Well said!
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Jennie's list of questions (food for thought)
- Thread starter Joleneakamama
- Start date
Ok...came here from the seeking of advice request post made by @loveswhere I beat my own drum about what I see as some solid bullet points for a single woman seeking her plural marriage. Gonna take a crack at the above questions and see how we (yes my wife is here and will be adding her own feedback) would respond in a getting to know you scenario with a single woman.
~Questions For The Husband & The Wives~
1. Was it the husband or the wife who first brought the subject of another wife up and what was the others first reaction? ---- It was me, the husband from the proposition of actual plural marriage but we had a shared history of having first learned about plural marriage in one form or another broadly speaking from the same source books and had discussed the potential benefits and some overt problems with they types proposed in the initial source. Her: He did but after many years of discussing the topic in general, we decided together that it was a go-ahead.
2. How do you feel about it today? Him: Her: Warier. After some bad experiences and some that started off great but then went bad. It helps if you know your self and all parties must be genuine but like any search for a partner, it can go bad
3. Please describe your employment if any. This is more something to answer for someone directly interested in us and our family so going to leave it as both full time professionals in our respective areas.
4. At any other time have you ever been married to anyone else and if so why did that relationship end? Yes, we had a sisterwife who is a member here and it ended for reasons that would have applied in a monogamous relationship or a plural one. Not to our mind commentary on polygamy. Won't go deeper because she deserves her privacy.
5. Do you have children with anyone other then your current spouse if so please explain? Same as previous answer but yes we have an amazing young son and want more.
6. If you feel that this is the right thing for you and your family why? Him: Her: more brains working on a puzzle the faster and easier it goes. The more people you have in your family and life, the better your chances of success. Bigger is better in this case.
7. For each member of the couple/family how many wives would you like to have as part of your family? Him: Her: to me one more would be ideal bit two more could be good as well. Tje most import thing is who they are and their character
8. What are your religious beliefs and basic religious history? Both: Agnostic. We both find the topic fascinating bit have yet to find the muse or calling however you would personally couch it.
9. Are you a part of a Group and if so what one, if not are you looking to join one? Both: Group? Whatchu talkin bout Willis? Putting the cringy humor to the side briefly, no. No groups. Don't know of groups other than some that fall under the broad Mormon umbrella. If there are more of a different stripe then might be interest but we are not really joiners. More apt to start something than join.
10. If I am not part of your religious beliefs would you want me to convert if we decided to become a family if not and we differ on this what religion would you want my children that I have now and any more that we may be blessed with raised in? Both: no we would not dream of depriving someone of their deeply held beliefs. Same goes for your kids. We would want new children to have the opportunity to learn everything that their biological mom has to offer as well as anything the other parents have to offer and not just on religion. If we are anything it is enthusiastic members of the cult of tje constant reader...that is made up so don't go looking. End part is that we encourage and highly approve of religions, just don't personally have one at this point.
11. Where do you live? (I do not need your address just a rough idea such as your state or country would be fine) Both: our State and Country are one in the same. Texas
12. Would you like for everyone to share the same home or for each wife to have her own? Him: vastly prefer one roof but with each wife having as much personal space as possible. If we build from scratch then likely a fair amount more than just a bedroom each. Will be resource dependant. I can can see why some would like separate homes but I see that as a bad idea.
Her: one house is preferred. It promotes the idea of a single family unit. Not just for the adults but especially for the children. The sense of belonging and togetherness promotes a healthy happy family.
13. What living arrangements would be ideal for you and your family? Both: see previous answer
14. Please tell me about each child that is a member of your family. Both: we have son, too early for school but he will be homeschooled anyway so we are well in our way and looking forward to him having siblings as he will make a great big brother.
15. Please tell me how my children now and any to come would fit into your family? Both: that is tough with respect to existing children of a potential new wife as there is a bunch of context missing. How old are the children. If they are old enough to understand and get explanations, how receptive are they to the notion. Is their father in their live and how much of a negative factor could he be...same goes for extended family of the father. Lots of factors to try and solve equation so we don't see that an good enough answer could be given. With respect to efforts, they would extreme in one big happy family direction. In re newly born children they would be lucky to have such a big happy family to grow up in and so many loving parents and siblings.
16. Please tell me your ideas on how to handle things when a child does something wrong? Both: hate to give non answers but there is not enough context for a good answer. It sounds like the question is apt to boil down to whether or not spanking is approved of in our family. Yes, it is. It is not something we think is necessary often if you do your prep work in advance. If a child is given clear well defined structure and expectations of behavior and is overtly loved and given positive feedback where needed and negative where needed only with clearly defined expectations of how rules were broken and why the rules exist and that a rule being broken does not in any way mean that the child is loved any less for being punished if such a thing is necessary.
17. If or when another wife joins the family how would you like things like this to be handled? Both: feels like we are coping put but we think the previous answer covered it pretty well.
18. What would you like the children to call everyone and would that differ for the two children that I already have? Both: another tough one to answer without more context. The age of the kids and their attitudes would play a big role.
19. Do your children know that your looking for another wife and how do they feel about it? Both: He is too young by a little bit to have it explained but he will be raised with the basic concept as he was born to a polygamous marriage. He is a really friendly and loving kid so we imagine he will enjoy having more people in the family.
20. What would everyone call each other? Both: adults would just go by first name. Kids have been addressed earlier.
21. Do your family and friends know that you are looking for/have more then one wife and how do they feel about it? Both: yes and pretty decent. Very supportive. Zero issues. We both lucked out.
22. If they are against it how have you dealt with that and or plan to deal with it if I or someone else joins your family? Both: see previous answer. We are in good shape and new wives would be treated as family pretty much day one.
23. Do you have any friends/family that are in a poly relationship and if so how are they treated? Both: nope but they would be fe fine.
24. How would the children I have now and any to come be treated by you? Both: broadly speaking tje same way we treat our son but the answer can't be more than broad without knowing a lot of extra details. Tougher to predict with so few factors. Age and attitude towards tje change being the big ones
25. How do you think they would be treated by your parents/siblings and do you have a problem with this? Both: mostly already answered. They would be treated as family by our family pretty much day one.
26. What are the duties of the husband/wives/children in your home currently? Both: she watches the beast during day and has a telecommute job tjat helps immensely. I go to work and when I come home I take tje creature off her hands till she is done. We try to split up work around the place and we each have our areas we may focus more on but lots of crossover. His job is to be a happy boy and learn and be loved.
27. If I were to join your family how would this change if at all? Both: again not enough data to give an answer. Do you want to be a stay at home mom? Do you have a career you enjoy? Do you have just pots of money that would allow the husband to stop working outside the home and focus on building a self sufficient homestead, homeschooling, dading and husbanding? Probly not but we can confirm that it would not hurt our feelings either. This sort of thing just can't be answered other than to say that we would need to already know more about the woman and her circumstances and personal desires
29. Does your family have a stable reliable income and is it enough to cover the needs of myself, my children, and any children that may come? Both: that is not something that anyone can answer. We have decent stable incomes and realistically are likely better shape than most but we are not rich and even rich people may not be able to throw enough money at all problems to guarantee success
30. What would the sleeping arrangements be if I were to join your family? Both: we have 4 extra bedrooms and have considered some remodeling if the need ever comes up which could give at least a couple more. New wives would not all be crammed in a bunkroom or some such and it would not be an all in one bed scenario. We would want everyone on the same schedule however. Him: I don't have a bedroom. Wives have bedrooms. In the past it was a simple schedule that the ladies agreed upon as to who I was with and y'all would have to discuss what worked best in a time period. Sometimes life requires changes for a few days or a week or I get swapped around like a trading card and it does not bother me in the slightest. You marry them both/all and you should damn well love spending time with any and all.
31. How would we share the nights with our husband if I were to join your family? Her: in the past we have done a one night off and one night on swap and we considered a two night two night schedule but preferred one night on and off. Occasionally he would get a night to himself to just be a guy and she and I would share a bed as friends while he goofed of and read his books or smoked a cigar and stayed up late. Whatever the schedule is, it should have some flexibility for special occasions or children's needs.
32. Same question for the day time? Her: we never really scheduled day times other than special occasions or if he needed help with a project or only one of of us was interested in accompanying him on a trip or the like. Generally we spent a lot of time as a family and let other stuff form organically
33. What is your opinion on birth control? Both: what sort? What are the broad family circumstances in the moment? Is it time for a new crumb crunch her? Point is that there is not a casual answer.
34. What would happen if one wife or the husband did not want any more children but the others did not agree? Both: He is the ultimate authority in the family and if there is a really tough call to make he will be the one to do it. His preference is for everyone to work together and to find answers that work for everyone. That can not always be the case and there will be times, regardless of tje topic where people are disappointed or hurt by a decision not going their way. It would not be done out of spite or malace however bit instead out of love and a desire to make the best possible decision for the whole.
35 and 36 Him: not a topic for public discourse. That does not imply one answer over another, just not a topic I discuss in public forums
37. What if there was a disagreement between the wives or 1 wife with the husband how do you plan on handling this and how do you handle this sort of thing now?
Both: open and honest communication. Looking for solutions as a group. If there is a conflict between a husband and wife then ultimately he has the final say. He does not like to be wrong though and if it turns out he has the wrong end of the stick and his wife/wives can show him his error and where his skipped a beat, then he absolutely wants to learn and course correct. His ego might get dinged slightly but he is more interested in being right on the topic going forward than he is in feeling like a know it all with his wives or throwing his weight around just feel big. We both agree that is lame and it is not his style.
38. Will there be a head wife or will all wives be equal? Him: tough call. Dont think for us that we can answer tje question without us already knowing tje hypothetical woman. Relationship dynamics will differ with each group. The preference is to organically come to a place where the wives are equal but different
39. Will the husband be an equal to the wives in all things or will there be exceptions and if so when please give examples? Him: can't say that I am sure exactly what the author has in mind with this question. I am sure I could not answer it without knowing a fair amount more about what she had in mind. I can say that I see plural marriage as being like Ven diagrams...the different coloured circles which will overlap in places. Each marriage is a separate and discrete relationship but they all come under tje same big family roof. So there will be big differences from marriage to marriage. The goal is equal in all things but that is impossible because what one wife may want and need or wish to share with her husband may be of little to no interest to the other.
40. How will money be handled in the household and does that differ from how it is done now? Both: in broad terms our intention is to set up a family trust for assets and then shares will be vested in all parties. He is again the ultimate authority but it would not hurt our feelings of we married an accountant who simply was more talented in this arena. So long as everyone is honest and genuine in their desire for family first being the drum we all beat then there will be very little discord.
41. Please describe your home and is this the one I will be living in if I join your family? Him: pretty decent sized two story home with 5bd/4b and yes until we find tje rigjt place in the country
42. If this is the home I would live in please tell me about the room(s) that would be mine and the sleeping arrangements for my children that would
work best for your family? (my daughter will be 3 in May and my son 2 in May) Him: finally some insight as to our original author. The additional details makes the answer easier. Would say that I would want to know way more about how you have been doing things. Have you been cosleeping? Are the kids used to being in tje same room with their mom? Used to sleeping in the same room? Lots of potential answers depending on replies. Can set up a boys bedroom and a girls bedroom rigjt off the bat or a kids room or set up kids beds in moms room or... lots of options. As I mentioned earlier, I don't see the need for discussing intimate topics in public, so long as there are opportunities created for a couple to be a couple part of tje time and not only parents then I am easyish (it feels weird talking to this woman I am not involved with and whom I will likely never talk to as if I am having a conversation with that person but good exercise in pursuit of my goal.)
43. May I talk in private on the phone with the wife/wives before I speak with the husband on the phone? Him: sure, sounds like a good idea. I am who I claim on a lot of levels and am happy with anything that will help to establish trust Her: yeah. Dont see a problem with it.
44. How are the children of the family educated? Both: homeschool. There is a LOT more to say on tje topic but it was a general question so keeping it short
45. What is your opinion on your children having more then one wife for each husband when they are ready to be married? Her: *laughs* can't see why you would have a problem with it if you are intentionally living that way yourself. Him: how much time have got to listen to my opinions on the benefits of polygyny? How long will you hold still as I go into issues like evolutionary strategies, genetic record, R vs K life histories much less the more practical day to day advantage? Marry me and I am sure you may occasionally regret having unknowingly signed up for a post graduate course in the matter. Short answer is that I am a very strong advocate for plural marriage in broad terms.
~Questions For The Husband & The Wives~
1. Was it the husband or the wife who first brought the subject of another wife up and what was the others first reaction? ---- It was me, the husband from the proposition of actual plural marriage but we had a shared history of having first learned about plural marriage in one form or another broadly speaking from the same source books and had discussed the potential benefits and some overt problems with they types proposed in the initial source. Her: He did but after many years of discussing the topic in general, we decided together that it was a go-ahead.
2. How do you feel about it today? Him: Her: Warier. After some bad experiences and some that started off great but then went bad. It helps if you know your self and all parties must be genuine but like any search for a partner, it can go bad
3. Please describe your employment if any. This is more something to answer for someone directly interested in us and our family so going to leave it as both full time professionals in our respective areas.
4. At any other time have you ever been married to anyone else and if so why did that relationship end? Yes, we had a sisterwife who is a member here and it ended for reasons that would have applied in a monogamous relationship or a plural one. Not to our mind commentary on polygamy. Won't go deeper because she deserves her privacy.
5. Do you have children with anyone other then your current spouse if so please explain? Same as previous answer but yes we have an amazing young son and want more.
6. If you feel that this is the right thing for you and your family why? Him: Her: more brains working on a puzzle the faster and easier it goes. The more people you have in your family and life, the better your chances of success. Bigger is better in this case.
7. For each member of the couple/family how many wives would you like to have as part of your family? Him: Her: to me one more would be ideal bit two more could be good as well. Tje most import thing is who they are and their character
8. What are your religious beliefs and basic religious history? Both: Agnostic. We both find the topic fascinating bit have yet to find the muse or calling however you would personally couch it.
9. Are you a part of a Group and if so what one, if not are you looking to join one? Both: Group? Whatchu talkin bout Willis? Putting the cringy humor to the side briefly, no. No groups. Don't know of groups other than some that fall under the broad Mormon umbrella. If there are more of a different stripe then might be interest but we are not really joiners. More apt to start something than join.
10. If I am not part of your religious beliefs would you want me to convert if we decided to become a family if not and we differ on this what religion would you want my children that I have now and any more that we may be blessed with raised in? Both: no we would not dream of depriving someone of their deeply held beliefs. Same goes for your kids. We would want new children to have the opportunity to learn everything that their biological mom has to offer as well as anything the other parents have to offer and not just on religion. If we are anything it is enthusiastic members of the cult of tje constant reader...that is made up so don't go looking. End part is that we encourage and highly approve of religions, just don't personally have one at this point.
11. Where do you live? (I do not need your address just a rough idea such as your state or country would be fine) Both: our State and Country are one in the same. Texas
12. Would you like for everyone to share the same home or for each wife to have her own? Him: vastly prefer one roof but with each wife having as much personal space as possible. If we build from scratch then likely a fair amount more than just a bedroom each. Will be resource dependant. I can can see why some would like separate homes but I see that as a bad idea.
Her: one house is preferred. It promotes the idea of a single family unit. Not just for the adults but especially for the children. The sense of belonging and togetherness promotes a healthy happy family.
13. What living arrangements would be ideal for you and your family? Both: see previous answer
14. Please tell me about each child that is a member of your family. Both: we have son, too early for school but he will be homeschooled anyway so we are well in our way and looking forward to him having siblings as he will make a great big brother.
15. Please tell me how my children now and any to come would fit into your family? Both: that is tough with respect to existing children of a potential new wife as there is a bunch of context missing. How old are the children. If they are old enough to understand and get explanations, how receptive are they to the notion. Is their father in their live and how much of a negative factor could he be...same goes for extended family of the father. Lots of factors to try and solve equation so we don't see that an good enough answer could be given. With respect to efforts, they would extreme in one big happy family direction. In re newly born children they would be lucky to have such a big happy family to grow up in and so many loving parents and siblings.
16. Please tell me your ideas on how to handle things when a child does something wrong? Both: hate to give non answers but there is not enough context for a good answer. It sounds like the question is apt to boil down to whether or not spanking is approved of in our family. Yes, it is. It is not something we think is necessary often if you do your prep work in advance. If a child is given clear well defined structure and expectations of behavior and is overtly loved and given positive feedback where needed and negative where needed only with clearly defined expectations of how rules were broken and why the rules exist and that a rule being broken does not in any way mean that the child is loved any less for being punished if such a thing is necessary.
17. If or when another wife joins the family how would you like things like this to be handled? Both: feels like we are coping put but we think the previous answer covered it pretty well.
18. What would you like the children to call everyone and would that differ for the two children that I already have? Both: another tough one to answer without more context. The age of the kids and their attitudes would play a big role.
19. Do your children know that your looking for another wife and how do they feel about it? Both: He is too young by a little bit to have it explained but he will be raised with the basic concept as he was born to a polygamous marriage. He is a really friendly and loving kid so we imagine he will enjoy having more people in the family.
20. What would everyone call each other? Both: adults would just go by first name. Kids have been addressed earlier.
21. Do your family and friends know that you are looking for/have more then one wife and how do they feel about it? Both: yes and pretty decent. Very supportive. Zero issues. We both lucked out.
22. If they are against it how have you dealt with that and or plan to deal with it if I or someone else joins your family? Both: see previous answer. We are in good shape and new wives would be treated as family pretty much day one.
23. Do you have any friends/family that are in a poly relationship and if so how are they treated? Both: nope but they would be fe fine.
24. How would the children I have now and any to come be treated by you? Both: broadly speaking tje same way we treat our son but the answer can't be more than broad without knowing a lot of extra details. Tougher to predict with so few factors. Age and attitude towards tje change being the big ones
25. How do you think they would be treated by your parents/siblings and do you have a problem with this? Both: mostly already answered. They would be treated as family by our family pretty much day one.
26. What are the duties of the husband/wives/children in your home currently? Both: she watches the beast during day and has a telecommute job tjat helps immensely. I go to work and when I come home I take tje creature off her hands till she is done. We try to split up work around the place and we each have our areas we may focus more on but lots of crossover. His job is to be a happy boy and learn and be loved.
27. If I were to join your family how would this change if at all? Both: again not enough data to give an answer. Do you want to be a stay at home mom? Do you have a career you enjoy? Do you have just pots of money that would allow the husband to stop working outside the home and focus on building a self sufficient homestead, homeschooling, dading and husbanding? Probly not but we can confirm that it would not hurt our feelings either. This sort of thing just can't be answered other than to say that we would need to already know more about the woman and her circumstances and personal desires
29. Does your family have a stable reliable income and is it enough to cover the needs of myself, my children, and any children that may come? Both: that is not something that anyone can answer. We have decent stable incomes and realistically are likely better shape than most but we are not rich and even rich people may not be able to throw enough money at all problems to guarantee success
30. What would the sleeping arrangements be if I were to join your family? Both: we have 4 extra bedrooms and have considered some remodeling if the need ever comes up which could give at least a couple more. New wives would not all be crammed in a bunkroom or some such and it would not be an all in one bed scenario. We would want everyone on the same schedule however. Him: I don't have a bedroom. Wives have bedrooms. In the past it was a simple schedule that the ladies agreed upon as to who I was with and y'all would have to discuss what worked best in a time period. Sometimes life requires changes for a few days or a week or I get swapped around like a trading card and it does not bother me in the slightest. You marry them both/all and you should damn well love spending time with any and all.
31. How would we share the nights with our husband if I were to join your family? Her: in the past we have done a one night off and one night on swap and we considered a two night two night schedule but preferred one night on and off. Occasionally he would get a night to himself to just be a guy and she and I would share a bed as friends while he goofed of and read his books or smoked a cigar and stayed up late. Whatever the schedule is, it should have some flexibility for special occasions or children's needs.
32. Same question for the day time? Her: we never really scheduled day times other than special occasions or if he needed help with a project or only one of of us was interested in accompanying him on a trip or the like. Generally we spent a lot of time as a family and let other stuff form organically
33. What is your opinion on birth control? Both: what sort? What are the broad family circumstances in the moment? Is it time for a new crumb crunch her? Point is that there is not a casual answer.
34. What would happen if one wife or the husband did not want any more children but the others did not agree? Both: He is the ultimate authority in the family and if there is a really tough call to make he will be the one to do it. His preference is for everyone to work together and to find answers that work for everyone. That can not always be the case and there will be times, regardless of tje topic where people are disappointed or hurt by a decision not going their way. It would not be done out of spite or malace however bit instead out of love and a desire to make the best possible decision for the whole.
35 and 36 Him: not a topic for public discourse. That does not imply one answer over another, just not a topic I discuss in public forums
37. What if there was a disagreement between the wives or 1 wife with the husband how do you plan on handling this and how do you handle this sort of thing now?
Both: open and honest communication. Looking for solutions as a group. If there is a conflict between a husband and wife then ultimately he has the final say. He does not like to be wrong though and if it turns out he has the wrong end of the stick and his wife/wives can show him his error and where his skipped a beat, then he absolutely wants to learn and course correct. His ego might get dinged slightly but he is more interested in being right on the topic going forward than he is in feeling like a know it all with his wives or throwing his weight around just feel big. We both agree that is lame and it is not his style.
38. Will there be a head wife or will all wives be equal? Him: tough call. Dont think for us that we can answer tje question without us already knowing tje hypothetical woman. Relationship dynamics will differ with each group. The preference is to organically come to a place where the wives are equal but different
39. Will the husband be an equal to the wives in all things or will there be exceptions and if so when please give examples? Him: can't say that I am sure exactly what the author has in mind with this question. I am sure I could not answer it without knowing a fair amount more about what she had in mind. I can say that I see plural marriage as being like Ven diagrams...the different coloured circles which will overlap in places. Each marriage is a separate and discrete relationship but they all come under tje same big family roof. So there will be big differences from marriage to marriage. The goal is equal in all things but that is impossible because what one wife may want and need or wish to share with her husband may be of little to no interest to the other.
40. How will money be handled in the household and does that differ from how it is done now? Both: in broad terms our intention is to set up a family trust for assets and then shares will be vested in all parties. He is again the ultimate authority but it would not hurt our feelings of we married an accountant who simply was more talented in this arena. So long as everyone is honest and genuine in their desire for family first being the drum we all beat then there will be very little discord.
41. Please describe your home and is this the one I will be living in if I join your family? Him: pretty decent sized two story home with 5bd/4b and yes until we find tje rigjt place in the country
42. If this is the home I would live in please tell me about the room(s) that would be mine and the sleeping arrangements for my children that would
work best for your family? (my daughter will be 3 in May and my son 2 in May) Him: finally some insight as to our original author. The additional details makes the answer easier. Would say that I would want to know way more about how you have been doing things. Have you been cosleeping? Are the kids used to being in tje same room with their mom? Used to sleeping in the same room? Lots of potential answers depending on replies. Can set up a boys bedroom and a girls bedroom rigjt off the bat or a kids room or set up kids beds in moms room or... lots of options. As I mentioned earlier, I don't see the need for discussing intimate topics in public, so long as there are opportunities created for a couple to be a couple part of tje time and not only parents then I am easyish (it feels weird talking to this woman I am not involved with and whom I will likely never talk to as if I am having a conversation with that person but good exercise in pursuit of my goal.)
43. May I talk in private on the phone with the wife/wives before I speak with the husband on the phone? Him: sure, sounds like a good idea. I am who I claim on a lot of levels and am happy with anything that will help to establish trust Her: yeah. Dont see a problem with it.
44. How are the children of the family educated? Both: homeschool. There is a LOT more to say on tje topic but it was a general question so keeping it short
45. What is your opinion on your children having more then one wife for each husband when they are ready to be married? Her: *laughs* can't see why you would have a problem with it if you are intentionally living that way yourself. Him: how much time have got to listen to my opinions on the benefits of polygyny? How long will you hold still as I go into issues like evolutionary strategies, genetic record, R vs K life histories much less the more practical day to day advantage? Marry me and I am sure you may occasionally regret having unknowingly signed up for a post graduate course in the matter. Short answer is that I am a very strong advocate for plural marriage in broad terms.
46. How do you think courting should be handled for us? Both: tough to answer with only going by the notion of a hypothetical woman. we will paint with a broad brush. She is unlikely to be local so lots of electronic communication by necessity and at very minimum one visit to our home for a few days to see how how we all mesh. Likely him visiting her at least once for more traditional date or two and just gobs of upfront open honest conversation between all parties. Though to answer beyond that about a hypothetical person
48. Has anyone in the household ever been arrested if so please explain? Him: *LOL! Yes and it is me! I was a dopey teen with a lead foot who was bad about paying traffic fines and who got a couple of warrants out for me. Spent a night in jail at the town lockup over it. I was nervous but I am a real Hoss and even back then was significantly bigger than anyone I encountered in the evenings adventure happily as there were some ugly drunks in there with me. My nefarious past catching up to me at last.
49. What if any problems do you see about a 22 year old woman with 2 children joining your family? Both: more info about the list maker. That helps to narrow things down to more specific scenarios. The biggest issue would likely have more to do with the woman and her personality and character than us as a couple most likely. That is the significant age and experience gap. Some woman are fine with good intentioned mentoring and willing to accept more or different ways of doing things than they might have known previously than some. If everyone is patient and of good will towards each other then it would just be a steep learning curve for a little while on both ends and then the little rough would be vastly be overtaken by the smooth. Him: what those two said...they are pretty sharp. Real answer is that I am in real life a talker and teacher who is very eager to show people new ideas and places and meals...especially if we can cook them together, see them together and you are willing to learn my context while I learn yours and we create whole new context as a family and couple.
50. Are you currently getting to know any other women with the idea of them possibly joining your family? Him: good question and something that should be disclosed immediately by both sides. We were till recently and things really had a lot of potential in a lot of respects but our political differences were such that things would not have worked out. Might have worked long term but would have been rocky for a time.
51. Other then being/wanting to become a poly family are there any other viewpoints or opinions that you family holds that you feel I should know about and if so please tell me about them?
Him: yes. We are hyper conservative politically and intentional cultural luddites. We are not interested in participating in the current cultural narrative which is hastening culture collapse and putting more power in the hands of the elite class and crushing normal people. We want to live our lives and raise our children in a world more like what our grandparents grew up in. Big on community and family, buying local and rejecting everything about globalism and left wing authoritarian types with no moral foundations and ironically smug self satisfied world views. I feel confident that these are really pretty common attitudes in the polygamy community such as it is. @megcan likely confirm or deny that as well or better than most
52. What degree of openness would you want about the relationship as a whole to the outside world? Both: really depends on the circumstances but we never got a blink from the neighbors in our old house or new house before our ex decided to leave. Some things simply have practical concerns but it should be easy enough to navigate. The people who learned about it mainly said something like "huh...ok, well I couldn't do it but if it works for you" our obgyn doc even turned out to be in a plural marriage as well which was a surprise
53. How did you meet your wife/wives? Both: we met in high-school and have been together since. He met our ex on 4thefamily, a defunct polygamy site.
54. What site do I know you from and what is your username there. Him: ugh, feels like advertising rather than going through this list by way of being an exercise. Sisterwives and jingofamily
55. If we have IM*ed what is your display name (not email) there? Him: this is not important as it was answered and is more specific to someone that might have been interacting with her directly
56. Do you Celebrate Holidays like Christmas & Easter and if so how? Both: Yes! We think celebrating holidays is a healthy break for adults and brings joy to children. We do the pretty normal gathering with families for large meals sort of thing. We like to throw in some other stiff like burning a Guy on Guy Fawkes night and we like to wassail. We like to decorate for all of the various holidays and do a holiday appropriate meal...you should try our corned beef, collcannon and boxty at st pats or the amazing mince cookies and pie she makes at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Big fun all the way round.
Wow...clearly did not pay attention to what I was getting us into. I sure hope she found her people with this big list of questions. Ok, back into it and here...we...go
~Questions Just For Him~
1. What qualities does your wife/wives have that you think would make them well suited for a Poly relationship?
She is patient and kind and understood the advantages to plural marriage long before we dipped our toe in tje water. She is respectful of a sisterwife and her relationship with me and doesn't suffer from toxic jealousy issues. She gets it more than any other woman I have known
2. What do you think is your best and worst quality?
Ugh... I guess the good a woman might see in me is that I am a protector by nature. Worst is probably that I am rigid and unlikely to blend if I am correct. Tough to sometimes not focus on the fact that while I may well be the one who is in correct factually on an issue that it does not do much to address someone who is having negative emotions about the topic or issue.
3. Please describe your employment if any.
Seems more like a conversation for someone actually interested in me rather than for an exercise. Suffice it to say that my job is decent and safe.
4. What are you personally looking for in a poly relationship?
More. I am looking ideally for more kids, more hands and heads and ideas and approaches and opinions. More opportunities. More date nights. More getting to know a new wife. More new experiences. More filling someone in on old experiences. More positive emotions. More hands to hold. More of an audience to be unimpressed outwardly together by my silly shenanigans while privately admitting it is cute and endearing. More. I honestly could go on for really quite some time about kids and family and couples and other sorts of time together and just more more but I figure if you don't get it by now then more typing won't help
5. What do you think life will be like if I were to join your family?
It would be a wonderful mix of super exciting, work a day mundane, wark, comforting, hectic with sprinkles of occasional peace, probly not lots of privacy. Semi controlled but loving chaos would be my guess
6. Are you able to father Children?
Yes. I would say more but silly hyperbole on my part is not the point of this exercise.
7. . If I were to have more children with you would you want to be at the birth?
Yes. I did it last time. If a wife were dead set against it then I would likely allow it but I would like to be there. Just not in the catchers mit position if you catch my meaning.
8. What foods do you like the most and least?
Spicy rich foods. Heavy on the meat. Not so interested in sweet, give me savory any time.
Really do not like beans of any description and I am just slowly getting online with lots of cooked vegetables
9. What household chores do you enjoy the most both inside and outside?
These are far ranging...inside I suppose some would call cooking a chore but I enjoy it quite a lot.outside I suppose I like working with my hands. Taking down and breaking up a tree and then the stem or maybe repairing a fence or an auto repair. It is always much more fun with some support even if it is just to talk to and get moral support and encouragement
10. How would you feel if we were to become a family and are having our *special time* knowing that you have another wife(s) possibly in the same house?
This is skirting really close to the edge of what I will talk about in public unless it is to be funny or silly. So bear that in mind when you read the answer.
I would be happy and contented. All was right in the world. It would not be an ego thing...look how many sexual partners I have or aren't I amazing. Lame.
It would be that we are having happy time while growing closer and the rest of the family is contented and safe in their own activities while we snatch the time to bond.
11. Please tell me about you.
Just gonna skip this one. If women want to know that sort of stuff then they can say hi and get to know me. Just don't think it would help the exercise
13. Please tell me about anything you feel I should know about you your family or your beliefs that I have not covered in these questions.
Wow...big wide open field.
Probably another area where if someone were to be interested in us that they should learn from us rather than post. I have demonstrated the point of yammering tonnes to capture interests
14. Do you now or have you ever smoked, drank adult beverages for non religious reasons, or used drugs if yes please explain
I smoke an infrequent cigar, I grew up around a pot smoking dad who used it as his coping mechanism for extreme post combat ptsd. It is not my thing and generally speaking I am not over fond of it but I will admit that if it were legal in Texas I would consider getting a license to grow. Dont think I would do it in the end but would consider it. Adult beverages, oh my yes. I am not drinking for tje last few months but this is general terms. I was a sommelier (fancy French term for wine expert) once and am probly ask knowledgeable on adult beverages as some of or more scholarly types here are on scripture. Call it a hobby that I was once into quite fervently and in deep geeky detail but who's interests has wained significantly.
~Questions Just For The Wives~
(If more then 1 wife please have each wife answer these separately with her name next to her answer)
1. What qualities does your husband have that you think would make him well suited for a Poly relationship?
2. What do you think is your best and worst quality?
3. Please describe your employment if any.
I have a good but boring while challenging job in a big company where I work from home every day on a computer and on the phone. Lots of virtual meetings, that sort of thing.
4. What are you personally looking for in a poly relationship?
Trust and someone who is genuine. A friend and partner.
5. What do you think life will be like if I were to join your family?
I think he described it pretty well. It will have ups and downs but working together makes it more ups and downs. Plural marriage is not as different as everyone seems to think.
6. Are you able to conceive children?
Probably not
7. If I were to have more children would you want to be at the birth?
If I could. The hospital limited us to one person in the delivery room and it was more appropriate that he be there but given the chance I would want to be there to hold my sisters hand and support her
8. What foods do you like the most and least? My tastes and his are pretty similar but I will eat more vegetables than him
9. What household chores do you enjoy the most both inside and outside? Probably cooking as well inside. We both like to cook and try new recipes. I do more baking than he does. Outside I like to garden and raise plants. I teach our son about it and he helps and tells us he is going to be a farmer
10. What household chores do you enjoy the least both inside and out? Inside it is probably dishes. We both don't like dishes but him probably more. He worked in more restaurants and has pretty negative things to say about washing mountains of dishes when people did not show up for their shift. Outside I suppose any kind of manual labor without enough shade. I am pretty pale and the sun can hit hard
11. How would you feel if we were to become a family and our husband and I are having our *special time* possibly in the same house? Good for you two. My only concern is that if I respect your time and that part of your relationship with him that you have a similar attitude towards my relationship with him. It is not a competition and nobody should feel anything but happiness for the others in the marriage.
12. Please tell me about you.
I really don't get on here as much as he does and I really don't want to answer this sort of thing for whoever might read it.
13. Please tell me about anything you feel I should know about you your family or your beliefs that I have not covered in these questions. I think he covered it all pretty well. We have been together since we were teenagers and included me pretty well in his answers
14. Do you now or have you ever smoked, drank adult beverages for non religious reasons, or used drugs if yes please explain.
My siblings smoked pot but I am not into it. Neither of us ever smoke cigarettes. He is an expert on pretty much everything you could drink and I like wine and cocktails, especially a margarita. Living with him I suppose I have gotten pretty knowledgeable and it had been fun on trips to visit distilleries and wineries. We are on a break from any drinking though and trying to go to the gym.
Admins gonna want to punch me at next gathering
Interesting, but -- on top of having a gut-level reaction that, in such situations in which the employer were also required to commit to the employee, the employer would probably do a commensurate amount of advance-of-hiring investigation -- I'm immediately wondering if Scripture ever encourages us to seek lifetime employment appointments or asserts that abandoning an employment contract is the equivalent of turning our back on Yah (i.e., sinful). Is that in there like it is regarding entering into the relationships The Word refers to as uncovering each other's nakedness?
And I'm just sayin' that I find the notion of going to that level of thorough to be a recipe for creating a false sense of security. In the end, whether intentionally or not, people will turn out to have misrepresented themselves, or life will peel some more layers off the onion to expose 'problems,' and then it becomes a matter of manning or womanning up to the point of recognizing that one's integrity is based on whether one follows through, as well as on fully recognizing that one was the very person who took the risk to enter into either a position of leadership or a position of followership -- and therefore, it's far less legitimate to whine about one's life being a matter of not having asked enough probing questions than it is of demonstrating one's character by remaining in place and re-devoting oneself to seeking more positive outcomes that, by definition, include abiding by one's commitment.(Another observation, for whatever it's worth, most of the negative comments as I recall to this list or idea are from "prospective bosses"....not employees. Just sayin' ....)
It's not, 'til having second thoughts or being disappointed do us part.
I remain Steve's grasshopper, and the following is one example of why that's the case: in essence, some within this 'movement' are behaving essentially as catfishers, proclaiming ourselves to be ready for plural marriage and simultaneously encouraging many women to seriously consider joining our families, but in the end the trigger is rarely pulled, because we're predisposed to manufacture multiple layers of excuses to justify why this one or that one just wouldn't fit in.
And I have done it myself.
My hesitancy about these extended, detailed lists is two-fold:
- They reward us for believing that life should be trouble-free; and
- They are rarely accompanied by an equally-lengthy list of promises or invitation for the opposing party to compile an equivalent questionnaire.
To some extent, entering into a lifelong commitment is always going to be a leap of faith, no matter how many private investigators we hire or how many pointed questions we ask, and perhaps the largest component of that faith process (besides faith in Yah and Yeshua) is the faith we have to maintain in ourselves as individuals that we will stick it out no matter how tough the going gets -- most especially no matter how much one or more of our wives devotes herself to destroying the family as it exists.
I do not want to punch you -- not at all; in fact, I applaud your willingness to be that transparent (might be a good recruiting tool here at Biblical Families, too, wink wink) -- but I do also think it exemplifies the point someone else made about doing these questionnaires: it becomes a combination of robotic and TMI. It's just unnatural in the realm of human beings getting to know each other.
What is the point in answering 50 questions when, in the normal course of getting to know one another, it's most likely in any given combination of two people that a dealbreaker would have been discovered early into the list, eliminating the need to tell a relative stranger all that information.
Contemplating having to engage in all of that every time starts making hiring a live-in escort far more attractive.
I imagine the young woman who wrote them initially had in mind the notion of a questionnaire she could shoot off to some couple that seemed interesting and that they might hammer together some sort of equivalent and everyone could fill them out, dot T's and cross their eyes then compare.
Don't think it is necessarily tje best method. Now, tjat being said, I do think that having a list like that is a good place as a conversation starter. Personally I can talk to anyone about anything and would not more than a few bullet points for topics I want to discuss and learn about. Plenty of people are not nearly so comfortable with talking about these topics and might well benefit from the list. Maybe in tje setting of an itial conversation on video or a phone call. Insert shrug. I figured it was an exercise for the two of us on this end.
We just had a false start recently where everything was going so very well for several days and then fizzled in hours. I have had multiple times like that and so it seems a good idea to look at yourself a bit to see if you are the problem.
Yeah, maybe they were not any of them serious that seemed to like me and what I had to offer for a time...but we are serious so it seems worthwhile to put in a little extra effort here and there. Plus it was nice to get my wife involved. She generally doesn't get on here and is only really interested in talking to woman once they are willing to verify that they are genuine and willing to demonstrate that they are somewhat serious.
I am afraid to go back and look at tje final part tjat includes everything. I had not anticipated the character limit and had to do a hodge podge cut and paste which is not all that easy of an exercise on the phone.
Does anyone know what became of the woman who wrote the list of questions?
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As she decided we were not a match, I suspect that she looked and found elsewhere, or gave up. That was someone at 4thefamily.us many years ago.
I noted the dates after I was curious about it.
The women who are interested and then decide to walk away from the notion, you wonder if they ever think on that daft silly idea they had that one time and those crazy polygamist people they were talking to back when. Especially when it is the ones that were really gung ho until they got scared.
I think I get what you're suggesting, and I've had more than one experience in which a woman on a dating site who originally rejected the notion of plural marriage (or rejected my vision of enacting it) came back around to me out of the blue months or years later to inform me that she'd finally had enough a-ha moments to realize it would be her best option.
Probably most remain comfortable in what they've rejected, but I already have evidence that that is not always the case.
I think the African-American community is going to end up leading the way on the awakening of women realizing that polygyny is an attractive and viable alternative to dying alone and in poverty. That's why I'm a sponge for Kevin Samuels videos. In them, you can quite literally watch the lights going on for women as they realize they've been shooting themselves in the foot their whole lives -- or at least observe in those who are recalcitrant how obvious it has to be to the average observer the level of self-destructive denial they possess.
For me it has generally been the other way around. I have only had one girl who had never considered polygamy wish to shift her position after we got to talking and she bowed out fairly quickly when she met my wife and instead of being friendly and straight forward, decided to play silly alpha games. My wife being really quite a bright bulb barely noticed her efforts and remained charming and friendly which i am told was intimidating. Shrug...ok, would not have thought so but what do I know.
Anyway, that is not important...in re my experiences, it has always been a case where they were interested in plural marriage and we get on like a house on fire for x period of time and all is apparently coming up roses with whacking great bells on. Then when we reach the point, whatever point that may be for the individual woman, either they decide that I am such a terrible representative for plural marriage that they want nothing to do with me or it and then disappear entirely or I suppose it could just have sunk in that this is a real proposition of a real relationship where we would live in real life and not be in some sort of fantasy that just sounds fun in their mind. I have no idea if either is the case or if there are entirely different reasons for deciding to talk away. The answers if any are never satisfying or seem to not follow neatly from A-Z.
It is not like I have not had my success as well mind you so I don't mean to imply that it can not work just fine, just that there is enough of the everything seems to be on track, we are the best of pals and becoming really quite affectionate and making quite detailed personal plans for the future...not just me driving this by any means re excitement and plans for the future...and then it is done and she is gone.
So I tend to put it down to cold feet, a realization that no he is not just playing a fun what if game and likely some already had entanglements and that the persona they were showing you was in large part fiction.
Or it could be something else entirely. I do certainly wonder though and hope some of the ladies will chime in. Maybe make some sense of the motivations and thinking which appears to beyond me.
That'll make anyone who isn't brain dead laugh and cry at the same time.
Unfortunately, she represents the typical woman on the mainstream dating sites. Must love travel and dogs plus a virtual sea of contradictions!
Thanks, @steve!
People keep looking for this thread, so I've just pinned it to make it easier to find.
I ran across something that would be most appropriate when looking for monogamous marriage partner or a 1st wife, tailoring it somewhat differently in certain ways when vetting a 2nd or 3rd wife.
13 years ago, blogger Dalrock proposed a very reasonable set of questions to pose to prospective wives.
"You also want to smoke out a potential to use denial of sex for power purposes."
13 years ago, blogger Dalrock proposed a very reasonable set of questions to pose to prospective wives.
"You also want to smoke out a potential to use denial of sex for power purposes."
I've just shifted this to The Best of the Forums, as over the years more people have asked me where to find this than any other discussion.
"I’m starting from the assumption that you are a (mostly) beta guy who is open to the idea of marrying."
Lol!
Scooter...you came to the wrong window.
The questions are good generally but they seem more like conversations over the first hang out over coffee than the sort of thing that you start considering after falling in love and wishing to marry.
Now days I see dating as explicitly purposeful and intentional. Literally two way interviews for marriage.