Support New to all this and afraid to speak publicly

[Joleneakamama]

We've both hurt each other before, but never intentionally.

This is why a song lyric like "I'll never hurt you" or "I'll never break your heart" is dumb. Even without intending pain we can cause it. What men or women would do intuitively in their relationship with each other is often wrong as in NOT beneficial. Since we have to LEARN to be the support each other needs....you are right. It is often anything but easy.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

This is why a song lyric like "I'll never hurt you" or "I'll never break your heart" is dumb. Even without intending pain we can cause it. What men or women would do intuitively in their relationship with each other is often wrong as in NOT beneficial. Since we have to LEARN to be the support each other needs....you are right. It is often anything but easy.

Yeah, you're completely right. It's impossible to prevent hurting people in marriage. You could never anticipate some of the things that will trigger your spouse. A couple examples for us are surprise parties and gifts. Our expectations were so incredibly different, we hurt each other's feelings by doing good things for each other. But you learn more about your spouse from each experience.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

Yeah, you're completely right. It's impossible to prevent hurting people in marriage. You could never anticipate some of the things that will trigger your spouse. A couple examples for us are surprise parties and gifts. Our expectations were so incredibly different, we hurt each other's feelings by doing good things for each other. But you learn more about your spouse from each experience.

And now I know that my wife hates surprise parties

 

[WifeOfHisYouth]

But I’ve been so hurt by him in our marriage that I’ve really regretted getting married, and have wished I could have made a different choice.

That is a very painful thing to say.

I’m realizing that we both probably have too many unresolved issues with marriage and with our dysfunctional childhoods

Maybe, if nothing else, God is bring you to a place to really grow in your marriage and in your heart. Seems like there has been a lack of good communication in your marriage and the idea of F2 has opened an opportunity for you to really dig into the root causes of those hurts in your marriage, insecurities, jealousies and pain from your childhood to bring healing.

I pray that you take this time to open your heart to grow.

 

[millennial_mama]

That is a very painful thing to say.



Maybe, if nothing else, God is bring you to a place to really grow in your marriage and in your heart. Seems like there has been a lack of good communication in your marriage and the idea of F2 has opened an opportunity for you to really dig into the root causes of those hurts in your marriage, insecurities, jealousies and pain from your childhood to bring healing.

I pray that you take this time to open your heart to grow.

I like the idea of this being an opportunity to grow. We’ve talked through more conflicts in the last several months than we have in the entire almost 15 years of being together. I grew up in a home where it was unacceptable to share my thoughts and feelings, so it’s a really good thing to have a place to do that now.

 

[millennial_mama]

And now I know that my wife hates surprise parties

Ironically, I’m getting the same exact feelings with both the experience of people planning a surprise party for me and the idea of my husband being with this other girl. The feeling of being left out. It’s really triggering to me, and I have been trying to figure out why.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

Ironically, I’m getting the same exact feelings with both the experience of people planning a surprise party for me and the idea of my husband being with this other girl. The feeling of being left out. It’s really triggering to me, and I have been trying to figure out why.

My dream is for the three of us. I know there will be times while we have kids when only two people will be able to go out together because someone has to watch the kids. Beyond that, I want it to be the three of us together forever.

 

[HannahMiller]

Well, thr worst man can do is take his protection and resources from one woman to another. I can put woman and her children into survival situation.

But she will always know her children are hers. Something man can't be certain.

Hilarious! So fathering a child, developing a bond with them, influencing their environment and shaping them into who they are but having them not carry your DNA is worse then the complete destruction of the mother and her children

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

Ironically, I’m getting the same exact feelings with both the experience of people planning a surprise party for me and the idea of my husband being with this other girl. The feeling of being left out. It’s really triggering to me, and I have been trying to figure out why.

There's also irony in the fact this all started when I saw you with your friend and I wanted to be a part of it.

 

[HomesteadWife]

I’m just going to clarify since I’m the wife in this situation. I wouldn’t say I have a total commitment to polygamy, but we did at least agree on a major issue about intimacy. I have some extreme issues with jealousy and just can’t handle my husband loving another woman. Even him talking about a couple short interactions with each other makes me feel very angry. I am enraged that he has been thinking about this girl romantically for around three months now. To me, I view that as very inappropriate and sinful.

This is a feminist and umbilical view of how men and women are created. A man desiring to have more than one woman is not sinful. It is part of his created nature. Its no more sinful than you having the ability to love more than one child which is part of your created nature.

I try very hard to keep my mind pure and my interactions pure with other men, and I wish he had those same standards. It feels horrible that he doesn’t.

It is good that you have those standards for yourself. Women are created to be monogamous. I think where you are struggling on this is your definition of pure. For a woman desiring to have another man is wrong because you are created with a monogamous nature and meant to be a helpmeet to a singular husband. Once that choice of partner has been made you love and serve that man with all you have.

For men purity looks different. Looking at an available woman and admiring her is no different than looking at a car you would like to have and admiring it. Physically admiring and acknowledging any woman is beautiful is not sinful. Desiring to add an available woman to your family is not sinful. A man is created to be polygynous. A shepherd with multiple sheep or farmer with multiple fields is looked upon as blessed as he is fruitful and multiplies, so a husband with multiple wives. He is the master, shepherd, and farmer. You are the helpmeet, sheep and field. Different created roles and biological imperatives to fulfill.

We are not designed to be equal, outside of eternal soul worth, we are designed to compliment and fulfill our different created roles.

 

[MemeFan]

Hilarious! So fathering a child, developing a bond with them, influencing their environment and shaping them into who they are but having them not carry your DNA is worse then the complete destruction of the mother and her children

You are truly not getting it.

From sexuality perspective the worst man can get is his woman getting fertilized by chad and convincing him that child is his.

Extinction of genetic line while making another man's progenity succesfull.

Woman will always know children are hers.

So man's cheating and woman's cheating aren't comparable.

 

[Joleneakamama]

And now I know that my wife hates surprise parties

I just dislike ALL surprises. ...parties included. I have learned to be a better sport. I think its just worry about dissapointing others.

 

[PilgrimJustPassingThru]

This is a feminist and umbilical view of how men and women are created. A man desiring to have more than one woman is not sinful. It is part of his created nature. Its no more sinful than you having the ability to love more than one child which is part of your created nature.

It is good that you have those standards for yourself. Women are created to be monogamous. I think where you are struggling on this is your definition of pure. For a woman desiring to have another man is wrong because you are created with a monogamous nature and meant to be a helpmeet to a singular husband. Once that choice of partner has been made you love and serve that man with all you have.

For men purity looks different. Looking at an available woman and admiring her is no different than looking at a car you would like to have and admiring it. Physically admiring and acknowledging any woman is beautiful is not sinful. Desiring to add an available woman to your family is not sinful. A man is created to be polygynous. A shepherd with multiple sheep or farmer with multiple fields is looked upon as blessed as he is fruitful and multiplies, so a husband with multiple wives. He is the master, shepherd, and farmer. You are the helpmeet, sheep and field. Different created roles and biological imperatives to fulfill.

We are not designed to be equal, outside of eternal soul worth, we are designed to compliment and fulfill our different created roles.

I'm just going to say the quiet part out loud.. this is really well written and I'm not sure it can be improved upon.

Well done, Sister!

 

[millennial_mama]

This is just a lot for me to take right now. I’m postpartum with my 4th child, drowning in kids and homeschooling and housework. And getting woken up all night and not sleeping. I’m so overwhelmed.

 

[Off-Grid Artist]

My wife and I also come from very dysfunctional childhoods. It's an ongoing process, but I think it's safe to say we've both really graduated from the healing and recovery from it. We actually work very specific, structured recovery processes which are not easy. These processes we work out on paper, with actual homework, working with older people who have also done the work and recovered and moved on. Men work with men and women work with women. We don't need to be captive to these things forever! However, if we don't do the actual work then the chance exists that we will just wallow in it forever, because self pity feels reeeal, real good. In the meantime, during that recovery work, our lives still exist. We have families to raise and take care of. However, if we are doing the work then life just gets better and better all the time.

 

[millennial_mama]

This is a feminist and umbilical view of how men and women are created. A man desiring to have more than one woman is not sinful. It is part of his created nature. Its no more sinful than you having the ability to love more than one child which is part of your created nature.

It is good that you have those standards for yourself. Women are created to be monogamous. I think where you are struggling on this is your definition of pure. For a woman desiring to have another man is wrong because you are created with a monogamous nature and meant to be a helpmeet to a singular husband. Once that choice of partner has been made you love and serve that man with all you have.

For men purity looks different. Looking at an available woman and admiring her is no different than looking at a car you would like to have and admiring it. Physically admiring and acknowledging any woman is beautiful is not sinful. Desiring to add an available woman to your family is not sinful. A man is created to be polygynous. A shepherd with multiple sheep or farmer with multiple fields is looked upon as blessed as he is fruitful and multiplies, so a husband with multiple wives. He is the master, shepherd, and farmer. You are the helpmeet, sheep and field. Different created roles and biological imperatives to fulfill.

We are not designed to be equal, outside of eternal soul worth, we are designed to compliment and fulfill our different created roles.

It seems women get the short end of the deal. It seems like such an amazing thing to be a man, and women endure such suffering even simply bearing children and raising them. I’ve been pregnant and/or nursing continuously for over 11 years. I’m so burned out. I can’t handle another life stressor like this right now. I wish I could check myself into a psychiatric hospital or something, but I can’t because my kids need me 24/7.

 

[millennial_mama]

My wife and I also come from very dysfunctional childhoods. It's an ongoing process, but I think it's safe to say we've both really graduated from the healing and recovery from it. We actually work very specific, structured recovery processes which are not easy. These processes we work out on paper, with actual homework, working with older people who have also done the work and recovered and moved on. Men work with men and women work with women. We don't need to be captive to these things forever! However, if we don't do the actual work then the chance exists that we will just wallow in it forever, because self pity feels reeeal, real good. In the meantime, during that recovery work, our lives still exist. We have families to raise and take care of. However, if we are doing the work then life just gets better and better all the time.

What specific recovery processes did you do?

 

[PilgrimJustPassingThru]

It seems women get the short end of the deal. It seems like such an amazing thing to be a man, and women endure such suffering even simply bearing children and raising them. I’ve been pregnant and/or nursing continuously for over 11 years. I’m so burned out. I can’t handle another life stressor like this right now. I wish I could check myself into a psychiatric hospital or something, but I can’t because my kids need me 24/7.

With respect, Sister, a few thoughts:

1. Eve was deceived first. As a result, this plunged all of creation into a fallen state of sin. You and me and everyone we know are going to die (pets included) because of what began with the sin of one woman.

2. The desire to rule over a man and/or one's husband is part of the curse of Eve, and so it may help to know that while what you're feeling is totally valid, even those feelings are an outcome of the curse.

3. I'll spare you the statistics, but being a man is hard. We're expected to protect and provide, to selflessly prioritize the welfare of women and children in everything from emergency to every day situations, we've got the highest suicide rates, do the toughest jobs and have the least help when times get tough. Everything from women's shelters to divorce courts are stacked against men. It's a little gross to research, but if you take a look at the statistics around transgender men (women who were born female and decided they wanted to try to identify as male), the detransition rates are startlingly high. Even tiny microexpressions in social settings are scrutinized differently based on whether you're male or female (e.g. very few men mind if a female looks at them in public, but the contrary, especially if you aren't an alpha male who is very attractive, is seldom true).

I hope you don't read this as a veiled attempt at delegitimizing or litigating your feelings. What you're feeling is totally real and valid. I just wanted to offer some food for thought.

 

[HannahMiller]

This is a feminist and umbilical view of how men and women are created. A man desiring to have more than one woman is not sinful. It is part of his created nature. Its no more sinful than you having the ability to love more than one child which is part of your created nature.

It is good that you have those standards for yourself. Women are created to be monogamous. I think where you are struggling on this is your definition of pure. For a woman desiring to have another man is wrong because you are created with a monogamous nature and meant to be a helpmeet to a singular husband. Once that choice of partner has been made you love and serve that man with all you have.

For men purity looks different. Looking at an available woman and admiring her is no different than looking at a car you would like to have and admiring it. Physically admiring and acknowledging any woman is beautiful is not sinful. Desiring to add an available woman to your family is not sinful. A man is created to be polygynous. A shepherd with multiple sheep or farmer with multiple fields is looked upon as blessed as he is fruitful and multiplies, so a husband with multiple wives. He is the master, shepherd, and farmer. You are the helpmeet, sheep and field. Different created roles and biological imperatives to fulfill.

We are not designed to be equal, outside of eternal soul worth, we are designed to compliment and fulfill our different created roles.

I guess the problem just crops up when woman won't submit, are selfish, refuse to dehumanise themselves and don't see themselves as sheep or fields. Maybe we could create reprogramming camps to help with this.

 

[Off-Grid Artist]

What specific recovery processes did you do?

More than one, but if you have access to a local gathering of ACA / Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, that program is amazing. They have online meetings too. PM for more.