Handling the What Ifs

[Bina]

This is gold as julieb said. So much that I want to write everything that you said in my journal. I am so happy that you took the time to write this and share it with us. For years, husband and I had this high expectations and prayed that it would happen and now that my best friend and sister wife came on board, the “what if’s” just don’t stop with me. I became angry with him one day when we were snuggling all together and he couldn’t stop kissing her. Man, I really lost it. I told him that there will be no favoritism. He pulled me in the room and we had a discussion that if this was going to work, it had better be fair. I also told him that if he were to do the same to her, it would hurt her feelings. He finally realized how hurt I was and what he was doing and that was making me feel like a third wheel. It was not the first time either but after the second time, he knew that I was pretty upset. He told me that he was learning and he apologized for it. Men really need to think and decide that getting a sister wife is what they really want to do because it does take huge responsibilities on their part and to take into effect both wives. I have a wonderful man and he is now very attentive to both our feelings and concerns. And if I have any concerns, I am able to go to him and we work it out. If you read my last post, you would see that this has been very emotional for me through all this but a good man and husband, with the help from the Lord will smooth out those wrinkles.

In certain circumstances, it may be wise for the head of the household to refrain from intimate contact out of the bedroom.

 

[Happyhen]

Early on in my polygyny journey, I often became overwhelmed with the What Ifs. My mind was occupied with all the horrible things that might happen, often leading to near-panic attacks. I was able to conquer that spiral of hell. Looking back, there were a few stages in that battle.

When I first decided, "No more, Lord, please," I fought those What Ifs with the Truth - the basic Truth that had kept me afloat in the very first days of my husband introducing me to poly. The three-pronged Truth I clung to repeated over and over any time my toe felt the earth crumble beneath me.

1. God loves me and I love Him.
2. My husband loves me and I love him.
3. God is always good.

I felt uncertain about much more than those few things, so I clung to what I did know. These three were demonstrable. I had personal, undeniable proof of all three.

When the What Ifs threatened to shatter my foothold on peace, I would repeat them. I did only that until I could walk right past that mental dark hole of What If Doom with a yawn.

At that point, I started to test myself and these pesky What Ifs. It felt a bit like playing with fire or inching ever closer to a bottomless pit to see how close I could get and how far I could peer in without tumbling down. I always remembered the Truth, in case I stepped too close.

This testing was flipping the coin. What if this horrible, terrible, awful thing happens? OK, but what if the opposite, totally wonderful, amazing, and unimaginably pleasant thing happens instead? I saw the Worst Case Scenario my mind wanted me to see... and raised it a Best Case Scenario.

What if this rainbow baby also dies in my womb? OK, but what if he doesn't and is the most robust and healthy child in the family?

What if my husband dies on his way to work tomorrow? OK, but what if he doesn't and you grow old and feeble and die together surrounded by almost incalculable blessing?

What if my husband enjoys my sisterwife's company, her laugh, her body, her personality more than mine and never wants to be around me anymore? OK, but what if he enjoys and appreciates each of your strengths to the absolute maximum while also helping you both to overcome each of your weaknesses and you get to see him filled to the brim with joy and thanksgiving to the Lord for decades to come?

If the Worst Case Scenario is possible, then the Best Case Scenario is also possible. It turns out, the devil doesn't much like me pondering all the wonderful possibilities that could result from joyful obedience to the Lord.

For a long while now, I've been testing my faith in a new way with this little mind game I've got going. The What Ifs lead into a deep, dark hole, but I've found that hole has stairs, too. I don't have to fall and flail, terrified, until I hit the bottom. I can creep down along the winding staircase, asking, probing, cautiously.

In this case, it is testing... what if the What If happens? What if the Worst Case Scenario does happen? We live in a fallen world. I am imperfect and make mistakes. My husband, to whom I submit my whole life, is imperfect and makes mistakes. Any potential future wives are imperfect and make mistakes.

So, What If? What if my husband does die on that next plane ride? What if one of my beloved children dies? What if my husband does enjoy another wife more than me, neglects me, ignores me?

What if? Well,

1. God loves me and I love Him.
3. God is always good.

Is that enough? Is God enough for me? If He allows that every source of happiness in my life is taken, will I still praise Him? Will I still obey Him with that as a possibility?

With His grace and mercy, I pray that I would. Mentally standing at the bottom of the pit of woe and despair, there is nothing left besides God. What would I do if those things happened? Obey God. I don't exactly know what obedience would look like in every situation, but I don't need to know now. His grace is sufficient for the day. His strength would be my strength and would uphold me and equip me to obey.

Now, I can climb in and out of that mental pit without losing my footing and grip on what's Real. The What If fears don't plague me. I am still watchful - I don't want to get lazy or prideful and think I can no longer be tempted by them. And I have other fears and worries to conquer. But the What Ifs don't nag at me like they did before.

This is full of amazing truths!! Thank you