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First vs Second wife? Responsibilities?

Melanie said:
Only that the level of emotional investment and genuine feelings be comparable. Relationship styles are all as different as the individuals within them. We all have different needs...

you are definitely right about the differing relational styles and needs, but i suspect that the reality is that in working with those differing needs would require differing levels of emotional investment. as far as genuine feelings.......shucks, i'm a guy, what the fat would i know? :shock:
 
sweetlissa said:
While i don't believe that a man must be polygamous i would certainly want to examine the motivations behind a man who felt himself to be monogamous and who was not willing to consider a polygamous lifestyle. It would be a deal breaker, for me, if a man was unable to admit that polygamy was a valid...by Melanie

Melanie,
In the above post you stated that you would wonder about the motives of any man who believed in Polygamy but still decided to remain married to only one. This is where I got the idea that you felt it was pretty mandatory. I am sorry if I misinterpreted this quote.

SweetLIssa

Key word being "consider"... I was talking of my own personal preferences. Any guy that was so "under the thumb" as to be unable to consider having more than one wife (because he thinks his first darling completes him or some other overly sappy romantic junk) is probably not the dominant, patriarchal hunk I'm looking for. Consider also doesn't mean he must, it just means knowing that it's valid and that he is free to pursue it if the right opportunity arises.

Steve, marriage is supposed to be for life, it deserves an investment and commitment... you should be sure that you can really love another woman before you marry her. I don't understand why you would find that idea so shocking... or am i misunderstanding your post?
 
mel;

i have been trying to figure out from what framework your questions have been coming from. i am sorry, but i really was not able to figure them out.
this morning i suddenly realized that my post may have looked like it was written by a man who worshiped his wife or at least had idolatry toward her.
to me, the proof that i could love more wives is that i love my present one so much, but it seemed that the more i honour my wife the less room you see for other wives. i can see that it is true that if i idolized her in any way it would not be healthy to introduce another wife into the mix. you would be right, there would not be an ability on my part to be at all fair to her.

the shocked face on the other post was an attempt at humour over my statement about being a guy and not understanding emotions. you do get your exercise jumping to conclusions, don't you? don't worry, i am an expert in it also having gotten lots of practice at it.

now i need to go and contact someone to sedate my wife befor she reads this post as i cannot afford for her to rupture anything when she breaks out in hysterical laughter over the possibility that i idolize her. ;)
 
Again...yet another misunderstanding.

I do not believe you idolize your wife. I am not stating that here in this thread. My comments above are in clarification to another post someone has completely misquoted and dragged out of context... Not the first time it has happened either.

I simply have the impression that you are perhaps set in your ways, you and your wife have your routines and a way of doing things that you might expect a second wife to learn from your first wife and adhere to. (Since you expect #2 to follow the lead of #1) From your comments it seems like you would expect second to adapt to your current marriage rather than change and all three of you meld together. Your second may have some great ideas and ways of doing things but you might not be willing to consider them because you seem to be staunchly of the mind that your #1's accomplishments couldn't be matched or even improved upon (in any aspect)
 
yup, just call me stodgy-steve

hey girl, we are both obvious know-it-alls. can we plan on disagreeing on this forum and fighting like cats and dogs?

please?

pretty please with sugar on it????????????
 
Maribel wrote:
I was hoping someone could help me to understand if there is a difference between being 1st wife vs 2nd wife... in terms of responsibilities or anything else? or are all wives the same? I saw a thread about 1st vs 2nd but it was more about what happens when you come into an established marriage.

We will be adding my sister to our marriage soon but I am younger than she is. Is there any difference as to who is the 1st or 2nd wife or is that just used to mean who married our husband first?

Thanks

Maribel


Maribel,
I think it is great that you and your husband wish to bring your sister into your family in this way. It shows great love toward your sister and I do wish y'all all the best. The first few replies really supplied you with some great answers. Not living poly as of yet but am working on it, here is my take on your questions and concerns. 1st wife, 2nd wife are just titles that are used to state which wife was married to the husband first and does not regulate the wives in a pecking order, if you will. You stating that your sister is older, then she will have had some experiences that you may not have had and would be a good source to go to for advice. Once y'all all join together as a family, take the strong points that your sister has and put her over those areas and like wise with you. Share with each other those tasks that you both are weak in. For Chaplains Rose and myself, once our future sisterwife joins, we will be a split family for some time due to family reasons, but hope later on to live under one roof. Again, my best to y'all and may our Lord God bless the union between your husband and your sister as well as your combined family.
 
being that i am in the middle of incorporating another person into the household, i find this thread interesting.
 
It has now been 3 years that we have been a part of the Bib Fam board, and I do look back with fondness on this thread from our first few weeks as members for so many reasons. The first is that it shows me once again that I am blessed to be married to the man that I am. I have never met anyone who wants God the way that he does, and is continually under the "surgical knife" of the Holy Spirit to become all that he needs to be to be the leader of our home that he already is and is also becoming. The second is that the sentimental journey chronicled here as we have gone from long time plural marriage theorists to preparing to add a new wife to our family this summer. I look back on these early posts with amusement, especially considering the warp speed at which we have had to grow over the last few months since Datzy came into our lives. It has been boot camp for all of us, and I am glad we are getting through it.

The third is that I am reminded again of my huge responsibility to be an excellent example as a woman of God, irrespective of whatever label I have in the "lineup" as a wife. I have a responsibility to be a help that is meet or suitable for my husband, whether or not he has more wives. I have a responsibility to treat my sister-wife-to be so well that she is able to utter my favorite words, i.e. "I am so happy here." Now that I am transitioning from theorist to practitioner, I am realizing that in so many ways my journey toward the "deeper life" has really only begun.

As I consider my soon to be former life as a mono wife, I see how there have been so many internal places over the course of my life wherein selfishness has seeped, all of it encouraged by our "me" culture, and even through the idolatry that is woven into most Christian marriage books and seminars. But, I also am aware of His grace and the fact that it means a great deal to our Father that we would be willing to stare down a thousand years of man's tradition and say, "Sola scriptura, sola Spiritus!"
 
Great post, Ali.

Datzy? Love it! Trying to reconcile it with my image of the lady involved and it does NOT compute, but sounds fun anyway. :D
 
Oh, btw, Datz, Dats, Dats,y and Datzy are all variations on the theme of my special nickname for Deborah.... :)
 
Okay...its time for my two cents...and more will follow, but for now, here are the definitions of Ali's last post...

dats=Deborah Ann Turner Sisterwife
datsy=Deborah Ann Turner Sisterwife, Yo!
datzy=Deborah & Ali Turner Zisterwifes :shock: Yo!
datz=Deborah Ann Turner Zisterwife :shock:

The "Z" is when we get the shocks and have our zany, goofy, hilarious adventures together!

Love Ya all,
Datz
 
Love it even MORE! That computes!
 
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