Jealousy

[DeathIsNotTheEnd]

Ok so, I really do want both perspectives on this (men and women), which is why I'm posting it here in the marriage issues forum.

I'm not trying to make a statement or anything. I really am trying to understand, and think through my own feelings.


In all of this stuff with PM, one of my major complaints/frustrations has been dealing with jealousy from the wife. I know, inside myself/my own head, that I can love someone else and have it not affect the wife at all. In fact caring for others makes me care for the wife MORE.
Similarly, I have a very hard time with the possessiveness. The "you're mine, not her's" and "I want you to only love me" is a totally unsympathetic viewpoint for me...I just can't look positively on it.
Now, when it comes to FEARS (fear of loss, etc...) that I can totally sympathize with. And I want to assuage those fears, to reassure and 'fix them' like a guy is wont to do


Today, my friend (for anyone who's been following my story you know who I mean) said something to me over a text, about some fun time she'd had, and to my shock and horror at myself, suddenly it was ME feeling jealous! Over someone who isn't even my wife. It was incredibly strong too! Like, I started crying immediately lol. Maybe I'm just tired.

Anyway. This got me thinking. What the hell? It seems incongruous, that I'd feel jealousy but then be unsympathetic to my wife's jealousy. I don't intend to be hypocritical!

So I sat down and have been trying to think through my emotions, and came up with three main things that I feel/want right now, while I feel this jealousy.
1. I'm afraid of my friend realizing she doesn't need me for those things, and thus abandoning me.
2. I want to have a unique place in her life: to be close to her in a way no one else is.
3. Because my friend is trying to get rid of her feelings for me, I'm afraid of her 'replacing' them with some other guy. In short, I don't WANT her to lose her feelings for me.

Now, looking at those. The first one I feel is a matter of reassurance. What I would like in response is to be reassured, both in word and in deed, that that will not happen. I want to be made to feel respected and looked to for comfort, and that I am needed.

The third is sort of tied to the first, and needs reassurance, I think.

The second... I'm struggling with, because I DO feel that is a difference between men and women in relationships. This is what I'm asking for everyone's help and wisdom on.


Is it 'unfair' that a husband could feel like he doesnt want to 'share' his wife, but that a wife is expected to share her husband?

Is there some way to have a unique role/place that nobody else can take (for a woman/wife) WITHOUT the limiting factor being 'married and sex'?


And I should say, that's an extreme example.
We've been together for 12 years, and I, for whatever reason, do not feel jealousy when she is playing board games with her guy friends, or the fact that she's a doctor on night shifts with guys, etc...most of the time. Sometimes I feel left out, or that I miss her, but I never care that she is enjoying time with others...most of the time, I just think "good, because I don't want to do that activity" lol. But I know it wasn't that way at first, and I'm not sure, honestly, what I did to 'fix it'.

 

[FollowingHim2]

Perhaps YHWH is giving you this jealousy so that you know what it feels like and can empathise better with your wife. Maybe this is something that you need to learn, a future tool.

Our God is a jealous God. The bible makes this abundantly clear. Jealousy can be normal and healthy to a certain extent.

Is it 'unfair' that a husband could feel like he doesnt want to 'share' his wife, but that a wife is expected to share her husband?

Unfair? Perhaps, if you wish to try and make life equal and fair and not of God. Remember that marriage has a spiritual parallel in our relationship with Yeshua. I'm sure he'd get mighty jealous if we went off praying to budda for a while. And yet, you're quite comfortable sharing Yeshua with others, in fact you want to preach about Him to others to get them to follow Him too, right?

I commented about this on here recently, but I've found it really interesting that in the non-Christians I know where their relationship has broken up the same parallels apply. The couple splits, the man finds another woman - no problem, the woman finds another man - the first man goes nuts. In some cases the man has been known to become physically abusive. Now, none of that is OK, of course, but we live in a messy world where people aren't following by YHWHs laws, yet they still feel it. They still have this deep down knowledge that a man can have multiple women and it's OK, but a woman cannot have multiple men.

It's great that you trust your wife, but if you found out she was having sex with another man I can guarantee you'd be feeling much different about that situation.

 

[DeathIsNotTheEnd]

Perhaps YHWH is giving you this jealousy so that you know what it feels like and can empathise better with your wife. Maybe this is something that you need to learn, a future tool.

Unfair? Perhaps, if you wish to try and make life equal and fair and not of God. Remember that marriage has a spiritual parallel in our relationship with Yeshua. I'm sure he'd get mighty jealous if we went off praying to budda for a while. And yet, you're quite comfortable sharing Yeshua with others, in fact you want to preach about Him to others to get them to follow Him too, right?

It's great that you trust your wife, but if you found out she was having sex with another man I can guarantee you'd be feeling much different about that situation.

Yes for sure, I do think that it is helping me empathize more with her. I do think there is a slight difference though, as you noted, in that in my case, I am not to 'share my wife' with others. Whereas God has built men to be able to love multiple women. So there's a bit of a disconnect in the sense that I definitely empathize and understand the feeling! And I want to help. Be there for her, comfort her, reassure her...all those things that I'd like when I feel jealous. But, and I think this is what i was getting at with my question...
There IS a difference in what 'can be done' to 'fix' jealous feelings. Because whereas I have a right as a husband to not let my wife take another husband, she does not have the same right in return. I don't mean that to be harsh, rather that, the solution of 'don't do this thing that causes me jealousy' is NOT a solution that works both ways. I think you agree with that? Sorry if I'm misreading you

I'm not thinking about fairness myself...obviously, I know what I was built for and what I want myself lol, I'm just thinking out loud. So it sounds like you do not feel it's an issue of fairness, correct?

Well, I'm sure I would in the moment. I simply meant it to say...I do not feel particularly possessive of her. The things that upset me about it are either moral (it is IMmoral for her to sleep with another man, so I disagree on a moral level) or simply seeking personal reassurance (I don't care if she hangs out with guy friends. Good! Because we don't share a ton of interests and I want her to do what she enjoys. But I still want a hug and a 'I missed you' at the end of the day ). The trick is the first one I can't respond the same in return (being the man, thus able to have multiple women). The second I definitely can, and is what I'm striving for

I suppose a part of this specific case is... well, the friend is NOT a wife. She is not 'mine' in that sense. So, I realize fully I have no claim over her, and thus she has no reason NOT to 'replace me'. No matter how sad the idea is

 

[FollowingHim2]

Do you know you say 'fix' a lot in your posts? I find it amusing, you're very much a guy . What if you can't fix it? The thing is, thoughts and feelings can't always be fixed, sometimes we just need to live with them. If your wife is having jealous thoughts, then it's not up to you to 'fix' them either, that's up to her. As you rightly state, there is a difference between what men and women are allowed, and giving up that jealousy or rather working through it, is something that she needs to do to further her growth. If you just went and 'fixed' it, then there'd be no growth.

It's not about the nail.

 

[DeathIsNotTheEnd]

Do you know you say 'fix' a lot in your posts? I find it amusing, you're very much a guy . What if you can't fix it? The thing is, thoughts and feelings can't always be fixed, sometimes we just need to live with them. If your wife is having jealous thoughts, then it's not up to you to 'fix' them either, that's up to her. As you rightly state, there is a difference between what men and women are allowed, and giving up that jealousy or rather working through it, is something that she needs to do to further her growth. If you just went and 'fixed' it, then there'd be no growth.

It's not about the nail.

Yup, I'm a guy
I know that isn't always what can or needs to be done. But my desire to care for her through it, and help her not feel badly, is part of my love for her
I may not be able to 'fix' anything. But I DO want to reassure her, and comfort her as she goes through it. That's what I'm trying to learn to do best

Also with that video: feel like there's a point worth making there at the end lol. At some point, those feelings or things that 'can't be fixed' start affecting others. And then I HAVE to address it, because it's my job to protect others as well (self included).


But this is a bit of a separate tangent.

My original question, or I guess what I'm looking for advice on, is 'where does jealousy come in when the things each party can/should ask for are different?'

 

[Aussies]

Is it weird that I, for some reason, would not be upset (except in a 'this is morally wrong' way) if my wife were to sleep with some of my close guy friends? I'm just not possessive of her in that way.

Could it be that she knows that and because of that she no longer feels special to you and thus no longer safe in your love for her? She obviously is loyal and still in love with you, otherwise she just wouldn't care. If you felt different in the past then perhaps what has altered is not her but you. Could it be that if you are not possessive of her in that way, then maybe you should be, and perhaps, she should know it. Perhaps the problem could be that you may be wanting to "fix" what is not broken and ignoring what is. It would seem to me that her reaction (jealousy) would be expected, even normal, Not a criticism, just a thought.

Bad example but, Some time ago I had a dog that I took everywhere with me (in the car) it got to the point that he was becoming very protective and thought he owned the car and I couldn't get him out so I stopped taking him with me. As time went on I got another dog and was a bit more reserved about how many times I took him in the car, he's fine but the first dog (still here) seems like he just doesn't care any more and treats me like everyone else (no longer special, he is no longer jealous). I think he understands that he has been relegated to the back seat. That was never my intent, but it is how it worked out. Some times we need to be careful what we wish for! Where it comes to any relationship, sometimes what we don't say is more important than what we do say. As I said, Not a criticism, just a thought.

 

[DeathIsNotTheEnd]

Could it be that she knows that and because of that she no longer feels special to you and thus no longer safe in your love for her? She obviously is loyal and still in love with you, otherwise she just wouldn't care. If you felt different in the past then perhaps what has altered is not her but you. Could it be that if you are not possessive of her in that way, then maybe you should be, and perhaps, she should know it. Perhaps the problem could be that you may be wanting to "fix" what is not broken and ignoring what is. It would seem to me that her reaction (jealousy) would be expected, even normal, Not a criticism, just a thought.

Bad example but, Some time ago I had a dog that I took everywhere with me (in the car) it got to the point that he was becoming very protective and thought he owned the car and I couldn't get him out so I stopped taking him with me. As time went on I got another dog and was a bit more reserved about how many times I took him in the car, he's fine but the first dog (still here) seems like he just doesn't care any more and treats me like everyone else (no longer special, he is no longer jealous). I think he understands that he has been relegated to the back seat. That was never my intent, but it is how it worked out. Some times we need to be careful what we wish for! Where it comes to any relationship, sometimes what we don't say is more important than what we do say. As I said, Not a criticism, just a thought.

I'm trying to understand if there is a fine line there that I'm not seeing, so bear with me: is your emphasis on "she no longer FEELS special to me" or "she no longer IS special to me"?

Because the second is entirely not true. She IS special to me. These months have been hard and painful and I care and get hurt bcause I love her so much. It pains me to see her in pain. I enjoy seeing her and being with her, and I enjoy sex. As I said elsewhere, I don't want to replace her. I can't do this without her. Her being on board means the world to me. And much of my hurt and distress in this all has been not wanting to lose her: emotionally OR in reality (through divorce or her just leaving). She is such a sunshine in my life

If you mean the FIRST, however, I mean, it is possible she isn't feeling that way, certainly. I don't think it is bad to seek to trust the other person's love completely that you know they won't abandon you? That's what changed for me, I feel. I AM possessive of her in the sense of not wanting to lose her. And as I said, I DO feel left out or sad when she does not reconnect after doing stuff with other guy friends. Perhaps that is some jealousy. But I also have learned to just tell her, and I know her heart is one of love for me, so a simple word and hug is enough to reassure me

Sorry if I misunderstood what you mean to say. We're expecting our first child and I'm very excited to be parents together. But perhaps I have not helped her feel as 'pursued' lately, is that what you mean?

 

[DeathIsNotTheEnd]

Alright I want to make an edit because I feel people are perhaps picking up on the wrong part of my post, so: EDITED.

The thought of my wife and one of my friends does not upset me much, BECAUSE I trust my friends, and know they are good, godly men. If I were to die, I would want one of them to take my wife as a second wife, and am somewhat disturbed by the reality that if I died tomorrow, my wife would be left totally alone, because of this BS culture of monogamy-only nonsense

However. The thought of my wife 'falling in love' with, and desiring to sleep with and then doing so, ANY other guy, is of COURSE distressing. To actually put it in real world images is almost impossible to comprehend. That's just not who my wife is. She is so loving, faithful, and loyal. That is what I trust. She's also a godly woman. If my wife ACTUALLY slept with another guy while I was alive, I would certainly be devastated, feel betrayed, feel all those insecurities, feel hurt, feel like she'd divorced me at least in spirit, etc. So, let's move on from this idea lol. Sorry I used it, poor example.

 

[Aussies]

So, let's move on from this idea lol. Sorry I used it, poor example.

Nicely expressed!
As regards what I am trying to say, not much, I just thought it would be good to help you to think about the situation from another perspective, sometimes its good to think outside the box.
Congratulations on the up coming baby.

 

[FollowingHim2]

We're expecting our first child and I'm very excited to be parents together.

I didn't know this, congratulations! Pregnancy hormones do crazy things to a woman. It's not a great time to be going through a huge emotional upheaval. Everything will be bigger and take longer to deal with.
One of the things that really helps with understanding PM is having multiple children. The love you have for the first is not diminished when the second comes along, but is doubled. In her case, the love for you won't change when she has your child, she will just create more. It's a different love, but it still takes the same amount of effort, time, and feelings. It might be a good chance to explain that to her.

 

[RainyLondonFog]

Congratulations on the good news! I agree with FH2, pregnancy is hard, physically, emotionally.. it's a difficult time for most women. Having to face these new ideas and changes will be much harder in pregnancy and when baby is young.

 

[RainyLondonFog]

Ok so, I really do want both perspectives on this (men and women), which is why I'm posting it here in the marriage issues forum.

This is the main reason why I am posting more. Earlier I was cooking dinner and kind of rushed for time but now I have a little bit of time to give my perspective. I usually don't really like to post, because I don't want to say anything silly so I'll try my best not to lol but you did ask for my perspective so here it goes... (I also did get kind of lost in the rest of the comments so I'm just going to say about I think about the original post.)

In all of this stuff with PM, one of my major complaints/frustrations has been dealing with jealousy from the wife. I know, inside myself/my own head, that I can love someone else and have it not affect the wife at all. In fact caring for others makes me care for the wife MORE.
Similarly, I have a very hard time with the possessiveness. The "you're mine, not her's" and "I want you to only love me" is a totally unsympathetic viewpoint for me...I just can't look positively on it.
Now, when it comes to FEARS (fear of loss, etc...) that I can totally sympathize with. And I want to assuage those fears, to reassure and 'fix them' like a guy is wont to do

To me personally, Jealousy and Possessiveness seem to mask an underlying thing - fear. What's there to be jealous of if you secure? Why would you want a tight grip on something unless you are afraid of it slipping away? Unfortunately I think the only thing that can help with this is once again - time. I am a big fan of being patient. I don't like to be patient in reality (I try my best!) lol but waiting is often the trial. Time for the Lord to help her, time for her to see that you won't abandon her, time for her to grow. It takes a potter time to mold the clay into what he wants it to be...

Today, my friend (for anyone who's been following my story you know who I mean) said something to me over a text, about some fun time she'd had, and to my shock and horror at myself, suddenly it was ME feeling jealous! Over someone who isn't even my wife. It was incredibly strong too! Like, I started crying immediately lol. Maybe I'm just tired.

I like what @FollowingHim2 said about maybe it being so you can empathize with your wife's feelings.. I am sure that it washes over her in just the same way. We usually don't ask for the emotions that come upon us, we just get to try to figure out what to do with them... I also think that it's good to keep reminding yourself (if need be! I am totes not judging or saying I think you need this) that she is not your wife - like you said. Investing feelings in someone who (I think you said somewhere else? Forgive me if I am wrong) that she doesn't even know if she's interested in a plural marriages sounds like heartache up ahead.

So I sat down and have been trying to think through my emotions, and came up with three main things that I feel/want right now, while I feel this jealousy.
1. I'm afraid of my friend realizing she doesn't need me for those things, and thus abandoning me.
2. I want to have a unique place in her life: to be close to her in a way no one else is.
3. Because my friend is trying to get rid of her feelings for me, I'm afraid of her 'replacing' them with some other guy. In short, I don't WANT her to lose her feelings for me.

Now, looking at those. The first one I feel is a matter of reassurance. What I would like in response is to be reassured, both in word and in deed, that that will not happen. I want to be made to feel respected and looked to for comfort, and that I am needed.

The third is sort of tied to the first, and needs reassurance, I think.

The second... I'm struggling with, because I DO feel that is a difference between men and women in relationships. This is what I'm asking for everyone's help and wisdom on.

This society tells us we need to be unique. We are only worthy as women if we can have a man smitten with only us. They tell us that we are easily replaced, and that there is always a newer model available. Of course she wants to feel unique and special to you! Of course she wants to be close to you like no one else has or will be! Because society tells her that your first and third points will be shortly ahead if not (isn't needed/being abandoned and being replaced/ you losing your feelings for her) My opinion is that she is jealous and possessive because she is holding on tight for society not to be right. I don't think jealousy and possessiveness are really the problem here. The problem is fear. Fear of loss. We see see them all the time. The women that were left and abandoned. And society tells us that we could be next if you are looking at someone else. It's going to take time for her to see that you aren't those men and she won't be the statistic. You just keep doing your best to nurture her growth, to show her assurance, to cling to the Lord and follow where He leads.

Is it 'unfair' that a husband could feel like he doesnt want to 'share' his wife, but that a wife is expected to share her husband?

Well unfortunately society has raised women to think so. And anyone who has ever been taught something the wrong way can vouch, it is very hard to unlearn and get it down the way it should have originally been taught. It will take time. But use what you said to empathize with her. In the same way that you don't want to share her, that is what she's been raised to believe and feel about you.

So that's pretty much all I have to say. Well, I want to add again that being pregnant is hard. Well, has been hard for me anyways. Some women love it apparently.. *insert shrugging face here* I really don't want that to sound like a cop out but it's true. It's a joke that everyone has heard - crazy, emotional, pregnant woman. I have been praying for all three of you (your friend included) and now four of you, and hope that whatever comes will bring growth and glory to the Lord!

 

[cnystrom]

Is it 'unfair' that a husband could feel like he doesnt want to 'share' his wife, but that a wife is expected to share her husband?

For whatever reason I usually do not get jealous. I am more likely to get bored. I probably would have made a great polyamorist except that it is totally against my convictions about right and wrong.

I do not think that feelings are right and wrong. They are just signals. They are telling you something. In this case, the jealousy feeling means that your wife needs more comfort and reassurance.

As far as it being fair, I think the simple answer is that no it s not. But then life is not fair. Being a Christian is not about getting a fair deal. The parable of the vinyard workers comes to mind. Unfairly they all got the same reward. So fairness is not the goal.

So what is the goal? The goal is to do God's will. That is why I think it is important the reasons why you do what you do, and it will be easier for your wife to do it if she really believes that you are trying to follow God's will for your life, and for the leadership of your family. For that you have to do God's will in all aspects of being a husband and a father and not just when it comes to polygamy.

By the way, I do not think jealousy is fatal. What the real killer is competition. I proposed to a woman last year and we handled the jealousy problems ok. I mean I had to spend a lot time reassuring and comforting, etc, both women, especially my wife, but I do not think it was fatal. What was really fatal was that my prospective was competitive. It put her in a bad mindset where she could not see a win win scenario and how she might get there, and when she got competitive it caused my wife to be competitive. For example, my wife could have a conversation about sharing her husband, but she was not going to let someone come in and take him. So it all became a bad vibe that I was never able to overcome.

If you are all good people with good will towards each other and want the best for each other then I believe you can handle and work through jealousy issues, meet people's needs and get to happily ever after. But if even one person is competitive, who puts themselves first instead of being sacrificial, who is trying (whether consciously or unconsciously) to create an environment with winners and losers instead of one where everyone wins, then you are going to have a problem.

 

[DeathIsNotTheEnd]

This is the main reason why I am posting more. Earlier I was cooking dinner and kind of rushed for time but now I have a little bit of time to give my perspective. I usually don't really like to post, because I don't want to say anything silly so I'll try my best not to lol but you did ask for my perspective so here it goes... (I also did get kind of lost in the rest of the comments so I'm just going to say about I think about the original post.)

I also think that it's good to keep reminding yourself (if need be! I am totes not judging or saying I think you need this) that she is not your wife - like you said. Investing feelings in someone who (I think you said somewhere else? Forgive me if I am wrong) that she doesn't even know if she's interested in a plural marriages sounds like heartache up ahead.

Thank you And thank you for taking the time to reply!

I'm afraid of the loss of that future.
But actually it's interesting that I'm writing this now because we JUST had a conversation about 2 hours ago about this very thing.

So I'm not sure...if this is the place to say it? Maybe it's derailing my own thread lol.
Here's the thing. She DOES want it. She has expressed that directly to me. She wants to be my wife, with my current wife. But she feels a lot of fear, because she knows there would be changes and she'd have to give some things up (future plans, etc...) and trust me, and although she does trust me, it gets to the second thing, which is that she isn't sure what God has called her to, hence why she's praying about it. And I respect that (I wouldn't care for her as I do if she wasn't that God-seeking!)

But the REALITY is that, as you said, currently, she ISNT. It's a possibility. I don't want to lose the possibility. In our interesting conversation this evening, she said that she wants to remain faithful to me in that, and protect that future until God tells her otherwise. So, that really answered all my concerns lol. So, we're good now.


But to the main topic:

You mentioned

In the same way that you don't want to share her, that is what she's been raised to believe and feel about you.

Yeah, I see that for sure.
Is there something in that process that I have caused or need to change? Or is it her own 'valley' alone?

 

[DeathIsNotTheEnd]

For whatever reason I usually do not get jealous. I am more likely to get bored. I probably would have made a great polyamorist except that it is totally against my convictions about right and wrong.

I do not think that feelings are right and wrong. They are just signals. They are telling you something. In this case, the jealousy feeling means that your wife needs more comfort and reassurance.

As far as it being fair, I think the simple answer is that no it s not. But then life is not fair. Being a Christian is not about getting a fair deal. The parable of the vinyard workers comes to mind. Unfairly they all got the same reward. So fairness is not the goal.

So what is the goal? The goal is to do God's will. That is why I think it is important the reasons why you do what you do, and it will be easier for your wife to do it if she really believes that you are trying to follow God's will for your life, and for the leadership of your family. For that you have to do God's will in all aspect of being a husband and a father and not just when it comes to polygamy.

By the way, I do not think jealousy is fatal. What the real killer is competition. I proposed to a woman last year and we handled the jealousy problems ok. I mean I had to spend a lot time reassuring and comforting, etc, both women, especially my wife, but I do not think it was fatal. What was really fatal was that my prospective was competitive. It put her in a bad mindset where she could not see a win win scenario and how she might get there, and when she got competitive it caused my wife to be competitive. For example, my wife could have a conversation about sharing her husband, but she was not going to let someone come in and take him. So it all became a bad vibe that I was never able to overcome.

If you are all good people with good will towards each other and want the best for each other then I believe you can handle and work through jealousy issues, meet people's needs and get to happily ever after. But if even one person is competitive, who puts themselves first instead of being sacrificial, who is trying (whether consciously or unconsciously) to create an environment with winners and losers instead of one where everyone wins, then you are going to have a problem.

Excellent points

I'm hoping my wife will see, if not a sense of peace or direction from God in this, at least a desire/peace with submitting to what I see God's will to be myself.

I'm fallible, of course. But sometimes...I just know things. No, I don't always know exactly what to do next, but I do feel strongly that God's brought us to this point for a reason

 

[RainyLondonFog]

Is there something in that process that I have caused or need to change? Or is it her own 'valley' alone?

I've been pondering this and I think I'm out of my pay grade on this one. I've some opinions but none that I really want to share as I'm not wise and even they that are cannot see all ends. So all I can say is be patient, practice all things that are love, cling to the Lord, and seek His face because He is willing and able to direct.

 

[Slumberfreeze]

Since my wife is quoting LotR, I'll step in where she stepped out

In the same way that you don't want to share her, that is what she's been raised to believe and feel about you.

Is there something in that process that I have caused or need to change? Or is it her own 'valley' alone?

Most of your wife's take on Jealousy is not your fault. Her early childhood training and the culture she was raised in and her natural inclinations that were handed to her on the way out of the Garden have all played a very significant role in her feelings and attitudes. Your part in this begins with anything and everything you've ever said to her affirming this view, culminating in the vow you gave her to 'forsake all others'. With that act you took all the things she believed about her Inalienable Right to be jealous about you, and affirmed them and sealed them in with your signet ring of Headship in the presence of many witnesses. This is not an insignificant action in the realm of emotions. Your word and your vow act as a shelter for her beliefs and feelings in this matter.

That part you cannot change, obviously. Most of what you can change, you have changed already.

The valley and all it's obstacles are set in place. Your word has ensured that she has no pressing need to change the way she feels, and has strong incentive not to!

The emotional changes that she will need to make are beyond the subtle manipulations of even the most advanced infj The only thing you can do is provide the type of leadership and environment where she feels safe enough to honestly re-evaluate her beliefs.

As Rainy points out, even I cannot see all ends.(huehuehuheuheuhehe) But my opinion is that if there is another girl out there that you are currently emotionally concerned about and invested in, this will only serve to darken the skies over that valley that you wish your wife to venture out into. You wish your wife to practice self denial, are you denying yourself thoroughly? Have you indeed gained mastery over your own emotions? The good shepherd must lead valiantly and call his sheep from the front.

I don't know the details of what you could change, but my intuition tells me if you want to help your wife do something uncomfortable, you must be willing to do something even more so.

 

[DeathIsNotTheEnd]

Since my wife is quoting LotR, I'll step in where she stepped out




Most of your wife's take on Jealousy is not your fault. Her early childhood training and the culture she was raised in and her natural inclinations that were handed to her on the way out of the Garden have all played a very significant role in her feelings and attitudes. Your part in this begins with anything and everything you've ever said to her affirming this view, culminating in the vow you gave her to 'forsake all others'. With that act you took all the things she believed about her Inalienable Right to be jealous about you, and affirmed them and sealed them in with your signet ring of Headship in the presence of many witnesses. This is not an insignificant action in the realm of emotions. Your word and your vow act as a shelter for her beliefs and feelings in this matter.

That part you cannot change, obviously. Most of what you can change, you have changed already.

The valley and all it's obstacles are set in place. Your word has ensured that she has no pressing need to change the way she feels, and has strong incentive not to!

The emotional changes that she will need to make are beyond the subtle manipulations of even the most advanced infj The only thing you can do is provide the type of leadership and environment where she feels safe enough to honestly re-evaluate her beliefs.

As Rainy points out, even I cannot see all ends.(huehuehuheuheuhehe) But my opinion is that if there is another girl out there that you are currently emotionally concerned about and invested in, this will only serve to darken the skies over that valley that you wish your wife to venture out into. You wish your wife to practice self denial, are you denying yourself thoroughly? Have you indeed gained mastery over your own emotions? The good shepherd must lead valiantly and call his sheep from the front.

I don't know the details of what you could change, but my intuition tells me if you want to help your wife do something uncomfortable, you must be willing to do something even more so.

Amen.
Thank you, bro.

A series of things happened last night. I made some mistakes and realized exactly what you are saying.
The friend and I are taking some space, and the wife and I are seeking to get on the same page. This will be a hard, sad road, and may be long, but I know God can get us through it if He wants

 

[Verifyveritas76]

the wife and I are seeking to get on the same page. This will be a hard, sad road, and may be long, but I know God can get us through it if He wants

I’ve found that when both parties are focused on being on His road, then wherever that may take you isn’t nearly as important as that you are secure in knowing that He knows where it’s taking you.

Sometimes a wife has trouble trusting because she feels that it’s the husbands road more so than Gods road.

 

[rockfox]

I love that nail video. There will be those times when she comes to talk about 'a problem' which you'll want to fix; but she just wants to emote about. These are good times to practice being a rock in her life. Your wife needs to know that you're a stable foundation for the relationship, not torn to and fro by the winds of emotion.