• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

Hello single woman here

Welcome woman. Keep reading and you should have a pretty good idea of what you really want to do. You will find no encouraging from me to be poly. It's a tuff road.
But on the other hand if you find the determination to do so the rewards can be very gratifying.
Cheers to your soul searching.
 
UntoldGlory said:
In reality though there are some big fundamental differences, challenges, and rewards
Click to expand...
That's kind of what I meant by "inward acceptance of different roles" and "greater fulfilment", so yeah.

I emphasized a (limited) similarity to monogamy merely because OP referred to polygyny as a form of marriage, and I like to say it isn't a different form. It's not "group" marriage. A lot of people get stuck on that idea.

But yes, the other, more serious error people make (the flip side of the coin, if you will) is in imagining that how they will operate within a polygamous situation is simply the same as in monogamy but with more people. 'Tain't so.
 
because OP referred to polygyny as a form of marriage, and I like to say it isn't a different form. It's not "group" marriage. A lot of people get stuck on that idea.
Click to expand...

Thanks for this post, now i now what it looked like what i was saying. I definitely do not see PM like group marriage. It seems like there are many who think about pm like group marriage. Or maybe it seems that way just because of their choice of words. I think marriage is still a marriage between one man and one woman. But men can also have another equal marriage at the same time with another woman and that marriage is also between one man and one woman.

When searching about this topic i saw people writing things like: "my husband and i are courting this woman.." or "letting another woman in my marriage." This seems like they are talking about group marriage, but i think it is just their choice of words more than it reflecting the way they think of pm.

Hopefully it is clearer now, sometimes i find it difficult explaning my thoughts in English. But if something is not clear just ask.
 
woman said:
When searching about this topic i saw people writing things like: "my husband and i are courting this woman.." or "letting another woman in my marriage." This seems like they are talking about group marriage, but i think it is just their choice of words more than it reflecting the way they think of pm.
Click to expand...
Great observation. Don't know if you've seen much of that around here, or if it's mostly other websites or groups, but definitely an area in which we should be careful how we say things.
 
andrew said:
Great observation. Don't know if you've seen much of that around here, or if it's mostly other websites or groups, but definitely an area in which we should be careful how we say things.
Click to expand...

I saw it here too, i think it is inevitable. I think it is clear what they mean though from reading the context.
 
It's sometimes just sloppy wording, but note that you'll mainly see that sort of phrasing from women, not men. I think it may portray the thinking of a woman who has accepted polygyny is ok, even good for their family, but is still struggling to fully realise how this works, struggling to realise that it's her husband's business and struggling to trust him with it. Someone who is saying that is on the journey, but not quite at the destination they should reach prior to their husband taking a second wife, they've got more learning to go.

It all takes time, and men need to recognise this, to recognise that their wife might be accepting but actually has more growing to do, so that even though she's saying "go ahead", they should actually wait a bit longer rather than jumping in. Even though it seems the way is clear to proceed, it may still be too early.
 
True, mostly women. It is understandable that first wifes struggle with the whole concept. Not only do they have to see their husband with another woman, they also experience a kind of loss, they loose the life they thought they were going to have. There is some kind of mourning that should not be underestimated. I realise that in the OT times people knew their husband marrying more wifes was a possibility, they knew far before they even married. But most people today start a marriage without thinking about the possibility of pm. So i totally understand that it is hard when the "rules" of your marriage are suddenly changing. It is only natural, i think, if wifes are still thinking in ways mentioned above (if it is more than just sloppy wording). The idea that wife+hubby are one flesh, yes, that is correct, but that concept can not be extended to his (possible) new marriage. It is a process of learning to see the difference.

However, i think the role the husband plays in this is vital. If he takes an attitude of just saying: "wohooo i can get an extra woman!!! Yeah!!" .... That won't work very well to help his wife. ;) or his future new wife(s). Or his (new) family in its totality. It is not so much about what he can "get" but what he can give. Giving in the sense of providing (not only materially but also spiritually), leading and being the husband scripture teaches him to be. Than the wife knows she can trust him and she can let go of some of the control that she felt she needed to have. The keyword is wisdom.
 
Well said. Really I think families work best when everyone is focused on what they can give, not what they can get.

Now as to the wording and thinking. I agree that the marriage is between the husband and wife, whatever wife that may be. On the other hand, I have no desire to live separate lives, or live poly "in a vacuum". The relationship between my wife and any wife I have in the future is a vital one to me, as is the dynamic between all of us. Additionally, for a woman considering poly, the family unit that she is stepping into is a factor in her decision, not just the man she is considering marrying. So in that respect I don't think phrases like "We're courting a woman" are really inaccurate, just incomplete. The fleshed out thought would be more like "We're courting a woman for my husband to marry." Make sense?
 
If you'd ask me i would only consider pm if i am friends with the other wife. I wouldn't want to live completely seperate lives either. But i respect people who do prefer to live more seperate.
about the wording: "My husband is courting a woman for him to marry while i am building a solid friendship with her so we could all live together and build our family."
Something like that? Personally i would start the friendship with the wife first, before the real courting with the husband starts. I think i am not the only one who would prefer it that way so maybe there should be some changes made in the above sentence before it is BFforum proof.
 
Ha!

Well, as with most things in PM, there's not really a right and wrong way to do it. We're given little instruction on the specifics in the Bible. As long as it doesn't violate what is there, then I say as long as everyone involved is safe/healthy/loved do whatever works for a given family.

My personal preference would be to build relationships concurrently. Intentionally building relationship between husband and new woman, wife(s) and new woman, all together, and not neglecting the husband and existing wife relationship (which is a common pitfall). I know some guys are pretty well into courting a woman before he introduced her to existing wife(s), but I don't like that. Checking mutual interest/compatibility, sure, but not actually courting. Again, that's just me. David certainly didn't share my idea. Then again, I would like to avoid any rebellions led by my own family...
 
A husband and his wife are a family.
We pretty much use phrasing like "We are considering adding another woman to our family".
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top