First vs Second wife? Responsibilities?

[maribel]

I was hoping someone could help me to understand if there is a difference between being 1st wife vs 2nd wife... in terms of responsibilities or anything else? or are all wives the same? I saw a thread about 1st vs 2nd but it was more about what happens when you come into an established marriage.

We will be adding my sister to our marriage soon but I am younger than she is. Is there any difference as to who is the 1st or 2nd wife or is that just used to mean who married our husband first?

Thanks

Maribel

 

[Tlaloc]

The first wife is always responsible to have been married to the husband for a longer period of time, the second is responsible to be married for an indeterminately shorter period of time, but always a longer period of time than the third, if applicable.

 

[sweetlissa]

The cool thing about starting something new is that we get to create our own rules as long as they honor God. In our family T is legal wife. I had a commitment ceremony. We have come to an agreement as to each of our talents and interests. We all have ministerial duties. T prefers to be homemaker and take care of the home. I work and go to school towards a better career. Hubby works and is the head of our group. Over time we have found that I am best with money so hubby delgated that task to me. I am also the handy one. Things wiil no doubt change as we learn and grow. It is an adventure.

SweetLissa

 

[The Duke Of Marshall]

Maribel,
Personally I am a scriptural guy and I really can not see as through the scriptures that any one wife is above and beyond another wife. I see it as "each to his own" so to speak. Capitalize on each of your strengths and you will become a team. Keep in mind that I am not married to even one wife, but the leadership that I learned through the Marine corps has taught me that wise delegation from the leader is very important and makes for a smooth and efficient machine. Each of you should do what you do best.

First wife, second wife, third wife, etc only denotes marriage order and does not determine any kind of heirarchy or age description.

 

[steve]

i only have one wife so my answer is also theory at this point, however i totally plan on operating according to this theory as more family are added;

my present wife will have to mess up pretty badly in order to lose her position as first wife in the heirarchy. it is a position of honour AND responsibility. i am honouring that fact that she chose to share, that she was the one that went through the process with me in deciding Gods plan for marriage. she has walked with me in sickness and in health, rich and poor. we are becoming one in ways that other women could only dream about. we have gone through much "washing with the water of the word" and she is head and shoulders above any other women that i know.

to bring in another and make her an equal would be worse than silly and very destructive to the fam.

i suppose that it is possible to bring in a sister wife under some kind of unforseen conditions who would become the leader, but in my house those conditions would have to have been disastrous. my wife has earned the position of elder wife in ways that subsequent wives will never have to experience

 

[The Duke Of Marshall]

to bring in another and make her an equal would be worse than silly and very destructive to the fam.

Steve,
I understand that with each family there are special and sometimes extenuating circumstances and everyone has had different experiences, but just had two quick questions.

1) How would creating a hierarchy among your wives keep you solidified as the single head of the family and keep your wives as being treated equally?

Exo 21:10 “If he takes another wife, her food, her covering, and her marriage rights are not to be diminished.

2) What would attract a woman to join a family where she would potentially be a lesser wife or second class wife?

I am not trying to be rude or anything. I am just trying to understand more. This is the first time I have heard of someone going with a hierarchy of wives in the real world. The only other place I have seen it is of course "Big Love". Thanks in advance.

 

[Melanie]

she is head and shoulders above any other women that i know.

to bring in another and make her an equal would be worse than silly and very destructive to the fam.

I'm wondering why you are interested in an additional wife at all.
You seem quite happy with what you have and it seems that you don't feel you could love, like or respect another woman as much as you do your existing wife. Do you feel a religious calling or that polygamy is a duty you must carry out even if you are not particularly interested in being married to another woman? Have you considered that this attitude might cause hurt to a woman considering marriage with you?

Like the poster above I'm trying not to be rude but your post is so explicit i just had to ask.

 

[steve]

duke
take one of your marines who has been in for 4 yrs and put him with a new recruit. the person with the most knowledge and understanding will be the leader.

every household has a multitude of unwritten "rules" ,responses to circumstances and protocal worked out over the years as the pair work toward becoming "one flesh". the new wife will know none of this and her teacher would in most cases be the first wife.

heirarchy has nothing to do with who gets more food, clothing, or marriage rights. the instructions in exodus clearly indicate that the original wife not be reduced in those things as he focuses on the new addition. the fact that God had to mention it is a shame to our gender

what would attract a woman to such a relationship? well, what would attract me to a "church" in which i was not an elder? i think that the paralell is evident. we go because of what it has to offer us, not because of the position which it gives us

i have long said that it is better to be second or third wife to a good proven man, than to be first wife to a unproven marginal or inferior man. reputation is everything, guys

 

[Mark C]

Steve --

Likewise, please do not interpret my comment here as anything other than supportive, and perhaps as a "word of warning" from one who HAS been there.

If there is a primary issue that any 'second wife' will have to deal with, it is that name itself. I don't obsess over misleading concepts like "equal", because that silly notion denies individuality. After all, one of the wonderful blessings of God-blessed patriarchal marriage is that different talents and characteristics strengthen a house.

It will be up to you to do the near-impossible:
reaffirm for your initial helpmeet that she is desirable and loved, and that adding another marriage is not at all about a LACK, but about abundance and sharing --
while covering a new helpmeet who may be tempted to see existing friends, relatives, business associates, and even contracts as something to which she is an "outsider".

It is up to you to ensure that she is not "second class". It is not an easy task.

May God bless you and your house, now and in the future,

Mark

 

[The Duke Of Marshall]

duke
take one of your marines who has been in for 4 yrs and put him with a new recruit. the person with the most knowledge and understanding will be the leader.

That would somewhat be true although I have seen many circumstances where the Marine with less "time" is more knowledgable and understanding than the Marine with more "time". In Iraq I came across many Seargents and Staff Seargents where I as a Lance Corporal had more knowledge and understanding than they had. Their promotion was undeniably due to race/gender. Not skill. Pure politics. Also, there were a couple of Lieutenants that would have gotten several of us killed if it had not have been for the intervention of us "lower-grades". Hierarchy is not always as good as each to his strengths.

the fact that God had to mention it is a shame to our gender

ha ha! That is hilarious only because it is so true. Myself included.

what would attract a woman to such a relationship? well, what would attract me to a "church" in which i was not an elder? i think that the paralell is evident. we go because of what it has to offer us, not because of the position which it gives us

One big difference here is that you do not have to know everything about the church before going into it and if you disagree to a certain level or realize that you are not being offered anything then there is no prohibition against leaving that particular church. Whereas marriage is for life. What benefits in this certain situation do you think there would be for a potential second wife in order to entice her to join your family?

 

[The Duke Of Marshall]

I don't obsess over misleading concepts like "equal", because that silly notion denies individuality.

I wish Lissa would chime in right here. She explained the difference between "equally" and "identically" in a terrific way the very first retreat we had. I will see if I can get her to post something.

 

[steve]

mel;
relationships grow and deepen with time. if anyone thinks that they can have as deep a love with a brand new person as with the one they have built with over the years, then that love would need to be very shallow. if the love is romance-based then the male could actually love the new wife more than his first wife.

respect is both given and earned and the earned variety is so much more beautiful and reliable.

i have told my wife many times that i fully expect to reach a level of oneness, love and respect with other wives as i have with her, but by that time her relationship with me will have grown even deeper

if a possible wife looks at that as "i could never catch up" then i would say that the focus is the problem. if they focus on the idea that they will be loved and respected more deeply than any other women that they know (other than Ali) then i think that it would be something very positive.

 

[steve]

Steve --

It will be up to you to do the near-impossible:
reaffirm for your initial helpmeet that she is desirable and loved, and that adding another marriage is not at all about a LACK, but about abundance and sharing --
while covering a new helpmeet who may be tempted to see existing friends, relatives, business associates, and even contracts as something to which she is an "outsider".

It is up to you to ensure that she is not "second class". It is not an easy task.Mark

now that is a mouthful and a true word

 

[steve]

[That would somewhat be true although I have seen many circumstances where the Marine with less "time" is more knowledgable and understanding than the Marine with more "time". us, not because of the position which it gives us...

i think that i made it very clear that the extraordinary love and respect that i have for my wife was earned (altho the initial promotion from friend to wife had a lot to do with gender, no other gender need apply )

hopefully i answered your last question in my previous post

 

[jwh]

steve, well said a few posts up

i tried to respond yesterday but lost it

i compare it to service to the lord

my pastor has served his faithfully all his life, we just talked the other day, his sins were all in the heart, never got off in the world doing ungodly things, but sin none the less, & always faithful to God..

me on the other hand, i have plenty of sin experience & am basically new in the Lord

if He needs a job done, & wants a young reckless guy that dont mind taking a chance, dont care if he walks in the devils den cause he still knows most of them by name, He might call on me

if he needs a real prayer warrior, someone who has proved faithful several times, he might call on the pastor

so that said, im not saying God loves either of us more, but one of us has been with him much longer

 

[sweetlissa]

First Wife/Second Wife...

I love what Steve wrote about his first wife. It shows what marriage is about. Two truly becoming one. The rest of the story is that it happens with each wife in a different way. T will never have the relationship with hubby that I have and I will never have the relationship that they have. It isn't possible or desireable. If we were striving to have identical relationships then what would be the point?

As far as Steve goes, he is content with what God has given him. Melanie asks why he would consider an additional wife, but in previous posts she has said that any man who believes in the whole word of God has no choice but to be plural. He and his wife are open and actively seeking their additional wife. The part that is missing is that just like when you meet/marry a first wife, the relationship grows over time. Hubby and I are much closer now than we were when we first started. But his relationship with T didn't stop just because ours started. So they have 35 years together and will continue to grow together. We have 2 years together (give or take) and we will continue to grow together. So today, I am closer to hubby than I was at the beginning but next year I will be even closer. In a good relationship that will be true for T and hubby as well. And a loving sister/wife will want that for her sister.

Todd asked me to chime in on equal v fair. Here goes...

T and I are not the same people. Neither of us likes to be compared to each other. We want hubby to know us, and take care of us, not necessarily give us identical gifts. One of our biggest issues is that T hates to feel left out of anything. So if we do something she doesn't want to do we still need to care enough about her to invite her. She may say yes she wants to go, but bring a book to read while we do the activity. She may do it anyway. Or she may choose to stay home. But we invited and that is what matters.

Over Valentine's Day, hubby gave us each a gift. He probably spent about equal amounts, but we don't know or care. He gave T something that she loves. He gave me something that I love. They are not the same, but they both reflect our personalities and let us know that he knows our wants and desires. That is important. No just because T got that thing, doesn't mean I have to have it. It means that T got something that is special. What is special for her isn't necessarily special for me. But any gift is special.

When we go somewhere without T, she likes us to remember her with little gifts or "surprises". This can be something tiny or extravagant, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we thought of her and cared for her. Likewise when they go away without me, I like to be remembered by being included through the phone. I like to be included in the fun to an extent. To me that shows that they are thinking of me.

Truly, when it all comes down to it, it is about the quality of relationship. If we are all working daily to improve our relationships with each other and with God, we cannot fail. Everyday we wake up with the desire to care more for our family than we do for ourselves. After that, nothing else matters. God is in the details. As long as we love him and obey him he will take care of those little things that bother us.

Right T?

SweetLissa

 

[steve]

jwh, yup, you got it

lissa, you splain it so much better than i

 

[Melanie]

First Wife/Second Wife...

As far as Steve goes, he is content with what God has given him. Melanie asks why he would consider an additional wife, but in previous posts she has said that any man who believes in the whole word of God has no choice but to be plural. He and his wife are open and actively seeking their additional wife.

What!?
I have never said any such thing! It most definitely is NOT my opinion at all.

On the contrary I think any man who has a heart truly not into polygamy should run very fast and far from the idea because he would be doing more harm than good.

I certainly do not believe in relationships being the same or equal. Only that the level of emotional investment and genuine feelings be comparable. Relationship styles are all as different as the individuals within them. We all have different needs... actually Lissa i agree with your thoughts on those points. As much as that may surprise you... :lol:

 

[kmeltonlnc]

lissa,
that is probably one of the most beautiful things i ever read! thanks!

 

[sweetlissa]

While i don't believe that a man must be polygamous i would certainly want to examine the motivations behind a man who felt himself to be monogamous and who was not willing to consider a polygamous lifestyle. It would be a deal breaker, for me, if a man was unable to admit that polygamy was a valid...by Melanie

Melanie,
In the above post you stated that you would wonder about the motives of any man who believed in Polygamy but still decided to remain married to only one. This is where I got the idea that you felt it was pretty mandatory. I am sorry if I misinterpreted this quote.

SweetLIssa