. They aren't the enemy, the lie and the father of lies are the enemy. You have to be able to confront those lies, embrace the one trying to protect her and love them for loving your wife.

But yes, the fear will fade with time, and the envy will be replaced with security IF you do a good job balancing things, and communicating love and security to each woman.

3- I have told my two daughters (13 and 15 years old) about what was happening, they accepted it quite well, they love the new wife, but they are not yet accustomed seeing me giving attention to a woman other than their mother.

They will also have fear of abandonment and will fight feelings of injustice and what will seem like hate from you towards your first wife because "it's not loving, so it's hate". Not saying they feel this way, but that is the lie that will be whispered. They need to see you love on your first wife and praise her in front of them. They need to see you looking adoringly at your first wife. Gross them out with your desire towards your first. And give them extra time and attention as well. They also need to feel secure in your love towards them as well as towards their mother.

4- On the issue of time sharing. Do you have any advice? What are the dynamics of that in PM? Any counsel will be greatly appreciated.

*edited to add* Most of my friends and acquaintances who have been successful for 20+ years of that kind of marriage do settle into some sort of schedule. Some however have one bed and share that single room. But most of those successful poly marriages seem to point to the husband rotating through each bedroom on some kind of a schedule.

Be just. Not fair. Just like with children, those daughters of yours have differing needs throughout the month in regards to time, affection, words, gifts etc. Nobody gets the same because everyone has different needs. If I have two dogs, one a 120 lb Anatolian Shepherd, and the other a 12 lb rat terrier, they receive different levels of correction, and different amounts of treats. One of those dogs gets to sit on my lap, the other gets big fun rough scratches and wrestling. Equality of treats would be injustice on treats per pound of bodyweight. Some women need lots of quality time and words of affirmation but not so with physical touch and quality time. With the one, you might need to walk with her for a half hour every day and talk about her day, hopes, dreams, problems, and tell her how pleased you are with her progress, how she did something so well, and how proud you are that she's yours. The other might need more time cuddling on the couch, playing with her hair and caressing her face. To be just and meet the needs, there will be an obvious disparity of the amount of time cuddling on the couch. Communicate clearly, and be just. But above all, be understanding, gentle and wise. Exhort each wife to do her best to be loving and gracious towards the other.

 

[MeganC]

Nobody gets the same because everyone has different needs.

Including the husband. Let's not forget about him here!

 

[julieb]

2- Eventually, will it be normal to show affection to one wife in the presence of another without causing emotions in the other one?
For now, it seems that I must be very careful when showing attention to a wife (ex.: holding her hand) in the presence and view of the other one.
Is it because they are still emotions of jealousy?

It is a natural thing to want to "hide or minimize" affection to the second wife from the first wife but don't do it too much or for too long. It is something that the first wife needs to get used to and she won't be able to do that if it rarely happens. It should also come with open affection to her so the second wife can also be used to it. Hopefully they both will appreciate it like @Joleneakamama does in the future!

 

[steve]

There is a balance when it comes to displaying affection, but not being able to display any more affection in the living room than you do in Walmart isn’t it.
If the same love that you would show an infant isn’t allowed, that’s some real bad control vibes.

 

[Joleneakamama]

There is a balance when it comes to displaying affection, but not being able to display any more affection in the living room than you do in Walmart isn’t it.
If the same love that you would show an infant isn’t allowed, that’s some real bad control vibes.

Except I honestly think that anything that was ok in the living room with the first wife should be OK with the second.
If the man has a double standard to any degree he is certainly giving his first wife the impression that the second is lessor.
Just my two cents worth.

 

[ChoosingGod]

Thank you all for your replies, comments and encouragements.

This is all valuable information.

We talked about it all together and came to an agreement. We will try it and keep communicating trough it all.

I will keep coming here to read your answers.