How to refer to specific wives? ...and other polygamy etiquette...

[IshChayil]

So this is something which I'd be curious to hear what you all think.
Guys, how do you refer to your wives?
For example, I find myself sometimes wanting to clarify "My 1st wife thought such and such" or "my 2nd wife thought this or that". Of course this is only caused by the need for anonymity.
If no need for that I could say "Sally said that" or "Sue thought that".

What is the proper etiquette/netiquette for this?
I noticed some polygamous guys just say "my wife". I always feel like I'm being confusing if I don't specify.
How would the ladies want to be referred to in these situations (anonymous but here in these forums among polygamy-friendly folks)?
How do you fellas with multiple wives handle this?
How would you guys who plan to have another wife handle this?

Feel free to piggy back on any other polygamy etiquette / nomenclature issues.

 

[FollowingHim]

What is the proper etiquette/netiquette for this?

There is none. Proper etiquette is to be monogamous.

Once we've broken that "rule", we're making things up as we go along. Our culture has abandoned this for so long that there is no longer an established etiquette around it at all.
As far as I'm concerned, every option you have used in your post is acceptable, and have been used multiple times. There's nothing offensive about the 1st wife / 2nd wife terminology - it actually can be useful, as it has a direct bearing on the issues faced by different women. First wives face different challenges to second and subsequent wives, particularly emotionally, and when we're discussing such matters this can actually be a very relevant way to refer to them.
If there is a need for anonymity but you'd like to refer to them by a name that does not carry the baggage of these terms, feel free to use a pseudonym, as you do for yourself in these public posts (we've all got pseudonyms here in the form of our usernames, and use them more commonly than real names in public conversations).
Or just use their names. Or just say your wife. Whatever works within the context.

Once somebody posted a video on Facebook entitled "when your wife accepts your side bitch", of a black lady talking about how she had accepted her husband's mistress and was going out of her way to be nice to her. I responded "My bitch would accept a side wife". Which my wife thought was hilarious, and I intended as a humorous reminder of the equality between wives - but many others thought was insulting. Most people don't get my humour, fortunately my wife does... My point is, don't worry too much about the terminology, just relax and say whatever works at the time, don't worry about accidentally saying something "wrong". Because whatever the "rules" are, I just deliberately broke them to make a point, so nothing you do by accident can be worse.

 

[mystic]

"Co-wife" is the term in this article from Kenya. (Thanks, @cnystrom.)

"Sister wife" originated with Mormon polygamists, I believe. Despite its wider adoption in U.S. culture, it strikes me as a marketing term, a euphemism intended to make polygamy more palatable (for both the insiders and outsiders of that world). I doubt the non-Westernized mind has need of it.

 

[andrew]

KISS principle: I go with names.

 

[eye4them]

A quick Google search seems to show the term cowife as being commonly used by those who might be descendant from Ishmael. Were it not for that fact, I think the term might be quite appropriate. Peer-wife doesn't seem to have a very nice ring to it, and doesn't sound very endearing either. I've read on other forums (redit, sisterwives.yuku), where the man simply uses the first letter of the name of each of his respective women (or so it seemed anyway).

 

[FollowingHim]

Muslims and Mormons also call food "food" and chairs "chairs", that doesn't mean they contaminate the words by doing so and make them inappropriate for our use. Neither the words sister-wife or co-wife are made inappropriate simply by the fact that others use the same words. Co-wife is more factually correct, I suppose.

 

[andrew]

Co-wife is more factually correct, I suppose.

Not a rebuttal as much as thinking out loud. Co-wive gives more of a business partner feel. Sister wife sounds more like a big family. More a matter of connotation than denotation?

 

[FollowingHim]

"Co-" just means joint, mutual, common, together, in association with, as in co-pilot, co-conspirator etc. It doesn't have any business meaning, or family meaning, it's about as neutral as you can get. Sister- might paint a nicer picture, but co- is technically accurate from dictionary definitions.

 

[IshChayil]

good responses...
the thing with the co-wife / sister wife titles is it seems to me the title is not for the man referring to the ladies.
I like the "sister wife" title because it seems to hint at the optimum relationship between the wives but I wouldn't call one of my wives "my sister wife" or my "co wife" it seems the terms are for the ladies themselves to use about each other or some other 3rd party, no?

 

[IshChayil]

There is none. Proper etiquette is to be monogamous.

Once we've broken that "rule", we're making things up as we go along. Our culture has abandoned this for so long that there is no longer an established etiquette around it at all.
As far as I'm concerned, every option you have used in your post is acceptable, and have been used multiple times. There's nothing offensive about the 1st wife / 2nd wife terminology - it actually can be useful, as it has a direct bearing on the issues faced by different women. First wives face different challenges to second and subsequent wives, particularly emotionally, and when we're discussing such matters this can actually be a very relevant way to refer to them.
If there is a need for anonymity but you'd like to refer to them by a name that does not carry the baggage of these terms, feel free to use a pseudonym, as you do for yourself in these public posts (we've all got pseudonyms here in the form of our usernames, and use them more commonly than real names in public conversations).
Or just use their names. Or just say your wife. Whatever works within the context.

Once somebody posted a video on Facebook entitled "when your wife accepts your side bitch", of a black lady talking about how she had accepted her husband's mistress and was going out of her way to be nice to her. I responded "My bitch would accept a side wife". Which my wife thought was hilarious, and I intended as a humorous reminder of the equality between wives - but many others thought was insulting. Most people don't get my humour, fortunately my wife does... My point is, don't worry too much about the terminology, just relax and say whatever works at the time, don't worry about accidentally saying something "wrong". Because whatever the "rules" are, I just deliberately broke them to make a point, so nothing you do by accident can be worse.

this made me laugh... (I have to say that because LOL has been ruined)

 

[andrew]

"Co-" just means joint, mutual, common, together, in association with, as in co-pilot, co-conspirator etc. It doesn't have any business meaning, or family meaning, it's about as neutral as you can get. Sister- might paint a nicer picture, but co- is technically accurate from dictionary definitions.

Hey, I said I wasn't trying to start an argument, but let's go!

Co-venturer, co-executor, co-tenant, co-signer, co-obligor, co-habitation, co-administration, co-chair... I could go on.

May be an AmerEng/BritEng thing, but I still maintain that co- has a business-y feel. Maybe it's just me. My personal experience is that in over 40 years of business I run into co- all the time, and in almost 20 years in the online poly community, Chris's Kenya article is the first time I've ever heard 'co-wife'. Maybe it's an African thing!

That's why I raised the denote/connote question. I know what co- means, I'm just questioning how it's used.

Anyway, to each his own. If you like co-wife, roll with it. To me it just sounds too cold.

 

[Lili]

I asked my husband how he refers to us, and his response was he uses names or nicknames. He keeps it simple.

I'd like to be "my wife Lili" all the time, but as a plural wife, I just have a thing for being acknowledged explicitly as his wife. I understand he won't always and sometimes can't refer to me that way.

 

[Nikud]

I like the "sister wife" title because it seems to hint at the optimum relationship between the wives

In some circles ,when used by a guy, sisterwife is being used to describe a secret mistress.

This is just my unsolicited ,bias ,agenda driven opinion, I think that sticking with names is the way to go. Those who know your family will have already asked questions like who was your first wife, second, ect..., and know who your talking about. Those who don't know your family will be forced to engage in conversation by asking questions to get the answers they want. It's in those dialogues that friendships are made and in the case of someone who is on the fence about one of many biblical issues that dialogue could lead to understand which could open there heart to revelation on many things.

 

[FollowingHim]

the thing with the co-wife / sister wife titles is it seems to me the title is not for the man referring to the ladies.

Exactly. She's your wife, and her sisterwife/co-wife.

If you like co-wife, roll with it. To me it just sounds too cold.

I didn't state a preference as to which to use. Just that from a cold, mathematical pov, co- seems to most precisely say "these people are associated with each other" without stating anything about the nature of that association. The less you say the less likely you are to imply something incorrect. But it really isn't important, just an off-the-cuff reaction.

 

[WifeOfHisYouth]

This is my one sided take on it (now that the potential is no longer a potential ) but she and I discussed our dislike for the term "sister wife" or "co-wife" and decided we preferred to refer to each other as "bestie". This is the type of relationship that I hope to have with the future Mrs @Asforme&myhouse (2). We felt like it brought less questions and still showed that close relationship in which we desired and hoped would have. Now that she isn't an option, I hope that whoever God brings into our lives in that way will like that term also.

As for what the hubs calls me (it is up to him of course).. I personally prefer to still keep my title of First Wife or Wife Of His Youth when it is appropriate or ok to distinguish (in places such as this forum or with other plural minded settings).. other places I will just be a wife. At times, I distinguish between my sons (first born, youngest) and other situations I refer to them as just "my son". The title distinguishing them doesn't diminish their role simply by the numeric placement but it helps to clarify when appropriate to do so.

 

[notforevil]

We just say that we're all family. One name, one explanation. "A family member said..."
If a person doesn't need to know their name, then they sure don't need to know who they are in the family.
This is simply giving a way that our family successfully handles the question asked... after all isn't that what
we're supposed to be doing here? Helping each other according to God's wisdom and nothing else? He made
us family and we really should support His design... try it next time somebody asks who this is when referring
to SW #2 or SW #3... just telling that person that "they're family" may leave them bewildered for a minute or so,
but its the most polite way to be honest and gently let the inquisitive outsider know that
the question is above their pay grade

 

[Ginny]

Although Andrew has already weighed in on this one, I thought I might add my opinion/preference... I think poly etiquette is like all etiquette and depends on context. When we are at home, we don't use titles at all. We refer to each other by our names. Because of possible persecution by law, we are careful not to present in public as being married so unless Andrew is referring to Cheryl (who is his legal wife), it's pretty much names. One of the reasons I love going to retreats is because I like it when other people refer to me as Andrew's wife - and that Andrew can openly say "my wives" in a group setting.

At our first "big" retreat in TN about three years ago, I was introducing myself to a gentleman and I said "Hi, I'm Ginny." And then, out of habit, I lowered my voice and said "Andrew's wife." The man very kindly asked "Why did you lower your voice?" I had not even noticed. From then on, I introduced myself in person without lowering my voice and it has been quite liberating.

There are three women in our family and we don't refer to each other as "sisterwives". We just refer to each other by names. In general contexts, I might refer to one of them as "my best friend" but overall, we don't seem to care much for titles. I think it's because we are very much a team and though we all recognize that Cheryl has known Andrew longer than all of us and I have known him longer than Ann, we focus more on who we are as a unit who has survived - and now thrived - for almost twenty years together.

Another thing I thought I'd mention is that the kids don't call us all "Mom". Cheryl's kids call her "Mom" and Ann's son calls her "Mom" but they just call the non-moms by their name. However, we have discussed our preferences for what we want the grand kids to call us, you know, when they get here someday. So that should be fun.

As is true for most things in plural marriage, it seems to be different for different families. I like the way we do things because it works for us. But I also like the way other families do things because it works for them.

 

[Mojo]

Do any wives just refer to each other as "sister" at home and out?

 

[IshChayil]

Although Andrew has already weighed in on this one, I thought I might add my opinion/preference... I think poly etiquette is like all etiquette and depends on context. When we are at home, we don't use titles at all. We refer to each other by our names. Because of possible persecution by law, we are careful not to present in public as being married so unless Andrew is referring to Cheryl (who is his legal wife), it's pretty much names. One of the reasons I love going to retreats is because I like it when other people refer to me as Andrew's wife - and that Andrew can openly say "my wives" in a group setting.

At our first "big" retreat in TN about three years ago, I was introducing myself to a gentleman and I said "Hi, I'm Ginny." And then, out of habit, I lowered my voice and said "Andrew's wife." The man very kindly asked "Why did you lower your voice?" I had not even noticed. From then on, I introduced myself in person without lowering my voice and it has been quite liberating.

There are three women in our family and we don't refer to each other as "sisterwives". We just refer to each other by names. In general contexts, I might refer to one of them as "my best friend" but overall, we don't seem to care much for titles. I think it's because we are very much a team and though we all recognize that Cheryl has known Andrew longer than all of us and I have known him longer than Ann, we focus more on who we are as a unit who has survived - and now thrived - for almost twenty years together.

Another thing I thought I'd mention is that the kids don't call us all "Mom". Cheryl's kids call her "Mom" and Ann's son calls her "Mom" but they just call the non-moms by their name. However, we have discussed our preferences for what we want the grand kids to call us, you know, when they get here someday. So that should be fun.

As is true for most things in plural marriage, it seems to be different for different families. I like the way we do things because it works for us. But I also like the way other families do things because it works for them.

Thank you for sharing these insights. very useful and interesting !
One of my wives feels bad that she can't have my last name yet (name changes here are extremely difficult outside of legal marriage and only the Muslims are allowed multiple marriages by the gov't). If it's not prying did you change your last name?
Totally fine if this is something you don't want to share for any reason.
G-d bless and thanks for sharing!

 

[Ruthie]

"Anyway, to each his own. If you like co-wife, roll with it. To me it just sounds too cold."

I agree, it sounds too cold...and business-y....